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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my DP to stay in Paris with me?

129 replies

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 14:38

DP and I live in Paris, in an apartment together. He has lived here a few years, I have only just moved in last month. As such, I don't have any close friends here.

He is due to go away this weekend to the UK for a hobby. I feel nervous and worried being in Paris at the moment, and would prefer it if he stayed in Paris with me. We live 5 minutes away from last weeks attacks.

There is no opportunity for me to go to the UK with him, so please don't suggest it!

He was in the UK last weekend for the same hobby whilst the attacks were taking place. I was house bound alone and very scared.

Rationally I know that if something happens it happens, and he can't actually stop it! He would lose his fun weekend, and the travel expenses too. I am only asking him to stay so I can have the extra comfort and support.

WWYD?

OP posts:

DinosaursRoar · 18/11/2015 18:11

TwoSmellyDogs - do you really not have alot of people in your life who take part in sports? I find that odd, not just that DH has always had some sport or other, but most of my friend's DHs have something they 'do' - rugby, cycling/mountain biking, football, golf, cricket... then theres the musical ones...

Woman friends do seem to have less official hobbies, and I rather wish I could find one I liked, I only really exercise for my arse size, I do envy DH and friend's DHs who have sports they enjoy to get them regularly exercising for fun rather than as a chore...

Birdsgottafly · 18/11/2015 19:15

Where about are you OP, are you anywhere near today's Suicide Bombing, or the shootout?

Is he being supportive, at all?

Enjolrass · 18/11/2015 19:26

Yabu OP. Life can not and does not stop.

I was injured in Derry as a child. So was brought up with the 'don't let the bastards win' mentality though.

I remember your other thread. Since you aren't living there permanently and he was upfront about how many weekends away, I agree with you that it would be a bit shit to ask him to stop.

If it was a really big deal, you wouldn't be there now. But, as I said in that thread, you need to be upfront and tell him you would expect it to slow down if you were to get married and/or have kids.

MagicalMrsMistoffelees · 18/11/2015 19:32

Glad it's not just me who has noticed the MN hobbies thing. It makes me chuckle that they're never revealed but clouded in an air of mystery.

Like someone else said, how specialist can a hobby be that it would potentially 'out' someone?!

I guess Christmas Elf might do it.

Enjolrass · 18/11/2015 19:33

Having moved in a month ago, it is honeymoon, yes. He should be treating you better.

She hasn't moved in. She is staying with him for 3 months.

polyhymnia · 19/11/2015 00:18

Quite Enjolrass. And she's not 'vulnerable '. She's an adult who would be best just getting on with life, just as people have to do on the other cities who have suffered terrorist attacks, like London.

SmillasSenseOfSnow · 19/11/2015 01:08

Like someone else said, how specialist can a hobby be that it would potentially 'out' someone?!

I'm pretty sure it's always LARPing. Though I don't know why that would be seasonal. Or at least in the sense that people do it in late autumn/winter.

PennyHasNoSurname · 19/11/2015 01:31

Not entirely the nicest way to spend three months - the person you are staying with trotting off for three days in seven every week and the atrocities that have happened lately. And no funds by the sounds of it.

Id cut my losses and just come home full time.

SelfLoathing · 19/11/2015 01:57

I'm pretty sure it's always LARPing

If you mean live action role playing, don't be insane. That's full of men who never ever could get a gf so they subsistute with LARP.

It's usually cycling or some variant of cycling like triathlons or sportives.

DuchessDaisy · 19/11/2015 09:59

self you have just described my younger DB who is a lovely guy but with an unhealthy interest in cloaks and helmets

expatinscotland · 19/11/2015 10:07

I do like a good cloak, me.

CoralieConfused · 19/11/2015 10:27

No, no! It's an academic sort of hobby apparently With conferences and things, 'but fun'. WHAT is the hobby, my goodness I'm OBSESSED.

BoxofSnails · 19/11/2015 10:43

Seasonal...age related...not permanent... I can't let this go, sorry!

Don't forget UK based. What do we do in the Autumn here with young people of both sexes? ?

CoralieConfused · 19/11/2015 10:48

BoxofSnails See above, 'academic' apparently. The mind boggles! Heeellllppp.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 19/11/2015 10:54

Why on earth would you be so scared about staying in Paris this weekend?

If you're really that worried about it then just avoid the big touristy or lively areas. Then spend the evening at home either watching films or catching up with colleagues if you know them well enough.

Some of the hysteria over last weekends' events is almost offensive to be honest. It was awful. The people who died, the people still in hospital, the families of those involved, and the people who had to witness what happened and live with what they saw.

It's about them. It's not about you.

OnTheEdgeToday · 19/11/2015 11:09

Goodnessgracious - you cannot minimise her feelings of worry because she wasnt directly involved. That is shit.

jamesdeandaydream · 19/11/2015 11:15

I can understand why you're feeling anxious about it and you're probably still in huge shock after last weekends events but I would let him go. Unfortunately a similar attack is just as likely in the UK as it is in France and there's nothing we can do apart from living our lives as normal. They want us to be scared and it sounds like too many people are giving them what they want by cancelling plans/not leaving the house etc. Be strong and try and keep your mind occupied for the weekend.

SrAssumpta · 19/11/2015 11:17

*Not entirely the nicest way to spend three months - the person you are staying with trotting off for three days in seven every week and the atrocities that have happened lately. And no funds by the sounds of it.

Id cut my losses and just come home full time.*

Definitely this

Louiseweez · 19/11/2015 11:21

I live near Paris. When I was single I lived IN Paris. You can't tremble indoors all the time, you'd go mad!

There are loads of English language Meetup groups in Paris to join! Google Meetup groups Paris. Mums can join MessageParis.org, for fantastic support. You haven't got kids but you're on mumsnet so I guess English language women's forums are helpful to you.

I think some Frenchness has rubbed off on me as I deliberately went out shopping on Saturday to show the bastards We Are Not Afraid. - Même pas Peur.

The President told us to stay in, my DH snorted at that. Can't tell a Frenchman what to do.

I'm driving to the UK this weekend. PM me if you want a lift to Dover / Ashford. We are travelling and We Are Not Afraid.

Mama1980 · 19/11/2015 12:00

I'm sorry op but I think Yabu, he shouldn't miss out. (Sidestepping the whole hobby time issue here)
I would go out as usual, but then as others have said I grew up in London where there was a IRA bomb scare every week and have lived in the Middle East. I used to live in paris where a bouts are you? There are loads of English pubs and groups about if you want to meet others.
We are all actually popping over to paris next week we won't change our plans.
But if you can't face it, wave him off with a smile, grab snacks and stay in with a box set.

Original poster

hannah0030 · 19/11/2015 12:22

Thank you everyone for your advice! I've managed to cobble together some plans for the weekend, so I haven't asked him.

With regards to the hobby, I don't wish to be deliberately obscure, but it's very very specific. And for me, it's not really as big of a deal as some posters are making out. We are young, with few responsibilities, and on the whole I enjoy living here in Paris. The hobby related plans were pre-planned before I got here, so I think it would be unreasonable for me to ask him to stop those plans.

Thank you for your advice xxx

OP posts:

squishee · 19/11/2015 12:33

Hi OP,

I sympathise - I live in central Paris, and was here through the attacks. A friend of a former workmate of mine did not make it out of the Bataclan concert hall. Tough times, but still life is getting back to some kind of normality. Paris must be the safest city in Europe right now, as PP have said.

I would echo this:
There are loads of English language Meetup groups in Paris to join! Google Meetup groups Paris. Mums can join MessageParis.org, for fantastic support. You haven't got kids but you're on mumsnet so I guess English language women's forums are helpful to you.

but I do wonder whether, in a state of emergency, Meetups and the like are actually allowed?

I would also question whether it's fair that your DP can afford to go on this jolly but you're left behind. Either you both go or neither of you go, I would have thought. Solidarité and all that.

Frazzled2207 · 19/11/2015 12:42

I think yanbu to want company in paris atm - do you have friends or family anywhere you could visit?

polyhymnia · 20/11/2015 11:47

OP, hope you have a good weekend - your decision sounds a good one.

Slutbucket · 20/11/2015 11:52

Going against the grain here but my husband wouldn't want me to be alone in a city that was only terrorised last week and with still a lot of repercussions happening. I'm absolutely gobsmacked.

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