I cant understand all these grandparents commandeering what happens on Christmas day...?

[ssd]

now I know this is a thread about a thread, well several threads actually

I just cant understand the pressure some grandparents put their grown up children under on Christmas day, expecting them to drag young kids around in the car for hours to visit them

sure, visit if you are nearby, but if not why not let the young family have a nice day with their kids and see them after/before the day, or else drive the distance yourself, stay an hour and drive home, leaving them in peace!!

whats happened to grandparents, are they all selfish buggers these days, or only on MN?

disclaimer: both mine and dh's parents are dead and as much as I'd give my eye teeth for a grandparent here, I know if they were still alive they wouldnt be so selfish!

Haha. My phone is so filthy I can't see links! In my case it's thing because I would be throwing things at him. Whatever was closest, probably my shoe!

We never used to spend Christmas with my grandparents, I only have one and she's not very family orientated.
A few teenage Christmases were spent abroad, and dh, ds and I went abroad a few years ago and I would go back like a shot!
My parents don't really do Christmas so they aren't fussed where we are, and I think this year we are probably at home unless we win the lottery and then you'll find us all plus the dog in the Caribbean ;)

It will just be the three of us this year . My parents died years ago, my sister lives too far away and doesn't have enough room to accommodate us. MIL has alzheimers and BIL is an alcoholic.

I know families can be irritating, but I would love to have a large family gathering at Christmas and that won't be possible.

I always had lovely family Christmases at home when I was single and living with parents. It was either our house or my aunts and was great.

Then when I got married the plan was to go to my in laws for dinner and my parents for tea.

Well, by the time we factored in my fil going to the pub and waiting for the bird to defrost and then get cooked we never got to my parents ( 5 mins away ) till about 6 pm. Too stressed and full to eat anything.

So, image a stand. Told exh I was never doing that agin.

The following year the in laws came in the morning and saw the kids open their presents about 11 am then my dour aberdonian fil was rushed to the pub and we all relaxed at my mum and dads.

Blummin lovely!

Then when it got too much for the oldies they came to us.

I have somehow been railroaded into Christmas at my husband's cousin's this year. She's a nice lady, but I can count on one hand the number of times we've met.

I'm sure I'll get over it by Christmas, but I can't help feeling put out that I've been told (by PILs) what my plans are to be.

FIL decided two years ago that this year would be a big family Christmas, and whilst I repeatedly told my husband I didn't want to go, somewhere between not getting pregnant as planned and his Nan dying, I've been completely ignored, and now it's too late to back out. (And, yes, I could be "assertive" but all that would accomplish is upsetting everyone, including my husband).

I think part of my reluctance is that we don't drive, so it's lugging all the pressies on the train for a three or four day visit, and then when you're there, you're totally beholden to someone else's traditions. No takeaway on Christmas eve, someone else's favourite dinner foods, presents after lunch (because that's how they do it), not being able to sit around in pjs if I want. It's not relaxing at all. I'm not happy.

"I think part of my reluctance is that we don't drive, so it's lugging all the pressies on the train for a three or four day visit,"

Driving on our roads at Christmas is a nightmare. Last time I spent Christmas with my sister we took the train even though we both drive. Scale down the presents, buy small gifts, Amazon them to your relatives house addressed to you c/o relative's address so they don't open them and then wrap them when you get there.

TBH neither you nor your in-laws sound very flexible. There needs to be a bit of give and take on both sides. Are you a fussy eater? Does it really matter that you don't get a takeaway on Christmas Eve? Offer to help with the food preparation, contribute some of the food so that you at least get something you enjoy.

Bunbaker God, no! The takeaway doesn't matter at all. It's just an example of one of the many small things that you have to give up compromise over when Christmassing with others.

The delivering gifts is something I'll consider - although that assumes a level of organisation I can only aspire to!

I'm not at all a fussy eater, and will of course offer to help with food. But my place in the pecking order (Cousin, cousin's mum, MIL, chef-husband) probably means I won't fit in the kitchen.

But - as has been said above - this is a place for venting. I hope I appear more outwardly flexible to my in-laws than when complaining on MN.

I hope it goes better than you expected Gloopy

I'm sure it will be lovely. :)

The only thing worse than taking a suitcase full of gifts to your PILs is hauling 2 suitcases back full of gifts that they got for the kids. Zero thought was put into the size or weight of gifts. I knew that would be the case so all our clothes fit in a wheelie carry on and I checked three suitcases, one that was empty. DH had flown out the week before so I was on my own for the trip with 2 kids, one on my lap. DS was supposed to be on my lap but weighs more than dd so I put her on my lap and told the crew that if they wanted to get going it was best to just do it that way. Was furious with DH for not booking DS a seat!

To answer the OP.

I don't think grandparents are any more selfish, just that people will start a post about the more extreme situations. There is no right or wrong way to organize Christmas but relentless emotional pressure is crap from whatever direction it comes from.

Both my husband and me come from large families and love family get togethers at any time of the year. If you want to bring a relaltive from the inlaws side, neighbour, friend, another random, it is all fine. We have got to a stage that for the xmas period no house will hold half of us let alone schedules coincide for half of us to meet. At Christmas I wouldn't want any of them to be alone and would always invite .. but.. I know they will all behave like reasonable people. Things change.

When it comes to arrangements we talk and chat, there is no emotional blackmail.

We used to alternate going to each in laws until my parents had both died, and then once we had dcs my in laws would come to us. My lovely DMil died three years ago so now it's just DFil. Unfortunately he now has depression and doesn't drive so we'll have to pick him up and take him home. If he even wants to come. I don't think he'll enjoy being here, he frets about the noise the dds make and they'll be especially excited on Christmas Day obviously, so I don't think it's going to be much fun for anyone. He's always been a narcissist and now he's unwell he's extremely difficult. I know that seems unsympathetic to his mental health problems but in my opinion he's always been bloody hard work.

I'm so glad I work every Christmas

I wonder how all the mums posting about all the logistics of pleasing 2 sets of GPs. would feel if the demanding DGPs decided not to host them to the point were DC and DGC were practically banned from GPs house over Christmas due to all the attitudes here. Families can take offence at one set of GPs seeming to take preference. It would interest me to know whether that set of GPs think they are being expected to do too much in comparison to the other GPs. There is always more going on than is seen on the posts made. I just wonder what the whole story is and not just the side according to the MN posters. GPs are people, sometimes hiding their true feelings from the DCs, and they have feelings and can be cut to the quick with careless words. One day many of today's posters will be grandparents themselves and I wonder how they would feel now they are GPs

You're right when you say there's always more going on, so I don't think you can speculate/generalise that the GPs seen as demanding are the ones that have high expectations (did you mean childcare?) levied upon them.

I think there's just a lot of pressure to do Christmas "right" - only that's subjective, so you really can't please everyone.

TheBouquets - good point, I wonder how posters who go on and on about having Christmas with their own little nuclear family will feel when their chidlren are grown up with families of their own and can't be bothered to include them in their celebrations ?

I too loathe the idea that Christmas is just about 'seeing the children with their new presents' - no wonder we are such a materialistic society. .

I'm lucky in that I've never had really difficult ILs - but perhaps my DH is fed up with having to look after my elderly parents (in their 80s) - of course I don't see them as 'difficult' but DH might see it differently. .

Best thing we ever did (28 years of Christmas together) was never get in a 'routine' about what Christmas should be. We do it differently every year. - and keep the celebrations to one or two days only. Far too much pressure to have a week - or even two weeks - of 'Christmas'.

To be fair, many of the posts here aren't about people who "can't be bothered to include" GP's in their celebrations but from people who have made an effort to include GP's, offered to host them or visit for part of christmas etc and it's been deemed not good enough. Yes, when I'm a GP I'm sure I will want to spend some time with my DC's and DGC's over the Christmas period but I'd like to think I'd be willing to be flexible in order to make that happen. Many young families have two sets of GP's to consider, who may live at opposite ends of the country, and it can be really difficult when one set of GP's aren't willing to compromise. I completely accept that in some families one set of GP's may be "sidelined" in favour of the other. However, there are some (like my in laws) who claim to feel sidelined despite being given equal (or even more) time and consideration. The only way my in laws would ever be happy is if we spent the whole of Christmas (inc Christmas eve and boxing day) at their house, fitting in with their routine and traditions. The fact that this would mean my parents (who have no other DC's or DGC's) didn't get to see us at all wouldn't bother them one jot.

YABU ssd . You said "thanks thymeout, you've made me feel like shit cos all my family and dh's are dead and its only us on xmas day"

I don't think thymeout said anything to upset you, all she said was that she preferred Christmas with extended family.

We've had it relaxed and laid back for years, randomly staying home, visiting grandparents or whatever.

This year I'm tiptoeing round the new problem of a widowed MIL 200 miles in one direction, newly non-driving parents 300 miles in the other, a nice dollop of unpredictable (currently OK-ish but who knows?) mental illness in another close relative, and not a clue yet what any of the other siblings or inlaws have in mind.

Think I'll just sit in the shed with the sherry.

More shocked by the number of grown-up children who absolutely refuse to host Christmas day for their parents and /or in-laws. I have encountered many, including my own, and it is not because of lack of accommodation, time or money, simply selfishness.The only alternative they will consider to doing the round trip to both families, is to have a small simple Christmas Day at home, 'just us,' and then visit them on for the rest of the holiday.

ssd's post is not really about where christmas is hosted and GP commandeering the day. The underlying current seems to be more about them being a nuisance and you wanting to see them for as little time as possible.

I so hope my kids don't take this approach when i am a grandparent. I would like to see my grandkids, especially at christmas. surely this is part of being a happy family?

we always have my IL's for christmas. this is part of the fun for the grandkids.

I haven't read many posts about commandeering GPs. A lot of posts, though, about family members (not just GPs) being excluded or left alone on Christmas Day because of selfish people refusing to make any effort whatsoever to accommodate them or whinging that they want to spend the day with just their dp and dc.

In our family we try to alternate between GP's and every third year at home. Often my Dad is on his own. This year I will be seeing him on Christmas day.

yorkshapuding I agree.

In some ways I'm very lucky in that I don't have an IL issue as they are both deceased. I do however get to host my SIL and my own DM, something I've now been doing for about 10 years. My DF and DSM we usually see a few days later. In nearly 20 years together, DP and I have only spent Christmas Day on our own once and it was utter bliss. I know that DP finds my DM taxing and I feel the same about SIL, so we are even on that score

We were doing over 1000 miles every festive period fitting in everyone and we finally said enough. We don't have children to fit into this but it was bloody knackering.

Frankly I'm tired of hosting every bloody year, spending a fortune on turkey and cleaning house. I want somebody else to step up and do it for a change.

Anyway back to the topic. I think what we've seen on this thread and others is far more about GPs refusing to compromise or be flexible. It shouldn't matter whose house, what day or anything else as long as its fair across the sets of GPs. Its where a set of GPs say "we always do it like this so tough shit" that causes the problems.