F***** iff with husband, f***** off with self!!! Self pitying rant alert...

[SugarDoh]

Just need to rant. Dh and I recently 'swapped' roles for lots of good reasons and its made our family a 1000 times more stable. I do the ft, stressful job and he works more flexibly. Give him credit he does work and has various stresses but part time, on his terms, and the deal was he'd step back to help with children and I'd step up. Today I left the house at 6.30am, I worked full on all day, I got home at 6.45pm - I haven't eaten, drank and desperately needed toilet not to mention horrendous headache brewing. I was immediately told I was putting screaming toddler who had slept for an hour late in the day (fateful mistake) to bed. When I suggested I would just like to get a drink and eat something I'm immediately met with well I've had them all day (wtf does he think I've been doing for the past four years!!) so you need to have them now. After an hour of him (ds2) screaming at me (i've been in there with him, coaxing him, singing, holding his hand, sitting quietly) I've lost my temper, stormed out ds's room to which dh just says, after sitting on the sofa for hour oh well I'll deal with him and has gone in like saviour. I am really angry at myself for storming out his room, I'm really upset I've not seen them all day and all I get is screaming and I react like this, I'm really upset my toddler who was ebf till a few months ago and always with me has seemingly completely rejected me now I've started work, I suddenly feel I don't matter in my family. And I'm really upset that I'm working my arse off for our family (albeit in a role I love and it was a joint decision between me and dh) and feel like a spare part in my home. Not one person said hello when I walked in the door, there was no dinner when everyone else had had dinner, the mail was all on the table for me to sort, ds1 school forms all out for me to sort, etc.
Basically I'm ranting, I'm sad, I'm upset and I've just done the worst parenting of my life and I want to blame my dh, but really I'm just bloody cross at myself and upset! Full time working mummy life sucks!!!

And breathe what stands out to me is dh should have dinner ready for you, he should also sort out the admin. To expect you to come in and not eat is v unfair,

seaside yeah, but also that it isn't fair that the person (of either or indeterminate gender) coming into the house gets a short break when they get in before they work TOGETHER to do the evening jobs.

Tomorrow is another day, and none of us are perfect.

get a cleaner that should help things round the house and stop you both stressing out

Now imagine a role reversal....father comes home from a stressful day to a mad house, mummy wants a break so does immediate handover...everyone is in fully supportive mode "they are daddies kids too"...oh my word..posts like op wind me up!!! Love a single mummy who does both jobs

Ignore the twatty posts.

Must admit I am with surprise.

Hmm I see both sides. You shouldn't have been told to put dc to bed, you should have been asked to help after a drink and some food. He should have saved you some food.

However, many people say childcare should be 50/50 when both parents are at home. And my oh works ft and I pt and when I was on maternity I found it upsetting that he didn't want to spend time with ds straight away. I know all I want to do is give him a big cuddle when I get home from work!

So, I see both sides. Working ft is hard but so is being at home with children all day. I think it would be helpful for you both to sit down when the children are in bed and discuss expectations and have a bit of a plan.

Hope tomorrow is a better day for you! And that he saves you some food (cheeky bastard!)

Biscuitsneeded that's a great post.

OP I do think your DH should have given you some time - to eat, drink and use the loo - when you got in. But I don't really understand why you went - in future say no, I'm not doing it until I've seen to these basic needs.

Also if someone lets a toddler have a nap late in the day, they are soooo in charge of bedtime.

And anyone making food for the family needs to make enough for the person coming in from work. Anything else is just mean.

I don't think mnetters expect DHs to come in and take over everything immediately, without any chance to eat or drink or use the loo.

Op was, as i read it, quite willing to do the bedtime once she had seen to these basic needs.

I agree with Biscuitsneeded. don't think either of you are being unreasonable/ out of order, to be honest. It's just a really, really tough situation and sometimes days are like this. Sorry. I'd suggest just taking some time on your own to calm down, feel better, etc. and don't talk to your husband till you feel you can do it without it all turning into an argument.

I've seen a few posts where they do, usually preceded by the 'I've had them all day' complaint (and I do understand where Ionas coming from to be honest. Contraception is free.)

Does he never leave you any dinner?

Please don't misunderstand the rant, please read the last part as that is the most important part to me - I'm upset at myself, I miss my children, I'm struggling to adjust to this new way of life. This isn't about whether I had dinner or not, or needed to put children to bad. I recognise all the benefits it brings our family but my children are upset with it and reacting. I'm sad, I love my children, love my husband, I recognise I have it really good really I do, just have had a bad day and struggling to deal. I didn't mean to offend anyone. And I'm really upset that I stormed out my child's bedroom - I have never, NEVER done that before - I feel ashamed.

I don't think anyone's offended Sugar

If my son had been screaming at me I'd have walked out as well (happy to retract that statement if your son has additional needs but otherwise I think you did the right thing to be honest.)

maybe DH is finding it hard going to with childcare/home/working

maybe it's worth discussing how you can both make it work,cleaner,convenience food sometime etc etc

you have both just started new roles there is bound to be teething issues

I'm in a very similar position to you OP: I'm an academic working full time and my husband is retired and a SAHD. I admit freely that I didn't spend an awful lot of time at home with the DDs when they were babies and in the early days we did take advantage of my DSDs and then au pairs.

However, he is the primary carer now and also looks after his DGS. My work life is more pressurised than his was, due to various changes within my University which he doesn't understand because he left before they took effect, but sometimes it is a real battle to get him to understand that I have a workload that is 100x more than his was and that I'm accountable to so many people for so many reasons.

I, on the other hand, often fail to realise how difficult it is to manage 2 young children and a baby, especially as he is now approaching 70.

I think that you are in a period of huge transition, OP and that you are both going to make mistakes and be upset and angry. The main thing to remember is that this time will pass. You will both settle into your new roles and form your own ways of dealing with it all. You both need to realise that the other may have had a stressful day (I admit I am crap at this and always think my day is more stressful because I've been working) and lean on each other for support.

You can get through this. You've had a shit day. It happens. Tomorrow is another one. Look after yourselves and keep talking and hugging and loving each other.

I, on the other hand, often fail to realise how difficult it is to manage 2 young children and a baby, especially as he is now approaching 70.

wow he must have fantastic energy levels and patience of a saint

no grumpy old man there

He has just made me a lovely thai curry - I think we both realise we had bad days and need to lean into each other more, rather than away from each other!!

get a bit of time for yourself, have lunch if you can!

Have a cup of tea and a snack in the motorway station/caf/anywhere and sit in blissful silence in your car for 10 minutes with NO GUILT

and THEN you go home

do this do this do this

I did it today, with a Daily Mail (shoot me now ) and orange juice, a coffee and a donut. Sat in the petrol station courtyard for 15 minutes. regained my sanity. Then went home.

Why do we have children if everyone's just desperate to get as far away from them as possible I wonder

Hmm. I don't think you're being treated very fairly here by your DH.

There's no recognition of the fact that you've worked a very long day.

I can understand that your DH might be frustrated by dealing with the toddler, but surely that's his job?

And ditto making a meal. Why was there no meal for you? Surely this is part of the deal if you're working full time?

Working full time as a mother doesn't need to suck - but it sounds like your DH is making it so. What was the arrangement between you exactly? It doesn't sound like he's actually fulfilling his role here.

What would really grind my gears about what happened is that he forced you to do toddler bedtime so he could sit on the sofa.

The "let him do bath and bedtime" advice is that the SAHM (as a woman) should get a break from the children so she can do other household chores.

It's a bit much to think that the moment you walk through the door he gets to clock off entirely and all childcare, domestic work, and household admin becomes yours.

Leavingsosoon, I wouldn't...