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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I cant understand all these grandparents commandeering what happens on Christmas day...?

133 replies

ssd · 08/11/2015 14:42

now I know this is a thread about a thread, well several threads actually

I just cant understand the pressure some grandparents put their grown up children under on Christmas day, expecting them to drag young kids around in the car for hours to visit them

sure, visit if you are nearby, but if not why not let the young family have a nice day with their kids and see them after/before the day, or else drive the distance yourself, stay an hour and drive home, leaving them in peace!!

whats happened to grandparents, are they all selfish buggers these days, or only on MN?

disclaimer: both mine and dh's parents are dead and as much as I'd give my eye teeth for a grandparent here, I know if they were still alive they wouldnt be so selfish!

OP posts:
Mehitabel6 · 08/11/2015 16:14

I think that any tensions in the relationship shows up at Christmas. The majority manage it quite happily- we hear about the problems on MN.
Once we had children they came to us. It helps if the parents and ILs mix but some posters find that a peculiar idea. It is much simpler.

ElsieMc · 08/11/2015 16:15

As a grandparent myself,and have two grandchildren live with me, I certainly don't guilt trip my kids into coming on Christmas Day. One dd is far more keen than the other and makes a huge fuss about Christmas which drives me mad, it's all about expensive presents she can't really afford - its not just grandparents you know!

I remember eating two huge christmas dinners just to please two separate sets of parents when I was young and always thought I wouldn't inflict this on my own children and grandchildren.

I always cook a big Christmas Dinner; if they want to come then that is great, but if they have something else arranged then that is also fine. I like my family to visit me because they want to not because they think they have to.

I think it arises when families live hundreds of miles apart but it makes things so stressful having to travel so far at this particular time of year and it isn't fair on the children. In reality it isn't because these people are grandparents, it is simply because they are selfish and unrealistic.

Pipestheghost · 08/11/2015 16:15

I'd love Christmas day, just us at home, but mil is alone and disabled so we always go there otherwise she would be totally alone. She can't come here as we don't have the adaptions she requires, my DM usually comes as well if she's not been invited to other relatives.

MillionToOneChances · 08/11/2015 16:26

When DH was a kid she NEVER ONCE went back to Ireland to visit her parents for Christmas, so it's not like we're breaking a family tradition

This is the crux of it for me. My dad has been turning the screws about how he never gets Christmas in his house with my kids anymore. I had a slightly passive aggressive conversation with him where I expressed astonishment that I had no recollection of trooping up to my grandparents every Christmas. He hemmed and hawed a bit and reluctantly acknowledged that they had always come to our house when we were children "but that's different". The only reason it's different is because everyone should do whatever suits him best. Sod that. They don't even put on a good Christmas. My mum isn't thrilled but she takes my point that it's time for me and the kids to build our own family Christmas traditions in our own home.

MummaV · 08/11/2015 16:27

We have a really busy Christmas but we love it. We've offered to host as we don't drive so someone has to play chauffeur but every offer has been declined (maybe everyone is lying and I really can't cook!).

Xmas eve at MIL with all of DHs family as they all do different things on Xmas day.
Xmas day at my DGP with DM and my great aunt.
Boxing day Dh works so I go back to DGP to see extended family.

It works for us as a family.

If any family member started demanding things change we'd stay at home and offer anyone who wants to come to us.

NewLife4Me · 08/11/2015 16:28

I'm sorry, but part of me says those who complain only have themselves to blame.
One year when we lived miles from family, we came up to spend Christmas when ds1 was a baby.
It was horrific with all the coming and going, poor dh didn't have a drink as he was driving and in order for all gps to spend time with him we visited at least 3 houses within a 50 mile radius.
We said never again, and didn't do it again.
I would never leave a relative on their own but would invite here and not dream of taking dc away from home on Christmas Day.

I can't understand why people just don't say no, if they don't want to do something.

Shutthatdoor · 08/11/2015 16:32

No angst here either. Although both my parents are still alive, I would never leave a parent alone on Christmas Day, unless there was a massive backstory.

Same here.

CombineBananaFister · 08/11/2015 16:44

As some posters have said it only takes a little tinkle down memory lane for those GPs being buggers about it to realise that they did no such trips when they had their own family Wink

I'm not one of those people who thinks everything should be child-centric but xmas day (for me) is for children and a day that suits their needs should be considered. I wouldn't want anyone to be left on their own mind, and I know there are other complicating factors but running the kids out of the house as soon as they've opened their prezzies always struck me as a bit tormentitive Grin

Me and DH don't have the drama as he works xmas day and I normally work Boxing day so it's nice and chilled for us and Ds. I sometimes wonder what a BIG family xmas would be like.

CalmYoBadSelf · 08/11/2015 16:49

We used to get pressure from the ILs about this but when DCs were about 5 and 3 we decided to stay in our own home. We had to be quite firm but have always been clear that we welcome them and others, we are just not going anywhere

Now DCs are older things will start to change as it is only a matter of time until we have to fit in with their lives but I hope to do it with good grace

isseywithcats · 08/11/2015 16:59

im a parent and grandparent and the only thing i ask is who is coming to dinner on christmas day and /or boxing day so i know how much food to cook and if anyone isnt coming its no problem

chicaguapa · 08/11/2015 17:02

A member of DH's extended family said they would be having Christmas at home from when their DC were fairly young. So the DPs travel to their daughter's every year. Fair enough.

But this year the DM will have just finished a course of chemo and radiotherapy and they are still travelling to the daughter's for Christmas. I did feel that she could have made an effort and gone to her parents' for once. But she has always done things her way and everyone else has to fall in line or not participate.

There is a sensible happy medium.

shutupanddance · 08/11/2015 17:05

We have stayed at home fir the last 12 years, what would we do with the presents otherwise? Its either a flight or 7 hour drive.

drizellatremaine · 08/11/2015 17:11

Of course there are lots of scenarios where it is not possible to see GPs on Christmas Day.

I do think it's sad, thought, that some people think the meaning of Christmas is children playing at home with their toys. When I was young, we weren't even allowed to open our presents til after a late, long lunch with extended family. We survived, and I have very happy memories.

yorkshapudding · 08/11/2015 17:11

My PIL's have had the same routine for Christmas eve, Christmas day and boxing day for 35 years. This in itself would be fine (each to their own and all that) but the problem is that they expect everyone else to fall in line with them. They completely fail to consider that I also have parents to think about or that we might have our own ideas about what we would like to do for Christmas.

We've tried everything over the years to cut down on the drama. We tried going to them one year, my parents the next but they just kicked up a massive fuss when it wasn't their year. We tried spending half the day with them before going to my family but that wasn't enough for them, they wanted the whole day with us and MIL started blubbing when it was time for us to leave. Whatever we do it's not enough and they would only be happy if we went to their place for the whole thing and DD didn't see my family at all.

Last Christmas DH put his foot down and told them that we were staying at home (for the first time ever) but they were welcome to come for drinks and nibbles in the evening. They initially had a strop and refused to come. Then a couple of weeks before they changed their minds and announced that they were coming after all but on the day itself they there were lots of sly digs and guilt trips and it really put a dampener on things. Also, they stayed for six hours! Not really what I had in mind when I said come over for a drink and nibbles but I suspect they knew that and were making some kind of point.

We haven't decided what we're doing this year yet. I'd like to have Christmas day with my parents as they are hosting my grandparents (who are both elderly and may not have many Christmases left) and it would mean the world to my GP's to spend Christmas with DD but I know my PIL's would kick off and accuse us of favouring my family.

thatsn0tmyname · 08/11/2015 17:16

Both sets of grandparents are local so we host on Christmas day. I do insist on having Boxing Day to ourselves so we can run the children out at a local park and then come hone and scoff chocolate. My friend was born on Boxing day and spends her birthday in the car driving between grandparents. She needs to put her foot down and finger upWink

ghostyslovesheep · 08/11/2015 17:21

Thankfully my mum is happy to have time with just her husband at Christmas - they go for a long walk and then home for tea

we go up on the 27th and stay for a few days and have a second Christmas

My ex's Mum sees them on Christmas morning

As a child we always had a huge family get together on Christmas Eve or Boxing Day - Christmas was always about us - and my Nan when she was widowed

I wonder how many Grandparent's (I am guessing people mean their kids GP's) feel obliged to entertain everyone when they would prefer some peace!

carbcraver · 08/11/2015 17:31

When I was younger every Xmas day without fail ended at grans. the whole family would congregate, she had an open fire, 3 or 4 cold meats, sausage rolls, pickled cabbage, eggs and onions. And a trifle! (Made specially for me as I don't like Xmas pudd!) perfect.

Since she's been gone Xmas doesn't feel the same.

As a child of divorced parents, we have my mum to see, my DF and DSM, PIL and DP son from previous relationship. So much alternating and with other family members (BIL, SIL, DB, cousins) to try and see it all gets too much Sad OHs family are the more difficult ones to placate. All want to see DCs on Xmas day, even if we have agreed to host a Xmas eve or Boxing Day thing. I JUST WANNA BE LEFT ALONE!!!!!

GiddyOnZackHunt · 08/11/2015 17:31

We had to remind my dad that they didn't drag 2 kids around the country so neither would we. And my mum makes a point every year now that whilst she loved having us all there, the cooking and preparing is too much for her these days to keep him in line :)
We had a three minute chat to do the arranging last week. Totally angst free.

WheresMyBurrito · 08/11/2015 17:36

It's ridiculous, isn't it. This is our first Christmas with DD and my parents have said they don't mind at all if they don't see us on Xmas Day, and I know PIL would be the same.

We're just planning the three of us through the day, nice and relaxed; perhaps see PIL in the evening and my parents on Boxing Day. No drama. Phew.

allwornout0 · 08/11/2015 17:37

This is why I have begun to dread Christmas. We have never been able to form our own family Christmas traditions as we are always expected to follow the inlaws traditions.
We can of course refuse to go to their house but if we did we would never hear the end of it and dh won't stand up to them.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 08/11/2015 17:38

I think for some grandparents they feel sidelined, especially on the male side. Why should they not see their own children on Christmas Day? It's supposed to be about family.

It would be interesting to know how many of those moaning at grandparents daring to want to be involved in christmas use those very same grandparents for childcare.

LibrariesGaveUsP0wer · 08/11/2015 17:41

I like anyone who wants to come at Christmas. Open to basically all.

With three small kids I won't travel on the day/for Christmas day though. Come to me or see me befor/after.

No one really seems to mind (well, MIL would prefer we travelled 100 s of miles to them, but she lives with the fact that ain't happening).Grin

allwornout0 · 08/11/2015 17:42

Also, we have invited inlaws to our house many times for Christmas but they always make excuses.

choli · 08/11/2015 17:43

My late mother would never ever call her own children - it was her childrens' duty to call her. As for her being the one to travel, it would never happen. That sense of entitlement seems to be part and parcel of that generation.

Givinguph0pe · 08/11/2015 17:46

I dread Christmas because of my in laws. They have ruined Christmas for me permanently.
We have to see them on Christmas Day, it is the law. On ds's first Christmas - aged 6 months - we had been out the house since 10am. At 8pm we tried to leave and mil cried - actually cried - and said 'why are you taking my grandson away from me?' Fuck off! She has four children, five grown up grand children and three great grandchildren so there are always loads of people there.
In contrast my parents only have me and ds is their only grandchild. The only other family I have it a very elderly grandmother. And yet they have never made any demands on our time on Christmas Day.