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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Who has rights over my baby ? Stressing out !

98 replies

SailorSao · 07/11/2015 21:06

DS is 18 months .

I don't get on well with my SIL for different reasons . We had a bit of a disagreement at a family party a few weeks ago .

I told SIL that she was not to contact me and would not be seeing my DS until her attitude towards me improved .

She disagreed and told me she will see DS and it is nothing to do with me .

I told her it's my decision and she needs to improve her attitude towards me before she sees him . Her response was "we'll see ".

MIL watches DS for me one day per week . SIL isn't speaking to me but made a point of taking a day off work to go and see my DS at her house . SIL has not been to MIL for at least a year , so this was a deliberate act to prove a point to me .

I'm so annoyed . I'm also feeling powerless and totally disrespected as a mother .

I feel like she feels like she has rights to my son and I'm stupidly worried that she has rights to take him away from me .

I know it's stupid to think that , but it makes me so powerless and angry the way she has done it .

AIBU?

OP posts:

FuckTheseSixFishInParticular · 08/11/2015 01:29

So op has chosen to go non contact with her sil due to her consistent bad behaviour towards op (a standard mn tactic), and now people are jumping on op for asserting herself?

Surely any normal person who got this reaction over a spat would have just waited for it to all blow over before apologising and reconnecting, rather than taking a day off work and visiting her mother, who she hasn't been to see for a whole year, just to spite the op. That seems to be pretty drastic behaviour for 'a bit of a disagreement'

It's not op whose behaviour is entitled here.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 08/11/2015 02:18

The OP isn't trying to 'change' her SIL's behaviour

Yes she is she has she can't see the baby until her attitude to her improves

You say that like its a bad thing, as if it's perfectly acceptable for small children to be observing other family members treating their parent badly and having 'personal attacks' made against them at family functions.

Now I know that sort of thing is considered to be acceptable I shall attend the family Christmas I had previously declined and I shall call my sister a festering blue waffle cunt just as the goose is being served and I'm sure nobody will have a problem with all our children witnessing this.

Or I could just act like an adult and carry on doing what I'm doing and remain civil and polite and plesant on every occasion we have cause to communicate because well, you know, it's not really acceptable to expose children to adult issues and hostility

Senpai · 08/11/2015 04:14

Of course she did it to deliberately get under your skin, and she clearly accomplished this goal.

From what it sounds like, you two had a disagreement and you decided to use your baby as a trump card to "put her in her place". She decided to stomp all over it to show you have no trump card. You both need to grow up.

Stop letting her get under your skin. I know it's hard, but even if you have to imagine she has some horrible personality disorder and she can't help herself, do it. Generally when people lash out it's not personal, you just happen to be the easiest target. If she acts up be direct and say you don't appreciate name calling and you'll discuss this later in private, and repeat each time she starts up again.

It take two to fight. Just because she throws you a rope doesn't mean you need to pick it up. You can refuse to engage without being a doormat about it.

Or if it's more serious than petty squabbling, then you need to remove him from your MIL. He doesn't need that level of vitriol in his life. As others have said, there will come a time when he twigs to the fact that you two hate each other.

StrawberryTeaLeaf · 08/11/2015 05:10

I'm not trying to use DS as a weapon . I don't trust her not to say negative things about me in his company and that's why I don't want her around him.

Sounds reasonable OP.

DeoGratias · 08/11/2015 07:07

Yes you have that right.
Sometimes on divorce grandparents can apply to court for contact but it is not easy for them to obtain those orders and even harder for a sister in law.

Original poster

SailorSao · 08/11/2015 07:46

SIL has no relationship with my DS - before all this , she saw him maybe once every month at ex partners house .

DS father is not around permanently - he sees him a couple of times a month whenever he feels like it .

I am a younger mum - what has that got to do with it ?

Thanks to those who understand why I don't want my DS around .

To those saying I'm using my DS as a weapon - I deliberately left out that the source of the argument at the party was around contact with DS . I can't go in to further details as it would out me.

I have ignored her and I didn't retaliate . MIL knew what she was up to and although could not stop her visiting , did think a bit less of her .

It's interesting to see though that a lot of people would let others be vile to them, threaten to overrule your parenting and still let their children be around such people .

If SIL apologises , then I'll be happy to sort out contact . If not and she continues to act vile towards me then no .

OP posts:

Original poster

SailorSao · 08/11/2015 07:48

And to the posters who were just plain nasty . Thanks

OP posts:

exLtEveDallas · 08/11/2015 08:09

My best friend lost her daughter at the age of 2. At the time her son was 3.5 and she had a newborn DD.

Her SIL (that she didn't get on with as she didn't 'approve' of my friend) whispered in her sons ear that BF had 'killed DD1 and was going to kill DD2'

It came out when friend went to her crying baby in the middle of the night and found her son standing in front of the cot 'protecting' her. SIL had been poisoning his mind for weeks at that point.

He needed counselling for months. And my poor friend had to deal with it whilst coping with a newborn and the loss of her eldest child.

It is up to OP who she wants to have unfettered access to her child and if she think SIL will be a bad influence, even if that is just someone who will slag her off in front of her kid, who are we to decide otherwise?

Ashvis · 08/11/2015 08:18

Op, I've some vile family who have behaved appallingly and since I have nothing to do with them, they have nothing to do with my ds. My son isn't being deprived of any relatives, he is protected from spiteful people who care more about themselves and perceived victories than they would about his wellbeing. If my ds was being looked after by someone else I'd have no hesitation in saying "this person is not to have access to my son. If you want to see them, that's fine, but not when he's around". I'm sure he has plenty of other lovely people around him, and doesn't need someone who belittles your decisions around him.

Ashvis · 08/11/2015 08:21

ExLt, that is beyond toxic, your poor friend! I hope things are much better for her and her family now.

exLtEveDallas · 08/11/2015 08:30

It was years ago Ashvis, and yes my poor friend is in a much better place. Her son remained seriously overprotective of his little sister, but in a better way iykwim and they are extremely close siblings now. It took about a year or so to get through the trouble that bitch caused, but friend has been NC (as have her children) with the whole family ever since.

Dragonsdaughter · 08/11/2015 08:42

Op sounds the among the most sane on here.

LeaveMyWingsBehindMe · 08/11/2015 08:42

Bloody hell exLt that's awful!

Sailor If she works usually while your DS is with your ex MIL then you will just have to accept that she did it once to spite you and prove a point, and move on from it.

If she's likely to keep doing it then you are going to have to find alternative childcare because I don't think it's fair to drag your MIL into your arguments with her DD and expect her to keep her own DD out of her house.

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/11/2015 08:53

Is your xp feeding her lies about access? She may well have the wrong end of the stick. She sound entitled, and doubt she`ll accept anything you say as truth anyway.
Best to stay away.

Manamanah · 08/11/2015 08:54

You sound like a child. Maybe you'd find some kindred spirits here: Jeremy Kyle

Sallyhasleftthebuilding · 08/11/2015 09:03

The best thing about children is their sense of right and wrong, and their honesty in friendships, and generally.
A decent mother will have very strong protective feeling towards
their child.

RaptorInaPorkPieHat · 08/11/2015 09:23

I think the OP is getting some really harsh comments on here.

As far as I understand, legally a child has rights to have a relationship with extended family but the extended family have none, unless they can demonstrate that they have an existing relationship with the child (or something like that anyway).

I don't see anything wrong with not letting someone see your child if they can't be civil to you, although I expect your mistake was pointing it out to SIL. You should just have backed off from contact and then she wouldn't have noticed for a bit.

Taking a day off to see your DS at your MIL's house is a petty move but I doubt she will do that too often as she'll use all her holiday days up.

I think if you'd have posted this in Relationships you would've got very different replies

Straycatblue · 08/11/2015 09:59

What a bizarre bitchy set of answers you're getting OP.

OP has decided to go no contact with a malicious relative who is highly manipulative, verbally abusive and will badmouth her in front of her child. Said relative has responded that they will see her child against her will.

Many posters have responded that she is immature and not to use her child to get back at someone, basically advising the OP to tolerate the verbal abuse from her relative and allow her son to listen to bad things about his mother.
Honestly how many of you would be happy if your children were listening to a relative badmouth you???? Would you just allow it to happen?
The OP has laid down clear groundrules...... be verbally abusive and manipulative and you will not be in my life.

OP dont take the nasty weird replies advising you to let this woman have contact with your child to heart, how the replies on here go from one day to the next seems to depend on some random formula perhaps how the moon is aligned??
What i mean by that is if for example you had posted on a different day/hour/moonphase the AIBU board would be frothing at the mouth in support of you, picking up their pitchforks, lighting the flaming torches and marching on your SIL in defence of you and your son.

jellybeans · 08/11/2015 10:03

My MIL treated me far worse than that and I had years of hell off her for no reason that I married her son and 'took him away'. However, 20 years on we actually get on and have a civil relationship although I have to let go all the horrid stuff she did and said to me (much of it would shock).

I never stopped her seeing the kids although she never had them alone very often. But we did minimise the visits when she was awful. She wanted daily contact (whilst being openly rude to me) but we made it about every 2-3 weeks. DH started standing up for me and then things got better although it will never be easy.

Sooner or later we both realised it was easier all round if we got on no matter how we felt. So now we actually get on well. Sense of humour helps too!

jellybeans · 08/11/2015 10:10

I agree I wouldn't be around people openly being rude and mean to me. That's no example to set for children. I would keep visits to a minimum and if she improves see her more often. Also try having a 'talk' to both air your views. Very awkward but clears the air!

I know how you feel as when my DC were little and I was working, MIL used to go round to see the DC knowing I wasn't there. It sucked! But there wasn't much I could do. Luckily as kids get older they are on the 'parents side' and soon learn which relatives are trouble makers etc. Most families have these types amongst them! Good luck.

OTheHugeManatee · 08/11/2015 10:14

YABU.

Treating your child like an extension of your own ego in this way is pretty much the textbook definition of narcissism.

Original poster

SailorSao · 08/11/2015 10:21

Nowhere have I said I've involved my MIL - I never mentioned it to her , out of respect for her relationship with her daughter . SHE made the realisation herself about her daughter after her daughter bragged about making the point behind my back

As it happens , I got a text about 30 mins ago from SIL apologising for the nasty things she said to me and she would like to see DS at his nursery graduation .

I have acknowledged her apology and said she is welcome .

Some of the replies on here are ridiculous fair enough if you don't agree but to mention Jeremy Kyle - grow up !

OP posts:

Original poster

SailorSao · 08/11/2015 10:23

othehugemanatee ffs nowhere am I using my child !

I am protecting my child from being subjected to listening to me being slated by someone he has no current relationship with .

I take it by your response you wouldn't do the same ? Well that's more fool you and I'd actually think you were being unreasonable for NOT doing it.

OP posts:

OTheHugeManatee · 08/11/2015 10:24

Well, clearly your use of your DS as a means to control your SIL has been effective

Original poster

SailorSao · 08/11/2015 10:28

Or maybe it's just made her realise that I won't put up with her being vile to me and that she was out of order?

OP posts:

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