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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to look after our kids?

120 replies

PigsWiggle · 14/11/2015 13:57

I'm 100% sure I'm being totally reasonable but he says I'm not so I would love to hear an objective view.

We have 2 kids, 4 and 1.

On Saturday mornings I take our 4 year old to her swimming lesson, I take the 1 year old with me too.

After swimming we go to the park, feed the ducks, visit the library, go to the coffee shop, pop to the supermarket etc etc so we are normally out of the house for 3 to 4 hours.

Whilst I'm doing this my DH will either be doing overtime at work or at home doing chores/ housework.

This Saturday my DH is not working and I asked him to swop as I need to have a few hours uninterrupted time at home to go through our finances. (We are planning on getting a loan to do some building work and I want to work out where we can make cut backs and how much we can borrow).

He says "he can't" and "doesn't want to" take 2 kids swimming as it would be too hard looking after both. He says he will take the 4 year old swimming and leave 1 year old with me, I said no as that doesn't help me as can't focus on finances and look after baby. He says he will take both kids out later to park but I said no as that would not give me enough time.

He says I'm being totally unreasonable as he has told me all along he doesn't want to do it.
I've told him that he is being unfair, selfish and pathetic! I've told him it is hard work looking after 2 kids but I do it! I've told him that it is unfair that I should have to beg him to look after his own kids, they are his responsibility too! I find it unfair that on Saturday afternoons he gets to go out for 6 hours with his dad to footie while I look after kids, what would he say if I said "I can't" and "don't want to"??!

So after a week of squabbling about this he has won! I've taken both kids to swimming and he stayed at home. He is now at footie so I can't concentrate on finances and look after 2 kids.

I'm mad that I don't get to do what I wanted to do and I mad that he is making out I'm being totally unreasonable, I'm not an I???

OP posts:

FloweryPowery · 16/11/2015 11:22

What a great update OP.

My advice is to try not to tell him every single thing about how you do it. Let him figure out his own ways and, where possible, bite your tongue if they don't match yours exactly. Don't pack the nappy bag for him and prepare the meals he must serve, you'll just be enabling him to rely on you. Instead, remind him he'll need to top up the bag before he leaves and let him find some food in the fridge.

My DH was willing as anything and in the early stages he asked me to write some lists to help him learn. So there was a scrap of paper in the changing bag with a list of what to pack, and one on the fridge of morning jobs and how to operate the sterilizer. IMO this wasn't him bring a manchild, it was his learning curve, and as he got more confident they dropped away. It's nice that he carved his own way of doing things too though. I did consciously stand back and bite my tongue at times, and nobody died. His confidence in handling the children is key really - of course he should man up and crack on, but it is hard to do that with an expert looking over your shoulder all the time.

Some men do hide behind work rather than pitching in with their children. Might be worth a chat about value of more money vs value of more time if this sounds like your DH.

BertrandRussell · 16/11/2015 13:05

"My DH was willing as anything and in the early stages he asked me to write some lists to help him learn. So there was a scrap of paper in the changing bag with a list of what to pack, and one on the fridge of morning jobs and how to operate the sterilizer."

Interesting. Who wrote the lists for you when you started looking after your baby?

RandomMess · 16/11/2015 13:07

Also don't criticise if he does things differently/wrong. Don't tell him how to do x y z. It's fine to say "I do it this way and that works for me".

You do need to really back off and let them work out what works for them. Remember those times when it all went wrong you didn't have someone telling you how you should have done it or anything like that.

In a way it was fortunate I had weekly 3 hour hospital appointments that I couldn't take the eldest to so DH had to learn how to cope from day 1 plus I just expected him to do is share and fortunately he was willing and wanting to.

Good luck with you both changing the dynamics!

BathshebaDarkstone · 16/11/2015 13:10

YANBU. I feel your pain. DH took the DC to the park one Saturday. DS was potty training. DH said he'd bring him home if he had an accident.

BathshebaDarkstone · 16/11/2015 13:11

Also, he told me to put him in Pull Ups, which would have been a step back.

OnlyLovers · 16/11/2015 13:21

Interesting. Who wrote the lists for you when you started looking after your baby?

Yeah, exactly.

How on earth do all these poor bewildered men, so sorely in need of help, manage to dress themselves, drive a car or catch a bus, hold down a job...?

FloweryPowery · 16/11/2015 13:46

Bertrand that's unfair. I could have said "bog off, no one wrote me a list" but what exactly would that achieve? I did 6 days a week of getting up with her, he did 1, and I was getting pissed off that he didn't magically know to do all the stuff I generally did to get a head start on the day. Absolutely back off and let him work it out for himself, but to refuse when he specifically asks what else needs to be done is just obstructive.

We both went PT to share childcare after my mat leave - I actually can't think of another dad who spends as much time with his DC as my DH does. But there IS a learning curve in looking after children, especially those on long term medication, and supporting your partner up that learning curve is not by definition a bad thing. We tried to stay on the same curve when he was on pat leave but once he went back to work and I was on mat leave, of course I got ahead in that first year.

BertrandRussell · 16/11/2015 13:52

You didn't mention medication- that does alter things a bit. But seriously, in normal circumstances what adult human being that's met a baby needs a list to pack a changing bag?

SurlyCue · 16/11/2015 14:18

Babies were really a case of trial and error for me. I was a teenager and a lone parent the first time round and you can bet your ass i got things wrong but most people arent neglecful or harmful even in their ignorance. Most people can work out what needs packed and if they forget then yes, its crappy that time if your stuck at the swimming pool with no wipes or no dummy but you sure as hell remember it next time. writing lists is fine i suppose but for me it falls under the "micro-managing" title and isnt a great path to go down (have memories of the lists and batch cooking my mum prepared for my dad and us two teens just so she could have a few nights away with her sisters) i dont necessarily see that fathers should be protected from having a crap day because they forgot to pack something. Its part of life, and part of parenting. You live and learn.

BertrandRussell · 16/11/2015 14:23

"i dont necessarily see that fathers should be protected from having a crap day because they forgot to pack something. Its part of life, and part of parenting. You live and learn."

And realistically, what could you forget that would cause you to have a crap day?

SurlyCue · 16/11/2015 14:32

Well a dummy or a bottle could make it a loud day but both can be purchased.

MorrisZapp · 16/11/2015 14:44

If you have the responsibility for writing lists then you're effectively carrying your DH even when you're not there.

My saintly, fifty fifty childcare sharing DP has been guilty of trying the 'did you bring any wipes?' approach when out and about. I always said, did you? I refuse to have the final responsibility for children's needs. It's joint.

PassiveAgressiveQueen · 16/11/2015 14:50

Someone said the most important thing, the very very very most important thing.
He will do stuff differently from you, you have to shut up and leave him to it, nothing kills the ability to join in quicker than a constant stream of 'no not like thats'. That is true for anybody of any age.

Blondeshavemorefun · 16/11/2015 15:13

Thanks for update. Many don't

Will be interested how his day goes - swimming and all :)

PegsPigs · 16/11/2015 15:23

I don't think it's unfair to help a DH get up to the speed you're at after a year of looking after them at least 5 days a week by writing lists. Having a 4 year old and a 1 year old and refusing to look after them for a morning so your DW can do urgent financial chores (as opposed to a spa day or generally enjoying herself god forbid!) is lame in my opinion. Dads are just as capable as mums given the same opportunities. When DD was 4 months old DH was booked to take her to a baby class while I got my hair done for the first time in months He arrived for the 2nd half because he'd miscalculated how long it would take to get her up, change her nappy, feed her, get the change bag ready, get her in the car, get there, park, get her out of the car and into the venue. I knew how long because I'd been doing it for a couple of months. If I'd realised he was going to vastly underestimate it all I'd have given him some rough timings. Not to molly coddle him but to help him learn in a day what I'd learnt in 2 months. Why set him up to fail? But there's no way I'd listen to any bollocks about not looking after them on his own. It's parenting. Step up.

I'd do what a PP suggested and just leave him to it one weekend. Sink or swim (excuse the pun).

BertrandRussell · 16/11/2015 15:39

But assuming these men aren't working 7 days a week why do they need to "get up to speed"? They'll have been doing it at weekends from the beginning, won't they?

PuntasticUsername · 16/11/2015 18:27

In my case, my most excellent hands-on DH struggled to do as much with our PFB as he'd have liked because (I now see) I was unreasonably convinced that I was the only one who could look after DS1 as perfectly as he deserved. To the point of neurosis, almost. It wasn't DH, he did as much as I ever let him do.

Luckily by the time DS2 came along, I'd chilled the fuck out and now his dad gets to do much more for them both...

Not saying this is the case for OP, just that it was for us.

Mehitabel6 · 16/11/2015 19:00

It should be a warning for new parents- the father is just as capable as you! Leave him alone to get on with it and then you won't get left with the situation where you are doing the bulk and you have an extra child.
I would go for the shock tactics- announce that you are going out for a day and leave him to get in with it.

Mehitabel6 · 16/11/2015 19:02

I think that there are a lot of new mothers like you Puntastic who get lots of time alone with the baby but won't let DH have the same- and if they do they have to be in charge and tell him what to do! (Despite being beginners together).

PuntasticUsername · 16/11/2015 19:39

Yeah. Fair call. It's something I'd definitely change if I had my time over!

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