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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to ask my DP to stay in Paris with me?

129 replies

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 14:38

DP and I live in Paris, in an apartment together. He has lived here a few years, I have only just moved in last month. As such, I don't have any close friends here.

He is due to go away this weekend to the UK for a hobby. I feel nervous and worried being in Paris at the moment, and would prefer it if he stayed in Paris with me. We live 5 minutes away from last weeks attacks.

There is no opportunity for me to go to the UK with him, so please don't suggest it!

He was in the UK last weekend for the same hobby whilst the attacks were taking place. I was house bound alone and very scared.

Rationally I know that if something happens it happens, and he can't actually stop it! He would lose his fun weekend, and the travel expenses too. I am only asking him to stay so I can have the extra comfort and support.

WWYD?

OP posts:

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:30

Yes Dinosaurs - that's our view that there is lots of future time to spend together bringing up a family etc (I wouldn't allow so many weekends away if we had children), and that for now we should have the freedom to do as we please mostly.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/11/2015 15:30

Secondary to the hobby... I think if you are thinking that you'd take your chance to live in Paris with a man you like and see a bit of the world, that's great. If you went because you love him desperately and can't bear to be apart and want to marry him and have babies; he's just not that into you. Sorry.

I know in the early days with DH, he would have said, "I don't like the idea of you alone and scared, come with me and I'll pay or I'll stay here". Even though DH was a pretty obsessive martial artist when I met him. He would never leave me somewhere less safe than him unless I chose it. Equally I wouldn't demand he stayed, I wouldn't have to.

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:32

rumpypumpus we have been together 18 months

OP posts:

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 15:32

Terry - it's both. I came to spend time with him, and also to see Paris. I do want to get married and have kids with him, but not for years and years yet...

OP posts:

Seriouslyffs · 18/11/2015 15:34

Selfloathing
Honestly grow up. Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's true. How would you manage if you were single?
Well I she was single she'd probably not be in a City that happens to feel very frightening at the moment, with no support network, a coming and going boyfriend and traumatised from last weekend.
What an idiotic response.

Seriouslyffs · 18/11/2015 15:37

hannah if you were my daughter is be advising you to get out and party in Lovely Paris and snog and the rest some yummy new man. He's treating you very badly.

Stimpack · 18/11/2015 15:38

How is the OP being treated badly? She knew about the hobby FFS!

Or are men not allowed hobbies?

KeepOnMoving1 · 18/11/2015 15:40

MagicalMrsMistoffelees I know!

MummaGiles · 18/11/2015 15:42

I would let him go and also actively encourage you to get out and about. I completely understand your apprehension but you mustn't let this rule your life. Paris will be incredibly safe at the moment. Make yourself go out somewhere, even if it is somewhere local to get some milk or bread, each day he is away. Try and do something fun! It must be awful for something like this to happen when you have only just moved there - you need to start building positive experiences and relationships with the city so the attacks aren't the first thing you associate with your new home.

Gottagetmoving · 18/11/2015 15:45

Well I she was single she'd probably not be in a City that happens to feel very frightening at the moment, with no support network, a coming and going boyfriend and traumatised from last weekend. confused What an idiotic response

The response from Selfloathing you are talking about was not idiotic at all! It was blunt but realistic.
If you are big enough to move to Paris you are big enough to spend a weekend alone.
Traumatised?? Really? OP was not involved in the tragedy that happened, she was safe. People really do need to get a grip!

LittleLionMansMummy · 18/11/2015 15:47

Totally understand your nervousness op. However much we try to think rationally about these things, what happened last weekend in Paris feels too close even for most of the UK's population, so I can only imagine how Paris's residents feel. I felt a little more nervous travelling to London yesterday as in all likelihood it'll be London or another big European city next time around. But as others have said, we can't live in the shadow of fear and stop doing the things we would normally. Nor should we expect others to do so. So unfortunately I do think yabu.

expatinscotland · 18/11/2015 15:51

Oh, okay, you're pretty casual. I read 'DP' and that you'd moved in with him rather than just crashing at his for a few months.

YABU.

I'd get out and enjoy the city.

GruntledOne · 18/11/2015 15:56

Sorry, Seriouslyffs, yours is the idiotic response. Self-evidently the original question about "what if she was single" referred generically to single people, including those living in Paris. And, sadly, how do you know that if OP were not in Paris she would be feeling safe and secure somewhere else? What if wherever she comes from is the next target?

iPaid · 18/11/2015 16:01

YANBU - it must have been traumatic for you to be so close to the terrorist attacks. I'm surprised your boyfriend is even contemplating leaving you this weekend. Not because you're some little woman needing male protection but because you're feeling vulnerable in a new city after a night of bombs and massacres. This isn't a time for bravado about not letting the bastards win (I hate that trite phrase) but looking out for each other and letting time help you relax and feel comfortable in Paris.

AcrossthePond55 · 18/11/2015 16:03

What's with the 'hating' on the hobby? My DH (we've been married almost 30 years now) has a hobby (actually a sport) that, when he was younger, he participated in almost every weekend from April - Sept, plus one weekend in January. He was usually home Saturday evening and we went out but occasionally he was gone overnight. I used to semi-enjoy watching, but had zero interest in participating. It didn't bother me a jot and I never felt I was 'neglected' or 'second best'. Why? Because I had a life. I went out with friends, went to the movies, had my own hobby, and often just 'vegged' out when he was gone.

We managed to marry, raise two children, and are now retired with him participating in this sport. When the children were young, and as he's gotten older, the time spent has decreased but he still participates. It still doesn't bother me. Maybe we've just been lucky that neither of us minded putting the family first so there wasn't a feeling of one of us being 'stuck' at home.

OP, let him go. As others have said, stock up on yummy goodies and some books and mags and stay in if you feel more comfortable. Or live your life and go out and enjoy beautiful Paris.

expatinscotland · 18/11/2015 16:05

'This isn't a time for bravado about not letting the bastards win (I hate that trite phrase) but looking out for each other and letting time help you relax and feel comfortable in Paris.'

Oh, please, don't be such a drama llama. People have to live and work there. Life has to carry on. Loads of people were 'near' the areas where this happened.

She chose to go there and knew he was away with the hobby often.

It's Paris not fucking Basra.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/11/2015 16:08

Whatever the view on the hobby, as you've presumably agreed that already...

YWBU to ask him to stay this weekend. Paris is one of the safest cities, at the moment, and France in general is on alert. It's also an exceptionally friendly place.

I would go and explore it on my own, enjoy Paris, have lunch somewhere lovely. You could stock up on magazines and food and books and have the weekend at home relaxing, if you'd prefer. It's up to you, but you'd be unreasonable to ask him to stay with you when you've agreed that he can go - he'd be annoyed that he was missing out, and potentially risk the annoyance of team members for dropping out at the last minute, and you'd feel guilty that you'd stopped him from going.

FellOffMyUnicorn · 18/11/2015 16:09

OP knew the setup before she went, maybe she doesnt want him around all the time either. this is not the 1920s when she cant go out on her own, she can pop out to places, and have friends to visit!

and he's been away from her 3 out of 10 (because 4 she went with him)

RE this weekend? I would probably be nervous, but dont you let the bastards win!!

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/11/2015 16:10

While I understand why you feel unsettled, I don't think it's rational to ask him not to go. Not unreasonable exactly, because you feel what you feel. But I think you'll have a better life in the long run if you can be a bit more independent and resourceful, rather than expecting someone to give up a planned trip that you knew about for no tangible gain.

CoralieConfused · 18/11/2015 16:13

I hate when we don't get told what the hobby is

CoralieConfused · 18/11/2015 16:14

Like...how identifying can it possibly be, how niche?

DinosaursRoar · 18/11/2015 16:17

Expat - I think I love you for "It's Paris not fucking Basra."

OP, many of us might seem to be a bit harder, perhaps its those of us who are mid-late 30s (or older) grew up with IRA bombings and terrorism being something you sort of expected in major cities. I'm sure I'm not the only one who was living and working in London at the 7/7 attacks and just had to get back onto public transport the following morning to be back in work (the 7/7 attack was on a Thursday morning, everyone was expected back in my office on the Friday).

I can see why you wouldn't want to be out and about doing touristy things this weekend, but you'll be fine to be there in the weekend on your own, have you been able to go to work this week?

Original poster

hannah0030 · 18/11/2015 16:18

No, work has been cancelled. Maybe that's why I feel a bit meh!

OP posts:

iPaid · 18/11/2015 16:19

It's not a game, you know expat, of which city has the most terrorist activity. 129 were murdered, 100 more critically injured - if people nearby feel it's a time for reflection or they feel vulnerable then it's not being a drama llama to understand that.

At the 7/7 services this year a young woman who had been caught up in the tube bombings said she was sick of people saying Britain would not be broken; because a lot of people had been broken and that should be acknowledged.

MrsTerryPratchett · 18/11/2015 16:20

My Mum hitchhiked to Paris to see my Dad during the 1968 riots when there were tanks on the streets. She's pretty hardcore though.

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