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AIBU?

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Original poster

Moving in to DH's house when I don't like it

82 replies

Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:23

I've moved across the world to live in DHs house that he has owned forever and I don't like it.

It's dated, naff and just plain ugly.

But, it's also big, airy and has a lot of potential. Also mortgage free.

I have suggested many changes to make it more to my liking (cover the bricks, landscape the garden) but he thinks I'm being a princess and want everything my own way. His typical answer is "the water in the pool is wet, what more do you want?". I want my own house - I'd rather sell this old relic of his old life, pool resources with mine and buy something we both love.

He just says one thing: I will never sell this house. No reason why. He just won't. I say " it's just real estate". He says, 'then buy your own house'.

I think he is BU, and a total duckwad.

OP posts:
grumpysquash · 13/11/2015 14:24

Did you know what the house was like before you moved?

Enjolrass · 13/11/2015 14:27

Hmm to be fair you did agree to move there.

Why is it such an issue now?

What's the problem? Is falling apart and needs work or is it cosmetic?

If it's cosmetic it needs to be a joint decision.

If it's falling down then Yanbu.

Pigeonpost · 13/11/2015 14:28

He sounds like an utter arse. Had you never seen the house before you moved? Is he always this 'it's my way or the highway' with things?

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:29

I moved from the UK to the house in NZ and had only seen a video of it before.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2015 14:32

He sounds tremendously inflexible. Which is a terrible thing in a partner when you've moved a long way to be with them.

On another note, if you are living rent-free then you definitely should buy your own property.

Enjolrass · 13/11/2015 14:32

Firstly do you own any of the house legally?

I have no idea how it works in NZ.

Is he very much 'my way or the highway ' in other things?

It sounds very difficult. I assume dh is from here? Do you know why he is so attached to the house?

How long has he lives in it?

MaxPepsi · 13/11/2015 14:33

He's BU

He doesn't need to sell. He just needs to make adjustments to make it your home.

Can you not start with decorating your main living area first and go from there? Do little things at a time then he will see that bigger things need to be done too.

P1nkP0ppy · 13/11/2015 14:33

Oh dear, not a promising start Hmm
Is it the family home, full of his memories etc?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 13/11/2015 14:33

You want him to "sell this relic of his old life", so he has to cut ties with HIS house because you think it's dated? Christ, some people would love to live in a big airy house with potential that's mortgage-free.

How long have you lived there? If someone moved in with me and within 5 minutes was listing all the things about my house they wanted to change, I'd be a bit agog too.

Loraline · 13/11/2015 14:35

My (now) DH moved into my flat when we first moved in together. The first thing we did was get new bedclothes to make the bedroom feel more 'ours' than 'mine'. Then we accommodated his furniture etc. with mine in the living room. The person whose house it is needs to help make it a home for the person moving in.

Lostcat2 · 13/11/2015 14:35

He sounds like he feels he is in control of your relationship and you.

Does he act like you should be grateful to him for marrying you.?

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:36

He is being an utter arse about this house. I asked him if he'd be willing to give up our relationship for a piece of real estate and he just told me to naff off. I feel I've moved across the world to be with him in his home country: I don't like his house, I want my own home (and I have my own means to contribute) and he just says no: he will never sell it. He told me to buy my own house (which I could, but it would be a tiny shack compared to this.)

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2015 14:43

Are you sure you made the right decision?

When I moved to be with DH, he gave me a set of 'I moved 5000 miles to be with you' wishes. To be used when I needed something. From him. Because culture shock and moving away form friends and family is hard.

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:44

Goodnight, you make a good point. Perhaps I'm treading on sensitive toes and I should just suck it up.

I just want to have my own house. Believe me, it would be a lot smaller than this one. But it would be mine.

OP posts:
Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:45

Oh Mrs Terry, can you come over for tea and a chat! I think I love you.

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2015 14:45

Lovely. I'm in Canada and will only fly for PG Tips! Brew

Lostcat2 · 13/11/2015 14:46

But surely the whole point of a relationship is that it's no longer me or mine it's ours?

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:48

Sorry, I'm sure it's bad form to only comment on my own thread but it's late here, very late, and there has been wine and I'm upset.

He is a lovely bloke and only wants the best for me. He just doesn't get that I want my own house that we chose together.

OP posts:
Jibberjabberjooo · 13/11/2015 14:49

Well to be fair if you moved I to my house and told me it was horrible and you wanted to change it as soon as you moved in, I'd be pissed off. It's his home.

Saying that, he does sound inflexible, who's idea was it for you to move? Was it the right decision? He's not sounding too enthused.

Loraline · 13/11/2015 14:49

I don't think it's unreasonable of him not to want to sell the house particularly but not discussing why, as an adult, and not being willing to make it look and feel more like your home too is very worrying.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2015 14:50

How long have you been there?

kate1516 · 13/11/2015 14:50

Why is the house important to him and why doesn't he want to change it?

If it is more than just real estate to him and full of memories then you should also try and understand that. You also are putting your relationship on the line for a piece of real estate by demanding he picks.

Having said that he needs to understand you have moved for him and he needs to make this home your home together. I think small changes first though - if you pushed for widespread change immediately I think i would be put out and feel like you were criticising me and my taste. But I would also get that for this to work you had to feel comfortable too.

Can you explain to him you feel like you are in his house not your house together and see what he suggests. If he won't budge at all then I think this might not be the relationship for you sorry.

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:51

Ah Terry, I am from Canada. I hope you like it there. I'm from QC. Where are you?! And yes, Lostcat, you would think that! We have pooled all our money, our wills, everything is joint. I just can't get him to see past this house!

OP posts:
Oliversmumsarmy · 13/11/2015 14:53

Think I would do what he suggests and buy somewhere of your own back in the uk.

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:54

You have all made great points. You're right. I think he sees my criticism as something personal and I should slowly slowly make changes rather than outright criticise.

I've gone from feeling all justified to feeling a bit humble.

OP posts:
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