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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to expect DH to look after our kids?

120 replies

PigsWiggle · 14/11/2015 13:57

I'm 100% sure I'm being totally reasonable but he says I'm not so I would love to hear an objective view.

We have 2 kids, 4 and 1.

On Saturday mornings I take our 4 year old to her swimming lesson, I take the 1 year old with me too.

After swimming we go to the park, feed the ducks, visit the library, go to the coffee shop, pop to the supermarket etc etc so we are normally out of the house for 3 to 4 hours.

Whilst I'm doing this my DH will either be doing overtime at work or at home doing chores/ housework.

This Saturday my DH is not working and I asked him to swop as I need to have a few hours uninterrupted time at home to go through our finances. (We are planning on getting a loan to do some building work and I want to work out where we can make cut backs and how much we can borrow).

He says "he can't" and "doesn't want to" take 2 kids swimming as it would be too hard looking after both. He says he will take the 4 year old swimming and leave 1 year old with me, I said no as that doesn't help me as can't focus on finances and look after baby. He says he will take both kids out later to park but I said no as that would not give me enough time.

He says I'm being totally unreasonable as he has told me all along he doesn't want to do it.
I've told him that he is being unfair, selfish and pathetic! I've told him it is hard work looking after 2 kids but I do it! I've told him that it is unfair that I should have to beg him to look after his own kids, they are his responsibility too! I find it unfair that on Saturday afternoons he gets to go out for 6 hours with his dad to footie while I look after kids, what would he say if I said "I can't" and "don't want to"??!

So after a week of squabbling about this he has won! I've taken both kids to swimming and he stayed at home. He is now at footie so I can't concentrate on finances and look after 2 kids.

I'm mad that I don't get to do what I wanted to do and I mad that he is making out I'm being totally unreasonable, I'm not an I???

OP posts:
Penfold007 · 14/11/2015 16:42

Your H has made it perfectly clear - he doesn't WANT to parent his children.

CurrerBellend · 14/11/2015 16:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CPtart · 14/11/2015 16:56

What was he like when you just had the one?
Was the second planned?

PennyHasNoSurname · 14/11/2015 17:02

Tbh if both kids going swimming together is more practical, then he should at least be taking turns. Swimming, park, lunch out while the other parent has downtime/does chores, and each do a week on/week off.

Doesnt sound like he actually wants to do his fair share.Whats the situation with bedtimes/bath times, kids parties, trips out? Does he do any of these?

Groovee · 14/11/2015 17:06

How would he cope in an emergency? When I landed up in hospital needing emergency surgery, I knew the kids were in safe hands!

Dh had both kids from an early age with no complaints and now they are teenagers.

CurrerBellend · 14/11/2015 17:16

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

petalsandstars · 14/11/2015 17:17

I think the swimming issue is getting confused, OP takes 4yo for a swimming lesson, taking the 1 yo with her. I do something very similar me and the younger child stay dry watching the 4yo in the water with the swimming teacher and get them dry in changing room after. Not having 2 kids in water together

Original poster
PigsWiggle · 14/11/2015 20:04

Thank you all so much for your replies, sorry for the delay in replying but its been a busy afternoon and now they are both asleep.

Just to answer some of your questions...

Yes he wanted to have kids, both children very much planned and wanted.

When I first asked him to look after them and he said he felt he couldn't I reminded him about how I felt when I first had baby number 2. I remember being tearful and anxious about him going back to work and feeling I would never cope getting my then 3 year old out to nursery on time or pick her up on time and look after newborn. But saying I couldn't do it was not an option and I just got on and did it and the reality was nowhere as bad as I'd feared, I just got on with it. He said it was different for me as I was their mum! I said he was being a dick and the only way to get confident was to do it, and really what was the worst that would happen??!! He said he told me no and that me going on was being unreasonable.

It is not an option to do finance stuff tomorrow as out all day at a family do. Can't do during week as either at work or looking after 1 year old. Next Sunday is my next option - if he'll take kids out for few hours!!

Just to clarify it is only 4 year old in pool with teacher, I'm just in waiting area with 1 year old watching.

He only goes to Footie every other weekend for home games and I really don't begrudge him that time - but I do when I can't do the things that I want or need to!

He is absolutely on board for building work and loan as is moaning that things aren't really progressing with our plans at the moment (as I really need to sort out finances to see what we can afford to go ahead with!!)

The reason he isn't doing finances is he leaves it all to me. I've shown him lots of times how to log on to our internet bbanking, transfer money to savings account etc but he doesn't really want to do it. I get worried every now and then that if something happened to me he would be completely clueless about where our money is! But we never argue about money he just trusts me to deal with it.

I don't know why I wouldn't accept his offer of just park. I think I was being abit ridiculous really! I just wanted him to do what I do every week so I had a few hours rather than just 1.

And I know it is a ridiculous argument to have for a week. I've learnt it is best not to spring things on him so thought asking a week in advance he would get use to the idea, I kept thinking it was not an unreasonable thing to ask so he would come around eventually.

Bath time, bed time are my responsibiliy about 80% of the time, it use to be 100% so that has improved. Parties, trips etc. are 100% me.

In an emergency he would definitely rely heavily on his mum to help out with kids!!

The "advice" that has stuck most with me is from "SingingHolly16". She is right, I am doing this to be a matyr and I'm raising kids to see this as normal. I can completely see me copying my own mum and dad's relationship - it needs to stop.

OP posts:
poorbuthappy · 14/11/2015 20:09

We have 3 kids. I do most stuff.
Me and dh had a stand up row in the middle of Cardiff when he decided he was going to go to Waterstones and I had to take all 3 of them to TK Maxx... I shouted bollocks and flounced off. Smile

RandomMess · 14/11/2015 20:10

Has he ever taken the 4 year old to the swimming lesson before? If not he does that one week and then the next time he takes both.

I agree you need to stop being a martyr, but he may need to be eased into doing more with both them regularly before taking on something that he perceives as being a big challenge.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 14/11/2015 20:11

You caved. He said no, you said no to his no. A game of chicken ensued and you were the biggest chicken: you took the children to swimming. Big mistake. Why did you cave? Do you always give in?

PuntasticUsername · 14/11/2015 20:23

Fucking hell, there's a lot of things he doesn't like doing, isn't there? What DOES he actually do that's useful?

Oldraver · 14/11/2015 20:25

Do you need to be at the family thing tomorrow ? I would send him off and spend a couple of hours at home..

This ridiculous situation needs knocking on the head. He can go on saying he doesn't want to look after his own kids

Oldraver · 14/11/2015 20:26

cant...

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 14/11/2015 20:36

If he wasn't working that saturday morning and tou ended up taking the kids swimming anyway, what did your dh do?.... Why on earth didn't he go with you! Atleast then he'd be able to get an idea of how to do it with you as a back up!

TelephoneIgnoringMachine · 14/11/2015 20:36

He doesn't want to /can't do the childcare. He doesn't want to / can't do the financial stuff. Does he believe himself inferior to you? Because he's certainly acting like he does. He needs to start taking an equal share of family responsibility before you decide you can manage it all without him.

Finola1step · 14/11/2015 20:59

There do seem to be a load of things your dh doesn't like doing. There are things I would rather nit do (putting out the recycling, cleaning the loo etc). But these are little things.

Parenting both dc at the same time, home finances - the two biggies really. Time to step back and make sure he gets used to parenting both his dc.

AppleAndBlackberry · 14/11/2015 21:00

He should do a lot more, but at the same time it is stressful taking a 1yo to watch swimming. My DH does loads with our children but he would prefer not to do the swimming. It's me that signed them up so it's my thing really although to be fair he does take them if we swap pickup days. Perhaps you need to let him build up to something like that by taking them to the park, spending more time with them at home etc etc. Agree with others that he should also come with you to swimming to see how it works. Also see if you can alternate bedtimes or do one child each.

CurrerBellend · 14/11/2015 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 14/11/2015 21:37

He sounds like a selfish arse - I hope he gets to read this - "Hi Mr Pigs you are a man child - grow up and be a parent rather than another child for your wife to look after!"

sorry had a crap day and not in the mood for entitled lazy men

WongTobyWong · 14/11/2015 22:35

He sounds just like my husband. You are not unreasonable at all. He's a lazy bastard, pure and simple. Learned helplessness...

WongTobyWong · 14/11/2015 22:37

And yes, do what expat suggested. I have, many times.

ShamefulPlaceMarker · 14/11/2015 23:26

It's not that hard looking after a 1 year old whilst the other child has a swimming lesson! I do it every week! Granted I never get to watch my son swim but it's pretty straight forward entertaining the younger one for half hour!

timeisnotaline · 15/11/2015 00:39

I think you really need to switch some things up and not just for this one-off. I would think seriously about not going to the family thing (he can still go with the children) to show him that you are serious. And incensed for you that he can moan abou t the finances without lifting a finger to help you do it much less do it himself. I'd pretty much go nuclear, but for me the idea that my partner can't parent our children is completely unacceptable. (I tend to make really snippy comments like 'if this was your job you'd be fired - how come you manage to look competent all day then come home and fail at x? They are two small children, don't you think you are a bit better than that?' that may not be helpful for you :D ) Otherwise I'm afraid you will just be stuck where you are where your functioning adult husband doesn't take responsibility for your children or your finances.

diddl · 15/11/2015 08:27

If the swimming arrangement usually works because he is at work or doing stuff around the house then that's fine.

The problem is that he is so inflexible & you let him be, OP.

He needs to know in future that in this situation, he does one thing or the other as they both need doing.

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