F***** iff with husband, f***** off with self!!! Self pitying rant alert...

[SugarDoh]

Just need to rant. Dh and I recently 'swapped' roles for lots of good reasons and its made our family a 1000 times more stable. I do the ft, stressful job and he works more flexibly. Give him credit he does work and has various stresses but part time, on his terms, and the deal was he'd step back to help with children and I'd step up. Today I left the house at 6.30am, I worked full on all day, I got home at 6.45pm - I haven't eaten, drank and desperately needed toilet not to mention horrendous headache brewing. I was immediately told I was putting screaming toddler who had slept for an hour late in the day (fateful mistake) to bed. When I suggested I would just like to get a drink and eat something I'm immediately met with well I've had them all day (wtf does he think I've been doing for the past four years!!) so you need to have them now. After an hour of him (ds2) screaming at me (i've been in there with him, coaxing him, singing, holding his hand, sitting quietly) I've lost my temper, stormed out ds's room to which dh just says, after sitting on the sofa for hour oh well I'll deal with him and has gone in like saviour. I am really angry at myself for storming out his room, I'm really upset I've not seen them all day and all I get is screaming and I react like this, I'm really upset my toddler who was ebf till a few months ago and always with me has seemingly completely rejected me now I've started work, I suddenly feel I don't matter in my family. And I'm really upset that I'm working my arse off for our family (albeit in a role I love and it was a joint decision between me and dh) and feel like a spare part in my home. Not one person said hello when I walked in the door, there was no dinner when everyone else had had dinner, the mail was all on the table for me to sort, ds1 school forms all out for me to sort, etc.
Basically I'm ranting, I'm sad, I'm upset and I've just done the worst parenting of my life and I want to blame my dh, but really I'm just bloody cross at myself and upset! Full time working mummy life sucks!!!

It all sounds hard. But do make time to eat, drink and go to the loo at work. You will feel so much better.

It will get easier with age. But for now agreeing a break for you before bedtime is a good idea.

zeezeek thank you - I've returned to academia after four years away from the main hub of it having my children. In the middle I kept up consultancy work and publishing but wasn't employed or full time. Even in that short time I am surprised by the shifts in workload, expectations and accountability. Workload feels like it has doubled and students seemed to have transformed! again this is another adjustment - I'm not complaining, crikey I am so grateful I could step back in at same level I left, but it is again another adjustment.

I'm a SAHM. I've done exactly what you describe as your DH having done to you on many an occasion. I don't know who is in the right or wrong in your situation as it depends on many other factors, eg when you left for work.

By way of example in our house, DH left for work at 7am yesterday. He got home at 7pm. I had to get everyone up and dressed and out and was 'on duty' for 12 hours straight, including bed and bath time. The 'free' hour I had to go to the Dr's, I got a call to say the 2yo had fallen and so I rushed to pick him up again. Dr will have to wait for another day.

I literally never get a second to myself when the kids are around. 2yo may nap in the afternoon, but 4yo wakes him up. And wants my attention when 2yo is asleep. I rarely get a full, hot cup of tea in one go. I rarely go to the bathroom unaccompanied. I often make an early dinner for the kids and eat with them as waiting until they're in bed and finally settled means I won't be cooking until 7:45 at the latest - by which time I'm ravenous. DH tends to eat well at work (lunches out and so on). The time he gets home from work also varies - sometimes 7 (early), other days 10pm. I can't ever spontaneously go out in an evening as it all depends on his work schedule.

So - when he walks through the door, from his high powered job, quite frankly I do expect him to step up. He freely admits it's much easier to be at work than be home like me. He is pretty senior, can come and go as he pleases, expenses meals, has various minions to do the grunt work. Yes, he's worked hard for it and works hard every day. However, he also has the benefit of being his own boss, being able to do many things unaccompanied (and quickly - unlike me piling the kids into the car to buy a quick pint of milk, for example), using the gym at work and knowing that he can work as long as he likes as I'm always here. So - the days he appears before bedtime, of course I chuck the kids at him. Aside from the fact that they want to see him, I'd go mad if I didn't.

But I think it's an important question that needs asking.

Why? Or at least, why not make life easy on yourself and only have one, or space your children out (yes, I know multiple births and accidents happen but ...)

Taxi for leavingsosoon...

(See what I did there?)

Chin up, OP.

It's really hard.

More

But I think it's an important question that needs asking.

It's not.

Certainly not on a thread started by a stressed out mother looking for support.

Maybe you should try philosophersnet.com, for all your hypothetical musing needs.

I have been supportive, I think. Op certainly has my sympathy.

What I'm a bit mystified by is people who sit in service stations rather than go home, or argue about who doesn't have the children at bedtime. Obviously, children are hard work but it really isn't their fault.

Tis hard being back in academia. I have just returned in very similar circumstances too. My DH works shifts which helps. I too returned this evening to utter chaos (four children rather than just my two). I am also still working and was in at 7.15am!

Life is crazy. I hope that tomorrow is a better day. We can only do our best and we are not perfect.

Honestly, Leaving? What is the point of that question?

The OP has had a tiring and stressful day, and isn't feeling well, and her reaction has made her feel a failure. instead of recognising she is a human being who WANTS to do the best for her children and spend time with them, and that we all sometimes fall short of our ideal, you are asking "Why did you have children if you can't cope?"

That is ignoring the fact that you don't get to find out what having two children is like until you actually have two children. By which time it is too late.

It's an interesting thread - I'm musing on it as I am a SAHM and DH is the full-time breadwinner. I feel guilty now because when he comes in, sometimes there is indeed no kiss for him, and I start asking him to help with the kids! It's good to be reminded how he must surely feel sometimes when he steps in the door. I guess I have lost sight of that.

I agree with Bathtime - generally if DH comes home and gets stuck into the bedtime routine straightaway, it's because I need a hand (tantrumming kids) or there are other chores I need to do (e.g. cooking supper, get washing in etc). I most definitely do not use it as an excuse to sit on the sofa!

Anyway, glad to hear that you had a nice supper to tuck into!

Leaving sometimes it is pure heaven to get away from the kids despite them being the most precious things in our lives. Nothing wrong with needing a bit of 'me' time to to catch your breath.

Oak, I didn't really mean the OP to be honest. She sounds to me like a very caring person doing her best. I was thinking more of her husband! And some of the posts on here.

You're very right about the two children thing - but you do have some idea of what it's like with no1. So I will never understand why people who complain constantly about the first one decide to have another to bitch and moan about (and I don't mean you, OP!)

If you don't take care of yourself, you can't take care of others.

It is like they say on planes "adjust your own oxygen mask before helping others"

I bet that bad evening would have gone differently if you had taken 15 minutes to have a sandwich, a drink and a wee before you drove home.

I have learned that particular lesson the hard way myself.

Personally, I can't decompress at home, it is always full on, even if it were agreed that I'd have 15 minutes to myself. For me, I must grab that decompression time before I get home. DH is the same.

I agree that it does get easier. DH became FT SAHP when youngest DC was just 4 weeks old.

It did take adjustment but ultimately it worked for us.

DCs are now 15, 17 & 20

Things which worked for us included

• allowing DCs to sleep in our bed when they disturbed in the night.
• DH and I always ate together after I got home from work
• I did my best to never criticise DH's housekeeping. He was making a better fist of the job than I was able

I don't think it's realistic to walk into a house of children at bananas hour and take yourself off to "decompress" - shit needs doing, so you muck in.

But knowing that, make sure you arrive in a fit state to do that - collect your thoughts, use the bathroom, have a snack before you head off.

Not to delay seeing your children, as the unhelpful eejits would have it, but to make sure you meet them in a state of mind conducive to parenting.

I think it is absolutely fair to ask you to muck in when you get back. But it is not at all cool to hand you the reins and have a nice little sit down.

The people who said to eat/ drink something on the way back are right too.

If I am going to be late back (for me that's after six), au pair carries on a bit later and feeds the kids. Dh normally works even longer. I do grab a sandwich/ salad/ whatever, plus cup of tea, on the train back because I know when I get in I will have to take over instantly and start bedtime. I can't ask au pair to keep going indefinitely like a sahm might so I can have a relax. I know I have to go right into it when I walk in, usually taking DS with me to the loo and when I change my clothes. Obviously with a sahm/sahd the situation is different, but what I'm getting at is that it's possible to come in the door ready to take over.

This somewhat contradicts my last lost about the wohp getting a sit down, but what I do if dh is going to be there (or a kind grandparent has stepped in) and if the au pair is dealing are different things.

Leaving - I don't think anyone bitches about their kids. But I do think they talk about it when they've had a hard day and turn to others for support. And thank heavens they feel like they can. Especially parents with pnd for example. Admitting there are difficult times is important imo, and having a break is good for parents and children. Being a martyr doesn't make you a better parent, it just makes you more stressed out.

Leavingsosoon not ONE person has said that!

Sugar, you will definitely settle into your new roles, it's just a transition period.

For me being at work (like your husband nell ) is definitely way easier than being at home with little ones.

Our DC are a bit older now, 12 and 9, and it does get a lot easier.

DH is a SAHD right now. The things that struck me about your post OP are that

1. Your DH is leaving to you key elements of the job of an at-home parent e.g. post and school admin. Family PA type stuff.
2. I understand he needs a break from the kids but this should not mean resting on his arse on the sofa while you do the power hour of bed and bath time
3. DH would NEVER not feed me!!!

and

1. DH has this amazing knack for reminding me that we are on the same team, we want the same things, it is him and me against the world, we work better together than apart, etc etc. Team Hearts. Sounds really lame but I can't tell you how great it is.

Well, I certainly don't want to make the OP feel worse but I do think that there is a massive difference between frustration over a specific event (child crying or similar) and general not wanting to be anywhere near your children, or have them near you.

I really don't mean you, Sugar - although maybe your DH, a bit.

Hearts - exactly re point (1). I might not be at work but I put in enough hours in terms of family admin, calling the Dr, dentist, optician, arranging repairs at home, liaising with this workman and that, birthday cards, Xmas, school uniform, new winter coats and so on. All what is often termed 'Wifework'... DH focuses on work, I run the rest (Ops manager for the family, so to speak). Your DH shouldn't be leaving that to you, OP.

Bed and bathtime is definitely a team job if we are both around. If nothing else, it's nice to do as a family activity on the rare nights we are all home.

I really don't mean you, Sugar - although maybe your DH, a bit.

nice-the DH has been responsible for them all day and now your guessing that he dosent want to be around them

Honestly Leaving my DH is nothing like that, (and I feel really bad that I have represented him that way!) he adores our children and I love him all the more for the father he is. I think we both have had 'crash' days today and that clash meant we stopped looking out for each other and our boys and instead focused internally. We've been on this new path for about a month now, so if this is first crash day I'm hoping this means we are ok. x

I'm sure you will be.

I get that children are very hard work, but they also bring an immense amount of joy and it upsets me when I think of their own parents treating them like a massive inconvenience. I'm sorry - I was trying to phrase that supportively but it feels like every other thread on Mumsnet just now is loudly lamenting children doing things which children just do.

It's shit when you grow up feeling like a great bloody nuisance.

Like I say OP, you sound a caring person just doing your best. Glad your DH is usually a good 'un :)

OP it is very tricky if you both have a speed wobble at the same time. Sounds like you have survived it quite well actually especially if he is cooking you yummy thai curries

Sorry, i dont think its fair to expect someone who's been at work all day to come in and immediately pitch in with the bedtime witching hour, certainly not after a 12hr day.

I will always allow my DH at least 15 minutes to get in, put his stuff away, take his shoes off and visit the loo...etc before i ask him to do anything!