Husband and I constantly argue about money and have totally different views. I can't work out who is being unreasonable?

[cleoteacher]

We have totally different attitudes to money. I don't know how to solve it and we have had another blazing row. I just don't know who is right or wrong anymore.

Basically he had a text from his mate to go out for drinks. He wanted to go but I reminded him he is low in his account. This leads to him ranting at me that it's my fault he can't go and I am dictating how he's spending his money and he earns x amount and only gets x amount of this. He's very mine, mine, mine in my opinion.

He then argues it's my fault because I got him a pair of trousers out of his account, which were less than half price. He argues these should have come out of the joint account and he didn't want me to get them for him. However , I thought I was doing something nice as the previous night he came home complaining that he urgently needed new trousers for work. I asked him twice before I brought them online if he wanted them and he said he did but is now saying he didn't want to upset me by saying no.

He then argued he should get it out the joint account as I had. £150 recently from a £450 tax rebate into my own account and the rest into savings and he had paid £1,000 bonus into the savings account recently out of a £2,000 bonus. The other £1,000 went towards the deposit on a car I didn't want.

He says I micro manage his money and constantly blames me for the fact he can't have nights out or new clothes. But he gets a set amount of money every month and chooses to spend it on other stuff so doesn't have the money for these things. He wants to get overdrawn to buy these things but I don't want to get overdrawn after spending years in our overdrafts and have worked bloody hard to get out of it. I know he's only talking about £10 or so snd he says he would make it up the following month but I feel like he wouldn't, he's very reckless with money. Plus I get half the amount he gets and I manage to buy clothes etc with that money without going overdrawn so feel while I work really hard to manage my money so should he. He's not willing to sacrifice one thing for something else like I am.

I want to save and feel we should underspend in our own accounts and use this to put into extra savings which he doesn't want to do as he doesn't care about any of the things I want to save for. Yet he wants a weeks holiday abroad next year and likes a warm house now we have a new boiler, all of which we only have due to my careful management of money.

So I get his point about being too controlling with the money but I feel I have to be of we would never have the savings. I don't dictate what he spends his money on I just ask him to stick to a certain amount which he says he can't do and should have more as he earns x amount plans only sees a small amount of that money.

I try to be a nice person about it and have got him a new paid of shoes as an early birthday present recently even though I had earmarked that money for some shoes myself. I just can't see who's right it wrong anymore.

Please be nice.

I feel upset and frustrated reading your posts, so God knows how you both feel on a daily basis.

Money is a bit of a flashpoint in my relationship - I am a stupid spender and dh is careful.

I can't get over your dh saying he deserves a lot more spending money than you. I am sure you are right that he doesn't value what you do.

However I also can't get over you knowing his account to the point you can warn him he doesn't have enough to go out for beers.

I'm actually not sure how you move forward. I hope that when things are calmer he might come up with some ideas himself but if he doesn't recignise that having kids means you have less disposable income I feel a bit despairing.

It shouldn't be like this but in your shoes I would seriously consider going back to employment because i am scared for you that at some point he will flounce. I would also make sure I'd saved a fuck-off fund of my own.

If he doesn't value what you do (caring for the DC, housework?) that's another big problem.

Work trousers should come out of joint money, as should shoes if they're essential, they're not much of a birthday present IMO. Nothing wrong with you buying clothes for him if that works for you as a couple but in your case it clearly doesn't and your attempt to be helpful is backfiring massively. Leave him to sort his own clothes out, and if that means he has no trousers to wear to the wedding and has to wear old scruffy ones and feel embarrassed about it that's his problem. Don't spend any money from his account ever, just let him sort himself out.

OP, money is one of the biggest source of arguments between married couples, so you're not alone here. I think that basically people tend to be either savers or spenders, and it's very hard for one kind to understand the other. Thankfully DH and I are both savers - I'd struggle to live with your DH tbh.

Maybe you should consider going on a marriage course to help improve your communication in this area?

Don't buy his clothes as it is obviously an area he finds annoying. Next time he says "I need new trousers" just reply "gosh yes so you do - I'm sure you'll get it sorted" and leave him to it. He is as able to walk into a shop and buy them as you are or go online. So you see some in the sale - text him that they are and tell him when the shop closes if he's keen to get them. If he asks you to get them don't. But don't be mean, just say "oh no you can sort yourself out I'm sure" and leave it.

Over all though he has a different attitude to money and it's so hard to reconcile that. I can totally see why he was annoyed with you when he wanted to have a drink with his friend. But I can see why you're worried too. Tough one.

Yeah this sounds controlling. Essentially he bought himself a birthday present? From his own money? No.

Personally I'd have let him go to the pub.

Dh and I have a joint ac. And separate accounts. Individual accounts are for wages to be paid into joint ac is for essentials - mortgage food bills petrol etc.

I have X amount a month left in my account after savings. This is mine to spend how I want. If j go overdrawn. It's my fault. Haven't for ages because I know I'm not getting any more money in)

Do you keep his cards and cash and hand it out to him?

Me and dh have always had wars paid into joint account with an equal "allowance" going back out into our individual accounts. We can spend our allowance on whatever the hell we want. This has worked brilliantly for us and no need for this squabbling and justifying. If we were going through a skint phase (eg when on maternity leave) we reduced the amount (equally).

wages paid. We're not funding wars from our joint account.

You are treating him like a child with pocket money, no wonder he resents it. You buy things out of his account for him , how would you feel if he did the reverse? As you have decided to split money this way you should allow him to manage it himself. I understand your frustration if he is constantly going od but if his everyday expenses are higher or go towards, say, petrol and entertainment for family outings the arrangement may need reviewing.

Ok, I am going to accept we are saving the few hundred from our joint money and try and save more through our joint account and my own account. Plus, try and be ok with him going overdrawn and not say anything. Otherwise this argument will never end.

you do that and it will be that way for the duration of your marriage!

you say HE decided to buy a car on finance (which you didn't want to do) instead of using his savings - he chose that so he should pay for it. Though i would chip in a nominal amount each month towards it as you are also getting use out of the car. I wouldn't pay half towards the car because it's an expense that could have been sensibly avoided had he NOT chosen to spend the savings on his other 'wants'. He basically forced you into a financial expense that YOU didn't need. I guess he wouldn't entertain the thought of a cheaper car?

If you top up your joint savings through sacrificing even more of your lower income then he's never going to see the 'result' of his selfishness and want to change his ways - because YOU will be making the house cosy for him at your own expense and providing home comforts for him.

Leave him to spend his 'fun money' however he wants - when he goes overdrawn that's HIS problem to solve without taking money out of the joint account. He'l soon get fed up of seeing his 'fun money' being spent on paying back the overdraft. The only problem i see with this is that any debt either of you incur on your individual accounts will be classed as 'joint debt' cos you're married - and THAT i would have an issue with because it isn't fair for you to be liable for a debt YOU didn't incur.

He doesn't 'deserve' more spending money than you simply because he 'earns' it....you are meant to be a team and YOU are helping him earn FAMILY money through being the main carer for the dc. Perhaps you should start charging him childminding fees! You both should have equal amounts of fun money cos you are BOTH 'earning' that FAMILY money. Your income is reduced due to maternity - does he seriously think that YOU alone should be financially 'penalised' for a JOINT decision to have dc?! Maybe he should trade places with you for a month and see the grass from the other side!

This is red flag behaviour to me. He has dc with you yet feels the negative financial impact of that should be yours alone to bear. He places more importance on satisfying his own wants and desires first - and fuck you or anything the family needs because HE doesn't consider it important. He thinks it's ok to get into debt rather than spend wisely. He chooses to disregard the decisions you jointly made about how the household budget is spent and blames YOU for his bad money management. He expects you to provide a comfortable home at your own expense. He doesn't share your values re money at all or even re plans for the future. He wants it all his own way.
OP - THIS IS HOW FINANCIAL ABUSE BEGINS!

If he can't see past the end of his nose NOW then i doubt he will further down the line. You sacrificing even more of yourself is NOT going to resolve this - it's only going to impact you negatively both financially and emotionally further down the line. Is this what you want for yourself and your dc for the rest of your lives?

I read this while sat up with a poorly ds. Wasn't sure wether to respond or not as money is a funny thing and what works for one doesn't work for everyone.

Me and dh have a joint account for bills and savings and both pay in a certain amount. What's left is ours and the other has no say over what's left.

At different times we have both had differing amounts. Mainly because our own money would be used for things like petrol for work. So when dh worked round the corner and I have a 40 minutes drive each way. So it made sense that I would have more so that once petrol was sorted then we would have roughly the same amount.

It only works because neither of us feel we are entitled to more because of the hours we work or our salaries.

We both now work from home running our own business so everything is pretty equal.

I wouldn't say you sound controlling. But your relationship does sound like it's more mother and child, rather than husband and wife.

I suspect neither of you are to blame for this dynamic though. More like a bad cycle that you have gone into.

I wouldn't want dh racking up debt. However I wouldn't be actively preventing him using his over draft. But then I trust dh and know that if he went into his over draft, he would sort it the next month and cut back then.

I wouldn't like dh dictating whether I could go out and spend a tenner.

Meant to add that in our 'everything into joint account then equal allowance out' situation, everything gets paid for from the joint account so bills, food, petrol, savings, joint fun stuff etc. We use individual accounts for purely independent spending - going out with friends, new shoes (me) etc.

So the family as a whole benefits/loses when income levels differ, not just one half of the relationship.

He has some valid points, he's having essentials bought as birthday presents and has to cut back because you wanted to change jobs and help out less financially. Your choice and wants impacted on everyone.

If he had wanted to earn much less and then controlled your spending to make up for it would you have been happy with the change in lifestyle?

Your H is being unreasonable. He's not earning money for himself, he's earning it for the family. You are part of the family and you are facilitating his ability to earn the money by looking after the children, so he doesn't have to, and he doesn't have to pay for childcare for someone else to look after them.

The biggest problem here seems to be that you have "grown up" and changed your spending priorities, and he hasn't. This is going to continue to be a problem unless he also "grows up" with regards to money management.

My parents had separate accounts, my father paid my mother housekeeping money and she paid the household bills out of it. He paid the mortgage and other big stuff. Mum worked too - all her money went into her own account and she used it for herself and us, clothing etc. Mum was a massive spendthrift though and as soon as she got a credit card, the trouble started. Dad had to pay off her credit card several times as she couldn't manage it. He felt that he had to keep his finances separate so she didn't just blow it all (a high possibility). It caused friction between them too - Mum felt she didn't get enough, Dad felt that she was careful enough with what she had. She certainly had no savings.

In your case, I see that others have already suggested it - you let him do what he wants with his personal money. Stop doing things for him, in terms of clothes etc. - he then has the choice, spend his money on beer or clothes. Spend his time on leisure or buying essentials. And if he fails to save, or goes overdrawn, that's his own look out. However - somehow he needs to realise that he can't just take money from the joint account to cover his excesses.

In terms of household priorities - well he's clearly decided that his priorities are more important than yours, which is definitely outwith the definition of an equal partnership - so your choice is to either accept his autocratic ways, or fight back and buy the stuff that YOU think is important, as he has done. And then if there's less money for gadgets and toys, too bad.

I hope you can find a way through this that doesn't involve you being walked all over.

My dh ismuch better on day to day managing of his account than me but every now and then he makes one big purchase while mine are constant small ones. If l was skint a day or two before pay day and my friends called me to go out he would give me the 10 to go out of his wallet no hassle. I would hate to miss an opportunity to catch up with friends over 10 pounds. I would especially hate it if l had recently got a bonus of 1000. I think the car is the big issue as it's not an equal want and your resentment over it is making you go hard on him. As your children get older this will become more difficult as they get more and more expensive and bigger sacrifices need to be made. But l wouldn't make a big deal over 10 as it makes him keep more and more for himself and builds resentment. Fighting over an expensive car is OK but not over a little night out. Presuming he is not going to the pub most nights.

It sounds like you take control and responsibility for his spending, you almost mother him

If my partner controlled my spending like that I would feel suffocated

Maybe back off and let him grow up a bit? It must be stifling!

You both sound at each extreme end money wise!
Your husband would drive me mad tbh.

I can't see the problem with picking up something that he has said he needs & of course it should come out of his account if that's how you do it.

Maybe the reminding him that his account was low was unnecessary?

Did he still have enough to go out?

I would just have left him to find out for himself tbh.

But I think that also in future I would have nothing to do with buying him stuff that needs to come out of his account-just leave him to it!

Thanks for replies . Yes I guess I have been policing his account as I suppose I don't trust him not to get overdrawn otherwise. A few years ago we were routinely £800-£1000 overdrawn every month in joint and his own account and I don't want to go back to being overdrawn as it is a debt. His attitude is very much well it's only a tenner etc but I don't think he would get overdrawn again to that extend.

Yes, I feel there is some incompatibility issues with attitudes especially to money and it's a problem. Our arguments go round in circles. I don't know what to do as we both stand our ground. Or I think we agree something and then in an argument he says he didn't agree and just went along with what I wanted. He says this about having £400 as he wants more.

Petrol- I guess could come out of joint account but it would stretch that account even futher. He is actually saving on petrol as new car is much more fuel efficient. He does a 20-30 min commute. My commute will be more like 45 mins sometime and I don't ask for petrol out the joint account. I do feel he wanted the car he's got and so should pay petrol. Any long family outings petrol comes out joint account.

I will step back then and not look at his account. Allow him to spend. I think within a couple of months he will be overdrawn though and never have any extra money to add to savings, whereas I have some frequently. This will be hard for me not to get annoyed about but I will try .

Clothes are a basic necessity but they are part of individual costs not bills and joint costs so that's why I feel they should come out of individual accounts. I feel if he managed his spending better and didn't want it all he could have clothes too. I manage with a much smaller amount, why can't he?

Ps I feel I have to manage it closely otherwise we would never have any savings and wouldn't be able to get any of the new things we have or holidays we want to go on.

He wants to go out but is low on cash and wants to go overdrawn to do so. I don't want him to.

If it is from his account then it is not up to you.

My DP does this and it really annoys me. If we get frivolous money for spending each month then what I do with it is up to me.

Petrol should be from the joint account.

^ duck is speaking a lot of sense up thread, my DH is a bit impulsive see it want it, but accepts that I think about the next few weeks and what is due to come out of the account before looking at the current balance. So if he wants something he doesn't just get it anymore. Living my way means he isn't overdrawn and withdrawing cash from credit cards any longer. Took a while for him to get it, but he does now.

Although I do get sick of the endless budgeting and penny pinching as a working single parent I can honestly I ay much prefer living independently than having to put up with shared finances and endless disagreements over how to spend it....

It sounds like hell.

Your approach to money is more sensible than his but you sound hugely controlling. Stop buying him clothes. He's not a child. You say you were trying to be nice but you can't agree personal spends for both of you and then start spending his for him. DH is super careful with money and loves a bargain but would be really cross if I started spending his pocket money account for him.

On balance then YANBU in intention but YABU in execution.

He sounds like a massive child but you are also treating him like his mum. Probably because he behaves like a child. Are there any other areas of life where he takes the child role and you the parent?

Oh and stop putting your spare pocket money in the savings. Have your own savings for when YOU want to buy something bigger. Otherwise you'll end up feeling very martyrish.