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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to look after our kids?

120 replies

PigsWiggle · 14/11/2015 13:57

I'm 100% sure I'm being totally reasonable but he says I'm not so I would love to hear an objective view.

We have 2 kids, 4 and 1.

On Saturday mornings I take our 4 year old to her swimming lesson, I take the 1 year old with me too.

After swimming we go to the park, feed the ducks, visit the library, go to the coffee shop, pop to the supermarket etc etc so we are normally out of the house for 3 to 4 hours.

Whilst I'm doing this my DH will either be doing overtime at work or at home doing chores/ housework.

This Saturday my DH is not working and I asked him to swop as I need to have a few hours uninterrupted time at home to go through our finances. (We are planning on getting a loan to do some building work and I want to work out where we can make cut backs and how much we can borrow).

He says "he can't" and "doesn't want to" take 2 kids swimming as it would be too hard looking after both. He says he will take the 4 year old swimming and leave 1 year old with me, I said no as that doesn't help me as can't focus on finances and look after baby. He says he will take both kids out later to park but I said no as that would not give me enough time.

He says I'm being totally unreasonable as he has told me all along he doesn't want to do it.
I've told him that he is being unfair, selfish and pathetic! I've told him it is hard work looking after 2 kids but I do it! I've told him that it is unfair that I should have to beg him to look after his own kids, they are his responsibility too! I find it unfair that on Saturday afternoons he gets to go out for 6 hours with his dad to footie while I look after kids, what would he say if I said "I can't" and "don't want to"??!

So after a week of squabbling about this he has won! I've taken both kids to swimming and he stayed at home. He is now at footie so I can't concentrate on finances and look after 2 kids.

I'm mad that I don't get to do what I wanted to do and I mad that he is making out I'm being totally unreasonable, I'm not an I???

OP posts:
OddlyLogical · 14/11/2015 14:37

its not fair i agree but if he has never done it he may just not be the type
He's a parent! You don't get to pick and choose the easy bits and whine that you can't do some of the more difficult bits.
It is simply not good enough - he needs to get a grip.

HeteronormativeHaybales · 14/11/2015 14:37

Good grief - shocked that he has a) pulled this stunt and b) got away with it. Too hard? But you seem to manage it just fine every week? He is telling you right there that it's fine for you to have to do things he shouldn't be expected to.
And then he actually goes off to football every (?) Saturday? Shock

Murdock, I'm just as Hmm at your dw.

clippityclop · 14/11/2015 14:44

Is he completely on board with the plan to do building the work?

diddl · 14/11/2015 15:06

So why didn't he sort the financial stuff whilst you were out with the kids?

LumpySpacedPrincess · 14/11/2015 15:11

That is dreadful, what a cock.

SevenSeconds · 14/11/2015 15:17

Your DH is an idiot. You need to put your foot down or this will only get worse. Tell him you are not happy with him going out to the football again until he agrees to take a turn.

museumum · 14/11/2015 15:20

Wait a minute! His Saturday's are 4hrs child free work or chores then six hours out with his dad???!!!!
When exactly does he do his share of parenting?

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 14/11/2015 15:21

What is with people who "can't " manage to look after their own children?

I know a married couple who both seemed to have an absolute unshakable belief that one parent taking two children out of the house was impossible, and would only go anywhere with a child 1:1 leaving the other child home with the other parent, or in full day childcare or with a babysitter, or would make a big song and dance but finally manage to go out as a whole family unit with both parents... but went on to actively ttc and have a third Confused (they now have an aupair as well as a sahp and full day external child care 5 days a week... Some people do make a meal of things!)

SurlyCue · 14/11/2015 15:38

I often wonder if these types ever get embarassed. I mean they can hold down jobs, drive big metal death machines at high speeds, negotiate their way through cities at rush hour, study for exams, and managed to appear vaguely capable long enough for someone to marry them and have children with them yet two small children for a couple of hours has them baffled.

But of course they arent embarrassed because it isnt that they cant do it. They just dont want to. Which i personally find more shameful.

BlackeyedSusan · 14/11/2015 15:47

I would find all sortso f things I would not want to do. anything that is for him basically Wink

Bimblywibble · 14/11/2015 15:48

WClippetyClopS, is this a way of avoiding getting the loan?

He needs to walk a few miles in your shoes or he will not, cannot, respect you and the job you do.

Chippednailvarnish · 14/11/2015 15:48

I have a friend who's DH was like this. She grew a pair and now they are getting divorced...

ScrambledSmegs · 14/11/2015 15:51

He's pathetic. Can't cope with 2 children? Diddums Hmm

Norest · 14/11/2015 15:51

So since you have done the bulk of the childcare today, you can take the day tomorrow to yourself to do a combination of chores..i.e. your financial planning, and then 6 hours or so in an activity you enjoy, minus children, whilst your husband does activities with them, yes?

Or will your husband find that unreasonable?

RaspberryOverload · 14/11/2015 15:56

MY DP is a parent of our two DCs.

He has always been fully capable of looking after both, from day 1 (except for the rbeast feeding of course).

OP, YANBU, your DH is, and is a selfish git to boot.

Looking after small children is NOT something that's hard-wired into women and not men.

petalsandstars · 14/11/2015 16:00

Tomorrow morning just take the financial stuff out and leave him to it with both kids.

ptumbi · 14/11/2015 16:04

I had a friend whose DH honestly, actually, seriously thought that it was 'easier' for women to do the childcare. Luckily, as he didn't want to do it.

spritefairy · 14/11/2015 16:10

**Well more fool you for taking them both unless you wanted to.

I would have taken his offer of the park later tbh.

I wouldn't take a 1yr old to watch a sibling swim if there was a parent at home that I could leave them with**

This.

He is usually working you say so maybe he wants some time off too. I would have let him take the older one, kept the younger one and then let him take them to the park later

Singingholly16 · 14/11/2015 16:11

He's being unreasonable. However you're even more unreasonable for being a martyr and allowing him.
And you're raising your children to see this set up as normal.

yorkshapudding · 14/11/2015 16:18

He's being a twat.

He has 6 hours child-free leisure time every Saturday? Does he have any idea how rare that is for a man with two children?? All that time to himself to indulge his hobby and he can't spend one bloody morning of his life doing an activity with the kids while you crack on with something that needs to be done and presumably benefits you both?

When do you get your free time OP? Tomorrow morning, leave with him with both DC's and take all your paperwork, laptop etc to a nice coffee shop. Get yourself a coffee and a massive slab of cake and crack on with the finance stuff. Then when you're finished, go shopping or meet a friend for lunch, anything you fancy. Let him take care of HIS kids for a change. Since it's so "difficult" for him he obviously needs more practice.

CurrerBellend · 14/11/2015 16:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

diddl · 14/11/2015 16:27

What I find quite ridiculous is that you have been arguing about this for a week.

When he said he wouldn't do it then you could have told him that he could sort the finances this morning, or one or the other of you could have found some time in the week to look at stuff.

PennyHasNoSurname · 14/11/2015 16:33

Well the time has come to stop taking the one year old with you to swimming, leave them with DH.

Does he ever have them both alone?

Just to compare, we have a one year old and an almost four year old. Since we became parents, DH has one or both of them all or part of the day when he is off and I am at work. I go away for weekends, he is in sole charge. We take turns at lie ins at the weekend (proper lie ins too not 9am starts), he will take the pair of them anywhere and everywhere he needs or wants to go, and he doesnt even drive so on public transport too.

We parent totally equally. We each get dwntime and the other supports that.

Your DH is a dick.

Katarzyna79 · 14/11/2015 16:37

Yanbu. Im havijg a similar problem husband cant deal with 10 yr old having tantrums to avoid homework n wen we say no. Very rude lately stroppy looks like teen behaviour. I said will pass have to deal with it. He refuses to deal with it will go out if yheres an issues for more than 6 hrs or he provokes son makes it worse. apart from this no issues but im behinjing to lose hope this will bea deal breakrr.

If your partner is refusing now what if he continues wheb ur kids are 10 like my son
Needs sorting out now ive lost hope, dont want you feeling like this.

BertrandRussell · 14/11/2015 16:38

"its not fair i agree but if he has never done it he may just not be the type .my hubby would not have done that either to be honest i realised early on that my 3 sons activities playdates etc were my responsibility .my hubby has always been a good provider financially always kind to boys .but activities no way"

Whattype would that be? An adult human being?

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