Who is BU and to blame here?

[InTheBox]

On Friday afternoon my SiL, her Dh (my brother), their toddler Ds, my sister and I went to my mother's house.

SiL can be a bit Pfb but I don't think that's relevant in the following instance. Over the course of the afternoon Sil was quite literally hovering over her son whenever he took a step anywhere. Dm told her to relax a little. Admittedly Dm's house isn't very toddler-proof but there wasn't an immediate concern about his safety at the time as he was just playing with some brick-type toys.

I decided to start preparing dinner so then my sister and brother went out to get somemore supplies. Although I can't be sure of their exact exchange, Dm told Sil to come and keep me company in the kitchen.

Sil comes along and we're enjoying a glass of wine in the kitchen and a while later we hear my nephew screaming and crying. We rush to the living room to see him covered in shelves and drawers. At some point he pulled a bookcase which isn't joined up on himself.

He wasn't visibly hurt but I'm sure it must've been a fright and quite painful.

At this point my siblings return and Sil demands that they leave immediately which my brother does complicity.

I know that my Dm and Sil have always had a bit of a difficult relationship but I'm sure she'll use this as an excuse to veto any future visits. Dm thinks that accidents happen and thinks Sil unreasonable for insisting to leave immediatly. My brother has only expressed concern for Ds so is sort of staying out of the family politics of it all and my sister thinks that Sil is going to be vindictive over this (a vindictive bitch - to use her exact words) and should get a grip.

I have a good relationship with all of them but I can see all points of view. Sil refuses to talk about it bar saying that she won't put her child at risk again in the future.

I think your SIL was being the reasonable one really.

She was worried, justifiably as it turns out, that her child was not safe in your mother's home.

Your mother had already told her to relax while she was supervising him, and then sent her away to the kitchen.

If SIL was so cautious beforehand, I can't see that she would leave him without an assurance from your mother that she would be watching him.

And then he pulled a bookcase over on top of himself and was hurt.

I would have been furious and shocked and upset if that was my DS. I know someone, now an adult, who was injured in a similar way as a child. He was left with brain damage, walks with a limp and has lost the use of one arm because of the bump to his head when the shelves fell on him.

To have my child put in that situation, where he could have been left brain damaged or killed, and then be dismissed as a vindictive bitch, would probably kill of my relationship with your mother and your sister.

It sounds like they already dislike your SIL, and already consider her to be a vindictive bitch, and are using her upset about this to prove to themselves that they are right.

You don't know if your SIL has decided to stop your mother seeing her grandchild.

She will still be feeling shocked and upset, and relieved as well that he wasn't more seriously injured. And relief can be just as extreme a feeling as shock and upset, and people express it in odd ways.

What should happen right now is that your mother accepts your SIL was right, her home is dangerous, she was dismissive of SIL's fears and feelings, and as a result her grandchild came to harm and it was her fault.

She needs to be apologising to your brother and SIL, not bitching with your sister about what a vindictive bitch her DIL is for objecting to her child being injured.

Your mother and sister are being unreasonable. Your mother is the one to blame.

Well I reckon most people (if not all) are "Team SIL" - can I ask inthebox the age of your mother?

""left to her own devices Sil would never actively contact Dm"

And. I don't contact my MIL (and she doesn't me). She is DH's mum not mine and it's his place to make arrangements with her. I wouldn't expect him to make arrangements with my family either.

That's interesting what a PP said about your mum being controlling. She does sound like one of those MILs frequently posted about on here.

If I was SIL, I'd be livid at my DH phoning his mum to check how she was after letting our child have a potentially fatal accident. I wonder if she knows.

NanaNina 58

Accidents will happen

Um no. Actually 98% of "accidents" are preventable - there is a cause, a risk that can be mitigated and removed.

Your poor SIL.

I do think the most important way for your mother to show that she is sorry is by getting busy child-proofing her house.

It's not as if it is a new idea. I am older than your mother and only had one child, but as soon as I knew I was going to be grandmother started thinking about the potential dangers in the house.

Can you all consider what relationship your dm would have with her dgc if he had been fatally injured? None !
An alarming number of children die from climbing on furniture and pulling it on top of them. Your dn was lucky he wasn't seriously injured and your dm is lucky she has nothing more to feel badly about than done hurt feelings,
Someone needs to tell your dm a few home truths and your db should not have rung to smooth it all over as that's undermining your dsil perfectly valid reactions. If I was your dsil I would not be allowing my dh to take my child to his dms house at all, but if mil was apologetic I would facilitate their relationship in my home.
The question is does your dm think more of her hurt pride or her dgs safety in her home,

Your brother phoned mum to ask if she was okay. Did mum phone to see if her grandchild was okay?

Team SIL - how would you have felt if this was your child ?

As much as I agree that this falling out and near-miss incident occurred as a result of OP's mother's carelessness, and that her dismissive attitude afterward wasn't conducive to good ongoing relations with her dil, I am still left wondering who all you perfect people are that have never taken your eye off the ball for a second and had something go wrong.

"Accidents will happen

Um no. Actually 98% of "accidents" are preventable - there is a cause, a risk that can be mitigated and removed.

Your poor SIL."

Um yeah...good for you Poosey, being able to predict and prevent every accident that almost occurred in your life thus far. That's amazing...I'll have some of your superpower please.

Ds1 nearly choked on a 2p coin he found lying on the floor when he was a baby. I hadn't noticed it, reckless mother that I am. If only you had been there to exercise your eagle-eyed power of preventative perfection, it need never have happened.

Point being...we all make mistakes and accidents can occur. I understand why OP's sil is distressed and angry...I understand that it's going to take time to build the relationship between dil and mil back up to acceptable levels again. I know the mil was at fault.

But the hand-wringing piousness on here is getting on my tits now. Like none of you ever fucked up somewhere along the line...like none of you ever made a gaff that could have ended badly, but thankfully didn't.

I am sorry but these things do happen, like it or not. Surely the onus is on how to move forward rather than spend two days lining up to demonise the mil.

Next time you guff up or have a near miss, remember this thread.

I don't think anyone here has suggested they are perfect themselves.

But MIL's attitude to the DIL before the accident (both in the OP's difficult "relationship comment" and the MIL's "relax" comments, followed by a dismissive "accidents happen" and thinking SIL unreasonable for wanting to take her child home, plus the sister's "vindictive bitch" comments build a far wider picture of this particular eye off the ball moment.

If there was any hint that the MIL was upset and sorry about the accident maybe people would feel differently, but from what the OP says it's being used as an excuse to berate SIL instead.

I think that's why people are focusing on the MIL, because nothing the OP has said about her attitude after the accident seems to be about anything other than dismissing a serious accident and name-calling SIL. There's no concern or regret showing from MIL in what the OP has said, it's mostly about how awful they all think the SIL/DIL is.

Well, who was meant to be looking after him? Where was BIL? had SIL asked Dm to look after him? Was Dm in the same room as the toddler? If she had been, she should have been able to stop the accident happening.

BTW, BYOsnowman, I think it sounds like you over-reacted - your toddler pulled over a tablecloth with unlit candles on it so you never go to your MILs now? Bizarre.

pictish I'm coming at this from my health and safety background. In your case, the cause of the choking was a 2p on the floor. Should the 2p have been on the floor? Not with a baby around. Remove the 2p, remove the risk of choking. In OP's case, the risk was a exploring toddler and a MIL who thought she knew better and so wasn't supervising him. Better supervision = no accident. IME something that is preventable is NOT an accident - like a drink driving "accident" - no, don't drink and drive, it's not an accident. Someone drowning while standing in front of stormy waves for a selfie? Not an accident. Accident investigation will find a cause, or causes. Remove the cause, mitigate the risk - reduce the amount of incidents not accidents

That last post of mine was my long-winded way of saying if the MIL hadn't been so dismissive of her DIL's concerns, both before and after the accident, people here might have a bit more sympathy with her.

Cocktail the OP says that her brother (the child's father) had gone to the shop. MIL had then told her DIL to join the OP in the kitchen, and since according to the OP the DIL had been "hovering" over her child up to that point, I don't think the DIL would have left him without the MIL promising to supervise him.

I suspect she only did leave him because she didn't want the trouble of refusing, given that the OP says her mother and her SIL have a difficult relationship anyway.

^^ This

And SIL will have spent some time kicking herself that she chose politeness over what she knew to be a risky situation for her little one . I've got that t-shirt.

Yes, I'm extrapolating. I do feel for SIL though.

I'm 100% with your SIL. It never ceases to surprise me how otherwise intelligent and caring grandparents suddenly appear to have had a common sense bypass when it comes to the safety of their young GCs. I've seen my own family do all sorts of stupid shit, like put DD to sleep in a makeshift nest of fluffy pillows on the sofa when she was 5 months (my DM), letting her eat play with newspaper unsupervised (my DF) and letting an 8-year old "look after" her without another adult in the room, and trying to lift her out of the playpen, at which point I luckily came back from my shower (DSis). It can be difficult enough to say to your own DM that 'actually, I know better than you when it comes to my child's safety', and I can only imagine how hard it must have been for the SIL in this scenario to not explode with anger and frustration at having been told implicitly that she was being overprotective and uptight, just to be proven right in such a horrible way and then, yet again, have her feelings invalidated with the old "accidents happen" trope.

I'm sorry, OP, but your DM sounds like a difficult person to have as a MIL.

Has your mum made any attempt at contacting them yet?