To be fed up about DH's hobby dominating the whole weekend, every weekend?

[Strawberryade]

DH does a hobby all day every Saturday from about 8am until 5 or 6pm. Which I think is bad enough but I am getting sick of it because it dominates the whole weekend.

Obviously he is out all day Saturday so we can never do anything as a family, or I can never do anything by myself on Saturdays. When he gets home he is tired and therefore just plonks himself in the chair watching TV, opts out of parenting and dozes off by 8pm. On a Saturday night. Great.

Then on Sundays he is always 'tired' too so just lays around, never wants to do anything, won't do any chores. I end up feeling like a single parent!

I can't just go off on a Sunday and do my own thing as he won't step up and do things with the DC or even make them a sandwich for lunch. He just sits there and moans about being tired from Saturday.

To clarify, it's a fairly physical hobby but not very physical and involves lots of periods of sitting down during the day as well as being active.

I have tried to speak to him about it but he doesn't see the problem. AIBU?

We never get to know what the hobby is, because then someone might be "outed." I post on tons of forums, and MN is the only one where people are so obsessed with being outed.

I like to imagine that you're all part of MI6.

Fuck that! Why do so many women put up with lazy selfish arses?! See it so much on mn and IRL.

OP at the MOST he should only be doing it eow! He's a father to young dc THEY are more important than any bloody hobby!

I think you know he wouldn't divorce you as he's got it cushty by the sound of it. Why are you responsible/doing everything to make sure everything ready for start of week?

Sbexh tried this shit when I first started working full time (and longer hours than him) after we got married (I had to move due to his job so took a few weeks to find a new job). He got away with it for a week! Then I stopped doing anything for him, no laundry no cleaning of anything he'd used, no cooking even if I was cooking/preparing a snack for myself, no ironing nothing! Oh and (terrible and supposedly unacceptable) but no sex either! Guess what? Within a week I had an apology and a promise it wouldn't happen again. He made equal contribution to the running of our home to me and as I got home later than him I'd usually find he'd started dinner too.

He did try similar shit one day several years later when I had dd, but I reminded him what happened last time he tried that and it didn't happen the next day!

Make arrangements for next Saturday, leave him with the kids, their schedule, and what chores need doing and be very clear there will be hell to pay if he doesn't step up!

steff

Hazarding a guess at sailing.

Your post resonated with me OP. It sounds like the hobby is cricket. And I am also reflecting on the ground rules and habits for family life and how they are formed now I have a 4 month old DD. I have experience of both my DH (before he was my DH) and my dad playing cricket on a Saturday. It takes all bloody day and most of it seems to involve sitting around waiting to bat or standing on the outskirts of a field waiting for the ball to come your way. Dull but also tiring. Doing not much all day is quite tiring,i find. However, that is not really your problem. And I'm sure that people who play cricket enjoy it and being part of a team,banter, etc.
My DH played cricket for about a year for a local team. I think I was ok with it initially,then realised just how much time it was going to take up ie all bloody day every single Saturday. He had to miss several matches that year anyway for us to go to weddings, holidays etc. In some ways it was nice to have a bit of time to myself but once the season was up I was ready for him to stop. I can't remember know how it was decided that he would stop but I think we discussed it over time and agreed that it was taking up too much of our free time. If I had had DD there is no way he would be allowed to do it until she was of an age when she didn't want/need to be with her parents on a Saturday any more. As kids we were definitely older and didn't need intensive looking after when my dad played. To me weekends are for family time and catching up with chores. Anyone spending half their weekend on something else had better step up massively on the other 2 things the rest of the time. And as many others have pointed out, you deserve as much if a break as he does.
As I say your post has also got me thinking about what the ground rules for my own family life are/should be. The tv thing is interesting from your post and the replies. As soon as DH is through the door after work I hand DD to him. 'your turn'. This must be hard after a day at work. The point is though that I've been working all day too, and for longer than him. He's been able to relax on his commute, at lunchtime, etc. I've been on duty all day. Even when DD is asleep I'm still on call. And when she's awake I have to be a parent to her, be upbeat ,communicative, think of ways to entertain her. And it's hard. And cumulatively gets harder during the day. So by tea time or bed time it is very tempting to just plonk DD in front of the tv to keep her entertained although I try not to do this. I do it sometimes, and that's ok. But DH will regularly come home, say hi to DD for 5 minutes and then sit in front of the tv with her. I understand why, he's tired, lacking inspiration etc. But it's not good enough, for their relationship or her development. So I'm going to talk to DH about it and suggest he think of things for them to do together that don't involve the Tele. Books with children's activities might help.
You know your DH best, OP. It sounds like you don't want a divorce. In my experience the best way to get through to someone is to walk in their shoes. He probably thinks that he works hard all week and deserves a break. He probably hasn't even considered the extra housework you do when he's not there. I find that lots of men don't! But then i think a lot of women feel that the house reflects on them and so feel like they need to do more housework. Eg if we have guests I feel like I need to clean, DH doesn't give a stuff what they think about the state of our house. No easy answer as to who is right or who should do what work. This has to be a negotiation between you based on your expectations of what needs to be done around the house. Maybe he doesn't think that the parenting you do is 'work' (it is). He spends his Saturdays with presumably other men who also think it's ok to spend Saturdays away from their families and probably use jokes and banter to justify that decision. Maybe he has never thought these issues through because he hasn't ever had to, or doesn't want to because to acknowledge these issues will involve more work. All I can suggest is that you try to show him that you can see his point of view but that the situation really isn't fair from your point of view (or any sane adult). Ime starting from the other person's pov helps them to be less defensive initially. A letter? A timed discussion where you get 5 mins uninterrupted to say what you think and he gets the same to respond? Think about what method would work best. Best of luck.

I doubt its cricket because it's only half of the year, and the other half.

I quite simply don't understand how you got to this point of your dc being 6 and 9 before you questioned this. He sounds like an utter waste of space no more no less.

I hate it when the advice is "don't sit down and talk to him like an adult. No. Not that. Men need training".

Fuck that. He's not a dog!

OP has already been talking to him for 6 years and nothing has changed. And he's not behaving like a responsible adult.

Definitely just go out on Sundays. He gets every Saturday to do his own thing, why on earth shouldn't you? And don't worry about the DCs, they're old enough to bug their dad if they need anything.

A friend of mine divorced her husband because of his all-consuming LARPing every weekend/researching and making arrangements throughout the week. Never regretted it.

He'd probably divorce me if I disappeared before he had to go!

Interesting response. Did you not discuss this Saturday stuff before you decided to have children?

It's not a case of you going out on Sundays to make up for it - it is a case of - is this a deal breaker for you? It obviously would be for him. His hobby is more important than you to him.

Why not use this to get divorced, and find a man that does value you?

Just go out all day Sunday.

But, what goes on in the week? Do you both work full time, sameish hours?

Shemozle. Is your partners musical hobby his only source of income or does he fit it around a day job?

How can he seriously think this is ok?
Why would the place be a tip if you left them for a while? An adult and 2children aged 6 and 9 and the place would be a tip? That's ridiculous.
Just start arranging things and tell him that it's not fair on anyone else and you're not living like this anymore.
Start off with telling him that he needs to spend 3 hrs on a Sunday involved in family life. Surely that's not too much?
Then discuss things you could do in those 3 hrs, where you could go, what chores he could help with etc.
that's how I would approach it.

Flum, giving up work and being financially dependent on a man you may end up divorcing doesn't sound like great advice to me. Better for OP to concentrate on keeping her financial independence, building up her own pension and so on in case they do end up splitting up.

Then discuss things you could do in those 3 hrs, where you could go, what chores he could help with etc

This makes my teeth itch. "Help with" - no, no, no. The verb you are looking for is "do", as in be responsible for, pulling his weight, not just doing it as a favour to his handmaiden.

Also, whilst I totally understand the advice for OP to fuck off out on her own on Sunday, having each parent spend a weekend day independently is hardly conducive to family life. You need to be creating space for you all spend time together with your kids. He needs to step down his hobby and give you time to yourself while he steps up with the kids.

Correction accepted RomCom of course I meant 'do'
I only suggested it as a start. I think sometimes when you get fed and having a talk about things like this, it doesn't always work to just say say 'spend more time with the kids/doing something as a family'. It can be a bit vague.
It's better to start off with more specific targets and then continue from there.

DH is out all day today cycling, however, he woke an hour before he had to leave, emptied and refilled the dishwasher, cleaned the kitchen, put a load of washing in and washed the floor -I suspect the dog had been sick which was his fault--
He does this not 'for me' but because he lives here too.

Can he reduce his sport to half a day

Can you talk to him about involvement and things he could do each week - domestic and family orientated

Buy him the 60 minute father by Robert parsons I think? He really needs to reflect and this book will help him

What is the point of this thread? Is it just to moan? To show off what a self-sacrificing good little martyr you are? Because there are things you can do about this if you really want to but you don't want to do them because he "might divorce you".