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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who has rights over my baby ? Stressing out !

98 replies

SailorSao · 07/11/2015 21:06

DS is 18 months .

I don't get on well with my SIL for different reasons . We had a bit of a disagreement at a family party a few weeks ago .

I told SIL that she was not to contact me and would not be seeing my DS until her attitude towards me improved .

She disagreed and told me she will see DS and it is nothing to do with me .

I told her it's my decision and she needs to improve her attitude towards me before she sees him . Her response was "we'll see ".

MIL watches DS for me one day per week . SIL isn't speaking to me but made a point of taking a day off work to go and see my DS at her house . SIL has not been to MIL for at least a year , so this was a deliberate act to prove a point to me .

I'm so annoyed . I'm also feeling powerless and totally disrespected as a mother .

I feel like she feels like she has rights to my son and I'm stupidly worried that she has rights to take him away from me .

I know it's stupid to think that , but it makes me so powerless and angry the way she has done it .

AIBU?

OP posts:

LaLyra · 07/11/2015 22:01

She has no automatic rights to see your son. You need to decide if the worry about what she'll say around him is important enough to you to tell your MIL not to allow her to see him when he is in her care and the potential fall out that will entail. Be very careful she doesn't use it as a weapon to get between your and your MIL.

Sometimes it is important. I've had to stop my SIL taking my kids overnight while because I don't want my brother anywhere near them. Sometimes the issue is worth the fall out. Sometimes it isn't. Only you know what you mean by vile and if your case it's worth making that stance for your child's sake.

Fratelli · 07/11/2015 22:03

Hmm you both sound really immature and I feel sorry for your son tbh. She obviously doesn't have any legal rights to your son. If you don't want her to see him you shouldn't be letting your mil look after him.

It doesn't sound like she's a danger to your son in any way. You say she's made personal attacks, do you mean physically?

cranberryx · 07/11/2015 22:12

I think people are being very harsh towards the OP.

Who would want their child to spend time with someone that launches personal attacks on them, is vicious and could potentially turn that to their child?

The OP isn't trying to 'change' her SIL's behaviour but instead setting conditions which I think is fair.

Would I let my brother into my house if he couldn't respect me, called me names and genuinely made me feel bad? No.
OP's DS should be protected from that sort of environment, no?

PaulAnkaTheDog · 07/11/2015 22:16

How childish. You have fallen out so you are using your baby as punishment.

Wow.

HumphreyCobblers · 07/11/2015 22:17

If someone was vile to me and about me, I wouldn't let my son see them either.

harshbuttrue1980 · 07/11/2015 22:17

She doesn't have a "right" to see your child. However, is she good with the child? Does he love her? If so, then you are being hideously unfair to deprive your child of a loving auntie for the sake of making a point to your SIL. Are you a very young mum, in your teens yourself? If so, I can understand your behaviour. If you are older, then you really need to grow up and start putting your child first. As someone else said, children are not toys or weapons. The more loving people who surround a child, the better it is for the child as they grow up.

Of course, if your SIL is unloving to your child or any danger to him either physically or emotionally, then yanbu.

Inertia · 07/11/2015 22:35

You're not powerless- you can make other childcare arrangements.

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 07/11/2015 22:42

You can chose not to have SIL to your home to see DS. You can ask DH to support you (which he may or may not do, you'll know better than us). But if MIL is minding him then ywbu to dictate who can and can't visit unless there's an actual real threat to DS's welfare. Equally DH could well take DS to visit SIL

Nobody has "rights" to DS except DS himself.

AgentZigzag · 07/11/2015 22:52

Going on what the OP's said NotMe, she isn't looking to dictate who her MIL has round at hers when her GS is visiting, more that the lengths the SIL went to to prove that her own DS has nothing to do with her (!) has made her feel insecure and powerless.

She's been left with the extreme feeling that 'she has rights to take him away from me'. That's not a great thought to have to live with, even though the OP must know it's not true.

slithytove · 07/11/2015 22:54

When my parents watch the kids I don't let them have my sister over, I would rather not go out.

She is a nasty piece of work and it would emotionally damage the kids.

AgentZigzag · 07/11/2015 22:54

And of course parents have rights over what kinds of people are around their children, it'd be fucking chaos if we didn't.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 07/11/2015 23:00

This is just weird. Why on earth would you think some random family member has the rights to take your child off you?

StrictlyMumDancing · 07/11/2015 23:03

I'm in the same boat at slithy. My parents aren't happy but accept that's the rules and given they've both had similar family experiences understand why I won't have it. They have told my sister that on the rare days my kids are there she isn't welcome. She has complained but they pointed out she lives on their doorstep and we don't so kids days are not often.

Sure, it totally depends on how poisonous OP's SIL can be, but sometimes its about protecting your kids from poison.

BoneyBackJefferson · 07/11/2015 23:07

If you don't want your SiL to see your Ds you will have to inform everybody that provides some form of childcare that this is the case, then if they allow your SiL to see him you will have to source other childcare arrangements.

claraschu · 07/11/2015 23:09

What does your husband/ partner think? He is her brother. Surely he is involved in this discussion?

ConsciousPilot · 07/11/2015 23:10

Get yourself on Amazon and get yourself one of those grips.

Loiterer · 07/11/2015 23:26

If OP is genuinely worried then there is more to this than meets the eye.

SolidGoldBrass · 07/11/2015 23:46

Unless your SIL is violent, an alcoholic/drug user or has put your child at risk in some way then you just need to grow the fuck up rather than stamping your little foot and demanding the rest of the family take your side.

But you haven't mentioned any ways in which SIL might pose a danger to your son, you've just said that the two of you don't get on, which quite probably means you're both a pair of silly bitches.

Eminado · 07/11/2015 23:52

I think your SIL is winding you up, and very successfully too.

I think you need to take a step back before you end up putting your lovely MIL in a very awkward positon. Alternatively, stop the 1 day arrangement.

Where is your DH in all of this?

AgentZigzag · 08/11/2015 00:13

'rather than stamping your little foot and demanding the rest of the family take your side.'

You're just making that up SGB.

OP hasn't said she's demanding anything from anyone, aside from her SIL.

I suppose all the posters saying she needs to get a grip and grow up are the same people who are constantly letting people walk all over them just because the people doing it are family.

IMO she's done the mature thing and told her SIL to sling her hook until she stops behaving like a twat, and the same goes for not letting her DS seeing his Mum being treated like shit and stopping any risk that it'll be aimed at him one day.

Shutthatdoor · 08/11/2015 00:17

The OP isn't trying to 'change' her SIL's behaviour

Yes she is she has she can't see the baby until her attitude to her improves.

Funinthesun15 · 08/11/2015 00:18

If OP is genuinely worried then there is more to this than meets the eye.

Not necessarily

Eminado · 08/11/2015 00:30

what does your DH say?

BlueJug · 08/11/2015 00:44

Your poor DS. Being deprived of an aunty because you think she should change her attitude. He is a person - not a toy. You don't have "rights" over him - you have responsibility to him to ensure that he has the best possible childhood.

And your baby's father? What does he say?

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 08/11/2015 01:07

OP does not have to let her SIL see her DS if does not want to. She has the right to go NC. She's his mother - some people can be really toxic you know. I don't think her ds needs to hear someone personally attacking his mother.

However, OP, I reiterate my earlier advice. Just ignore it.

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