Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving in to DH's house when I don't like it

82 replies

Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:23

I've moved across the world to live in DHs house that he has owned forever and I don't like it.

It's dated, naff and just plain ugly.

But, it's also big, airy and has a lot of potential. Also mortgage free.

I have suggested many changes to make it more to my liking (cover the bricks, landscape the garden) but he thinks I'm being a princess and want everything my own way. His typical answer is "the water in the pool is wet, what more do you want?". I want my own house - I'd rather sell this old relic of his old life, pool resources with mine and buy something we both love.

He just says one thing: I will never sell this house. No reason why. He just won't. I say " it's just real estate". He says, 'then buy your own house'.

I think he is BU, and a total duckwad.

OP posts:
PatriciaHolm · 13/11/2015 14:56

Of course you are upset. You've given up everything for this bloke, and he's being - at minimum - spectacularly thick about what that means to you. It may be his bricks and mortar, but it's now your home. And the "buy your own home" is also a horrible, mean thing to say, because he knows you won't as the whole reason was to be with him.

MrsTerryPratchett · 13/11/2015 14:56

I'm on the West coast. Lovely Vancouver Island. I hated it for years but I'm liking it right now. Our new PM doesn't hurt!

So he's grumpily digging his heels in then?

APlaceOnTheCouch · 13/11/2015 14:56

Yabu. He is being an arse. I may be biased as I have baggage in this area

By all means buy your own property if it would give you financial security but you still need to address his stubbornness and possessiveness about the house. It has to become your home too.

By calling you a princess, he's implying you're being precious when you should be being grateful. It's not the case. You've uprooted your life, he should be accommodating your ideas and wishes. You're his wife not a demanding house guest. You need to bash out a compromise on this as otherwise you're agreeing your relationship is unequal and that is a difficult dynamic to break.

LetGoOrBeDragged · 13/11/2015 14:59

You have mived across the world to be with him - the least he can do is to redecorate so you feel the house is your home too.

I couldn't stay with a man who refused to make any changes for me

Enjolrass · 13/11/2015 14:59

How long have you been there?

stealthbanana · 13/11/2015 15:00

I know this is deeply unhelpful, but did you not discuss this before you moved??

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 13/11/2015 15:01

Buy your own house. It'll give you an investment in case he actually turns out to be a proper arse, or even if he turns out to be lovely. It isn't nice to freeload off his mortgage free house. Nor is it sensible to leave yourself off the property ladder at someone else's whim for your continued roof over your head.

You could suggest to him that you would happily shut up about selling if the house felt more like it was your joint house rather than his bachelor pad, so you would like to decorate.

Personally, I'd buy my own place, just like he suggests.

Anniegetyourgun · 13/11/2015 15:07

And live in separate houses, do you mean?

It does seem a little, I dunno, pointless? to move to the other side of the world in order to not live with someone.

kate1516 · 13/11/2015 15:08

I think you have made a huge sacrifice to move to him. If he is the right one for you then he will understand and do something about it but maybe he is only seeing criticism and not that you just want to create a new home together to give you roots in this new place and not just feel like a guest.

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 15:08

You all make great points. I've gone from doubting myself to feeling like a WWF champion in 5 minutes (and one more glass of wine.)

I always say that second marriages mean you come to each other as fully formed humans with set ideas, stubbornness and prejudices.

I see ugly brick, he sees functional walls. I see a lovely pool, bare of furniture and needing loungers and sunshades and chairs and a table and he sees: wet water to swim in.

Perhaps I need to be more positive and change things one little tiny thing at a time.

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 13/11/2015 15:09

What do you mean by dated? A Victorian house is dated, but I wouldn't say no to it.

The changes you want seem to be to do with the outside appearance of the house. Does that really matter? I would concentrate much more, at least initially, on making the inside comfortable.

OTheHugeManatee · 13/11/2015 15:11

Call his bluff.

When DH and I first met, we moved in together in his house and I ended up moving out again because the territorial thing was doing both our heads in. He felt invaded whenever I wanted to change anything, and I felt like 'my' space was minuscule and I was mostly a guest in 'his' space.

When we finally moved back in together, it was on the strict understanding that we'd live together in his house just as long as it took to find somewhere that was 'ours'.

I think if you're the mover-in you can feel constantly at a disadvantage. The fact that you're halfway round the world as well means this is even more the case. I think he's being pretty thoughtless not to be making all the effort in the world to make you feel comfortable considering how far you've travelled to be with him.

So in your shoes I'd call his bluff. Rent a flat nearby and visit him for date nights (or don't, if you're cross enough). Carry on with your life. Make him see you're serious about the situation needing to change. If he still won't budge then you'll know you are second fiddle to the Big I Am and can make your long-term decisions about your future with this man based on knowing that he just doesn't care that much about you being comfortable.

I'm not just being a keyboard warrior here, advising people to do something they'd never do themselves. This is exactly what I did, in a similar situation, and it was the only thing that would have done it. Before then DH just didn't really get it, but it properly levelled the playing field when he realised I was serious and our married relationship has been far stronger for it.

Jibberjabberjooo · 13/11/2015 15:13

Could you buy something together and rent his out? Just a thought.

He needs to compromise as it's now your home too. Is he just not that fussed about what the house looks like?

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 15:17

Gruntled, no - we're in NZ so nothing Victorian here! Just old, dated tiles, old everything. Lots of bricks! Just ugly. Everything is green and terracotta with red bricks... It's like living in an orange room of ugliness.

We moved here from a 14 century cottage in the UK.

It might interest you to know, however, that we had many more spiders in England than we do here! Just a little fact for lovely Mumnsetters.

I've stopped complaining now. I just needed to vent. I don't know anyone here yet. DH has gone to bed in a huff an hour ago and I am contemplating sleeping on the sofa to "make my point". Which is silly. I'm an idiot.

OP posts:
OTheHugeManatee · 13/11/2015 15:19

Seriously, move out. Call his bluff. This is him telling you he wants everything on his terms and if you don't push back you will always, forever, be on the back foot in the relationship and that's no basis for a lasting marriage.

OTheHugeManatee · 13/11/2015 15:20

The relationship doesn't have to end, you can still spend all your time together, you'll just have 'your' place and he'll have 'his' until he sees sense.

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 15:21

Oh the Huge Manatees..... I will pay for your flight: come and give me some of your balls! Well done!

Seriously though, if it came to moving in to my own place, it wouldn't be here. I'd be back in the UK like a shot. And I do have my own money so it's not like he has power over me.

OP posts:
SmashleyHop · 13/11/2015 15:22

I feel for you OP- I also moved across the world to live with DH and moved into his home. Only he was more than willing for me to put "my stamp" on the place. Frankly his house was just a slap dash bachelor pad. I think he really wanted someone to make it a home. It's hard to leave everything you know and love behind. It would have been kinder of him to acknowledge that his taste might not be your taste and try to see what you both could do to make it feel more at home for you both.

Maybe try discussing it with him again. Ask if he would be opposed to you both going out and finding some decor you both love. Maybe he was over reacting and defensive about his choices and spoke out of anger?

Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 15:23

He suggested buying my own place.....But would I? I must dig around and try to find my balls..They were here last time I checked........

OP posts:
Original poster
Vagabond · 13/11/2015 15:24

Smash, that is good advice for a sober tomorrow. Late
here so, bye-sies from me and thanks MNetters for your company. xx

OP posts:
Seeyounearertime · 13/11/2015 15:26

Could I suggest a compromise of a LadyShed. I'm sure they do similar in NZ?
Basically a little haven in the garden that is your space to do with as you wish.
www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-3047633/Is-ultimate-sanctuary-Rise-shed-women-demand-oasis-calm-bottom-garden-away-chaos-family-life.html

HellonHeels · 13/11/2015 15:32

This is kind of irrelevant but there are actually Victorian houses in New Zealand!

HellonHeels · 13/11/2015 15:33

And OP your husband is being quite selfish - and rude.

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 13/11/2015 15:38

Thing is, he owns this and doesn't have to pay a mortgage - selling it any buying something else is going to incur costs - unnecessary costs TBH.

Why go through all the rigamarole of moving, surveys, paying through the nose for it all to buy something that won't be different enough to warrant all the hassle.

Once I own my house, I'd never leave it "just because".

I assume you moved over to NZ based on slightly more that "I hope he's got a nice house"??

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/11/2015 15:42

" I asked him if he'd be willing to give up our relationship for a piece of real estate and he just told me to naff off."
You have made a huge change in your life, for him; and he won't even redecorate for you? That's one swinging mismatch in what each of you will do for each other.

Don't buy yourself a new property or a Ladyshed. Buy yourself a plane ticket Angry.