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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find being a twin claustrophobic at times?

38 replies

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 16:49

Any other twins care to share?

I live with my (female, fraternal) twin, mid-twenties and find it hard

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ShebaShimmyShake · 14/11/2015 16:52

I can imagine it must be very frustrating at times, and even more so if you're identical and everyone insists on seeing you as half of a pair instead of a complete and unique individual.

If it helps, though, there are several years between me and my sister. And all through school, every time the new academic year began, I'd hear from every teacher, "Oh, you're XXX's sister. I taught your sister. Here is how you compare to your sister. I'm sorry, I've forgotten your name, but I know you're XXX's sister."

Savagebeauty · 14/11/2015 16:55

My ex doesn't get on with his twin..they were always shoved together as kids and he hated. Always felt he had to compete with him
They don't speak..to the point that he doesn't want him at his funeral

TillITookAnArrowToTheKnee · 14/11/2015 16:57

My DSisters are 19, identical twins. Our Mum and their Dad split 6 years ago. One DSis lives with her Dad, one with our Mum. Its been that way since they were 13. They cant stand each other. I get on far better with my DSis who lives with her Dad, Im NC with Mum and there is a very marked difference in their personalities... can tell which one was raised by toxic narc

sunnyshowers · 14/11/2015 16:57

Maybe you can advise me
I have id boys only 5 now but I put them into different classes and they as a result are invited to different parties and playdates I've noticed since September they're even closer and don't fight as much.

I'm the kind of person who likes my own space and they've also had seperation bedrooms since they were one.

It's not always possible to tale them out individually so I've other kids bit I hope I'm doing the right thing. They're happy and love their own "news of the day" from they're own school class. I figured they'd need to branch out and it's easier now when I'm with them to ease the way.

laffymeal · 14/11/2015 16:58

My sister has non identical twin daughters, DH's brother has boy/girl twins. The two girls get on well but went through a phase of feeling seen as a "unit" at school, things got better when one went of to Uni. They don't look anything alike (one looks like their Mum, the other the Dad) so it's not really an issue now as no one connects them as twins.

DH's niece and nephew don't seem to have any connection with each other, they're quite cold to each other in company.

Mysteryfla · 14/11/2015 17:00

So move out and start living your own life. There's no way my twin and I would have ever lived together once we were grown.

springydaffs · 14/11/2015 17:01

My relationship with my twin has been the single most toxic relationship of my life. Many followed, as they do. I was born with a viper.

Sorry, not that relevant.

springydaffs · 14/11/2015 17:06

How I WISH we'd had separate lives! Not just different classes but different schools ffs. The less exposure to her pure poison, the better.

Our mum was good at keeping us separate, insisted we were not called 'the twins', dressed us in different clothes etc. She just didn't go far enough (to be fair, how could she have suspected it was necessary. For my mental health.)

Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:06

The thing is, I have more friends and close relationships than her; sounds harsh but honestly it's true. So she relies on me for a social life basically and whenever she wants go somewhere I have to accompany her; all on her terms

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Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:08

Sorry daffs

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Higge · 14/11/2015 17:08

I have twins - boy and girl and they are really good friends, stick up for each other against me. Separate classes but they willingly share all after school activities - they have friends who are twins and they really hate it - I guess it depends on the relationship.

MsJamieFraser · 14/11/2015 17:08

Im an identical twin and No I do not, being a twin does not define me, Im an individual, and lead a individual life so that of my sister.

I choose to do this however.

Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:09

Higge, we are good friends in theory and very close but spend 24 hours a day in each other's company. It's pretty full-on

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laffymeal · 14/11/2015 17:13

Sounds like you need a bit of distance, maybe not live together?

My DS has friends who are twins (non identical girls). One is very dramatic and the other gets really weary with all the fall outs she has which end up impacting on her as most of their friends are the same.

The straightforward one always has to be the peacemaker and is between a rock and a hardplace if she gets invited somewhere and the other one doesn't (they're 14 so you can see how it causes upset).

I can see them having a spectacular fall out when they're older and just avoiding each other altogether.

springydaffs · 14/11/2015 17:17

Thank you Reckon

I don't tell anyone I am a twin. Well, divorced twin - my choice. People get all gooey about it. Ffs.

I was also the more popular not surprising when she is so vile . Never heard the end of it. Jeez.

You've got to move out. Get separate lives. It's tough but she has to make her own way (not basing my advice on my experience btw, which was a whole other league).

ReallyTired · 14/11/2015 17:18

My grandparents wisely sent my mother and twin brother to seperate schools from the age of four. They both used to walk to school by themselves so the school run was not an issue in the 1940s. Lots of people had no idea that they were twins. As adults they have a good relationship with each other.

TwinnyReckon Are you in a position where you are able to move out. Have you been to university or college? My mother's brother moved away for national service and mother went and trained to be nurse as young adults. They both had their own circle of friends.

SplatterMustard · 14/11/2015 17:27

Look on the bright side, if you do then at least you always have somebody who probably understands how you feel. I'll get my coat....

Higge · 14/11/2015 17:29

I've always felt separation was the best policy for their personal development but also living 24/7 with anyone would drive you insane.
My kids have their beautiful moments - my dd will take punishments for ds so he doesn't feel bad doing it alone, ds will tell me off if I've been short with dd. Dd helps ds with his art, they find it easier to do homework at the same time. They are so sweet with each other - it's really quite moving. I hate them being referred to as "the twins" and I love it when their teachers have no clue they are related even when they are in the same subject class.
Dsils are twins and at times the more confident one has felt frustrated and claustrophobic by the relationship....they are fine now but at secondary school it was pretty bad.

Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:31

Thanks everyone...

splatter yes I do totally see your point

I don't wish to come across as ungrateful but I find her really hard work sometimes and quite immature. Shes also lost touch with a lot of friends so just expects me to "provide" a social life for her. Has no qualms coming to group meet ups and wedging herself in, doesn't see it as intrusive at all.

I don't want to be unnecessarily mean but have to draw the line somewhere.

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ImperialBlether · 14/11/2015 17:32

Twinny, what would be your sister's reaction if you suggested living separately? It will happen one day when one of you meets someone, presumably, anyway?

Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:32

And added to this I love her a lot and do get on with her. But just not good at always being with her

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Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:33

imperial I'll be moving away in the next ten months or so anyway. But I just need some coping techniques up til then really

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ImperialBlether · 14/11/2015 17:42

She needs to become more independent, then, otherwise she'll really suffer when you move away. Does she accept that?

Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:45

Thank you for the advice

Yes I think she dies but it'll sound really patronising if i try to tell her. I think maybe she wants us to live together next year too (she's looking into buying a small flat and my parents have v kindly said they'll help her/us out with the deposit... But obviously this is semi-conditional on us buying together). I'm so grateful and appreciate them doing this but equally can't imagine living with just get for the future.

Prior to this I lived away for several years with friends at university so would ideally like to go back to doing the same...

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Original poster

TwinnyReckon · 14/11/2015 17:45

Does not dies!!!

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