F***** iff with husband, f***** off with self!!! Self pitying rant alert...

[SugarDoh]

Just need to rant. Dh and I recently 'swapped' roles for lots of good reasons and its made our family a 1000 times more stable. I do the ft, stressful job and he works more flexibly. Give him credit he does work and has various stresses but part time, on his terms, and the deal was he'd step back to help with children and I'd step up. Today I left the house at 6.30am, I worked full on all day, I got home at 6.45pm - I haven't eaten, drank and desperately needed toilet not to mention horrendous headache brewing. I was immediately told I was putting screaming toddler who had slept for an hour late in the day (fateful mistake) to bed. When I suggested I would just like to get a drink and eat something I'm immediately met with well I've had them all day (wtf does he think I've been doing for the past four years!!) so you need to have them now. After an hour of him (ds2) screaming at me (i've been in there with him, coaxing him, singing, holding his hand, sitting quietly) I've lost my temper, stormed out ds's room to which dh just says, after sitting on the sofa for hour oh well I'll deal with him and has gone in like saviour. I am really angry at myself for storming out his room, I'm really upset I've not seen them all day and all I get is screaming and I react like this, I'm really upset my toddler who was ebf till a few months ago and always with me has seemingly completely rejected me now I've started work, I suddenly feel I don't matter in my family. And I'm really upset that I'm working my arse off for our family (albeit in a role I love and it was a joint decision between me and dh) and feel like a spare part in my home. Not one person said hello when I walked in the door, there was no dinner when everyone else had had dinner, the mail was all on the table for me to sort, ds1 school forms all out for me to sort, etc.
Basically I'm ranting, I'm sad, I'm upset and I've just done the worst parenting of my life and I want to blame my dh, but really I'm just bloody cross at myself and upset! Full time working mummy life sucks!!!

But Skully - what if the SAHP has also been on duty for 12 hours?

Eek - was in your position for years. Generally, we didn't do bedtime. I would come in, say hello to whoever was awake (my eta was some time between 7 and 11) and check who hadn't eaten / had eaten so long ago that they were hungry again and cook for whoever was interested. Not too what DH did before I got home but it certainly wasn't anything vaguely domesticated and he didn't ever attempt to impose any sort of bedtime routine. DCs survived unscathed and I was never particularly stressed. I think the trick is not to do anything that isn't essential or fun and to prioritise enjoying being with your DCs in the time available.

Agree Skully and I am the sahp

Oh yum thai curry. Enjoy!

Going to read the thread BUT my DH works similar long days. When he gets home at 7pm his meal is ready, the kids are in their PJ's having had baths/stories/tea. He literally has a poo, then it's all hands to the deck for 45 mins. I say all hands to the deck but actually DH has a lie down in the kids bedroom and they all nod off together. About 8pm he gets up, eats his evening meal, sorts the recycling out, puts tomorrows clothes/breakfast out for himself, puts his plate in the dishwasher, starts the dishwasher and sit down with a glass of wine and the telly. While he's putting the kids to bed I will tidy the kitchen and get the kids stuff ready for the next day. I put my feet up at 8pm

I am where you are - 2 years further down the line. It does get easier. I have found thathe DH does less than I did as the one at home and it does take a bit of working out. He just doesn't see stuff that needs doing. Its not that he sees it as my job - he sees it all as ours - he just doesnt see dirt or mess and is a bit last minute about everything whilst I'm an anal retentive planner. We just have a different approach. Things that work for us:

Keep an open dialogue of what's happening in both your lives.
Have rules - I always have to have a cup of tea with the DDs before we get on with bed time (unless I'm home late then I do pitch straight in to story time).
Don't sweat the small stuff
Don't over compensate for not being there - DD2 is a mummy magnet and takes a while to get used to anything do settling her into the new routine was tricky. But we got there. Now if I miss her for more than one night we have difficulty settling her so I have to be rigid about home time or its horrid for everyone.

Really don't sweat the small stuff
Get a cleaner (he really doesn't see dirt - money totally well spent).
Home cooked freezer ready meals

I totally get your frustration. I have been there and had far worse parenting moments. It does get better

I think basically both working parent and SAHP need the same amount of down time over the course of a week.

Our set is similar to sunny.

seasidesally - yes he is a saint, but they are his children and grandchild and, with the latter, he has been keen to be involved with the care of.

Any new routine within a family takes time to embed. The main thing is for the children to feel loved and supported. As long as that happens then it doesn't really matter who, if anyone, stays at home.

I don't see fault on either side, just both had rough days. Don't feel bad o.p

Don't feel bad, I stay home with DD and walk away when I'm frustrated with her too. It's better to walk away and take a breather than to snap at them. Crying toddlers doing their damnedest to stall bedtime are trying.

You both had a bad day.

It happens. :)

There's been days DD has been dumped on DH the second he walked through the door. There's also days where DH came straight home and retreated the rest of the night.

You two sound like you do a good job listening and supporting each other.

You need to sit down and talk to your OH - lay out your expectations and who will do what

And it's no wonder you had a headache if you haven't had a drink all day, you were probably dehydrated

Hello op, I hope today's better for you.

I absolutely agree with levering time in to go to the loo, have a drink and something to eat. You will make yourself ill otherwise.

Also, did your dh cook dinner for himself and kids much earlier? It's sometimes hard to get the timing right when one works until 6.30 ish. So again, a snack before you get home may help?

I wonder what the responses would have been if this had been posted from a DH? Judging from some of the threads I've read on here DH's should come in from work and take over the children as they've had a "rest" at work.

The OPs entitled to a rant... Putting kids to bed after a 12 hour day is tough, but looking after kids can be equally tough. However, I think you're right, if it had been a man posting the general response wouldn't have been nearly so empathetic!

I think the clincher for me was the school forms left for op to fill in, because that's womans work don't cha know.

You both had shit day, hopefully it will be a lot better today. For all the posters suggesting op should not have had children

I presume you all wonder up to random working men and tell them they shouldn't have had children too, or do you just reserve your vitriol for working women.

I can see both sides, as DH and I alternate having 12 hour days and being the one at home. The thing is that some days the person at work needs to chill when they get home more, and sometimes the person at home needs a break more. There is no hard and fast rule that can be fair.

The key is to be honest about how you are feeling. And you need to trust that the other person is pulling their weight and not milking it. There is no right and wrong, as ever day is different.

Sounds like you will be fine, and just hit one of those unlucky occasions where you both had a shit day at the same time.

I would say the same were the op a man. I don't think giving the person coming in from work 15 minutes to get in through the door before expecting them to pitch in is unreasonable.

And I'm saying that as a mom to a disabled child who is on duty 24hrs because of his sleeping issues.