Who has rights over my baby ? Stressing out !

[SailorSao]

DS is 18 months .

I don't get on well with my SIL for different reasons . We had a bit of a disagreement at a family party a few weeks ago .

I told SIL that she was not to contact me and would not be seeing my DS until her attitude towards me improved .

She disagreed and told me she will see DS and it is nothing to do with me .

I told her it's my decision and she needs to improve her attitude towards me before she sees him . Her response was "we'll see ".

MIL watches DS for me one day per week . SIL isn't speaking to me but made a point of taking a day off work to go and see my DS at her house . SIL has not been to MIL for at least a year , so this was a deliberate act to prove a point to me .

I'm so annoyed . I'm also feeling powerless and totally disrespected as a mother .

I feel like she feels like she has rights to my son and I'm stupidly worried that she has rights to take him away from me .

I know it's stupid to think that , but it makes me so powerless and angry the way she has done it .

AIBU?

OTheHugeManatee so if you were being subjected to verbal abuse by a relative and your child was having to listen to it and listen to you being spoken about in a horrible manner, you would be happy for it to continue? You dont think a child witnessing verbal abuse is a teensy bit damaging?

If I was using him to control her then I'd tell her she wouldn't be seeing him at ALL - but I haven't have I ?

Or did you not read the thread ?

OP there is a very good saying to repeat to yourself in situations like this.

"You can't argue with stupid."

You have managed to sort the situation out. Go enjoy your Sunday and don't let the weird nasty replies from people on here get to you. No amount of argument will change a closed mind.

I suspect that if this had been about the op's ex or current partner the majority of the posters badmouthing the op would be calling "red flag".

You are using your child. The reason she has apologised is because otherwise she doesn't get to see him. Which was, presumably, the intention of threatening to withdraw access.

Shame on you both for conducting your quarrel via a baby. A baby, ffs

It was a wee bit daft, what you did. Because you can't police it if your MIL is looking after him, as your SIL showed.

But apparently your plan has worked and your SIL is going to be nice to you. Perhaps some genuine respect on either side would be better though, going forward.

But don't use your DS as blackmail in future, as it doesn't make you look good.

OP keep repeating ...

Cant argue with stupid cant argue with stupid

You are not happy to subject your child to the damaging effects of verbal abuse. Other posters are.

Oh you know my SIL do you ?

The things she said to me were frankly vile .
I can't repeat what she said in here as some if it refers to the fact I'm mixed race .

So unless you know the specifics you can't say she apologised because I controlled her !
You clearly missed the bit where I said she saw him anyway - so no - she didn't apologise because I controlled her

To the pp who said I've let her see him after a simple apology ... I've just been slated for using my son to control her and now I've sorted it , I'm slated for letting her see him

THE WHOLE POINT IS I DO NOT WANT TO USE MY SON TO CONTROL HER .... That's why when she has apologised , I've said its ok.

[bangs head against brick wall]

stray thank you stray .

Sailor, some of the replies you've had are awful.
I read it that SIL has been such a bitch to you that, as a responsible mother, the only reaction was for her to no longer be around ds. What with her being a toxic person and badmouthing you in front of your ds.

How would the people who have jumped down ops throat have acted in a similar situation I wonder? Just let SIL carry on?

And to suggest Jeremy Kyle? What a cuntish thing to do...

You have every right to keep your son away from her. If she is making racist remarks, then surely your ds is mixed race too? He's getting to the age where he could understand the things that have been said. The problem is the Mil looking after him.Either let the sil keep taking days off and don't react, or get childcare and tell Mil she can come to you in future to see him.

I'd hazard a guess that your MIL may have stepped in and told your SIL to back off, especially if she figured it out from your SILs own bragging. Like stray says you can't argue with stupid, so remember that and if she starts again simply remove yourselves from her presence, try to minimise any alone contact with your DS until she shows she's genuinely sorry.

I don't think I read the same OP as most of you on here. Glad you sorted things for now - and have a great weekend.

Thank you

I definitely don't want to involve MIL or to have it affect her in any way , she loves DS .

I'm happy to keep her watching him and if SIL turns up she turns up . I know MIL won't hear her spout rubbish in front of him .

I expected SIL would go to MIL at some point - she hasn't been for over a year , but it was more about me not arranging direct contact for her because of the way she has been .

My AIBU was mainly to do with the fact that I felt powerless because SIL basically proved she could trump my wishes .

I Didn't expect her to go so out of her way to, using my DS in her little game , to prove her point . That unnerved me .

for you OP

exLt

I know one like that as well, this one is a grandmother daughter and grand daughter one.

The granddaughter has grown up her entire life being told by the grandmother that the mother abused her even going so far as to claim stubbing cigarettes out on her face and allowing her to get raped at less than 18 months old.

Grandmother made 27 referrals to social services and involved he police ect all before the daughter was 5. Every single one was taken seriously and investigated including medical examinations(quite rightly) not once was the found to be abusive and not once was the daughter considered to have been abused in any way.

Mum attended a teenage mum support service run by social workers and had professional contact twice a week alleged burn was a birth mark that sort of thing.

The emotional impact on the mother and daughter has been so significant that their relationship is in tatters the daughter is having psychiatric problems and even after 25 years she has not recovered.

I do know the ins and outs of it because I'm related to the all and attended most of the meetings it's up there on my list of incredibly sad things I have encountered.

Those of you talking about "control" and using a child to get it.

What on earth do you think the entire child protection system is based on?

More often than not it is you must do xyz or cease doing xyz or your child will live elsewhere or you will not get contact.

All actions designed to protect children from physical/sexual and emotional harm or abuse.

Exposing children to adult hostility is a safeguarding issue

Op there is no middle way here.
Your sil bucks up and apologises sincerely and to your satisfaction or no contact.

End of.

Even the Marquis of Baths son, has banned his mother from seeing the baby after rude remarks made about his new wife Emma!!

They dont feel she is a good influence to have round the child.

Its not on, you dont need validation and this is YOUR child.

no one has to tell you its right or wrong you know!

Your sil has no rights to the child what, so . ever, even GP dont.

You are in charge and in control.

Good luck.

ExLt and Sock, genuinely shocking posts.

Glad she's apologised OP, you were completely in the right to set the boundaries of how you expect to be treated.

I wonder if some posters took against the way you phrased what you said to your SIL? It's kind of what your Mum would say if she was giving you a bollocking and they didn't think that was your place to talk to her like that (Just to be nosy out of interest, did you actually say it to her like that or was what you wrote in your OP just the general gist of it?)

You also didn't say what you'd fallen out with your SIL about, so the fact that it was racist would have probably changed the way people responded.

Whatever the reason posters said what they did, I think it speaks volumes that the general view that you were being unreasonable sank to the depths of likening you to Jezza Kyle

But you haven't mentioned any ways in which SIL might pose a danger to your son, you've just said that the two of you don't get on, which quite probably means you're both a pair of silly bitches.

What the fuck?

This thread is just bizarre and some of the replies are downright nasty.

OP, i'm glad you have sorted it for now

Completely agree with ZigZag, Sock and Lt. It's nasty to treat a SIL as she did, there is no excuse for racism, and even less for using a toddler as a pawn. A responsible parent shields a child from venom aimed at that parent (what could be more destabilising?) and a responsible adult doesn't expose them.

Glad it seems sorted, OP. I hope your SIL refrains from this nonsense in future. (I would add the same hope for some of the posters on this thread, but let's not wish for miracles, hey?)