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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to be uncomfortable with ds going to friends house where parents smoke in the house?

28 replies

thefourgp · 08/11/2015 23:40

I don't smoke. My dh smokes but always goes out into the back garden. My ds has made friends with someone at school but the child's parents smoke in the house and I'm not comfortable with that. I would never tell them not to smoke when he visits because it's their house and they can do as they please. I know a bit of second hand smoke once in a while isn't going to have any major affects but it still bugs me. How do others feel about this?

OP posts:
coconutpie · 08/11/2015 23:44

YANBU. This would bother me also. Can his friend not come to your house instead? Although your house probably also smells of smoke too - even if a smoker goes outside, the stink of smoke follows them back into the house. Yuck.

ZoeConnor85 · 08/11/2015 23:44

As an ex smoker who NEVER smoked in the house since becoming a parent I really wouldn't be happy about someone else smoking in the house with my kids in there

Jeanniejampots80 · 08/11/2015 23:45

Honestly the residual smoke he breaths in daily/ weekly off your husbands clothes despite smoking outside will most definitely be worse than a couple of visits to a friends. I would focus on getting smoke out of your house not someone elses if you are that concerned

donajimena · 08/11/2015 23:50

I'd be really pissed off. Smoking outside is nothing like smoking inside. I speak as an ex smoker who never smoked inside.
I'm shocked that people smoke inside when you don't have to (ie not in a flat) it stinks.
I loved smoking btw. I'm not bashing smokers. I just don't like it inside.

Cookingongas · 08/11/2015 23:50

I am afraid to admit I think Yabu. I don't smoke. Abhor smoking. My dh was given an ultimatum- me or cigarettes.

BUT it's their house. It's for what an hour or two? Even if constant for two full days- well- that still wouldn't match a lot of our childhoods. Constant smoking in home. Then bars. On buses. Etc. are the death figures lowering regarding this or are norms are no longer normal? They must be changing. Surely fewer people get cancer?! Yet media seen to report more?!?

Original poster
thefourgp · 08/11/2015 23:53

They come to our house too which is fine. My house doesn't smell of smoke but obviously my dh does. I sometimes worry about the smell of smoke passing from my dh to our dc but it's ten times worse if they're sitting in a room full of smoke. They're nice people and good with my ds. I don't want to make a big issue out of it but it's been on my mind since he came home smelly yesterday.

OP posts:
Cookingongas · 08/11/2015 23:53

Me and my peers ( in a working class community) don't smoke. Those that do do it outside. Ll Ar embargo ally better. Not much- still selfish.

Despite growing up with chimneys for parents none of us are dead?!

donajimena · 09/11/2015 00:00

Why doesn't your husband wash his hands etc after smoking? I always did (pity I couldn't wash my lungs too)

Original poster
thefourgp · 09/11/2015 00:02

Cookingongas, I was raised in a house with two parents who smoked indoors and I don't want smoking normalised for my kids. I used to smoke and quit when I got pregnant many years ago but my dh hasn't been able to quit. He smoked when we got together and only ever smokes outside so I try not to complain. I understand how hard it is to quit. Jeanniejampots80, it's impossible to make another person stop smoking. They need to make that decision and follow through themselves.

OP posts:
saoirse31 · 09/11/2015 00:09

Your dh smokes so smoking is normalised for your children.

Original poster
thefourgp · 09/11/2015 00:10

Donajimena, my dh is a very clean person. He regularly changes his clothes and showers/baths two or three times a day (more than I do). My main concern is my dc breathing in the smoke that is being blown in the air around them than the smells sticking to my dh's clothing. I wouldn't stop the visits to his friend's house because a few hours a week of passive smoking shouldn't have a major affect on him. I'm just uncomfortable with it and wondered how others felt too. When I was a smoker I never smoked around children.

OP posts:
Original poster
thefourgp · 09/11/2015 00:11

Saoirse31, you're right. I wish that weren't the case but you're spot on.

OP posts:
Leafitout · 09/11/2015 00:22

Yanbu. I'm a smoker but always go outside. I would never smoke in the house or car. Yes your DH smokes but makes the choice to go outside to do it. These parents do not make that choice. So your choice could be to not send your ds there. I had a friend who smokes and had 3 friends sitting round chain smoking in the kitchen with her 3 kids in the house, no windows open! They didn't get a choice but to inhale 4 times second hand smoke!!

ZoeConnor85 · 09/11/2015 00:24

How is smoking outside as bad as sitting blowing smoke at your kids??
Talk about high and mighty - I always washed my hands after smoking and a lot of the time brushed my teeth as well! It isn't the same at all so these holier than thou perfect non smoking parents need to get off their high horse!

Jeanniejampots80 · 09/11/2015 09:35

OP I know you can't make your husband quit and well done you for succeeding. Zoe I never said smoking outside was as bad as inside but if they are exposed to their dad every day after he smokes the "build up exposure" would def be worse than the odd trip to a friends house.

I work in healthcare so have this conversation regularly . Whenever you smoke the nicotine, tar, and carbon monoxide can get into your hair and clothes and remain there for at least an hour. You also continue to exhale these poisons for several minutes after extinguishing the cigarette. So if you have a cigarette and then hold your baby/ kids, they will breathe in these harmful substances.

PennyPants · 09/11/2015 10:07

Yadnbu.

Happfeet2911 · 09/11/2015 19:17

How are any of us still alive!! If you want something to get worked up about surely the emissions from lorries and cars are more dangerous. Alternatively accept that living has a certain element of risk and just get on with life!

EWLT · 09/11/2015 19:37

I'd be more worried about the "normailising" of smoking than the second hand smoke, but as DP smokes, you have that problem whether he goes to friend's house or not. If they follow his example and become smokers a bit of passive smoking now isn't going to make any difference.

Ham69 · 09/11/2015 19:45

YANBU
I wouldn't allow my DCs in a house with people smoking inside.

Oysterbabe · 09/11/2015 19:52

My children wouldn't be going there I'm afraid.

nutellacrumpet · 09/11/2015 20:17

No way in a million years would I let my children go in to a house where people smoke. That is disgusting.

LimboNovember · 09/11/2015 20:27

Oh goodness......I think your being OTT and incredibly hypocritical with a smoker in the house.
I have a relative who is anti smoking but admits the odd one is not going to harm.

I am an ex smoker and I hate being behind a car with some one smoking in front, as I can smell it, and we had massive problems with our neighburs, smoking outside and sharing it all with us....

HOWEVER a one off, nah.....no problems.

LimboNovember · 09/11/2015 20:28

sorry a relative who is a doctor

Atenco · 09/11/2015 21:03

Another one who grew up with smoking everywhere and am here to tell the tale.

I can't argue with smoke being nasty and not good for the health, but I still believe car fumes are much more toxic and all pervasive

TimeToMuskUp · 09/11/2015 21:11

YANBU I'm a bit weird about children being around smokers. My Dad smoked til I was 15 so it's an odd thing to be militant about, but I just hate when children smell of cigarettes. Hate it.

DS1's Grandma on his Dad's side smoked like a chimney and the first time he went to visit her as a newborn (I stayed at home and Ex took him) he came back stinking of cigarette smoke. I'm an absolute snob, I admit, but still no.