Who is BU and to blame here?

[InTheBox]

On Friday afternoon my SiL, her Dh (my brother), their toddler Ds, my sister and I went to my mother's house.

SiL can be a bit Pfb but I don't think that's relevant in the following instance. Over the course of the afternoon Sil was quite literally hovering over her son whenever he took a step anywhere. Dm told her to relax a little. Admittedly Dm's house isn't very toddler-proof but there wasn't an immediate concern about his safety at the time as he was just playing with some brick-type toys.

I decided to start preparing dinner so then my sister and brother went out to get somemore supplies. Although I can't be sure of their exact exchange, Dm told Sil to come and keep me company in the kitchen.

Sil comes along and we're enjoying a glass of wine in the kitchen and a while later we hear my nephew screaming and crying. We rush to the living room to see him covered in shelves and drawers. At some point he pulled a bookcase which isn't joined up on himself.

He wasn't visibly hurt but I'm sure it must've been a fright and quite painful.

At this point my siblings return and Sil demands that they leave immediately which my brother does complicity.

I know that my Dm and Sil have always had a bit of a difficult relationship but I'm sure she'll use this as an excuse to veto any future visits. Dm thinks that accidents happen and thinks Sil unreasonable for insisting to leave immediatly. My brother has only expressed concern for Ds so is sort of staying out of the family politics of it all and my sister thinks that Sil is going to be vindictive over this (a vindictive bitch - to use her exact words) and should get a grip.

I have a good relationship with all of them but I can see all points of view. Sil refuses to talk about it bar saying that she won't put her child at risk again in the future.

Looks like your DM was trying to gain control here.

SIL was clearly wary but probably wanted to keep the peace, so against her better judgement, went along with it. She won't do that again.

Bet she's thinking 'Hell will freeze over before I leave my DS with that negligent control freak'.

Stay out of it and don't pick sides I'd say.

My sympathy is with SIL here. DH and I have left DD with grandparents before but I expect them to watch her like a hawk because she is at the age where she can find something lethal in seconds. I don't really understand what DN pulled over but if it was half finished furniture then I would be furious too.

I think your SIL was probably trying to seem chilled out, then it backfired, and so she got out of the house before she said anything she regretted. Your DM and sister need to cut her some slack.

I can totally see why SIL was upset. He could have been killed. I also understand why she wanted to leave, she probably did so to avoid appearing angry and upset in front of you all.

Unfortunately, your DM couldn't have been properly supervising him for this to happen.

What was your DM doing when you ran into the room if he was lying under the shelf and books screaming and crying?

He could have been killed.

I'd give her a call now to ask of she's ok.

So... your mother thinks SIL was unreasonable, and your sister thinks her a "vindictive bitch".

Wow! Between brushing it under the carpet and attacking her, (oh, and not expressing much concern for the poor boy, or you would have mentioned how caring they were), your family members have completely undermined and disrespected this poor woman (and let's not forget the harm to a child that they've brushed off).

Good job she has your brother!

Your DM needs to be showing completely and honestly how damn sorry she is for not watching DN closely enough to stop this.

Your SIL needs to wind her neck in before her attitude (referring to DN mother as a vindictive bitch) means they are never around DN again.

The mother has every right not to take her child to a place where they are at risk again.

Taking the offended/wounded part by your DM & SIL will ensure this doesn't happen soon!

Your poor SiL. It doesn't sound like your family like her very much.

Thomas I've already done so, that's how I worked out that she will never take Ds to my mother's house again.

In thebox do you or your other siblings have children? Is this the first grandchild?

Do you blame her?

RunRabbit that's the second dismissive post you've made about my thread, if you feel that way then look elsewhere on MN. No need to stay on this thread

If your SIL posted her version of this on mn I believe the reaction would be overwhelming in favour of SIL, and quite possibly a few 'go nc' with DM.

I also would hazard a guess that SIL has quite a back story to this and a few more incidents have occurred.

AnnaMarlowe I have a Dd and my sister is still at home.

Snowman I can't say that I do blame Sil for her reaction. However, I don't think I'd have done the same but I know they've always had a pained relationship. Even with a hawk eye a toddler can take off at speed before you have the chance to do anything.

And that's why you child proof!! Shelves/drawers that are freestanding are incredibly dangerous and the moment you see a toddler pulling up on them you have to be there or shout to stop them.

I actually get on well with my mil but I will not put my children at risk because it might hurt her feelings. My feelings are hurt that she is so dismissive of my concerns that she won't put her candles away for a couple of hours!!

Your mum needs to accept she made an error of judgement here

Just to answer your question.
Your mum is 100% to blame.
Your mum and your sister are being unreasonable.
I can't tell whether you are BU or not, you haven't really given your opinion or explained what your actions were.

I'm glad your nephew is not in hospital or worse. I do think it is nice that you rang to enquire how he is.

That was really dangerous and must have been a massive shock for your SIL. I don't think she was at all unreasonable to go straight home.

Did your dm apologise?

I have to say that I think your sil refusing to ever take her ds to your mum's house again is harsh.
A cooling off period would be appropriate I think. Your mum needs to apologise profusely and you all ought to adjust your attitudes to your sil. Might be she's a bit pfb, but frankly your mum's negligence just made real her fears.

I know it was an accident and I certainly wouldn't hold it against someone in the long term, but if the attitude towards sil is that she is seeking to be vindictive by being upset by this, you're not going to get anywhere with her.

Think your mum was totally in the wrong, I would have done as sil did, and I think your sister is a cow for calling sil names.

Something like that falling on the toddler could kill.

I don't think run rabbits post was dismissive, I think it is a sensible point, if slightly blunt.

It sounds like the question my therapist ( the one helping me come to terms with a fucked family dynamics) would ask.

What do you want to happen, and how would finding out what someone neutral thought help you through this?

-and would be asking this so we can ensure our answers are helpful to you.

Fwiw I think your mum is to blame here. Toddlers pulling bookshelves down onto themselves is a fairly well known cause of mum must have known the shelves weren't fixed to the wall and utterly failed to supervise. If it were my mum, let alone my mil I doubt I would be going back for a while, till that toddler phase had passed.

Dm thinks that accidents happen and thinks Sil unreasonable for insisting to leave immediately

Your dm was at fault. Yes, accidents happen, but it is still the 'fault' of the person who should have been supervising. If I had been the one in charge I would have felt mortified and been falling over myself to apologise and check he was ok.

It sounds like your dm shrugged and was quite casual about it. It could, literally, have killed him.

If I was your SIL then i'd not be leaving my dc alone with your dm ever again tbh - not necessarily because of the accident, but about her attitude over it, which would be more concerning to me.

Can't you understand that the reason your sil was hovering was because the house wasn't toddler proof? She was obviously right to hover and yours and your mums dismissive attitude to her is what has caused this accident.

If she had been left to parent as she wanted this wouldn't have happened.

*fairly well known cause of fatalities

See I have a toddler and agree that accidents can happen. So if he had bumped his head falling over or something fair enough but being able to pull a bookcase over suggests he wasn't being watched properly and I would be pretty angry.
You sis seems to have an unreasonable attitude to sil - who rattled her cage??

Yep, totally in the side of the SIL and if anyone called me a vindictive bitch for not wanting to put my kid at risk again and didn't see that they were in the wrong, if not want anything to do with them either.