I cant understand all these grandparents commandeering what happens on Christmas day...?

[ssd]

now I know this is a thread about a thread, well several threads actually

I just cant understand the pressure some grandparents put their grown up children under on Christmas day, expecting them to drag young kids around in the car for hours to visit them

sure, visit if you are nearby, but if not why not let the young family have a nice day with their kids and see them after/before the day, or else drive the distance yourself, stay an hour and drive home, leaving them in peace!!

whats happened to grandparents, are they all selfish buggers these days, or only on MN?

disclaimer: both mine and dh's parents are dead and as much as I'd give my eye teeth for a grandparent here, I know if they were still alive they wouldnt be so selfish!

Blimey yorkshapudding let them stamp their feet and cry, it wont kill them.
Go to your parents and see your GPs

My PILS have never plied on the guilt. The BIL is another story! My PILS got wind of how upset I was about one Christmas and now make a point of going away on a cruise over Christmas and getting everyone together a weekend in December instead. Works much better.

I've got the opposite problem, all 4 sets of grandparents are busy doing their own things over Xmas so we won't be seeing any family except maybe my little sis on boxing day and BIL and his fiance :)
I did feel a bit sad but I'm really pleased they are all enjoying themselves so much as a few years ago there were lots of tears and arguments

After my experience I can fully understand the threads on here about PILs being a PITA.

I'm sure that there are many men that feel the same about their PIL too

My in laws made so little "fuss" the one time I've taken the docs there for Christmas I haven't done it again. I invite them every year though but they've never come. My dm insists that anyone with dcs should stay in their own home. I agree, especially for the "Santa years" if it would involve an overnight stay. Some of the people having lovely extended family Christmasses live locally to them I suspect.

I think for some grandparents they feel sidelined, especially on the male side. Why should they not see their own children on Christmas Day?

I very much agree.

Givinguphope - please get your dp to support you on this. That can't continue. It would be my husband I was angriest with tbh not the selfish gps.

I'm so tempted, Coco. It would mean months of guilt trips for DH and accusations that we favour my family but the reality is that my parents never put any pressure on us whereas the IL's aren't happy even when we do our best to keep things completely fair.

Givingup, we seem to have the same in laws! It's horrible isn't it how people can make you dread something that is supposed to be the highlight of the year!

When dd was young we hosted. ILs visited us for coffee, and then went on to sFIL's dd. My mum and brothers would come to us and stay the day.

We only once went out on the day, to the ILs. It was awful. DH kept dragging his feet and finding things to do, sFIL phoned every half hour from about 1.30 asking where we were, when we were going to get there, as MIL was fretting (we were expected at 1pm). No matter what I said or did, dh would wander off to do some other made up thing to delay going, while dd and I had no idea what was going on.

Eventually we got there at about 3.30, so lunch was pretty bad, sFIL was furious, and MIL was upset but pretending not to be. After lunch there was nothing much for dd to do and she was getting fractious, and dh made it clear he was bored.

When we left, dh said "never again" which saved me saying it. I expect sFIL was saying the same thing, except sFIL would always complain about having to drive around visiting the children, when all his neighbours' children drove to them. Anyway, the one time we didn't host was a truly horrid day.

For years we have actively enjoyed going to my parents. They have had a bigger house than us until recently, my siblings gather there too, we stay a few days. Better than being isolated and keeping DC away from cousins, gps, aunties etc.

I don't understand the obsession with a quiet isolated day, unless the ILs and GPs are obnoxious and difficult.

Much better a big happy raucous gathering. IMO

Yorsha, definitely go to your parents. Go on Xmas eve and stay until Boxing Day. Don't give the ILs the address or phone number. Ignore calls from them too, for the whole 3 days.

You won't regret it.

And next year, stay at home.

Usually, people come to ours at Christmas (we alternate between my parents and my ILs) but this year my brother (who got married last month) is going to his ILs. I've asked my parents to come to mine as well as my ILs but they don't want to (they don't much like staying away from home and aren't very sociable). So I do have guilt but keep reminding myself that this is their decision, I haven't abandoned them.

Dh and I are hcp so always have the chance that one of us will be working. My parents aren't local so there is no pressure to visit anyone on Christmas Day. Infact my in laws would love a day on their own.

We've had christmas's at home on our own with the dc before and it's been lovely. Equally we've had lovely big family Christmases. We often see family Boxing Day. To me Christmas is not spending the entire day in the car.

This year the grandparents are coming to us.

We stay home, no family difficulties, just like the relaxed day. No getting ready, no rush on dinner, kids happy to slob enjoy gifts, play games, easy. No on to please but ourselves.
DS1 goes to DM every year with her brood, DS2 has friends round to party, and DS3 works. FIl goes to sIL all happy.

The thread that inspired this one, referred to grandparents who were peeved because they weren't getting exactly the same length of visit on Christmas Day as the other grandparents. Pathetic. It's as if these older folk go back to primary school, with petty squabbles over who has the bigger bag of sweets.

All our parents get on well. They come to us, one lot one year, one lot another. The other year they go to another siblings.

My parents turn to come to us this year but FIL terminally ill and it's likely to be his last one, so not sure how it will all pan out.

Alert trigger. We used to visit my mum christmas day, then down to mil the day after, year after year. Then I went into premature labour there one Christmas, and our son died. I put my foot down, and have never had Christmas away from home again, just as well, as I lost another pregnancy not long before the following Christmas.
Now with 2 adult kids, grown and flown, I'm happy that they do whatever fits in with their partners' families, and our family Christmas is whatever day we can all manage to be together.

The thread that inspired this one, referred to grandparents who were peeved because they weren't getting exactly the same length of visit on Christmas Day as the other grandparents. Pathetic.

Just as 'pathetic' imo as leaving someone on their own at Christmas, that they get on and have no issues with, just because they just want it to be just their 'nuclear' family.

We like to do different arrangements each year, I'd hate to get stuck with a rigid 'well we always do X at Christmas'.

Last 2 yrs I have been on best behaviour and hosted MiL, so this year my parents are coming to us. Next year who knows?

I'd really like family, on either side, that DH & I could "get on and have no issues with". Instead we have a religious nut & a drunk, neither of whom show much interest in us most of the time (my family) & the PILs who were determined from the day DD was born, that they cared not a jot for my need for peace or privacy, or for DD's need to sleep & would wander in & wake her for cuddles. MIL seems to deliberately go out of her way to provoke my religious zealot mother & they can't stand the sight of each other. Our wedding day was the last time they voluntarily spent time together & even then the separate families disappeared off to their respective houses for part of the day.

I would really love a nuclear family Christmas - but I'm not going to get it.

This is why I am madly jealous of my friend who is a single parent , and before you all leap on me I was too for a good long while , she lies around in her jimjams on Christmas day , eating whatever takes her fancy , whilst watching films and rubbish telly with her DS , some of her relatives including her parents pop by for a little while , bliss !

I on the other hand , HAVE to visit my parents on Christmas day , once in the last 44 years I didn't and it was awful , the histrionics my mother pulled were legendary , my brother gets off lightly because he doesn't live locally and has a partner who often works Christmas . I would love a day just to ourselves

Draylon My dad is coming with us. My MIL was so upset so DH offered to pay for them to fly over via Miami, not NYC, and my MIL said they were too busy with their plans over the holiday season to take a week out. I did the biggest eye roll ever!

clam Its been tough on DH to acknowledge that his mother often behaves like her granddaughter. I'm tough that way and tell my family 'This is our plan. Let me know if you want to join in for any of it.' We live 3000 miles from all parents, my mother being 3000 miles west while the others are east. Never again am I flying out between Dec 15 and Dec 30th or Jan 2nd to Jan 4th. Just NO!

Click on the link I added, supermum.