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Original poster

Moving in to DH's house when I don't like it

82 replies

Vagabond · 13/11/2015 14:23

I've moved across the world to live in DHs house that he has owned forever and I don't like it.

It's dated, naff and just plain ugly.

But, it's also big, airy and has a lot of potential. Also mortgage free.

I have suggested many changes to make it more to my liking (cover the bricks, landscape the garden) but he thinks I'm being a princess and want everything my own way. His typical answer is "the water in the pool is wet, what more do you want?". I want my own house - I'd rather sell this old relic of his old life, pool resources with mine and buy something we both love.

He just says one thing: I will never sell this house. No reason why. He just won't. I say " it's just real estate". He says, 'then buy your own house'.

I think he is BU, and a total duckwad.

OP posts:
IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 13/11/2015 15:45

You have made a huge change in your life, for him; and he won't even redecorate for you?

But she didn't, she weighed straight in with "I don't like your house even though you do, lets move to somewhere I do like" - that'd piss me off too & it'd certainly set the mood for any conversations around it for the next couple of weeks....

HerRoyalNotness · 13/11/2015 15:45

You don't say how long you've been there. If only a couple of mths, give it time before you start changing things up. And how hard is it just to go out and buy some outdoor furniture if you have money with which to do so!?

Live with it, appreciate the situation you find yourself in (living in nz, large airy mortgage free house with pool, and with your DH)

Go out, make friend, get a job, a hobby. The less time you spend in the house you may like it!

BestZebbie · 13/11/2015 15:46

What is actually so special to him about the house? Is it where he grew up? Where he had a previous partner/raised/children/was young and free? Very convenient for his current lifestyle and therefore would be a faff to move, and he can't be bothered? Represents the feeling of success/adulthood/independence/screw you that he felt when buying it first? Knowing this will give you a bit more insight on his position.

pictish · 13/11/2015 15:47

I've read what everyone has to say and I think he's being totally selfish. He's basically telling you that this is your house for the rest of your life and if you don't like it you can lump it. And you don't like it, so you are lumping it. "Buy your own house." - what a wanker.
I'd not be happy about it and frankly it would make me question everything.

HPsauciness · 13/11/2015 15:50

I wouldn't be making life changing decisions after a night of flared tempers and wine drinking.

It sounds like you hit a huge nerve there by slagging off his house. It sounds like this is more than bricks and mortar to him, he bought it presumably by himself, and felt personally attacked (as you said his taste is crap!)

Equally, he has to appreciate that to move forward as a couple, you need to have a house you can both live in and enjoy.

Does no-one else have arguments in which bad things are said, but once you calm down again, negotiation and compromise can be reached?

pictish · 13/11/2015 15:51

At the very least he should be amenable to giving the place a much needed overhaul.
Nah - I'd be checking flight times home. This is important to you and the miserable git doesn't care. You say he only wants the best for you? That patently isn't true is it?

pictish · 13/11/2015 15:52

Was this a one off row or an ongoing issue? I assumed it to be ongoing.

Wineandrosesagain · 13/11/2015 15:53

Your DH is being very selfish and uncaring, imho. You need to feel that this is your home and currently it doesn't feel that way because he is not making space there for you. If he continues down this road, you'll always feel like a guest (in a rather ugly hotel Smile) and I think that eventually you will start to doubt how much he cares for you Sad

IKnowIAmButWhatAreYou · 13/11/2015 15:59

Nah - I'd be checking flight times home.

And I'd be waving you off!! Grin

pictish · 13/11/2015 16:06

I had a friend who went through something similar. She moved (but only across the country) to move in to her bloke's house. She wasn't allowed to change anything even after three years...which is how long it took her to sack him off.

GruntledOne · 13/11/2015 16:10

Is there any reason why you can't just buy a couple of loungers and a table for the pool? Suggest to him that the point is not to make the water wetter but for both of you to be able to enjoy the garden together?

LikeASoulWithoutAMind · 13/11/2015 16:16

I think he's being pretty selfish - you've moved all the way around the world for him! I don't think it's at all unreasonable to want to make the house yours rather than his. You're not the lodger.

SoupDragon · 13/11/2015 16:17

How long have you been there?

pictish · 13/11/2015 16:19

Exactly - you're not the lodger.

Iflyaway · 13/11/2015 16:21

I'd be back to UK in a shot or similar, you said.

Well, I'd also be buying that flight ticket.

You gave up everything in UK to be with him and he won't even consider your input into his now both of your's house?! Horribly selfish of him.

You know, there's nothing wrong with saying "Well, I tried, but it didn't work out".

Better to bail out now - if you want - than 10 years down the line with possible kids in the mix.

Jibberjabberjooo · 13/11/2015 16:27

I think you need to talk to him when you both haven't been drinking wine.

MyLifeisaboxofwormgears · 13/11/2015 16:33

It sounds like he doesn't care what he lives in and doesn't seem to understand you do care and doesn't care that you care.

He sounds a nightmare really.

Will he react this way to any idea you have? It will only get worse BTW

lorelei9 · 13/11/2015 16:47

has this become overly dramatic due to the phrasing?

is he really attached to his home and rather than you say "I need to make some changes to feel I belong" you have said "I hate it, change it all or sell up" and now he's reacting to that?

I just wondered because there seem to be a lot of ups and downs in your posts.

WoodHeaven · 13/11/2015 16:50

I agree with Smash.
I moved countries to be with DH and moved into his house.
He never saw any issues in me wanting to change things. we did it together and changed what was 'his' house' to what became 'our' house.

I think it's something very important actually. You can't live in a house where you constantly feel like you are just a visitor and it isn't your place too.
I also do NOT agree with the idea that it is his house etc... It was until they got married and pooled all the assets together.
If he really wants to keep that house the way it is (let's saay it's coming from his grand parents and has a lot of memories for him), then the next step would be to find another place to live together, a place that will be theirs rather than his.

The issue here isn't your difference in pov, we all have them, regardless of the age. The issue is that he is refusing to discuss the arrangement of your (together) house and wants things to be his way, like how they were before.
Seeing that you have been living together in the UK, how were things then? Did you have the same pattern of @It will be the way I want it' or is it just that house?

blankblink · 13/11/2015 16:56

Maybe he's not able to visualise the type of changes you are suggesting. Some people really cannot see a change in their mind's eye and need a little more help.

If you can, use one of the online decorating programmes to show him your suggestions for making the place "more homely" be very careful with your choice of words, not better, an improvement or anything else that suggests his taste is ahem dated or unwanted or below standard.

You could start a Pinterest page and ask him what he thinks of certain styles. It's important to get him on board about creating a home you both love.

If he resists your charm offensive, you can suggest he rents it out and you and he buy a new (to you) place together, one where you are both equal.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 13/11/2015 17:39

You keep saying you want "your own" house, yet you begrudge him having his own house? How is that fair?

Also you haven't said how long you've been there that I can see. I'd give it time, once his defences drop he'll probably be more open to change.

MorrisZapp · 13/11/2015 17:49

Totally feel your pain but how on earth did you get to the point of being married and crossing the world together without discussion of where you would live?

How can your life partner be so oblivious to your tastes and expectations?

He sounds like a casual bf, not a husband.

FinallyHere · 13/11/2015 17:50

When we got together, we each already had our own places. We agreed that it wouldn't work to move into either place, that we would each sell up and get a new place together. [helpful]

It took awhile and a job move each before we could live in the same place. It was a tad rocky when we first mived in together. We had before had m pkace m rues and suddenly it seemed all the rules needed to be renegociated, and we each wanted it as it was before. Took a good year til we got shaken down.

I feel sympathies on both sides: can you find a compromise together. Hope you find what works for you.

Jux · 13/11/2015 17:56

It doesn't sound like he wants the best for you, it sounds like he wants the best for him.

Is he uncooperative and uncompromising on other things? Look at this life you have. This is what it will be.

Scremersford · 13/11/2015 20:08

You don't sound very compatible, or as if you have much in common.

How bad is this house? Can you not furnish it with your own pieces and do a bit of painting and decorating yourself?

At least it has a pool. Is he a keen swimmer, or is it a fun pool? If he's the former, I'm wondering even more what you have in common.