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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Who has rights over my baby ? Stressing out !

98 replies

SailorSao · 07/11/2015 21:06

DS is 18 months .

I don't get on well with my SIL for different reasons . We had a bit of a disagreement at a family party a few weeks ago .

I told SIL that she was not to contact me and would not be seeing my DS until her attitude towards me improved .

She disagreed and told me she will see DS and it is nothing to do with me .

I told her it's my decision and she needs to improve her attitude towards me before she sees him . Her response was "we'll see ".

MIL watches DS for me one day per week . SIL isn't speaking to me but made a point of taking a day off work to go and see my DS at her house . SIL has not been to MIL for at least a year , so this was a deliberate act to prove a point to me .

I'm so annoyed . I'm also feeling powerless and totally disrespected as a mother .

I feel like she feels like she has rights to my son and I'm stupidly worried that she has rights to take him away from me .

I know it's stupid to think that , but it makes me so powerless and angry the way she has done it .

AIBU?

OP posts:
LIZS · 07/11/2015 21:08

Did mil know you didn't want sil to visit your dc. If you can't trust her to say no you may need to review the arrangement. Neither have a "right".

Original poster
SailorSao · 07/11/2015 21:10

No MIL didn't know , SIL turned up unannounced .

OP posts:
GruntledOne · 07/11/2015 21:14

Of course she has no rights whatsoever to take your child away from you, and she has no rights in relation to your son other than what you choose to allow. I would suggest you stop the arrangement with your MiL for now.

museumum · 07/11/2015 21:14

You and your dh providing he's your sons father have rights nobody else. Your dh can allow his sister to see his son whenever he wants.

Your mil has no rights of her own but if she's looking after her son's son she is unlikely to turn away her own daughter.

What does your dh say about all of this? It's his family.

Loiterer · 07/11/2015 21:16

Of course she has no rights but I would avoid using your DS as a weapon in your relationship with SIL.

PennyHasNoSurname · 07/11/2015 21:17

She has no legal right to see him, however if your MIL is minding DS one day then why should she stop her own daughter coming to visit?

Original poster
SailorSao · 07/11/2015 21:18

I'm not trying to use DS as a weapon . I don't trust her not to say negative things about me in his company and that's why I don't want her around him.

I didn't say she could never see him - I said she needs to improve her attitude towards me first .

OP posts:
DIYandEatCake · 07/11/2015 21:18

She doesn't have a right to see your son. But unless she is a danger to your son, refusing to let her see him isn't going to achieve much (and she perhaps sees it as a challenge to wind you up). Is there any chance you can manage to put your disagreements aside and be civil to each other, for everyone's sake?

Original poster
SailorSao · 07/11/2015 21:19

I know I can't expect MIL not to allow her daughter to visit .

The point is , SIL did it to prove a point . This is nothing to do with MIL , she's lovely.

OP posts:
Original poster
SailorSao · 07/11/2015 21:21

I'm happy to be civil - when SIL starts being civil to me . She has been vile to me at times and made personal attacks on me .

OP posts:
TestingTestingWonTooFree · 07/11/2015 21:27

It does rather sound like you were inviting that reaction, although perhaps it's just the way you've summarised it. Personal attacks are certainly not on, but I don't know why you'd bring up the thing of her not seeing DS. She doesn't have any rights to see your son, but you don't really have any right to restrict entry to mil's home (unless of genuine safety grounds). I suppose the question is whether you trust mil to ensure sil behaves appropriately.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 07/11/2015 21:29

I would just ignore.

Your SIL as no rights over your dc at all - not one jot. She can never, ever take him away from you - not without incurring arrest and criminal charges anyway. But of course, if your MIL has him for the day, then SIL will be able to visit him, there's not a lot you can do about that unless you want to risk a very awkward conversation/ falling out with your MIL.

Your SIL is trying to antagonise you - don't rise to it. Just ignore her. She can't take a day off every week and see him can she?

LIZS · 07/11/2015 21:30

But it isn't really fair to involve either Ds or your mil in your relationship with sil. If mil doesn't stop her dd from visiting her (and why should she?) then you need to accept it may be while Ds is with her. If you can't then mil can't look after him at her home. Does your dh back you up ?

amarmai · 07/11/2015 21:30

she has def made her point and cd do so again- but missing days off work is also cutting off her nose to spite her face. Maybe need to make a truce.

DrasticAction · 07/11/2015 21:30

wow she has a massive inflated sense of her own entitlement!

what an ego, and she must loathe you to go to these lengths.

can you stop him going to mils for while..

lexigrey · 07/11/2015 21:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

lushaliciousbob · 07/11/2015 21:37

Please stop using your son to get at your SIL. He's not a toy and you are not a child. It all sounds very childish and before long your son will start to understand more. so get it sorted before he does. Unless your SIL is a danger to your son, then just let her see him with your MIL. That way you don't have to deal with her but he still gets a relationship with his Auntie.

Mysteryfla · 07/11/2015 21:38

If you didn't already have a child I'd be surprised you were older than about 12. You and the SIL sound a right pair. You're putting a baby right in the middle.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 07/11/2015 21:39

I think a motjer has the right to prevent anyone being in contact with her child. What did MIL say?

WorraLiberty · 07/11/2015 21:39

At best you're trying to use your child as a 'bargaining tool' to try to control your SIL's 'attitude' towards you.

It's ridiculous to drag your child into this.

AgentZigzag · 07/11/2015 21:49

I can't believe posters are telling you to grow up and that you're using your DS as a weapon!

You didn't invite her reaction either.

She has no rights over your son whatsoever, and if you think she's going to badmouth you to your own fucking son (and I could believe that going on the trouble she went to in her petty point scoring quest) then of course you should keep her well away.

You're right to keep your MIL out of it though. Just out of interest, how would your MIL react if she knew you'd told SIL to keep away?

BrideOfWankenstein · 07/11/2015 21:51

Why don't you just grow up and either:

  1. Ignore this and all future attempts to wind you up
  2. Tell her to fuck off and don't let MIL to babysit anymore
  3. Stop this whatever it is and call it a truce

I don't understand why you would say "You won't see my DS until your attitude towards me improve". It sounds like a 5 year old playing teacher and student.
If you don't want her to see him, babysit him yourself.

madwomanbackintheattic · 07/11/2015 21:55

Good grief. Grow up. It's my baby and you can't see him. Ner ner ner.
So can. Behind your back ha I win!
Bitch face. Gonna give up work so you can't. We'll see who wins this!

And all started at a family party?

Er.
Immature much?

You can't choose your family for sure, and I'm bloody glad neither of you are in mine.

Poor bloody kid with his mother and auntie playing point scoring games over his wee head.

slithytove · 07/11/2015 21:58

I don't see the op's actions that way.

I don't let my sister see my children because she is unstable and capable of being extremely vicious about me. They don't need that in their lives.

That doesn't make it point scoring or a bargaining tool. Sounds like op is going through similar.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 07/11/2015 22:00

Ignore. She has done it to wind you up. Ignore.

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