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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Who is BU and to blame here?

142 replies

InTheBox · 22/11/2015 18:49

On Friday afternoon my SiL, her Dh (my brother), their toddler Ds, my sister and I went to my mother's house.

SiL can be a bit Pfb but I don't think that's relevant in the following instance. Over the course of the afternoon Sil was quite literally hovering over her son whenever he took a step anywhere. Dm told her to relax a little. Admittedly Dm's house isn't very toddler-proof but there wasn't an immediate concern about his safety at the time as he was just playing with some brick-type toys.

I decided to start preparing dinner so then my sister and brother went out to get somemore supplies. Although I can't be sure of their exact exchange, Dm told Sil to come and keep me company in the kitchen.

Sil comes along and we're enjoying a glass of wine in the kitchen and a while later we hear my nephew screaming and crying. We rush to the living room to see him covered in shelves and drawers. At some point he pulled a bookcase which isn't joined up on himself.

He wasn't visibly hurt but I'm sure it must've been a fright and quite painful.

At this point my siblings return and Sil demands that they leave immediately which my brother does complicity.

I know that my Dm and Sil have always had a bit of a difficult relationship but I'm sure she'll use this as an excuse to veto any future visits. Dm thinks that accidents happen and thinks Sil unreasonable for insisting to leave immediatly. My brother has only expressed concern for Ds so is sort of staying out of the family politics of it all and my sister thinks that Sil is going to be vindictive over this (a vindictive bitch - to use her exact words) and should get a grip.

I have a good relationship with all of them but I can see all points of view. Sil refuses to talk about it bar saying that she won't put her child at risk again in the future.

OP posts:
RoobyTuesday · 22/11/2015 20:24

Sorry but I totally agree that your SIL did the right thing - the fact that she'd been undermined by being told to stop fussing and relax and then when she does a bloody bookcase falls on him (which really could have killed him!) makes me think she left immediately to avoid saying anything shed later regret. I'd have been furious! Can you really not all see why she'd be so upset? I think your Mum has some serious apologising to do.

honeyroar · 22/11/2015 20:26

I'm with SIL on this one. She obviously doesn't feel relaxed there, no wonder really, it doesn't sound like any of you like her. MIL made her feel silly for being over protective, pushed her into the kitchen with you, managed to let her toddler have an accident, and then brushes it off as just one of those things. Then your sister starts grumbling that she'll use it as an excuse not to visit? Christ, I know relations can be difficult and everyone has to adapt, but if I was your sil I wouldn't be rushing back either.

diddl · 22/11/2015 20:34

So your mum told your SIL to stop hovering, talked her into leaving the room & lo & behold herGS was injured!

Sounds as if she was trying to prove that she knew more about how much looking after he needed that his mum did.

And he could have died!

As for your sister-words fail me!

Not surprising things have been difficult if your mum has done this sort of thing before-you know, made out that she knows better.

She's handed yourSIL the perfect excuse to stay away & I hope that she grabs it tbh as it doesn't sound as if your mum & sister think much of her anyway.

Crazypetlady · 22/11/2015 20:36

Your mum is so unreasonable no way I would even leave her in charge of my dog.

Accidents happen but a toddler pulling a bookcase on himself whilst under her care makes her seem negligent. She is too relaxed about his safety.
SIL is right.

ThatsNiceDear · 22/11/2015 20:38

It was unnecessary for your mum to tell SIL to 'relax' a bit, nobody likes criticism of their parenting. Apart from that I don't think anyone was unreasonable. These things happen and SIL was best to go home as she was understandably upset.

Who do you think was U OP and why?

TinklyLittleLaugh · 22/11/2015 20:43

So what is your Mum doing to childproof now? Securing all the furniture properly to the walls, putting up stair gates and fire guards, removing knickknacks, protecting sharp corners?

I bet she's not doing any of it is she? If I were your SiL you wouldn't see me for dust.

InTheBox · 22/11/2015 20:43

lunar I absolutely do understand. Tbh I've known Sil for many many years - even before she got with my brother and I do understand her reaction. I just feel bad for my Dm who now won't see him for god knows however long.

OP posts:
ChazsBrilliantAttitude · 22/11/2015 20:45

One of my DC did similar with a chest of drawers (luckily no harm caused) so I understand accidents do happen. However, I also accept as the supervising adult at the time, it was a failure of supervision on my part and so my fault.
I feel sorry for your SIL.

InTheBox · 22/11/2015 20:48

LikeASoul Dm did apologise but was against them going straight home at the time.

pictish I absolutely agree!

OP posts:
BYOSnowman · 22/11/2015 20:50

Your mum can help the situation by apologising and asking your dh to come round to do necessary child proofing (dh because sil will feel comfortable it's been done as she expects and not sil because that could be tense!).

I should imagine she doesn't expect the room to be padded and corner guards on everything - it does sound like your dms house is dangerous for a toddler. Which is fine if just adults and older children but if she wants her grandson to visit she needs to take his needs into account

BYOSnowman · 22/11/2015 20:52

Db not dh!!

whattheseithakasmean · 22/11/2015 20:52

Was you DM immediately apologetic & concerned, or was she defensive, eg saying 'accidents can happen'.

If the latter, I don't blame your SIL for being cheesed off. Your DM needs to make it clear she was at fault & is truly properly sorry, if she wants to rescue this relationship.

InTheBox · 22/11/2015 20:53

snowman do you mean my brother?

OP posts:
lunar1 · 22/11/2015 20:56

Maybe sil will be happier if your mum visits at her house. After a few days your mum should go round with a peace offering.

AliceInUnderpants · 22/11/2015 20:57

What is your mum saying about the accident? Was she there? Did she see it?

InTheBox · 22/11/2015 20:58

whattheseithakasmean she was sort of both. The former when we were throwing things off Dn and the latter when Sil announced she wanted to leave. The relationship is truly in shit I admit.

OP posts:
diddl · 22/11/2015 21:00

"I just feel bad for my Dm who now won't see him for god knows however long."

Do you know that for sure?

He has a father who can also take him!

pluck · 22/11/2015 21:01

If your DM accepts her responsibility and apologises nit just for the accident but also for the setup and for her (possibly rather dismissive) reaction, then there will be no need for you to feel sorry for her, as she won't be cut out.

Her attitude is what allowed the accident AND alienated her DIL. If SIL can believe in her, it can be healed.

(Your sister needs a bit more work. Best not to expose poor SIL to her for a while....)

diddl · 22/11/2015 21:06

Why was your mum so concerned about them not leaving straightaway, ie when they wanted to?

WhatamessIgotinto · 22/11/2015 21:07

Your mother should be ringing your SIL to apologise and assuring her that she understands her concerns. It sounds as though SIL has every reason to be 'PFB' while she's at your mum's if this is the kind of thing that happens. I feel sorry for the poor woman.

MrsFrankRicard · 22/11/2015 21:08

Who is to blame here - your DM. She wasn't looking after him properly and she also told your SIL to relax a bit and to leave the room, had she not relaxed or left the room it wouldn't have happened and I bet she is wishing she had stood up for herself and this would have been avoided. I am more like your SIL (a helicopter) and it used to bug me a little when told 'oh there is nothing that they can get at' when I tried to follow my toddler into different rooms in other people's houses, it's a daft attitude as you can't just let toddlers roam around unsupervised, there are always things they can 'get at'. Anyway in this instance your DM was 'supervising' but she should have moved him away from the unsecured bookcase, she didn't spot the risks when he was pulling at it Confused and if her house is unsafe then I wouldn't blame your SIL for not visiting, her DS's safety is most important.

diddl · 22/11/2015 21:11

"if her house is unsafe then I wouldn't blame your SIL for not visiting,"

It's not just about that imo, it's also being criticised for the way she supervises at MILs.

She knows her son & knows the risks!

pluck · 22/11/2015 21:12

MIL once let newborn DC be sunburnt, and then wanted to stay on longer than the week she'd already stated, as she was so distraught about the sunburn. However, I (postnatal) was about to gibber at all the drama and was very firm about her going home. She really was upset about the sunburn AND going home (whereas I was upset about the sunburn and her crying), but the time apart cooled things off: DC, my temper, her tears. Sometimes it's okay to part in anger!

chumbler · 22/11/2015 21:15

Completely agree with Anna, and I definitely would have left immediately for fear of what I might say!!

NanaNina · 22/11/2015 21:17

Can I ask your DM's age. Just wondering if she's quite old and her reactions aren't very quick, but if that was the case surely SIL wouldn't have left the child with his grandmother, while she was "sent" to chat to you in the kitchen. It sounds like SIL was trying to do as your DM wanted and "relax a bit" - how old is the child?

You're between a rock and a hard place really and your bound to be feeling for your mom but knowing she was at fault I assume. I think you said in your OP that your mom and SIL have always "had a bit of a difficult relationship" as is the case with so many DILs and MILs.

I can't blame your SIL for not wanting to visit again and she probably won't be happy about her DH taking the child in case there is another accident. Maybe your mother could visit at their home once the dust has settled - if it does.