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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be fed up about DH's hobby dominating the whole weekend, every weekend?

110 replies

Strawberryade · 21/11/2015 22:13

DH does a hobby all day every Saturday from about 8am until 5 or 6pm. Which I think is bad enough but I am getting sick of it because it dominates the whole weekend.

Obviously he is out all day Saturday so we can never do anything as a family, or I can never do anything by myself on Saturdays. When he gets home he is tired and therefore just plonks himself in the chair watching TV, opts out of parenting and dozes off by 8pm. On a Saturday night. Great.

Then on Sundays he is always 'tired' too so just lays around, never wants to do anything, won't do any chores. I end up feeling like a single parent!

I can't just go off on a Sunday and do my own thing as he won't step up and do things with the DC or even make them a sandwich for lunch. He just sits there and moans about being tired from Saturday.

To clarify, it's a fairly physical hobby but not very physical and involves lots of periods of sitting down during the day as well as being active.

I have tried to speak to him about it but he doesn't see the problem. AIBU?

OP posts:

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 22/11/2015 10:31

Gosh, that's a bit harsh, Daemon. Of course there are things that the OP can do about this but fear that it may lead to the end of the marriage is not a trivial reason for delay. It has taken years for the situation to get to this point. The OP is not going to be able to turn things round in hours. She needs to do a lot of thinking and planning.

How do your family and friends view the current situation, OP?

Fairenuff · 22/11/2015 10:45

I agree with Daemon. OP hasn't even bothered to engage with posters on the thread at all.

Only1scoop · 22/11/2015 10:46

Has Op been back?

Elendon · 22/11/2015 10:55

My ex used to do the cricket weekends, which also extended to weekdays. I'd let him because if he didn't get to go, he'd get angry, never to the children, he made an effort there all right, but always his anger was directed towards me.

harshbuttrue1980 · 22/11/2015 10:57

I don't think there's a problem with him doing a hobby every Saturday, but he should then be spending Sunday being more switched on to his family. I think it would be reasonable for you to start arranging girlie lunches etc on Sundays and leaving him with the kids - he's have to step up then. I strongly believe that both partners need to be able to have a life and their independence even when they are married, but that needs to apply to both people and not just one of them!

Enkopkaffetak · 22/11/2015 11:10

Bit out of practice

I said what you hate so much. I stand by it for these reasons

OP states she has already tried talking and he is not responsive

I think in a marriage/partnership we all need training...

The Op's dh is being allowed to do this aka not treated like a equal in this partnership. (he is not treating his dw equally either)

To be treated like equals in a partnership both partners need training in how to behave. I think the OP is as much as fault here as the dh is simply because she has allowed this to happen,

Much like the dog who has been taught that it is acceptable to jump up people when they arrive in their home even though people really don't want that to happen. You can change that behavior. Here op and dh both needs their behaviors retrained.

Op needs training in saying " no this doesn't work for us as a family"
Ops' dh needs training to learn that he cant opt out of his family/

TOGETHER they need to find out what DOES work for their family. This can be all sorts of mixtures depends on what works for their family. Its all very well people saying He can go every 2nd week or she can go every Sunday etc etc. For some families it work for 1 of them to go out for the day every weekend and the partner is happy with this. For others it is not workable Only op can work out with her dp what is suitable for THEIR family.
.

IMO that is simple training.

Nanny0gg · 22/11/2015 12:42

I think it would be reasonable for you to start arranging girlie lunches etc

How does that work when the 'girlies' may well have family they want to spend time with?

The OP's husband is completely opting out of family life. That's what's not on.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 22/11/2015 13:54

What I find most distressing about this situation is not his absence every Saturday but his complete unwillingness to engage with his family on Sundays. Because he's "tired". I'd suggest that he's getting too old for all this exertion if it's sapping his strength for a whole day and he needs to cut it down or out before his kids see him as a complete irrelevance, or some sort of lodger in the house rather than as another parent. And I wouldn't be afraid of mentioning the "divorce" word either. The OP sounds like she's practically running a single-parent household already.

Lazy, selfish bastard!

2rebecca · 22/11/2015 15:26

We both have hobbies but i agree that if his hobby leaves him too tired to do anything else he is too old/ unfit for his hobby or deliberately choosing it over family. Why has it only become an issue now though? If you chose to settle with a bloke with a consuming hobby why wasnt it discussed when planning a family?
Is it a hobby he can just do some weeks or a team sport. Agree with the name the fecking hobby comments and how good he is at it. If he plays for a national team then you knew what you were taking on. If he goes to watch Arsenal he's just a lazy selfish toad

BaronessSamedi · 22/11/2015 15:50

YANBU.
i wouldn't have that. no fucking chance.
selfish prick.

derxa · 22/11/2015 15:52

Agree with the name the fecking hobby comments and how good he is at it. If he plays for a national team then you knew what you were taking on. If he goes to watch Arsenal he's just a lazy selfish toad
Personally I think he's a member of the furry fandom.

DeoGratias · 22/11/2015 15:55

She enables his conduct. First once a month on Saturdays hire childcare and go off and do your own thing.
Second from next weekend on the Sunday just leave him to the children and housework. Give him a list of what needs to be ready by the end of the day.
Report back.

annandale · 22/11/2015 16:00

At 6 and 9 the children are old enough to take part in a lot of hobbies, especially if it's a sport. He could take them with him. You too, at least occasionally?

green18 · 22/11/2015 16:04

Make your own plans for Saturday! Do it!You are equal!

anonacfr · 22/11/2015 16:24

I'm sorry. Furry fandom?

fuzzpig · 22/11/2015 16:30

I am so NOT googling 'furry fandom' - I learned from dragon butter

derxa · 22/11/2015 16:35

en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Furry_fandom Not my personal experience though

SurlyCue · 22/11/2015 16:40

he won't step up and do things with the DC or even make them a sandwich for lunch

Well either you are lying about this or you are telling us you choose to have your children in the house with someone who wouldnt even feed them if they were hungry.

Which is it?

KatharinaRosalie · 22/11/2015 16:48

If he is too tired to do anything for the family the whole weekend then obviously this hobby is too much for him and he has to quit.
I really can't see how he can reasonably justify opting out like this.

lorelei9 · 22/11/2015 16:54

I just googled dragon butter.

no comparison with furry fandom!

SurlyCue · 22/11/2015 16:58

My dad had a weekend hobby. It was cross country horse racing and show jumping. We were just taken along, both of us in nappies in the early days (17 months apart) Mum worked nights and needed to sleep during the day so no choice. I never remember him being stressed about us being there. A friend would watch us while he completed the course (he jokes about this being the reason he won so often- had to get back to us ) we loved it and it meant we spent every weekend in the great outdoors. There were always loads of kids.

Lizsmum · 22/11/2015 17:35

My DH has an all consuming hobby too .... and now we're both retired I'm very glad of it because it gets him out of the way. A light at the end of the tunnel?

derxa · 22/11/2015 17:40

My dad had a weekend hobby. It was cross country horse racing and show jumping. Surly That sounds like more than a hobby. Do you follow in his footsteps?

SurlyCue · 22/11/2015 17:56

Much to his disappointment i didnt derxa. Its true the horses were much more of a commitment than, say golfing, you cant just ignore them until the weather is good but it was his hobby since childhood. We were involved as children, really because of the time commitment they took up. He had to be out mucking out or hosing down or exercising the horses and where he was we were so yes we grew up doing it but when high school started we were able to step back as a) we didnt need so much adult supervision and b) we werent that into it.

BestZebbie · 22/11/2015 18:02

How old are the DCs?
If they are, say 1 and 3, I understand your concern about leaving them with someone who might not meet their needs. But if they are, say 7 and 9, won't they pester their accompanying adult when they get hungry until they can't just be ignored?

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