Who is BU and to blame here?

[InTheBox]

On Friday afternoon my SiL, her Dh (my brother), their toddler Ds, my sister and I went to my mother's house.

SiL can be a bit Pfb but I don't think that's relevant in the following instance. Over the course of the afternoon Sil was quite literally hovering over her son whenever he took a step anywhere. Dm told her to relax a little. Admittedly Dm's house isn't very toddler-proof but there wasn't an immediate concern about his safety at the time as he was just playing with some brick-type toys.

I decided to start preparing dinner so then my sister and brother went out to get somemore supplies. Although I can't be sure of their exact exchange, Dm told Sil to come and keep me company in the kitchen.

Sil comes along and we're enjoying a glass of wine in the kitchen and a while later we hear my nephew screaming and crying. We rush to the living room to see him covered in shelves and drawers. At some point he pulled a bookcase which isn't joined up on himself.

He wasn't visibly hurt but I'm sure it must've been a fright and quite painful.

At this point my siblings return and Sil demands that they leave immediately which my brother does complicity.

I know that my Dm and Sil have always had a bit of a difficult relationship but I'm sure she'll use this as an excuse to veto any future visits. Dm thinks that accidents happen and thinks Sil unreasonable for insisting to leave immediatly. My brother has only expressed concern for Ds so is sort of staying out of the family politics of it all and my sister thinks that Sil is going to be vindictive over this (a vindictive bitch - to use her exact words) and should get a grip.

I have a good relationship with all of them but I can see all points of view. Sil refuses to talk about it bar saying that she won't put her child at risk again in the future.

Your DM was wrong to tell your SIL to relax when the furniture was not toddler proof. Then again for not watching him close enough. I would have told your MIL exactly what I thought of her. You'd SIL had every right to leave immediately. Your mother should apologise profusely as she has a lot of work ahead to regain their trust.

While being watched by your mother, your nephew pulled a bookshelf down on top of himself. He could have been killed. Seriously. your mother was bloody lucky.

Dm thinks that accidents happen and thinks Sil unreasonable for insisting to leave immediatly. I can't get my head around this. It is like someone not restraining a child in a car seat and then when he goes through the windscreen but luckily isn't killed saying "accidents happen, what is your problem?"

Your mother needs to realise what nearly happened, apologise and take the safety of her grandchildren more seriously - or accept that she is not able to mind them on their own as she isn't aware enough. Which would also mean she doesn't tell your SIL to relax when she is just minding her child.

You were all very lucky - google it. Dressers/bookshelves/wardrobes fall on toddlers and kill them.

I wasn't meaning to be dismissive inthebox It was intended as a genuine question. Are you worried that you will be asked to take sides? Are you worried that your DM has accidentally given your SIL a half decent reason to cut contact and you'll be asked to join in the SIL bashing that your DSis has already started even though you agree your DM was BU by not supervising the child properly? Are you planning to talk your DB round and need to be clear on who was BU about what? Are you concerned that your DB didn't take the lead and it was left to his DW despite it being his DM that had failed?

My MIL has failed to supervise my DC and it resulted in minor injury. DH told her off a bit. The end result was that we mainly, quietly, made sure she wasn't in sole charge of toddlers again. My MIL is lovely btw, as is my DH. The injury incident would not have been AIBU worthy by me nevermind another family member. Maybe a Chat "OMG you won't believe what my DM just did" Hence my question, why is it such a big deal who is BU?

DM was BU to fail to supervise. SIL would BU if she cut all contact as a result of this one incident. DB was BU to not handle the situation with his own DM.

Children have been killed by furniture falling on them. Your SIL was doing the right thing watching her toddler in a home that wasn't toddler proof to make sure he didn't hurt himself or damage something. Given her concerns, I don't think she would have left him unless she understood that your DM would be watching him instead. Your DM was dismissive of your SIL's concerns and your nephew narrowly escaped being seriously hurt after she encouraged your SIL to stop watching him, I can see why your SIL is upset. I think it was sensible for her to remove herself from the situation so she didn't say something she might regret. But then I'm guessing there is a lot of family history behind this judging from your sister's charming comment!

Going by your OP I would say this was the last straw for your SIL. Your DM does not sound like a pleasant MIL. Does she always order your SIL around so much, "don't do this, go and do that" etc?

Your dm and dsis sound like hard work. If I were your sil I'd be furious. Your nephew could have been killed.

Both your Mother and Sister sound bloody awful and your SIL is not over reacting.

Accidents Do happen and I was expecting him to have tripped over or to have stucka brick up his nose but he must have climbed up the shelves which shows she was not supervising at all.

Let's not get carried away here eh?

If you've known your SIL for ages you know if she usually flies off the handle or not. Sounds to me like she was already being bullied into not doing what she wanted (keeping a close eye on dn).

I reckon the only way for your mum to make things OK is to write her a letter saying how awful she's been feeling about what happened, how wrong she was and how dsil was right and DM will not disagree in future.

I bet she won't though.

I'm team SIL. Your mother has behaved very badly and completely at fault. Yes accidents happen but this was preventable and could have ended very badly indeed. Would she have been saying accidents happen then? She was negligent and I wouldn't be leaving my child with her again either, she can't be trusted because obviously she knows better than your SIL. I think you are too on your mothers side, feeling sad for her because she doesn't know when she will see her GC again, sorry but tough shit. If I was SIL I would have done exactly the same.

When DS was a baby, ILs wanted him for the day, he was very young but when they returned the car seat straps were done up under his arms rather than over his shoulders so the whole top part of his body was not strapped down. They had a cardboard box of a car that only just fitted his seat and had been driving on a 70mph road. I had explicitly told MIL and showed her how to do his seat. When I said (in horror) "who did his straps, they are wrong" and MIL just said "oh well we can't be expected to remember everything" in a tone as if they had just left something behind. She really didn't see the issue. That was the end of them taking him out in the car again.

Team SIL. He could have been killed. She was right to leave. She'd been hovering bcs she could see the place wasnt save, had tried to 'relax' in order to keep the peace, her fears were confirmed.

I'd be absolutely FURIOUS if I were your sil.

Sorry, I'm with your SIL!

That must have been terrifying for your sil. Not pfb at all.

I think there were twins who climbed up a chest of drawers.

When we moved in to our flat we got the movers to attach all the high furniture to the walls. itwas quite easy for them, it probably wouldn't cost your mum much, and could reassure your sil that it wouldn't happen again.

Let's not get carried away here eh?

Carried away to where? A place where obvious risks to a toddler's health and safety are understood?

Have a look at this (the mildest of the links available).

www.nbcnews.com/id/48573739/ns/health-childrens_health/t/unexpected-threat-tipping-furniture-causes-child-deaths/

pictish how are people getting carried away?

I'm with your sil! I would be furious if my mil told me to relax, sent me of to the kitchen and then when she was watching my toddler he got into a accident. That is exactly why your sil was probably quite edgy. It could have been so so much worse.

Your mum owes her daughter in law a major apology, it's not something that happens it could have been avoided.

I really like my mil but if did what your mum did, I dread to think what I would say, so I would probably leave quickly too!

I know furniture falling on children is a risk - there was a wee girl not long ago killed by a chest of drawers in her bedroom falling on top of her. Awful...devastating.

I was referring to the ever increasing assertions of the mil and sil's awfulness, the enhancement of the plot by deciding how it must have unfolded and the finger wagging tone at OP.
It starts tipping into the realm of fantasy fodder eventually.

Another one who thinks your DM was to blame. I think your SIL was remarkably restrained.

Somewhat team SIL

I think the big thing is your dm and sis reaction to be honest .... If dm owned that she screwed up and didn't play silly beggars when SIL wanted to leave then maybe SIL would see it as an accident

I must say if sis is that vitriolic usually about SIL why should she bring nephew around

I know you feel bad for dm but she has herself to blame.... She may adore nephew but obviously not enough to respect his mothers parenting style

I'm with everyone else who thinks your mum is at fault here. "Accidents happen" is not a good enough response here - yes they do, but this was preventable and her lack of proper supervision was the issue - she needs to own that. She can say sorry till the cows come home - and has she actually truly sincerely apologized and has she shown concern for his well being , or is her concern all about being "denied access" in the future? - anyway all the apologies in the world are useless until she can understand her part in this, learn from it and show that this sort of thing won't happen again on her watch. That will be the only way trust can be rebuilt.

She dismissed SIL's concerns and she then let a potentially lethal accident occur through her negligence - I would have major trust issues here if I was SIL. She wouldn't be getting unsupervised access to my child for a very long time, if ever, and I probably wouldn't be visiting her house unless safety measures were taken. That response wouldn't be to punish her, it would be because if she can't learn from this and show she has learnt, she is not a safe person to be in charge of toddlers sadly.

SIL is the only reasonable one here, she left ASAP before anything dreadful and unforgivable was said, not sure I could have managed that.

Your poor SIL.

Her husband husband should be sticking up for her and his son here, not trying to placate his bitchy, irresponsible mother who obviously doesn't give a fuck that she is responsible for a nasty accident that could have been fatal.

A decent, non-toxic grandparent would not be excusing their negligence with bullshit about "accidents" happening after bullying the child's mother out of the room.

The fact that her chief concern is still herself is very telling.

Best that the child never sees her again given her lack of concern for his safety.

There is only one side here, and you should be on it.

I was referring to the ever increasing assertions of the mil and sil's awfulness, the enhancement of the plot by deciding how it must have unfolded and the finger wagging tone at OP.
It starts tipping into the realm of fantasy fodder eventually.

We must be reading different threads. no fantasy fodder on this thread just people saying what happened was serious and potentially fatal. SIL reacted understandably, and MIL is not reasonable in thinking and saying "accidents happen"

And the finger wagging tone you perceive (can't say I did) at the OP was possibly because most people realise immediately that what happened was serious and a big dodged bullet and her mother's reaction was way out of order.

It's ridicilous to say your DM won't have a relationship with her grandchild. She will just need to visit at SIL and your brother's house and accept that one of the parents will always be in the room with the toddler. And that this is 100% her fault for making SIL feel like an overprotective freak when actually SIL knew exactly what her child was like and acted appropriately by watching him like a hawk.

He won't always be a toddler, so if your mum can accept her mistake and genuinely work on rebuilding the trust under SIL's terms, SIL will get over it. It may take a year or until toddler stage is over... Unless of course your mum starts minimising and claiming she's overreacting. Then she'll be rightfully told she has no right demanding anything.

I'd be fuming if I was your sil. Absolutely fuming.

Your mother clearly wanted her out of the way, then failed to look after DN adequately. Then she basically tried to downplay it by saying that "accidents happen".

If I were sil then it would be a cold day in hell before she'd have unsupervised access again.

And your sister sounds like a nasty little bitch.

I'm glad you called sil Box - it will have meant a lot to her that you took the time and made the effort to do that. She's lucky to have someone in the family that doesn't automatically take your mother's side

OP - so where was your mother when this occurred? I have read the thread and still can't see that answered. (Team SIL here too)