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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to look after our kids?

120 replies

PigsWiggle · 14/11/2015 13:57

I'm 100% sure I'm being totally reasonable but he says I'm not so I would love to hear an objective view.

We have 2 kids, 4 and 1.

On Saturday mornings I take our 4 year old to her swimming lesson, I take the 1 year old with me too.

After swimming we go to the park, feed the ducks, visit the library, go to the coffee shop, pop to the supermarket etc etc so we are normally out of the house for 3 to 4 hours.

Whilst I'm doing this my DH will either be doing overtime at work or at home doing chores/ housework.

This Saturday my DH is not working and I asked him to swop as I need to have a few hours uninterrupted time at home to go through our finances. (We are planning on getting a loan to do some building work and I want to work out where we can make cut backs and how much we can borrow).

He says "he can't" and "doesn't want to" take 2 kids swimming as it would be too hard looking after both. He says he will take the 4 year old swimming and leave 1 year old with me, I said no as that doesn't help me as can't focus on finances and look after baby. He says he will take both kids out later to park but I said no as that would not give me enough time.

He says I'm being totally unreasonable as he has told me all along he doesn't want to do it.
I've told him that he is being unfair, selfish and pathetic! I've told him it is hard work looking after 2 kids but I do it! I've told him that it is unfair that I should have to beg him to look after his own kids, they are his responsibility too! I find it unfair that on Saturday afternoons he gets to go out for 6 hours with his dad to footie while I look after kids, what would he say if I said "I can't" and "don't want to"??!

So after a week of squabbling about this he has won! I've taken both kids to swimming and he stayed at home. He is now at footie so I can't concentrate on finances and look after 2 kids.

I'm mad that I don't get to do what I wanted to do and I mad that he is making out I'm being totally unreasonable, I'm not an I???

OP posts:

Mehitabel6 · 15/11/2015 08:37

Go away for the weekend and leave him to it.
If not make arrangements to meet a friend for the day and just announce that next Saturday you will be out- and do it.

I would get a his and hers calendar for next year and have a rule that whoever gets their activity down first has the other one at home looking after the children OR the person who is second arranges a babysitter.

Women make a huge mistake in the first few months. Even if you are breast feeding you can go out and just leave him with his baby for a couple of hours. He is just as capable as you at bathing etc if given the chance.
For some odd reason you have 2 people who have no experience of babies and the woman becomes 'senior' parent who needs to explain how to do things.
They then get upset some years down the line to find they are 'in charge'.
Since you are now seen as 'in charge' you need the shock tactics of just going out. It is his house and his children - just go!

Onedirectionarestillloved · 15/11/2015 08:39

Oh dear op.

Yanbu.

It is hard in this situation because you want to do the right thing for your family.

Does your dh enjoy spending time with the dcs?

Perhaps a weekend away with the girls is in order for you.

minifingerz · 15/11/2015 08:44

He's being lame.

DH and DB have three kids each and have taken them out for whole days alone - regularly (ie sometimes weekly for months on end) even when they were very small, despite working f/t and having partners who work p/t.

I have no respect for grown men who can't manage sole care of their dc's for any reasonable length of time.

mintoil · 15/11/2015 09:30

Oh dear, well you are enabling his behaviour rather aren't you OP?

I would point blank refuse to do the financial planning until he has taken both DC out as you asked but I am a mardy cow I would stand my ground for months, years........

It sounds like you have the lions share of responsibility and that can make you resentful over time - bitter voice of experience.

The only way this is going to change, and not leaving you feeling increasingly frustrated and angry, is if you stand up for yourself.

SerenityReynolds · 15/11/2015 09:35

He sounds like a twat. Tell him that unfortunately you have plans next Saturday afternoon so you "can't" look after the kids while he goes to football (btw is that a regular thing?! If so, you need to start going out for an equivalent amount of time on a Sunday and leave him to it).

jay55 · 15/11/2015 09:37

So he also refuses to take financial responsibility for the family. What does he contribute?

SanityClause · 15/11/2015 09:41

Maybe this will sway him.

My DH has a hobby which takes up most Saturday mornings. So, it has always fallen to me to take the DC to their Saturday morning activities.

Which one of us do you think has a better relationship with our children, now they are in their teens?

By not getting involved, men can really lose out.

SurlyCue · 15/11/2015 13:28

He sounds like the sort of knob who, if you were to leave for a day or weekend, would do nothing with the DC, they'd miss their swimming, the house would be a shambles and he'd dump them on his mum to do his childcare for him. Any chance he has a playstation or xbox?

Arfarfanarf · 15/11/2015 13:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SurlyCue · 15/11/2015 13:48

Its not that he cant. Of course he can. It isnt difficult. Its that he doesnt want to. Because it isnt his idea of fun (he is ignorant in this regard because it can be fun if you want it to be- it requires an attitde adjustment)

BertrandRussell · 15/11/2015 13:59

"He is pathetic.
What kind of father cant take care of his own kids?
Isnt he embarrassed to admit hes so useless?"

No. Because he of course he can. And he knows it. He just doesn't want to.

fascicle · 15/11/2015 14:02

OP in your shoes, I would ask your dh to pinpoint exactly what it is he thinks he can't do - which part of the activities does he feel he can't cope with? Patronising as it may seem, perhaps he needs some logistical pointers for any parts of the arrangement he perceives to be tricky.

Presumably, if he was at work, he wouldn't say I can't and I won't in response to a reasonable request. No doubt he has greater problem solving abilities than he gives himself credit for.

HermioneWeasley · 15/11/2015 14:04

He's a Selfish dick

Gabilan · 15/11/2015 14:13

"he has told me all along he doesn't want to do it"

Oh well that's sorted then. Just tell him well in advance all the things you don't want to do and then don't do them. Personally I would include all cooking, cleaning, laundry and ironing as they're dull and I don't want to do them.

This morning I didn't want to get out of bed but I did, mainly because I have responsibilities and being a grown up, no longer get to say "I don't want to".

MamaLazarou · 15/11/2015 14:31

How do these men manage to get married and have children?

Chippednailvarnish · 15/11/2015 15:00

Because Mama a lot of women are willing to accept dickheads as life partners and then spend their lives enabling and making excuses for them!

YouTheCat · 15/11/2015 15:34

I'd be asking him how he thinks he'd cope having both children every other weekend.

You work too. He needs to grow up.

Cerseirys · 15/11/2015 16:17

How long have you been married OP? Was he like this before marriage and kids? He really needs to step up and understand that both of you are responsible for the kids. Are you a SAHM? It's really not fair if you are and he gets to go out for several hours every Saturday and you don't get a break. Why are some men some such dicks? This is the 21st century, FFS!

OnlyLovers · 15/11/2015 16:21

He's a twat and you're only expecting him to do what you do all the time.

Tell him to grow up and take some fucking responsibility. Yes, in those words.

SurlyCue · 15/11/2015 16:39

Because Mama a lot of women are willing to accept dickheads as life partners and then spend their lives enabling and making excuses for them!

A thousand times this^

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/11/2015 16:51

Your DH is being really unreasonable. I could understand if he felt that sorting out your oldest post swimming with a 1yo in tow could be daunting and therefore to do something else to enable you to have the time you need; that would be fine. But to just say no and offer an hour at the park, that's definitely not good.

My DH can be a bit like this at home, in that I'm the first to sort out our baby DS, do the nappies, sort out nap time etc. But I know I could (and have) announced I'm booking on a craft workshop all day on a Saturday and it wouldn't be a problem at all. I have however, just handed him DS so I can MN

I'd suggest you find something to do every week so he has the children without you regularly. Ideally something that gives you scope to expand to weekend workshops or weekends away too, so you can have some quality time without the children, it'll also build his confidence (so he can't use that as an excuse!).

PurpleCrazyHorse · 15/11/2015 16:53

Oh and if he's that keen to progress on the building work, you best tell him that it won't be progressing at all unless he has the children for half the day so you can do the finances. Then leave it at that.

Blondeshavemorefun · 15/11/2015 17:23

i could understand it if taking both swimming, but the 4yr is going in alone, so only needs to get her changed, not the 3 of them

no excuse not to take 1yr and put in buggy if need be

you should have accepted his offer to go to the park tho and either done finance then or just chilled for a few hours

AcrossthePond55 · 15/11/2015 17:29

What would have happened if you had packed up 4 yr old for swimming and started to walk out the door without 1 yr old?

What would happen if 1 hour before footie you announced you were going out, picked up your keys and left without the kids?

Because the answers to those questions will tell you everything you need to know about your DH.

Original poster

PigsWiggle · 16/11/2015 10:30

Thank you for all your replies, it has been really helpful getting a view from someone outside our relationship, we have been together 10 years so it is easy to not challenge the way things are.

Yes he was like this before kids and I've just let it carry on! When we met he lived on his own and did his own housework but went to his mum around the corner for his dinner every day and pick up his folded/ ironed laundry, his dad helped him with paperwork/finances. I've basically just stepped into his parents shoes!! He still does majority of housework, hoovering, cleaning loos, mowing lawns, DIY jobs and I do the food shopping, cook all meals, laundry, finances/ paperwork, majority of childcare. I now work 3 days, he works full-time, regularly doing overtime to 6 days a week and occasionally even 7 days a week.

We have a regular long standing argument about me feeling I do most things and he feels he works lots so that it is fair, whereas I feel just because I'm not being paid for childcare etc. it is still work so I need a break too.

It has been really helpful reading your views. It has dawned on me that I keep expecting him to change and just help me more but I can now see that I do just give in, I let him be in inflexible, that I'm enabling his behaviour and that yes I'm getting very resentful, so really it is me that needs to change.

We have discussed that in 2 weeks I'm going out for day and he has kids, including taking 4 year old to swim lesson. So this Saturday he is going to come with me to see how it is done. (Not that I remember anyone showing me!)

I don't want my kids to grow up thinking that this division of labour is normal, I want them to be in more equal partnerships.

Thanks again for all your helpful advice/opinions.

OP posts:

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