To be fed up about DH's hobby dominating the whole weekend, every weekend?

[Strawberryade]

DH does a hobby all day every Saturday from about 8am until 5 or 6pm. Which I think is bad enough but I am getting sick of it because it dominates the whole weekend.

Obviously he is out all day Saturday so we can never do anything as a family, or I can never do anything by myself on Saturdays. When he gets home he is tired and therefore just plonks himself in the chair watching TV, opts out of parenting and dozes off by 8pm. On a Saturday night. Great.

Then on Sundays he is always 'tired' too so just lays around, never wants to do anything, won't do any chores. I end up feeling like a single parent!

I can't just go off on a Sunday and do my own thing as he won't step up and do things with the DC or even make them a sandwich for lunch. He just sits there and moans about being tired from Saturday.

To clarify, it's a fairly physical hobby but not very physical and involves lots of periods of sitting down during the day as well as being active.

I have tried to speak to him about it but he doesn't see the problem. AIBU?

If you go out on Sunday, you really think he won't even feed the children? If that's a serious comment, they need saving from their useless dad.

I would tell him every other weekend max, if he 'doesn't see the problem' tell him fine, you're taking up a hobby that will take all day Saturday every other weekend and that's that. He is being ridiculously self absorbed.

tell him he needs to make his kids his hobby!

"I just would feel bad for the DCs if I just leave them with him, as he won't do anything for/with them or even really engage with them at all.

And I'd get back to a complete tip with nothing ready for the week ahead."

At 6 and 9, DCs are able to voice their needs to their DDad (assuming no SN), so you don't have to worry unduly if you go out & leave him with them on a Sunday. As for the complete tip you fear, several things strike me about this:
You will return refreshed and in a better frame of mind to tackle the mess,
or - you can ignore it (I don't know your DH, but a mess would annoy my DH more than it would bug me),
or - on your return you could thank him for parenting for the day and point out the tasks yet to be done to complete the job (meaning the tidying up & preparation for family's week ahead)
You choose. Remember that you do have a choice in all of this. You don't have to put up with it, YANBU to be fed up.

How long has he been doing this hobby? Has this been going on for years? I would be having a very serious chat with him, he's behaving like a single man with no responsibilities. YANBU, it's not on at all.

She has tried talking to him, alleypalley, he doesn't see the problem. Hence why several of us are suggesting action!

Agree either he goes EOW with hobby or moves his hobby to a Sunday or accepts that for every hour he spends on his hobby you get exactly the same amount on yours.

If his disagrees tell him you really don't see the problem.

I had this problem with STBXH for years, I now know I was part of the problem as I just enabled him.

Get up tomorrow and go out. It's not as aggressive a tactic as going out early Saturday morning, but it is a warning shot. Expect kids to be fed utter shit and square eyed from TV

Another blood boiling on your behalf. So what exactly does he contribute to family life?

I would announce that I will be spending every other Saturday out of the house doing whatever I fancy doing. He will get every other Saturday, just like me. If he seriously objected then I'd divorce him (and then he would get every other weekend).

It sounds very frustrating. I suspect the problem isn't so much the hobby but that he is lazy and selfish on top of the hobby. That there is a total lack of family time.

My OH is a musician, so at a minimum he has 2 evenings a week where he has band practices. On an average week he has one gig as well. Some weeks he has 2 gigs as well as rehearsals and twice a year he goes touring in Europe for a fortnight. Oh, he is also a band promoter so if he doesn't play a gig he is setting up the sound etc and staying to pay bands. In the past he has acted like its work and I remind him it is a hobby, and he is fortunate to be able to do it.

This weekend he's arranged a festival so he wasn't back until 2am and then left at 9:30 this morning. Won't be back until 5am. Occasionaly I feel a bit jealous that I don't have that much time doing something independently that I enjoy, but I certainly don't resent him for it. Because when he is home he does at least an equal share in parenting/cooking/cleaning. He rearranges his whole work schedule on driving us places. He always makes time for regular family days out, even if that means taking time off midweek. We have family film night and family games night as often as possible. He's conscious of keeping that kind of thing up because he doesn't have lots of evenings spare. If that wasn't the case I'd be very upset about it.

Could you work out some evening family nights, cinema or museum after school, takeaway and movie night, and talk to him about changing his hobby to fortnightly?

To add, I have friends and family that have told me they think the amount of time he is doing band stuff is unreasonable, which made me wonder a few times, but I've observed they have partners who are generally unmotivated around the house. Never do much to help parenting/cooking/DIY etc. so I suppose they are imagining an unequal household as well as lots of free time which needn't be the case. I think the most important aspect is now available they are to family time when they are home.

That really isn't an option. He has had many years to get used to the idea that he has a family. His actions are selfish. He is putting his own wants and desires first. That is not what you do when you have children. . . THEY should come first. This isn't acceptable.

When you have children you have to make sacrifices. One of those sacrifices is hobbies. A few hours a week? Fine. A commitment to a full, long day, every week that then hangs over into the next day? No.

Think about the sacrifices you've made for your children OP. Career? Hobbies? Sleep? Lifestyle? Aspirations? Now what has your husband given up? Fuck all? I'm sure he can manage to show his devotion to his family by realising that checking out all weekend is totally unacceptable.

what is the hobby?

some questions:

You have more than one child,so I'm assuming this isn't a "opps.... forgot the contraception" situation.

Is he their birth father?

Did he want children?

Did he agree to have children?

Does he love them?

How does he view the role and importance of a parent?

Is one or more of your DCs a girl? What does he want for her in the future around her life-partner?

Does he know what "modelling" is?

How does he see his relationship with his children in the future (as they are teens and adults)?

Is he happy to be a parent?

Why on earth do you let him do that every weekend?! How about he does that one weekend, you pursue a hobby of your own the following weekend while he gets to know his own children a bit better, and the next weekend the whole family does something together, then back to his hobby weekend again, etc?

I completely agree with roundaboutthetown. Please sit him down and have a talk. If you don't then you must think he is more important than you and your children.

My DH has always had very time consuming hobbies too: cricket, fishing, golf. When the kids were young it was a pain in the arse. My youngest is 7 now and it doesn't bother me so much anymore. I don't work anymore so get lots of free time and me time during the week.

Soooo if you work you could resign and let him take the financial strain. Then let him do whatever he wants on the weekends and get your freebie on Mondays haha. Maybe he won't be able to afford his hobby the though.,,. Might be a win win.

He is simply a selfish lazy man. Have a serious chat. Otherwise he'll be having his children all weekend, every other weekend ( though sounds like he will be one of the distant never sees his kids kind in the long run),

I wouldn't sit him down. I would stop allowing him to " be tired" " opt out" "not engage" So he comes home tired fine.. Doesn't mean he can opt out of parenting.

Call him constantly make a nuisance out of yourself until he comes to help

Send the children to ask him for stuff

go tell him you need him to go do x

Then tell him Y has to be done by x time etc etc until everything is done

Sunday leave go do what you want to do and to begin with leave him a list of what has to be done

Ensure he knows children can NOT be left to watch tv/play computer games for the day so on list add something for him to do with the kids

Once you return if the list is not finished tell him to get on with it until the list is. Point out this was what YOU did Saturday (obviously take part in the putting children to bed etc however the cleaning he didnt do that is his to deal with.

TOGETHER you work out the stuff needed for the next week.

One of the reasons why this is happening is because you LET him do that.

Years ago I started working many weekends. To begin with I would come home to a tip. I pointed out over and over again for dh what He had to do to ensure it didnt look like that.. YES to begin with the kids watched more tv than I was ok with . However as time went on they also got to go on bike rides with dad and to the park and they went in the garden with him.. Dinner was made when I came home.. Ok the cleaning was not always to my standards but He had done a darn good stab..

he has a good relationship with the kids. They can laugh at his lack of wish to do x things with us now (it is his idea of hell to go to a National trust place for example - so we dont take him)

It took time. However he learnt because he HAD to learn.. I didn't engage in it as at the time we needed me to bring in that money.

We have currently gone through something different. I was a SAHM for many years (bar the weekend work) 2 years ago I started working full time. It took a LONG time before he got He had to now pull more of the housework and cleaning but he is getting there.. Last Friday he and dd1 (age almost 18) came to my work (shop) to ask me " whats for dinner?" I replied. "Well I am eating here. I have NO idea what you lot are having" They made spag bol... Saturday I was not asked what was for dinner (working late both days) they worked it out.

However it would have been very easy for me to say " there is frozen spag bol in the freezer or - I put something in the slow cooker" However I do not do anyone any favours if I allow them to expect that to be my responsibility. Not dh not the dd's and not ds.. they ALL need to see that we are a " we as a family" not just mum and them...

Don't allow your dh to opt out of being part of the family.

Personally I do not think this means he has to stop going to his hobby if you are ok with him going every weekend (Some would be ok with that work that out for yourself) what is not ok is him not engaging and taking full part.

You can literally train him to act different.. he has just got into bad habits..

I know many will say "why should op have to do that?" Well she doesn't have to. However part of the reason why the dh behaves as he does.. is he is allowed. So the simple answer is stop allowing it.

I do 3 hobbies that have the potential to be massively time consuming. Plus I work Ft, and have small children.

Not going to say exactly what the hobbies are but one is triathlon type stuff, one is something similar and one is a group thing that sounds comparable to your DH.

I DO NOT do them for a full weekend day. One I do for a couple of hours on a Saturday morning as I have to fit in with the club, the others i fit in as and when, be it evening or taking the odd day off work.

I do them by arrangements with DH. If anyone is ill, or stuff needs doing I DONT go. If they become incompatible with family life I will give them up, to put them on hold for a few years. And I don't get a free pass if I'm tired or injured (one of the sports is pretty injury intense - I have had to accept that I cannot pursue it in the way I want because of this)

I love my hobbies, they help massively with mental and physical health but thy are absolutely secondary to family your DH is being a nob. Family life has to come first.

Why can't we know what the 'hobby' is?

The first rule of AIBU is you don't discuss the hobby.

The second rule of AIBU is you don't discuss the hobby.

OK MrsT I understand now