To feel let down and hurt re in-laws attitude to new baby. LONG!

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the epic post.

Our son is four weeks old. He was born by cat1 emergency section after which I spent 3 hours in theatre, 24 hours in intensive care and 12 days in hospital being pretty ill. He, thankfully, is completely fine. I'm home but still need a lot of help and find caring for him on my own (practical stuff like lifting him) quite hard. My partner has done most of the baby care single handed since day 1 and also has to help me with things like walking, showering, dressing, injections etc.

5 months before the baby was born my partner and I moved back to where he grew up. We don't really know anyone here except his parents (his mother and her wife of 18 years, his stepmother). It's a long way from any of my family but was planned and looked forward to for a long time. We've always got on well. They were super excited about their grandchild and thrilled that we wanted to be near them to raise him. There was lots of talk about how involved they would be, what renovations they would make to the house to make it more baby friendly (all unnecessary but they were excited), what it would be like to have one of their children just down the road again etc.

They have a lot of caring responsibilities for a total of 4 very old and infirm relatives, which is pretty hard work. They spend a fair bit of time doing their shopping, cleaning their houses, taking them to appointments etc. They also refuse to get help with this but complain a lot. One of them works 2 days a week, the other not at all.

Since our son was born I've been really upset by their attitude. They didn't come and see us much in hospital, despite it only being 20 mins away, and when they did they made a big song and dance about how hard it was to fit into their day. We asked them for a lift home from hospital when we were discharged, only to wait all day for them to get around to helping us because they had other things to do first and we ended up getting a taxi. We didn't see or hear from the for days after we got home. When we finally called and asked for a bit of help and support, we got it but it was like we were another thing on their list of things to do.

That help has tapered off again and we've not seen or heard from them for nearly a week. My partner is going back to work tomorrow (finances dictate he has to, even though I'm not really ready) and I'm dreading how I'll cope on my own. He called his mum to ask if she would pop in for a cuppa and see how we're getting on. She said she would on this occasion, but that they've decided certain days of the week will be their 'days off' from helping people so normally they wouldn't. Luckilly for me she saw fit to swap her 'day off' this week so she could visit me and her new grandson.

I realise they've got a lot to do, but I feel so angry and upset that seeing me and their grandchild is another task to be completed and not something they actually want to do. It makes me feel guilty for asking for help. I feel really cheated that we uprooted our lives to be here and none of their talk has materialised into action when it matters. My feelings are so strong that I don't really want to see them at the moment, and find it hard to see how we will all go on to have a happy healthy relationship. The truth is though that we really need their support.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to expect them to be more helpful and willing? I've been so ill, down and hormonal I can't see the wood for the trees any more. How can I get passed this and forgive them when I feel so angry and let down?

This sounds so tough OP, hopefully you are starting to feel a bit better now.
I would be upset in your position especially if you've moved away from your own support network.
I went through a similar experience when I had dd- my sil and mil were so excited all the way through the pregnancy when dd arrived after a quick first couple of visits they'd lost interest. My mil has never once offered to look after dd (now nearly 3) even though she has sil DCs every other weekend. When dd was a few weeks old my dh had to take me to hosp we literally had no one else to look after dd (my family and friends help us loads but it was a time my family on hols and others at work) we begged mil to look after dd for an hour which she did but huffed and puffed about it- never again!
Its been a big letdown and can see for you even more so because of the move. If your oh is about to chat to them maybe?

Great that your sister will be coming soon.

Tbh it sounds as if everyone has got over excited & conveniently glossed overthe reality of what the ILs actually do.

How did anyone think that they were magically going to do less for the older rellies, not necessarily help you out as that couldn't have been foreseen, but to actually just have time to be GPs?

When you were planning to move near them, no one would have expected you to need the sort of help you now need. I think they are scared of taking on yet another caring obligation - as opposed to occasional babysitting and fun-times. That's why they've drawn a line in the sand about having days off from caring duties.
agree with Thyme on this. and from your OP I understand they live 20 mins away (by car I assume) so not exactly close at hand to drop in when needed particularly in view of their other commitments.

You have great advice here. I hope that others are right and that they will be able to be more involved when you child is older .

However I realise that isn't much help this week ! you need to keep your expectations of yourself low . It's a Ft job to look after a newborn , let alone when you've been so poorly. Don't try to do any housework at all when your DH is at work , just get yourself and the baby washed dressed and fed . That's all .

Most single adults manage to do all the housework , shopping, cooking and laundry by themselves in the evenings and weekends , so your DH will be able to do it just fine until you are fully recovered .

diddl, they told us they'd have time to be GPs and we, perhaps naively, believed them. Maybe we didn't realise the extent of the oldies' needs.

That said, just to be clear two sets of relatives do have paid, private carers that go in twice a day and do personal care, meal times etc. The third is in full residential care. Not to diminish what the in-laws do, but they don' t have sole responsibility.

I'm just exhausted after everything that's happened, and perhaps a bit bitter. I'm sure given time and perspective I'll get over it.

Having a new baby is a huge shock to the system. I had an emergency c section with my first baby and it still hurts now how unhelpful my own mother was! And she had no caring responsibilities like your in laws. I've had no help from my family although they helped my sister and her children loads. It does hurt, but hopefully you will find new means of support. I joined a nct coffee group and made lifelong friends that way. It will get easier. However, I do feel for your in laws too, as it is very hard caring for elderly dependants. How old are you btw?

32

They don't sound that reliable considering that they didn't manage to fetch you from hospital after saying that they would!

It is possible that they don't want to get drawn into caring for or doing housework for someone else.

I suppose only time will tell.

Even if it doesn't work quite as you had hoped, it sounds a lovely area, you didn't want to move to where your parents are & you wanted to be out of London, so the move will still have been the thing to do.

I think some grandparents can be a bit like some fathers parents. They have a rose tinted view of parenthood / grandparenthood that's about fun days out , holding a beautifully dressed , clean, sleeping newborn , watching your child score the winning goal in the school football match , taking them to see Father Christmas, attending school concerts and sitting them on your knee reading fairy stories.

So they can be a bit shocked when the reality hits - the sheer boredom of caring 24/7, 365 days a year for a small person who won't even let you take a pee without screaming at you, the vast amount of child related housework and general mess, the trials of combining work and family and the stresses of illness or disability .

It's only 100% fun if you do it like Lady Mary in downton abbey and have someone else do all of the drudgery for you, leaving you the fun bits . In fact , maybe that is what being a Gp is . But it's not being a parent < please take note DH>

in my experience, even with carers coming in, the demands on family can be huge in caring for frail elderly people.
My mum's view of grand-parenting was as kr1stina describes. She would often ask me for stories of what they'd done so she could tell her friends, but she didn't want to help me in any way. She never babysat for me or changed a nappy! It did make me sad, because the reality was so far from my expectations, and I could see my friends parents helping them. My mother in law has been a much more hands on grandparent despite living further away.

I would definitely feel a bit miffed by the lack of contact and help especially as so much appears to have been promised. I'm not backward in coming forward when I feel things need to be said so I wouldn't be hiding my feelings from them about their lack of short term support.
Yes, caring for elderly parents is undeniably tough but there are two of them to share the load. The argument that they already have a lot to contend with as carers doesn't wash with me I'm afraid - as women they can't be unaware of the fact that you had a far from normal delivery and have no family from your side close-by to help out now you have moved to be closer to them.
That said, I am not sure what sort of help you are expecting them to provide but I don't think you are being unreasonable in thinking that they could be a bit more forthcoming. Other posters have made some good suggestions about how you can help yourself a little but it seems a pity that DHs mum especially can't see her way to spending some time with her new grandson and giving you a helping hand.

on a practical note - there are a lot of horrible virus's doing the rounds at the moment. Maybe some of their elderly charges (or them themselves) have been unwell and they are feeling tired and run down?

It's really hard in those first few weeks of parenthood, and with your little one having such a difficult entry into the world - you are going to be feeling pretty awful - but it will get better!

Have a look for a post-natal group - having other mums to chat to would really help. Maybe there are more practical things your in-laws can help with? Organising your freezer so you have food readily available. You are going to feel like they are fitting you in because it sounds like they are! But that isn't bad thing - and once you establish a routine of sorts it will probably become easier.

Hope you feel better soon.

Your baby is only 4 weeks old, and you say your DH has only just gone back to work, so I'm guessing they thought that given he was home, you wouldn't need their help and would appreciate some time as a family.

What is it you are hoping they will do for you? And have you actually asked for help or are you waiting for them to offer?

I appreciate having your first baby can be overwhelming and recovery from a crash cs can be hard, but I think you need to cut them a little slack! My DD2 is 5 months old and my own parents,who live a 5 min walk from us have only seen her a handful of times, my ILs the same and to be honest that's enough for me, but if you want more you are probably going to have to explicitly ask for this rather than just wait and hope it happens.

I'm sure as you get more mobile and can do more things for yourself you'll start feeling a lot better about things and will find that actually, you need very little help from others, babies are pretty easy going

congratulations on your little bundle OP, enjoy every moment, it really does fly by

The two sets of relatives who have visiting carers will need cleaning, shopping, house maintenance, hospital/GP/dentist visits, phone-calls to the care agency to sort out problems, financial management, even fripperies like hairdressing to arrange.

Visiting carers do the bare minimum - just personal care and meals.

Even the relative in residential care will need regular visits, financial management, and yet more phone calls to keep the show on the road.

I just had one elderly relative with visiting carers and my stomach sinks just thinking about being responsible for 4. It really is quite feasible that they don't have the time just to drop in to break up your day.

Look - you're tired and under par, still stressed from your birth experience. Things will get better. But try not to let your disappointment, based on unrealistic expectations, colour your feelings and poison your future relationship, and that of your ds, with the gp's. They will probably relax a bit when they can see you're not, in fact, another item on their 'to do' list.

Here are the things I expected from them.

1. a few visits in the hospital when we were there for nearly two weeks without a huffy bout of complaining that they had to come.
2. a phone call every few days to have a chat and see how we are
3. a few visits where they cuddle the baby and make a cup of tea.

They do live 20 mins away, but that's not far around here (very rural) and we live on the road to the main town so they pass our house regularly.

I guess I need to reset my expectations. Lesson learned.

I would say that for 1, maybe they thought better to leave you to rest & that your husband visiting would be enough.

2&3, doesn't sound too much, but do they know that you would llike it?

They are perhaps trying to give you space.

Bear in mind that your husband has been around until now & your baby is only four wks!

Thank goodness you like the area! I'm sure that will help you a lot in getting back from this trauma. The bit about not working such long hours could be key for your social life, too: there will be people around, and a mix of WOHPs and SAHPs, too (I live in a commuter town, and the "dormitory" effect really does leach dynamism from a community. Not because SAHPs are boring and the people with jobs are the only ones worth talking to, but because of the way that the long-hours parents are there-and-not-there, meaning the community only has a part-life, and families disappear from "social" life at weekends).

Your ILs will possibly end up as outer-circle life, which could be better than resentment-at-close-quarters.

Do pull them up on any "huffy bout of complaining that they had to come". They have to learn that that is bloody rude and will alienate you further.

I mean this in the nicest possible way OP, but you really,really need to lower your expectations! a few visits in hospital?!

The thing is, your DS is endlessly fascinating to you and rightly so, but babies are just not that interesting to other people and your DP was with you so you weren't alone.

I would think that given their,frankly, overwhelming amount of caring responsibilities, a visit of either them to you or you to them twice a month would be reasonable, then anything more a bonus. Don't forget you'll be driving in a couple of weeks so you'll be less isolated.

When you say a few visits to cuddle the baby, a few visits a month? a week?!

Your baby is one month old, I think you need to give them a chance!!

It does sound rather as if you were/are expecting them to drop everything & be available as & when you wanted.

Perhaps they gave the impression that that's the way it would be.

Had it happened, you might have found it too much tbh.

I'm unsure as to whether you really want to see them or want them to do stuff for you.

I'm unsure as to whether you really want to see them or want them to do stuff for you I agree, this isn't clear to me either.

Have you had a chance to talk through your delivery with a MW or doctor? Even a straightforward delivery can leave women feeling traumatised and needing to revisit and explore what happened and why, I imagine that your experience is likely to leave you with even more questions and need fo support as you come to terms with everything.
Is it possible that you are focusing on your disappointment with your ILs as a distraction from thinking about all the other emotional and physical stuff you've been having to cope with?

The thing is, your DS is endlessly fascinating to you and rightly so, but babies are just not that interesting to other people

Well, they usually are to the grandparents...and close family.

Yes, for the odd visit, not to the degree the OP is expecting, in my experience!

I think you know now that your in laws are not as reliable as you hoped they would be and maybe their version of 'helping and being there' is completely different to your own and everyone else's.

What has your DH said about it all? Has it taken him by surprise?

Wondering how far away you are from your local Children's Centre and maybe start by going to a few sessions. Near me they do Baby Massage, Stay and Play, Babies Playing and there is a local Babies and Toddler group run by mums.

I understand that you are feeling fragile and vulnerable at the the moment but please, do not stay in and dwell on what should have been. Take control from today.

Go out for a daily walk, even if it is just 5 minutes of fresh air down the street or in the garden. Look online or ask your HV about local baby groups you could attend. Start by going to just one a week. It might be one a week is all that you want to attend. But it is a great way to make new friends with other mums and build yourself another support network.

I lived in my village (rural) for 5 years before I had DS1. I didn't know ANYONE except elderly neighbours and it took me 10 weeks to build up the courage and attend my local babies and toddler group. By then, I had been housebound due to snow and was on a slow path to PND due to 'cabin fever'.

Now, I have lots of new mum friends. We socialise with and without our babies (I now have DD and likewise the new mum friends also have DC2 now as well!).

It is a major life changing event to have a newborn and even more-so when you have unreliable relatives and feel very isolated due to not knowing anyone. But there seems very little you can do to change them so start by taking a deep breath and getting out and about.

Also I am a bit shocked that they see 'helping' as a bit of a chore by saying they have a 'day off from helping people'.

Oh and someone else who had a cat 1 c section, don't not get up and start moving about. Staying in and dwelling on the birth and what happened WILL make you feel 100 times worse.