To feel let down and hurt re in-laws attitude to new baby. LONG!

[hearthattack]

Sorry for the epic post.

Our son is four weeks old. He was born by cat1 emergency section after which I spent 3 hours in theatre, 24 hours in intensive care and 12 days in hospital being pretty ill. He, thankfully, is completely fine. I'm home but still need a lot of help and find caring for him on my own (practical stuff like lifting him) quite hard. My partner has done most of the baby care single handed since day 1 and also has to help me with things like walking, showering, dressing, injections etc.

5 months before the baby was born my partner and I moved back to where he grew up. We don't really know anyone here except his parents (his mother and her wife of 18 years, his stepmother). It's a long way from any of my family but was planned and looked forward to for a long time. We've always got on well. They were super excited about their grandchild and thrilled that we wanted to be near them to raise him. There was lots of talk about how involved they would be, what renovations they would make to the house to make it more baby friendly (all unnecessary but they were excited), what it would be like to have one of their children just down the road again etc.

They have a lot of caring responsibilities for a total of 4 very old and infirm relatives, which is pretty hard work. They spend a fair bit of time doing their shopping, cleaning their houses, taking them to appointments etc. They also refuse to get help with this but complain a lot. One of them works 2 days a week, the other not at all.

Since our son was born I've been really upset by their attitude. They didn't come and see us much in hospital, despite it only being 20 mins away, and when they did they made a big song and dance about how hard it was to fit into their day. We asked them for a lift home from hospital when we were discharged, only to wait all day for them to get around to helping us because they had other things to do first and we ended up getting a taxi. We didn't see or hear from the for days after we got home. When we finally called and asked for a bit of help and support, we got it but it was like we were another thing on their list of things to do.

That help has tapered off again and we've not seen or heard from them for nearly a week. My partner is going back to work tomorrow (finances dictate he has to, even though I'm not really ready) and I'm dreading how I'll cope on my own. He called his mum to ask if she would pop in for a cuppa and see how we're getting on. She said she would on this occasion, but that they've decided certain days of the week will be their 'days off' from helping people so normally they wouldn't. Luckilly for me she saw fit to swap her 'day off' this week so she could visit me and her new grandson.

I realise they've got a lot to do, but I feel so angry and upset that seeing me and their grandchild is another task to be completed and not something they actually want to do. It makes me feel guilty for asking for help. I feel really cheated that we uprooted our lives to be here and none of their talk has materialised into action when it matters. My feelings are so strong that I don't really want to see them at the moment, and find it hard to see how we will all go on to have a happy healthy relationship. The truth is though that we really need their support.

Am I being selfish and unreasonable to expect them to be more helpful and willing? I've been so ill, down and hormonal I can't see the wood for the trees any more. How can I get passed this and forgive them when I feel so angry and let down?

8reasons if you spend the majority of your time caring for others, surely it's not unreasonable to take a day for yourself,where you do what you want to do and need to do (errands, housework etc)?
In fact it's absolutely essential, if you don't want to burn put. You can't give 100 % of yourself to others all the time without it having a detrimental effect on you.

Sorry you've had such a tough time, OP. DH lost his job just after I came out of hospital after a CS, and had to take another one a three-hour commute away almost immediately (because the job situation in his field was so grim, it was too good a chance to miss), and the first months of my son's life were incredibly isolated and difficult, despite me running around to every possible baby group, Sure Start centre, NCT thing. No family on either side in this country. I can understand you're frightened.

I do also see it from your PILs POV view, though - they sound exhausted and over-committed, and probably precisely because you've been so ill, you're figuring on their list of 'sick/frail/elderly people we need to help', rather than 'oh, hurray, a mother and new grandchild to fuss over'.

I do agree with other posters that, from your posts, it isn't clear whether you want them to visit and fuss over the baby in a social way, or to do personal care for you. Normally, there probably wouldn't be a distinction, particularly, but I think in your case there probably is, because you've been so ill, and they spend so much of their time looking after people. Is it possible they think that calling to you is going to be quite hard work, along the lines of what they do for the four elderly relatives - what 'support' did you ask them for when you/your DH called them? Is it possible they're completely overwhelmed with the caring they already do?

I've never asked them to do any personal care for me, I wouldn't dream of it. The most we've asked is for them to pick up a couple of things from the shop.

Nor do I want them here all the time. I would just like to feel that the only family we have close by is interested and offers a bit of moral support. It's clear from everyone's opinions that my expectations were unrealistic, so I'll work on adjusting them.

Getting out to groups and things will be great when I can drive. Unfortunately there's nowhere we can walk to. All in good time.

Helping people to the extent they are is more than a chore. It's a part-time job! And not a very rewarding one, in my experience.

I think they are overwhelmed, did not anticipate that Op and DH would be expecting as much as they are in terms of emotional/social support and one or other of them has said, 'Look - you're doing too much. You've got to have a break. Let's set aside a couple of days a week when we have time just to ourselves - and stick to it.'

About the hospital - was it that they couldn't come and collect you when you wanted to leave? I know how when you've got your discharge you want to go home right then, and having to wait a minute longer for transport feels like an eternity. But you didn't actually need them and perhaps a taxi would have been a better idea in the first place.

Maybe things just aren't coming across clearly as from the OP it does sound as if you have asked them a few times.

It's not unrealistic to want GPs to be interested, or even help out, but as you say, your husband is only just back to work, it has only been 4wks.

If you want them to come round and or do something then ask!

If you need more support I think you are going to have to ask for it, as clearly they aren't seeing that you do.

I'm sorry if I seem flippant but I don't really get the whole wanting support from parents thing, even when I was desperately poorly after DD1 I just felt suffocated by visitors and was happiest when it was just us. I hate people making a fuss of me!

But that is me OP, if you do want family around a lot making a fuss of you and the baby you should ask them to come over, the worst that can happen is they say they are busy with one of the 4 elderly people they care for so can't make it and will call round another time.

I promise, once you can get out and about again you'll feel so much better!

Do you feel physically up to driving again? Because my insurance company is ok with driving before 6 weeks as long as you notify them, as are a lot of others now so if you feel up to it there may be no need to stay stuck at home for another 2 weeks. Give them a ring and see

Op if you are near north Worcestershire I can help. I've got a 4 week old too - they could be friends! Let me know?

(Ivd been here a while if you want to check my posting history! Ivevgot 2 older dds)

Oh I do feel for you. Having a newborn is incredibly hard work when labour is straightforward never mind with all the difficulty you had.

But from this moment you have to repeat to yourself "I cannot change how people behave to me I can only change how I react to that behaviour". And you must immediately assume you will get no help.

It's not fair, it's not what they promised and frankly it's not very nice but you can't change it. You can't make them considerate and caring but you can stop letting it get to you. (I've had a different sort of thing with a family member and the moment I decided to let it go channels Elsa was so liberating). Imagine they live 300 miles away and they're not even an option. maybe somewhere cold and grim

Things with the baby and your own recovery will get better and you'll be able to get out to meet other mums and enjoy some of that lovely outdoors you've mentioned. Call your health visitor and be honest. Nobody will think any less of you.

Look for local Facebook groups that may have some meet ups for new mums? Make the most of the help from your family and husband. And cuddle the baby lots and lots

Wrong thread, Omelette?

Oh man, wrong thread. Please disregard previous post!

But I did read your thread earlier OP. Unfortunately I think it's not uncommon for grandparents to over-commit their pledges of support before the baby is born, and when it's all a bit abstract. I've watched my mum drive herself to the brink caring for my dying grandad, followed immediately by my nan with dementia, and it's a 24/7 job even if they aren't living with you.

My husband and I have been responsible for 4 elderly parents for an awfully long time, to varying extents, with two of them now no longer with us; and it is hard to explain the sucking of energy that it involves; it's not just doing the stuff for them, it's the mental drain of the fuss that very elderly, frail people make about tiny things - so just something like, 'can you get me a repeat prescription next week' will be preceded by days of telling you that they'll need one soon, and checking which day you can go, and losing the list of the ones they want, and forgetting that you said you'd do it Tuesday - so every tiny thing you do for them is accompanied by about five times as much faff as if you did it for yourself....if your parents in law are doing this times 4, I can well imagine that they just can't cope with any more. Maybe the stepmother has no experience with babies and is a bit wary of it? Maybe they are just weary to their bones? Maybe they genuinely meant to collect you from hospital but just couldn't get away from one relative or another? Maybe they just haven't had the headspace to think about you and your needs. Maybe they genuinely aren't interested, but if they are nice enough to do all this for their parents then they are probably pretty nice people, so even if they are not that keen on new babies they may be interested in the future. If your DP asked his mum to pop in and help you, then there was an expectation that she would do it to suit you, and I can see that she might not want to commit to losing her only day off forever - she may just be being blunt because she's too tired to be tactful. Why don't you ask them what they feel? Surely an honest conversation would help you all work out the boundaries, as long as everyone is trying to be open minded rather than accusatory? Congrats on the baby.

Oh come on they have got more than enough on their plate, surely you can see that!
You are 4 weeks post partum, have no other children and a DH at home up til today

They look after four 'very old and infirm relatives'?
And one of them has a job, two days a week?
Jeez. They must be on their knees.

Brioche she is four weeks postpartum after being in hospital for two weeks after what sounds like a horrendous and terrifying birth experience, not just a "oh yes I wafted in, popped out a sproglet and was released within six hours!" postpartum.

She has no other children, but the newborn days aren't a breeze when you're in peak physical condition, let alone for someone who's had the above experience.

And her DH has been home until today. Now he's back at work. Have you see what she actually would have liked from her ILs? An occasional phone call, an occasional visit and the lift home from hospital that they were promised. She's not asking the world.

I think you are being somewhat unfair to them but that's understandable because you are tired.

Can I ask: did your DH help out when they were looking after four frail relatives? Has he been there for them? Because it sounds like they are expected to be carers to everyone and are burning out.

Also, it sounds like you only value them for the services they could do for you.

For e.g., you asked them to pick you up from the hospital instead of getting a taxi, which would be really easy to arrange yourself. They are probably exhausted driving around all day as carers. You also asked them to go shopping for you (even though there have been two of you at home for a month).

It just sounds like you want practical support instead of for moral or emotional support or even to let them enjoy being a grandparent.

Is it possible that they are resentful that you won't just allow them to visit and engage, instead you want them to fetch and carry for you?

I'm sorry but I think you are BU. They have lots of other caring responsibilities,are elderly and still work. That's more than enough on their plates.it's really not fair for you to expect them to tend to you to. Yes you've had a hard time and yes you may still be finding it tough but you do just have to get on with it sometimes or sort some help out for yourself maybe hire a post natal doula.

I honestly do understand where you are coming from I had massive complications after my last child and ended up with a huge open wound, which leaked massively, an access,a fistula and four months of hell. I have other children too and husband who went back to work at 2 weeks post partum. I really just did need to battle on. It will get easier. You will find a routine and find a way through.

OP your situation sounds really difficult, I want to reach through the screen and give you a big hug . What happened to you sounds awful I would ask the hospital for a debrief.

From what you have posted it sounds as though you pils are vvvv over extended rather than them not being interested in you or the baby. You have done a remarkable job so far recovering and looking after your newborn in time it will improve but I know its hard to see that at the moment.

I'm sorry but I think you are BU. They have lots of other caring responsibilities,are elderly and still work

I'm not sure that granny and granny are " elderly " , I think they are only in their 60s.

Some of you seem to be forgetting that OP has been seriously ill, has had major surgery and now is alone all day with a newborn baby, away from all her family and friends . I think shes allowed to feel a bit worried and scared.

They have got to the stage where they have had to designate certain days as their 'off' days to allow themselves to rest and recouperate.Are you really too self absorbed to see the state they are in? You don't actually need help (they have already provided that). You just think it would be nice if the could do the hour round trip to pop in and break up your day.
News flash the world does nor resolve around you and your special snowflake other people have needs too.

I suspect if they are looking after 4 parents themselves, they want visits to you to be ones where they get made a cup of tea and get to play with the baby, rather than being ones where they have 2 more people to care for. I think you are being highly unrealistic about what they can and should do - yes, you have had a bad time, but you had a husband at home with you, and will recover in time. They, on the other hand, are potentially looking at years of ongoing caring burden, and as someone who is juggling small children and caring for elderly parents, unless you've done it, you have no idea how exhausting it can be. I think you need to expect less and care more, TBH.

OK, I get it. I'm selfish and self absorbed. I've said I'll reassess. Stop bashing.

You are not selfish and self absorbed OP. Unfortunately MN seems to be full of posters who like to take a swing at people, all the threads are full of really quite nasty responses at the moment. Fuck knows why.

I really feel for you OP.

I had a v similar situation with my first DC, lived near DH's family and about 3 hours away from mine. My in laws came to the hospital once to see DD but never to the house to visit, never phoned etc. They only saw DD if I took her there (only about half a mile away). I remember feeling incredibly isolated and alone when DH went back to work.

I completely understand what you're saying, you want you and DS to be thought about, the odd phone call, visit etc. Unfortunately it seems that their time is somewhat scarce with the elderly relatives.

For now I'd focus on enjoying time with your new DS. If you really can't get out to groups/library etc make sure you get out everyday for fresh air, it made a big difference to me.