Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

F***** iff with husband, f***** off with self!!! Self pitying rant alert...

92 replies

SugarDoh · 10/11/2015 20:13

Just need to rant. Dh and I recently 'swapped' roles for lots of good reasons and its made our family a 1000 times more stable. I do the ft, stressful job and he works more flexibly. Give him credit he does work and has various stresses but part time, on his terms, and the deal was he'd step back to help with children and I'd step up. Today I left the house at 6.30am, I worked full on all day, I got home at 6.45pm - I haven't eaten, drank and desperately needed toilet not to mention horrendous headache brewing. I was immediately told I was putting screaming toddler who had slept for an hour late in the day (fateful mistake) to bed. When I suggested I would just like to get a drink and eat something I'm immediately met with well I've had them all day (wtf does he think I've been doing for the past four years!!) so you need to have them now. After an hour of him (ds2) screaming at me (i've been in there with him, coaxing him, singing, holding his hand, sitting quietly) I've lost my temper, stormed out ds's room to which dh just says, after sitting on the sofa for hour oh well I'll deal with him and has gone in like saviour. I am really angry at myself for storming out his room, I'm really upset I've not seen them all day and all I get is screaming and I react like this, I'm really upset my toddler who was ebf till a few months ago and always with me has seemingly completely rejected me now I've started work, I suddenly feel I don't matter in my family. And I'm really upset that I'm working my arse off for our family (albeit in a role I love and it was a joint decision between me and dh) and feel like a spare part in my home. Not one person said hello when I walked in the door, there was no dinner when everyone else had had dinner, the mail was all on the table for me to sort, ds1 school forms all out for me to sort, etc.
Basically I'm ranting, I'm sad, I'm upset and I've just done the worst parenting of my life and I want to blame my dh, but really I'm just bloody cross at myself and upset! Full time working mummy life sucks!!!

OP posts:
MagicMojito · 10/11/2015 20:16
Wine
Sighing · 10/11/2015 20:18
Wine
JenniferYellowHat1980 · 10/11/2015 20:19

That sounds full on. I've had a similar day. Your DH is out of order announcing that bedtime duty is yours, but I have to admit I have occasionally taken my DH similarly for granted when I'm on holiday and therefore off all day with the DCs.

It's actually been. Tough day for both of you I imagine. Can you make time for refreshment within your working day in future? Easier said than done, I know - If the loo wasn't immediately next to my room I wouldn't have even had time for that today.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 10/11/2015 20:22

Oh dear! Why was there no dinner for you? Do you mean DH cooks for everyone else & you make your own? Unless you eat very different meals to everyone else that seems rather mean.

I have been both sides (as have you) & can see if from both sides TBH. I'm not sure what DH was doing taking an hour out on the sofa though! I'm sure I may have had some horrendous days with DS1 (ASD) & toddler DS2 when they were little (18 & 14 now) and tasked DH with sorting one or other out almost as soon as he got home. More from sheer desperation than anything! I wouldn't have been parking my arse on the sofa though, I would have been sorting out the other child. And I would have made his dinner & a drink for him too.

Are you still happy in general with the arrangement you made? Or do either of you have regrets now?

Have Wine and Flowers.

MagicMojito · 10/11/2015 20:22

Sounds stressful, I wish I had some advice but tbh I'm the last person you'd want it from right now, considering how my home life is Blush

Keep telling yourself what I do, that at some point its just GOT to get easier.

Flowers
Original poster
SugarDoh · 10/11/2015 20:27

I'm a researching lecturer - today I just rushed from lecture to lecture and met with panicking students in any gaps in the middle - I absolutely love it but it is very draining. And I do understand my dh's point of view. Ds1 can be full on but mostly good but ds2 is in a phase of full on nightmare - continuous tantrums, up and down all night (which we both share) and a proper handful (though I have to say can be delightful at the same time!). I do understand how wearing having both of them can be, just suddenly feel real outside of it now. I suppose it is just about adjustments and getting used to new ways for me, dh and children. At least I ranted here and not at dh. He just tried to talk to me to ask if I was ok and I burst into tears and told him I couldn't talk now and sent him away. I am sitting in my study upset and trying to finish off writing emails for students!

OP posts:
IonaNE · 10/11/2015 20:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

CatThiefKeith · 10/11/2015 20:30

Iona that's a horrible thing to say. Where had the op called her dc a chore or a burden?

rednsparkley · 10/11/2015 20:31

IonaNE Biscuit what an empathetic response

PuntasticUsername · 10/11/2015 20:31

Iona, have a Biscuit

OP, sounds as if you both had a shit day. Have a Wine and a cuddle and hopefully a good night's sleep.

MrsBalustradeLanyard · 10/11/2015 20:32

Oh do one, Iona. Hmm

OP ignore the goady twat. Have a glass of wine. A lot has changed in the balance of your household and it's going to take some (nice) conversations to work out the wrinkles.

takemetomars · 10/11/2015 20:33

IonaNE - NOT helpful. And mean
OP, rant away. It will get better and its hood to have a moan

Onthepigsback · 10/11/2015 20:34

Really difficult situation. I think he was pretty mean to you. Not having dinner ready when he and the kids had eaten is so thoughtless (at best). I would never dump the kids on my OH the moment he came in the door from a full day at work unless I was having a rare breakdown myself and it would be clear that I was a mess and I would also be apologising later for doing that (and he would be telling me not to worry and asking what else he could do to help). So I feel that the balance us wrong with you guys at the moment. He obviously feels you owe him or something for minding the kids. I'd discuss with him about 1. Not setting you up to fail when you walk in yhe door and 2. How you can help once you get home in a way that doesn't make you feel like he is getting revenge on you.

Original poster
SugarDoh · 10/11/2015 20:34

IonaNE I am going to assume you are either a troll or a simply just a very nasty person. My children are adored and if you read the post carefully you will see that it is the impact on my children that I am most upset about. I have done nothing in my life since having them but be the best mother I know how to and given them everything I can. Quite frankly how dare you - I don't expect you not to challenge me but what a narrow minded, nasty thing to say. Your post says far more about you than it does about me!!!

OP posts:
slugseatlettuce · 10/11/2015 20:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MagicMojito · 10/11/2015 20:34

My kids can be a chore at times daily so sue me.

SolidGoldBrass · 10/11/2015 20:38

Poor you. Sounds thoroughly grim.
I expect your H is a decent bloke doing his best, but part of the reason why you are feeling quite so shitty is the thousands of years of propaganda to the effect that domestic work is for women and a man should be the Head Of The Household. There's also the matter of 'emotional labour' - if it was your H who was the WOHP then all the stuff like school forms and remembering birthdays would be your job as SAHP. Women are just expected to do the childcare and all the domestic shitwork, where as a man who is SAHP expects to be praised and admired for doing about 1/2 - 3/4 of what a woman would be required to do...

So the two of you can adjust, but it's going to take time and good communication.

Crabbitface · 10/11/2015 20:39
Wine
Tangoandcreditcards · 10/11/2015 20:41

OP. I feel your pain.

I work FT (long commute) my DP WFH PT and looks after toddler DS, I'm also 33 weeks pg. I think it's hard when bad days at home for him coincide with bad days at work for me and he "needs" me to take DS who is doing his head in but I "need" to decompress and pee. I cry sometimes too. Most days it's fine but when it isn't it's most likely no-one's fault.

Handbag snacks are important for days like that. And immediate Wine on re-entry for you. (would that I could)

Rest easy.

BifsWif · 10/11/2015 20:42

Well Iona clearly doesn't have children Hmm

have some Wine OP, tomorrow is a new day. It's a big change for all of you but you'll find your feet.

Original poster
SugarDoh · 10/11/2015 20:43

Thank you solid and now I'm feeling less emotional I entirely agree. My husband is a wonderful and supportive man, but also has to adjust to this 'new' way of doing things. We both recognise that overall it has been an improvement for our family, but it is a hard adjustment. He mostly enjoy the time with the kids, but I feel tremendous pressure to be the ideal mother and ideal person in my job, and I simply can't be both, I cannot do it all. so part of it is about him stepping up to that, but I do think the other part is about me letting go of some it also.

Thank you for the kind posts from so many of you.

OP posts:
seasidesally · 10/11/2015 20:43

its no differrent then a man working all day etc and the women moans on MN that she has had the kids all day and MN advice is that DH should put the kids to bed and help in the evening and give the SAHP a break

Castrovalva · 10/11/2015 20:44

We have a set up like yours. There needs to be rules for the person getting in. Otherwise it is just hell on wheels.

One 'rule' we have is that when I get in I get the time it takes to drink a cup of tea to sit IN PEACE. Cuddles allowed, but no having to start on tasks. Unless someone has just puked or pooed.

If bedtimes get delayed so be it.

Oh actually the other rules are, my cup of tea is ready when I get in and I get a 'hello' and or a kiss, from at least one family member. (Or the dog)

Some days you will be the returning hero when you get in. Other days you will feel like the fun police.

Hang in there though it does get easier Flowers

Biscuitsneeded · 10/11/2015 20:45

Iona, do you HAVE children? Every working parent knows that running the bedtime gauntlet after a day at work can reduce the most patient person to a gibbering wreck. And every stay-at-home parent knows that it MUST be the other parent's turn to do bedtime when you have laboured at the child-face all day. And every part-time working parent knows that you can never do justice to your job OR to your children, and there is just never enough time...

It's all quite shit, but tomorrow might go better, and probably both of you are trying your hardest. Your DC love you even if you do sometimes lose your temper. (At least, I bloody hope mine do). Have glass of wine and try again tomorrow.

RoseWithoutAThorn · 10/11/2015 20:47

I wonder what the responses would have been if this had been posted from a DH? Judging from some of the threads I've read on here DH's should come in from work and take over the children as they've had a "rest" at work.

Swipe left for the next trending thread