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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my DP to stay in Paris with me?

129 replies

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 14:38

DP and I live in Paris, in an apartment together. He has lived here a few years, I have only just moved in last month. As such, I don't have any close friends here.

He is due to go away this weekend to the UK for a hobby. I feel nervous and worried being in Paris at the moment, and would prefer it if he stayed in Paris with me. We live 5 minutes away from last weeks attacks.

There is no opportunity for me to go to the UK with him, so please don't suggest it!

He was in the UK last weekend for the same hobby whilst the attacks were taking place. I was house bound alone and very scared.

Rationally I know that if something happens it happens, and he can't actually stop it! He would lose his fun weekend, and the travel expenses too. I am only asking him to stay so I can have the extra comfort and support.

WWYD?

OP posts:

SelfLoathing · 18/11/2015 15:05

Honestly grow up. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true. How would you manage if you were single? You don't need him. It would be different if you really did need him (eg. if you were ill/infirm etc) but "for comfort and support" -really, grow up! How old are you? It's pathetic to be scrabbling to cling to him when he can't actually DO anything to allay your fears.

Think of all the widows, widowers, elderly and infirm who are alone in Paris right now. They are managing. You can too.

ImperialBlether · 18/11/2015 15:06

I'm just surprised you are so young and are giving up your job etc to move to a foreign country to be with someone who's hardly there!

Seven weekends out of ten!

I know you have participated in four of them but tell the truth - if you weren't with him would you want to participate in them?

TheCrimsonPleb · 18/11/2015 15:07

I can understand your anxiety because of the terror attack and also because it is a new place for you and you might be feeling isolated. However, I think you should let him go. Maybe I'm a bit hard but I never like to be emotionally reliant on others I find it undercuts my self-confidence.

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:08

Yes ImperialBlether - it is through the hobby that we met.

Also I didn't give up a job or anything deliberately - I found myself on a 3 month break and thought it would be fun.

OP posts:

TattieHowkerz · 18/11/2015 15:08

As long as you are both happy enough it is fine. If you never get time together, feel isolated etc it is a problem. If my partner was away that much for a hobby is expect him to make me/our home life his priority the rest of the time.

AnUtterIdiot · 18/11/2015 15:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

juneau · 18/11/2015 15:09

Well if it was me I wouldn't ask him to stay. I can understand you feeling nervous, but I think this is a case of stiff upper lip and carry on as normal. And if you can't face going out, then get yourself some nice food in, a good box set, or perhaps invite someone over to keep you company - either someone from the UK or perhaps an acquaintance in Paris that you'd like to know better.

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:10

Sometimes I feel like I wish he would spend more time with me, and that in his eyes the hobby is more important...but I think it's temporary and I can deal with it. I've also had the chat with him and he has made it clear he isn't cutting down for the time being, so I have to put up with it tbh.

OP posts:

Floralnomad · 18/11/2015 15:10

If you met through the hobby why don't you go on all the weekends away ?

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:11

Because I can't afford all of the weekends away!

And we are too young / not serious enough to start sharing finances, and I wouldn't want him to pay for me. And I don't particularly want to do it ALL the time.

OP posts:

Thymeout · 18/11/2015 15:15

No - don't ask him to stay with you.

You'll spend the weekend feeling guilty that he's not doing what he wants and bad about yourself for being clingy.

Wave him off with a smile on your face, hunker down, if you can't cope with going out - but you'll gain some self-respect if you carry on as usual.

expatinscotland · 18/11/2015 15:17

YABU. To waste your time with someone who is this addicted to a fucking hobby.

'I've also had the chat with him and he has made it clear he isn't cutting down for the time being, so I have to put up with it tbh.'

No, you are chosing to. I'd use his flat as a crash pad to explore Paris and then ditch him.

You're on to a total loser here.

DinosaursRoar · 18/11/2015 15:17

Is it a sporting hobby? The now DH was a rugby player when we got together in early 20s and yes, you can have a lot of weekends away in the season if they play at a high (for non-professional) level.

I know a lot of people on here have very negative views of doing stuff alone from your DP, but if you don't have DCs, it seems a bit much to move in together then after a few months expect them to give up a hobby which is clearly a big part of their life. (I think if I'd demanded he gave up playing when we first got together, he'd have ended our relationship rather than ended his hobby.)

If you have moved to a new city, then it'll take a time to build a network of your own, for now, could you go back to the Uk to spend the weekend with your friends from home? Or buy in some nice food, a new book and settle down to a quiet one.

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:19

That was my view Dinosaurs - I'm only here a few months and thought it would be unreasonable of me to ask him to give up the hobby.

The hobby isn't something permanent. It's seasonal and age related.

OP posts:

Paintedhandprints · 18/11/2015 15:19

I think it's healthy to have different interests/hobbies. Time apart and time together. As long as it's not a problem for op (who is young, free and childless) then I don't see a problem. Regarding staying in Paris alone, I hand you a grip and maybe some Dutch courage. Don't let the terrorists win op! Statistically speaking, I imagine, Paris is probably the safest city in the world at the moment.

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/11/2015 15:20

He's too busy with his hobby at weekends to see you - unless you can afford to go along.

So you have moved country so that you're around during the week and then kicking your heels when he decides to go away without you?

I am all for people having hobbies, IMO it is healthy to spend time apart as well as together. But if he wants a serious relationship with you, then he has the balance wrong in my view. But listen to him when he tells you who he is. He loves his hobby, then there is you - who make a nice addition, but the hobby comes first.

As a young, single man he could spend as much time on his hobby as he wanted to.

DiscoMoo · 18/11/2015 15:20

I can't think of a hobby that would require so many weekends away!

HPsauciness · 18/11/2015 15:21

Op, I think your issue is with your partner who seems to love his hobby more than anything. It's great you can do it with him, but he obviously is obsessed by it...

One more thing, everyone is saying 'Paris will be safer than ever'. I don't think this is the case! That's what everyone said after Charlie Hebdo, life must carry on and indeed it must, but in terms of it being the worst atrocity, they were tragically wrong. France is dropping bombs on Daesh territory, it's a war, there will be responses. Even today, there have been more raids/suicide bombers active.

I am not saying stay home, everyone who lives in a big city like London or Madrid or Paris or Ankara which has had a terrorist attack in the last few years knows they have to get up and get out there and live their normal lives. But I don't think it helps to imagine that it is now much safer, because 'high risk' is exactly that.

OP, for this weekend, I would go out with your boyfriend while he is still here and stock up on food and DVDs and have a weekend in if it makes you feel better. The issue of him constantly going away will have to be addressed at some point. I wouldn't stop him going, but I would see it as a sign he's not really prioritising you or your feelings.

DuchessDaisy · 18/11/2015 15:21

What is the hobby that has to be done in the UK and not France?

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:22

It would be super identifying to say the hobby, sorry

OP posts:

Alibabsandthe40Musketeers · 18/11/2015 15:26

As long as you see things for what they are, then that's fine. You are his girlfriend and you're staying with him for a while.

Using 'DP' and talking about moving in together made it seem like a committed relationship.

jay55 · 18/11/2015 15:26

I think yanbu to feel that you need a weekend with your loved one after last weekend. I don't think that is letting the bastards win.

DinosaursRoar · 18/11/2015 15:28

So over the year, he'll spend more weekends with you than away, just it's fallen that it's the season for his hobby now, just as you move? And you are only living in Paris with him for a short time too? (is that with your work? a placement with the Paris office/secondment?).

If living together is a tempory thing that suits you, then I can see he would be reluctant to change his life too much (nor to completely share finances if you have just started living together, particularly if there's a large disparity between your incomes and spending habits). I'm of the opinion that there's decades of having to stay in at the weekend looking after DCs and not being able to do stuff (particularly sports that need you to be young and fit, late 30s and a lot of men have to give up hobbies of their youth anyway as they just can't do it anymore).

But I was always keen to have a life of my own away from him, I didn't just sit at home and wait for him to come back. Have you made any friends through work you could invite over?

TheWildRumpyPumpus · 18/11/2015 15:29

The guy is early twenties with no kids, why on earth should he give up his hobby (that presumably OP also enjoys doing sometimes if she met him there)?

Bit harsh to call him a loser or to suggest it's unhealthy in some way to have separate interests. How long have you been together OP? Yes, if you get married, have kids and he's still disappearing every weekend leaving you holding the baby, then it's a problem. You say it's age related though which suggests it isn't something he'll be doing forever.

Have a nice weekend at home, cosy down with films, wine, speak to friends and family on Skype if you can.

DinosaursRoar · 18/11/2015 15:30

oh and can you not afford to come back to the UK this weekend at all? Not to join his hobby as such, but go to see your friends/family?

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