To feel let down and hurt re in-laws attitude to new baby. LONG!

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the epic post.

Our son is four weeks old. He was born by cat1 emergency section after which I spent 3 hours in theatre, 24 hours in intensive care and 12 days in hospital being pretty ill. He, thankfully, is completely fine. I'm home but still need a lot of help and find caring for him on my own (practical stuff like lifting him) quite hard. My partner has done most of the baby care single handed since day 1 and also has to help me with things like walking, showering, dressing, injections etc.

5 months before the baby was born my partner and I moved back to where he grew up. We don't really know anyone here except his parents (his mother and her wife of 18 years, his stepmother). It's a long way from any of my family but was planned and looked forward to for a long time. We've always got on well. They were super excited about their grandchild and thrilled that we wanted to be near them to raise him. There was lots of talk about how involved they would be, what renovations they would make to the house to make it more baby friendly (all unnecessary but they were excited), what it would be like to have one of their children just down the road again etc.

They have a lot of caring responsibilities for a total of 4 very old and infirm relatives, which is pretty hard work. They spend a fair bit of time doing their shopping, cleaning their houses, taking them to appointments etc. They also refuse to get help with this but complain a lot. One of them works 2 days a week, the other not at all.

Since our son was born I've been really upset by their attitude. They didn't come and see us much in hospital, despite it only being 20 mins away, and when they did they made a big song and dance about how hard it was to fit into their day. We asked them for a lift home from hospital when we were discharged, only to wait all day for them to get around to helping us because they had other things to do first and we ended up getting a taxi. We didn't see or hear from the for days after we got home. When we finally called and asked for a bit of help and support, we got it but it was like we were another thing on their list of things to do.

That help has tapered off again and we've not seen or heard from them for nearly a week. My partner is going back to work tomorrow (finances dictate he has to, even though I'm not really ready) and I'm dreading how I'll cope on my own. He called his mum to ask if she would pop in for a cuppa and see how we're getting on. She said she would on this occasion, but that they've decided certain days of the week will be their 'days off' from helping people so normally they wouldn't. Luckilly for me she saw fit to swap her 'day off' this week so she could visit me and her new grandson.

I realise they've got a lot to do, but I feel so angry and upset that seeing me and their grandchild is another task to be completed and not something they actually want to do. It makes me feel guilty for asking for help. I feel really cheated that we uprooted our lives to be here and none of their talk has materialised into action when it matters. My feelings are so strong that I don't really want to see them at the moment, and find it hard to see how we will all go on to have a happy healthy relationship. The truth is though that we really need their support.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to expect them to be more helpful and willing? I've been so ill, down and hormonal I can't see the wood for the trees any more. How can I get passed this and forgive them when I feel so angry and let down?

No one is really bashing you though. I feel like you've gotten a lot of supportive comments and understanding remarks.

I do think you are coming across as selfish in these comments though. Your own experience of being ill and exhausted and being a carer (for 1 month!) hasn't inspired any sympathy or softness towards your inlaws and their continual (endlessly) draining role as a carers.

Your baby will be the light of your life, laughing, growing and learning. That is balanced by the caring and stress they create. Caring for older people ends in death. It's uncertain, depressing and exhausting. Patients are ill, often unhappy and confused, sometimes violent and their bodies and minds may be failing.

You say: Maybe I'm naive but I'd expect family to rally round at a time like this, not back off. I would do so for them.

But family has. Your parents, husband and sister are here to support you.

Have any of you rallied round them? Have you supported them? Have you offered to lighten their load? No, instead you imply that they are martyrs who enjoy feeling useful yet hold a grudge against them for not taxing you around and doing your shopping.

OP, you do have my sympathies.

My family live a day's flying time away; DH's parents are in this country (though not nearby - about a 3 hour drive). When DS2 was born recently, my mother offered to fly out here to be around for the birth to help and crucially to make sure we had childcare for DS1 (we declined but were very grateful for the thought). My in laws made it clear they weren't in providing any support or visiting. This is not unusual - they want a relationship (and complain about not seton us enough) but only on their terms and at their convenience.

Funnily enough, I will never, ever countenance moving near to them, even though I'm sure they'd be more present in our lives if we were around the corner. We're much more likely to move to the other side of the world, where the family support is real.

Your in laws are treating stopping by for a cuppa as an imposition. Which is really off, frankly, when they pushed for you to move close to them. Ultimately adult relationships are a two way street.

How did your first day without dh go op?

I remember being in your position when dd was born and feeling a little like you currently do towards my parents and later on towards my in laws who'd all promised to 'help'.

I had a straight forward elective c section with a very smooth recovery. So smooth in fact I was discharged from hospital two days earlier than any of us expected which in itself caused problems. Dh's paternity leave wasn't booked until we'd expected me to come home and was impossable to change with the few hours notice he'd have been able to give when it was decided dd and I were well enough to go home. So it meant that he had one evening shift and one early morning shift to complete before he could be at home to support me. My dad was also recovering from major surgery and actually quite poorly despite having been home for a couple of weeks, much like yourself. My mum had had her hours drastically cut at work the month before and had taken on 3 new jobs to make up for the money she'd lost, one as a carrer for a friend, a night shift shelf stacking and a demanding admin job. So despite the best of intentions from us all my fisrt evening home with dd consisted of us alone for the longest 3 hours of my life with my dad down the road, able to get in a taxi if I desperatly needed help. And the same again the following morning.

While I was pregnant, before mum loosing hours at work (and almost her job) and dad suddenly needing major surgery and a long hospital stay, lots of plans for them helping us were made. They'd both been in good health at the time with flexable jobs and had saved leave for that year to be avalable to support us. My mum was going to take a few blocks of time off to help when I first came home and when dh went to work. But when the time I needed that support dad was too ill to do more than be on the end of the phone and mum had used up all her leave to care for him when he got home a month post surgery and now had inflexable jobs she had to go to keep a roof over their heads. I knew the situation all to well, but I still felt like I'd been lied to and abandonded at the time.

Mum did help as best she was able for a long time, doing washing, dropping in hot food, but I was just another task to be ticked off her list as she rushed around trying to get everything done. I can remember my second day home the frustration I felt waiting for her to come and help me remove the reminants of sticky dressing and not having the help avalable when I wanted to do it.

I hated seeing mum in particular, quite enjoyed seeing dad when he was able as he did what a grandparent should do, coo over the new baby. I throught it meant she'd never have a close bond with dd. I was wrong and once I was more physically able and in a less sleep deprived state I stopped feeling that way. And by the time dd was 6 months old they were a massive part of her life and still are despite their hetic lives.

My in laws also promised lots of help with future grandchildren. Mil was going to enable me to work. When we started to look for family friendly rentals there was lots of presure for us to move to the cut of housing estate mil and gmil live in. Thank goodness we never found an afordable property in that area. I'd have been completely cut off in those new born days as none of the promised support came forward. Mil is still full of lots of promises to baby sit (on her terms) which has never happened because it is impossable to get dd out to her then get back out to where I need to be. When dd was a couple of months old we asked her to look after dd at our house so I could pack away things in preperation for a builder coming in the fix water damage. Mil would only take her if I dropped her out to her and picked her up when she was avaliable, an hour and a half round trip on public transport and not possiable with a small baby who went at most two hours between day time feeds. Same still happens now if we ask if she'd like to have dd, she needs to be dropped off and collected when mil says it's convient which would mean going well out of our way when we have things like hospital appointments (recently asked with 8 weeks notice for 20 week scan and got told we could onlt drop her in 10 mins before we needed to get to the hospital an hour away from mil's house). So while mil has never baby sat we still do ask as she'd be offended not to be. I know that help won't be forth coming so don't feel hurt like I used to. But the difference being now I've developed a network of friends locally who I can rely on to help out when I need it.

The early days are hard, when you're unwell and feeling let down. But I wanted to say it does get eaiser even if that seems like an impossability now. You'll recover and be able to get out and about, hopefully meet other mums with small babies and develop a more reliable support network that wouldn't think twice about making themselves avaliable if you ever find yourself in such difficult surcumstances again.

I'm currently pregnant with dc2 after a mc, have had terriable morning sickness, been more exhausted than I've ever been in my life and have still coped better than the comparably much easier days with dd as a new born. I've known realistically with out an hormonal haze what help particular family members can give, have had other mums I'm friends with take dd to the park or out for the afternoon. I've been better at being kinder to myself, taking a bus or taxi instead of walking to get to groups or somewhere that makes me feel better. And asking people to come to me when I need the day breaking up and haven't been able to go out.

I hope you've found today a lot eaiser than you expected and that tomorrow makes you feel more confident even if you still need help showering etc, timed to when dh is around. On a practical note if you feel up to being out just unable to get anywhere please look into what a taxi would cost you back and forth to a toddler and baby group or coffee morning, well awear if you're that rural it may be unaffordable.

My God some of the responses! No sympathy whatsoever! Man really is full of some nasty people

Sorry MN

You're not selfish OP. I rely on my parents massively for help with my children. They enjoy it, for the most part, but I still feel guilty sometimes.

I just think your ILs were in the wrong to promise you help that they weren't prepared to give, bearing in mind their responsibilities.

I hope you manage to find yourself a support network that doesn't involve them.

I'm also shocked by some of the harsh responses. If you had missed the baby bit out and said you were 2 weeks post discharge from hospital following life threatening emergency surgery and an intensive care stay, alone for hours a day in rural new area not well enough to drive posts would have been more sympathetic.

Hope more of your family can visit/stay.

I will also second getting a midwife de brief at some point, my DD was over 1 when I discovered this and it helped. The PTSD flashbacks stopped after 5 ish years.

Hearth, I am so pleased your sister is coming.

You have been let down. You haven't taken it for granted that your ILs would help - they pro-actively promised you. Odd.

I wonder if your DH should have a word with his Mum about it and find out what is at the bottom of it. Not in an accusing way, but just to say 'Mum, you sounded so keen, but you haven't seen Hearth and the baby much at all, is there an problem?'.

You are not self absorbed at all OP - AIBU brings out the jackals in a few people.

I would move back to my family and friends and create a support network around me (pretty quick IMO). Much that I would love my in-laws and be around them, No.I'd have to put my own family first as baby is so needy and be around people that could really support me in these vulnerable and needy months.

The funny thing about messy births is that they do make you feel very vulnerable and that you need support, but in reality, that feeling does wear off over time as you start to feel better. I have never been in the same country as family with any of my three births (they were all born in different countries) and all three of them were taxing in some way - I am shit at childbirth - I had a c section with the first, and went through the same things you are with being isolated and not able to drive until 6 weeks, then dc1 clawed his way out back to back and left me with considerable damage which required putting me back together and extended hospital stay, and then dc3 was brain damaged at birth and couldn't leave scbu. it is a huge thing to deal with on your own, and you do feel very vulnerable when dh goes back to work, with no one around to help.
But you will be fine op. You really will. Once you are back to driving and start to access baby groups, and the fear and horror subsides with everyday life, and you build some links with other young families in your community, you will get your strength back.

Op I really feel for you. I think your in laws sound mean and like complete bloody martyrs. Perhaps they've been looking after people for so long that anyone unwell falls into the chores category, but that's really no excuse. Lots of women on mn have difficulty keeping their in laws out of hospital, not getting in at huff about visiting.

I'm sorry they've been such a let down, but hopefully being in a nice area means that when you're a bit more mobile you and ds will have a great time getting out and about. Meanwhile, your sister sounds ace, enjoy her visit and forget about the rest.

Mean and like complete bloody martyrs?
For God's bloody sake, they look after four old and infirm people.
These are real people by the way, not 'oldies'.

However they should have spelled out the extent of their responsibilities before you moved here. I can see how it happened - they were probably looking forward to having children and joy in their lives - but they should have made it clear beforehand that they couldn't/wouldn't take on another caring role.

Really though, it's 4wks & the GPs haven't visited or phoned as much as OP would like.

But she has had her husband with her!

She's only asked to be collected from hospital & for some shopping.

Maybe they thought that her husband should do that & agreed even though it wasn't really convenient.

Thay was wrong & they should say no if they can't, especially if they aren't the last resort!
(If that was the case, of course).

But thatmight have put them off being too available.

Have they been round for the cup of tea yet?
How did it go?

You do sound vulnerable and upset, Hearth, as is hardly surprising after what you have been through. You might also be getting a touch of post baby blues. Don't cut off your nose to spite your face when they do come round. Let them spend lots of time with your baby but it's also OK to tell them how fragile you feel.

There is SO much these days about parents and MILs backing off when a baby is born, they might have read some of it.

How did yesterday go, now that your DH has gone back to work?

Christ, I had a relatively uncomplicated birth with DS2, fairly quick recovery, live in an urban area so everything within a walk and no restrictions on driving.

Still none of the very lovely people who've come to visit have failed to ask whether I need anything from the shops, do I feel like a proper coffee from a nice cafe, whatever. Thoughtful things that people who care about each other do for each other when there's a new baby or illness (or in OP's case, both).

It's not exactly an extraordinary act.

I don't think the in laws are necessarily dreadful people - they probably aren't - but I tend to think that you find out who in your life is worthwhile to your own life, and who you can count on, when you are ill, vulnerable or when you have been through a traumatic experience. The OP's experience certainly qualifies.

OP now knows that her in laws aren't interested in providing even minor support (drop in for a cup of tea to break up the monotony for a new mother who nearly died a couple of weeks back, and whose physical recovery will almost certainly be longer than most). That's a valuable thing for OP to know. It doesn't make the in laws bad people, it just makes them people she can't count on for support in her life that isn't on their terms. Which is a real pity given that OP and her DH moved quite some distance to be near them, partly on the promise of involvement in each others lives.

OP, I hope you're doing ok. One of my closest friends had a very traumatic birth with her youngest and it took her ages to recover emotionally, partly because everyone expected her to be fine and just grateful that the baby was fine and healthy. Give yourself space and try to get support to process what happened and why. Don't let people tell you that the baby's healthy, 'and that's what matters.' Your physical and mental health matter too.

OP,

You are not selfish. You're having a rough time and I think it's quite normal to expect family to be concerned and (at least try to) help out.

a 4 week old and recovery from a section is no small feat. Well done. Keep going and I hope you get the help you deserve.

Thanks for all your helpful comments and support.

First day at home was terrible to be honest. DS has an awful cold and wouldn't let me put him down for 24 hours, cried like I've never heard him cry before and sounded like he was struggling for breath. I'm afraid when DP did get home I begged him not to go to work again today. His boss was really kind and, despite only asking for a day, has given him another week off. It might be delaying the inevitable but at least I won't have an ill baby the first time I have to do a week on my own.

DS's Mum came round today and was an absolute godsend. She was really kind a reassuring, and looked after the baby for a couple of hours so we could get some sleep. I think she enjoyed having him to herself for a little while. When she is here she's great. I think I was just feeling a bit abandoned and over emotional. I feel mean for speaking ill of her.

I was a bit upset by some of the comments on here (oversensitive, I know) and mentioned it to DP. He read through the thread and agreed with some of it, as do I. He also pointed out that I perhaps hadn't given the full picture of my medical state. I lost nearly 4 litres of blood in theatre and as a result have blood chemistry that's completely out of whack and making me feel terrible. I didn't eat for 5 days (surgical complication) and became malnurished, which I'm still recovering from. I had a massive build up of fluid in my abdomen and had a drain inserted in my side and a bag attached that I have to carry around and empty hourly. I have an open wound on part of my section scar which is sore and has to be cleaned and dressed every day. Due to some weird gyno phenomena that's got all the Drs baffled I now leak large amounts of fluid vaginally (tmi), all day and all night. I have to wear large incontenance pads and have plastic sheets on every surface I sit on. I have been referred to a CPN, diagnosed with PTSD and prescribed tablets that, initially, are making me vomit. Each of these things make it a little bit harder to look after a baby and get out and about. Not that it changes how much free time the ILs have to help, but the recovery is a bit more complicated than your regular c-section.

Anyway. I do appreciate the input, even those who aren't necessarilly saying what I want to hear. It's all helpful.

Sympathy, OP. what you have been through and are still going through sounds extremely hard. I hope things improve soon.

Crikey, that paints a different picture.You definitely need your DH at home.maybe the best way your PILs can help out is financially so that you are not worried about money and your DH can stay off.

There's having it rough and then there's having it like you have! Poor you, hearthattack, that sounds horrific.

I can't understand the opinion many people are taking here. The OP didn't make assumptions, they clearly said many times how much they were looking forward to being hands on grandparents. When they said this they very well knew their other caring commitments which have been ongoing for a while so the OP is not being inconsiderate. They were either 1. only being polite terrible way to be polite 2. not thinking through it at all or 3.meant it at a much lower level than it sounded and were frightened off by the OPs health (and caring implications of this). A hospital visit seems a minimum to me in two weeks, I would have expected a visit if in hospital for 3 days (and received one because everyone I know has the same expectations) Sympathies, OP, I have a 5 month old and as someone who prefers to be left alone, was shocked at how hard the first 6-8 weeks were, not because of the baby but because of my health as I recovered from the birth. You just need to reassess what you expected from these guys and do without them I'm afraid, best of luck for recovering. How did it go without your DP?

You sound like you've been through a terrible ordeal, OP. You are clearly terribly ill and struggling.

Yet, I still can't help feeling a bit sorry for your in-laws. Just like you, in their mind, they may have not expected you to be so ill and may even be slightly traumatized by it, given their other caring responsibilities.

You've reacted strongly against any comments that you perceive to criticize you but are happy for posters to call them dreadful and awful, despite the fact they have helped you and are continuing to help you. They may not have behaved perfectly but demonizing them is hardly fair. However, if you are determined to do it (with the help of other mumsnet posters) then no one can stop you.

Good luck.

Really shocked at how critical some of the posts on this thread have been. The OP made it clear from the outset that she'd had a dreadful time and was in for a slow recovery. Of course she needs support and it wasn't at all unreasonable for her to have expected it, especially given the assurances the ILs originally offered. Their other caring responsibilities a) were a known quantity before any of this happened, b) don't seem that onerous if three of the four people they support have paid or residential care anyway, and c) are a completely different matter from the precipitous but temporary state of affairs in which she finds herself. They are local and she has been at death's door, ffs. I really can't account for their behaviour, and certainly can't think of anything that excuses it.

People can be so disappointing. I guess you just have to chalk it up to experience and be glad you at least know now who you can and can't rely on in a crisis, OP. Thank god your DH's employer is being understanding and great that your sister is poised to help too.

I also have to say I think the post-discharge care of new mothers in this country is not what it should be, even for those who have had a far less traumatic time medically. Most women are pretty much cast adrift after they come home with a newborn, and if you lack support and/or confidence, and especially if you are in bad shape physically, it can be a pretty miserable time. If you could put a numerical value on the fallout from isolation, PND, bonding issues, breastfeeding problems, etc etc, I think it would probably transpire to be more cost effective to support new mums better in the first place.

Congratulations on the birth of your son, OP. I hope you start to feel more like yourself soon.

please everyone read OP's latest post, where she has just said that the grandmother some people have been so nasty about was 'a godsend' yesterday, as well as explaining why she has been struggling so very much. So sorry things have been so tough for you, hearthattack, and hope you start to turn the corner medically soon.

Apple, you may have missed this bit of OP's latest post:

I feel mean for speaking ill of her.

I'm unclear how that's 'demonisation'....