Moving in to DH's house when I don't like it

[Vagabond]

I've moved across the world to live in DHs house that he has owned forever and I don't like it.

It's dated, naff and just plain ugly.

But, it's also big, airy and has a lot of potential. Also mortgage free.

I have suggested many changes to make it more to my liking (cover the bricks, landscape the garden) but he thinks I'm being a princess and want everything my own way. His typical answer is "the water in the pool is wet, what more do you want?". I want my own house - I'd rather sell this old relic of his old life, pool resources with mine and buy something we both love.

He just says one thing: I will never sell this house. No reason why. He just won't. I say " it's just real estate". He says, 'then buy your own house'.

I think he is BU, and a total duckwad.

Screme the OP said her DH was even resistant to landscaping. I read it as though he's refusing to let the OP change anything and is so resistant that he tells her to buy her own place if she even suggests changes.

OP it's not about having balls, it's about recognising that an unequal relationship is no relationship and taking steps to ensure mutual respect and compromise. It does actually go both ways: I had to let go of living in London, because DH hates it, but I had red lines too and being permanently on the back foot in his house was one of them. Right now it sounds like you're doing all the compromising, and convincing yourself that trying to coax him ever so slowly into permitting you to move or change stuff in what is now YOUR house.

As others have said, this life you have is how it's going to be. If you're unhappy - and alarm bells should be ringing IMO - you need to call his bluff.

OP, how long have you lived there?

is this an immediate aversion (perhaps not fair) or have you given it a chance but he still isn't letting you make any decisions about the house?

APlace Screme the OP said her DH was even resistant to landscaping. I read it as though he's refusing to let the OP change anything and is so resistant that he tells her to buy her own place if she even suggests changes.

I know, but landscaping can mean changing the entire character of a garden. If its a grassy lawn or meadow type garden with lots of plants and wildflowers, and she wants lockbloc and decking, I think I'd be on his side on that one.

Is there sixty minute makeover nz?
Kidding.
Maybe try to get him involved? New decor for your new start.

Op be warned your dh will just get more and more set in his ways the older he gets.

You could quote Oscar Wildes last words to him "Either that wallpaper goes or I do"

Well, thank you all for all your comments. I do appreciate them.

I have been here for 10 months, by the way.

I think I approached it too aggressively with "I don't like this, I don't like that" and it made him feel rejected when he feels that he has provided us with a very large and comfortable house in a great area. Which is true.

Ironically, we had some friends (his oldest friends of 30 years who have accepted me so well) around today for a BBQ who helped us design a landscaping plan. They have a similar house to us and have just re-modeled their bathrooms and suggested how we could do the same on a decent budget. DH is actually quite willing to do these things...I guess it's my approach that needs to be more softly-softly and less princessy.

When I said I wanted 'my own home'. I have always dreamed of buying my own home - ie., -viewing houses, making a choice, moving in and it really being mine/ours (my choice).

DH doesn't see ugliness. He just sees functionality. I could literally walk downstairs with no make up and a scrunchie in my hair on a Saturday night when we're going out and he'd ask me "so, you ready to go? - Let's go!".

I guess the 'water is wet' comment works both ways.

My lesson: don't discuss these things after a long session on the booze. Err, and then post on mumsnet.

I feel silly and humbled. (But still a bit righteous!). thank you!