To maintain an unhealthy BMI?

[AliceScarlett]

Anything between 16.5 and 18.5 is OK with me, for me. I won't let it get above 18.5.
I have not noticed any physical health problems (apart from being bloody freezing all the time). I don't look emaciated and I eat healthy food, but about 1300 cals a day.

DH disagrees, he worries and thinks I'm "being anorexic" and is concerned about how it might effect my fertility (we are going to start ttc in 6 months).

I think I'm fine and BMI isn't the be all and end all of healthy weights anyway.

The fact that you "won't let it get above 18.5" and that your DH is concerned are big red flags. He isn't some stranger commenting on your body or what you eat, he knows and loves you. You may we'll be healthy but your attitude to it doesn't sound very healthy tbh

Oh OP

I was just like you in my 20's

I was anorexic - didn't vomit or abuser laxatives (much) just didn't eat - it's not healthy to be so obsessed with calories and food x

Pants on fire

Pants on fire

You what?

I think Soub-dull didn't see need to add the "Liar liar..." bit.

Being cold all the time sucks. I eat like a pig & I'm still prone to being cold, but at least I warm up sporadically when I get busy.

Oh please, people, don't start using this thread to discuss calorie counts and FitBit - NOT what the OP needs.

And this: I'd have a think about increasing your activity level (this should allow you to eat more calories - and hopefully feel less hungry - without putting on a large amount of weight). Really unhelpful advice in this context, as obsessive exercise often features in eating disorders.

OP, none of us can know whether you are an incipient anorexic. It's not helpful for people here to be picking over your weight and calorie intake and comparing it to their own. What matters, ultimately, is how much of your life, mental energy and self-esteem is tied up with your eating habits and body size. I get that you are not ready to see your GP. But please do have a look at the b-eat website I posted above, have a think, perhaps talk to people on the forum there.

I do understand, from experience, how fantastic it feels to be skinny after being overweight. But trust me, anorexia is a very grim experience and if there is any risk of you sliding in there you really want to check it now

I think it is fine to watch your weight and not want to go over a certain level. It is the fact that you are pegging that level at an unhealthy figure that is the problem. Why not limit yourself to 1
9/19.5/20. I think 20 used to be the beginning of the healthy range before it dropped. Surely you could still feel in control while eating 1400-1500 and a bmi of say 19? Got to be better for potential baby.

My TDEE is 1603, so, I guess I am under eating and under estimating.

devora has the best advice.

It's all about how it impacts upon your life, NOT what weight you are.

Speaking as someone who had an ed, please, please go and see your gp. You without a doubt have an ed and it can make you ill very quickly. You have an obsession with calories and weight and an unhealthy bmi. You need help and your gp CAN help.

YABU, sorry. You have described a disordered approach to eating in your fixation with BMI, calorie intake, rigidity of thinking in terms of not letting your BMI get into the healthy range (19-25) and so I suspect you definitely fall somewhere within the eating disorder spectrum.

If you are TTC or thinking of it soon then this sort of calorific restriction is going to make it harder to conceive and harder to carry a pregnancy to term. It won't be impossible, just more difficult.

Even if you do manage to have a child, take a moment to think about what sort of relationship with food you want them to have. It's not easy if you haven't come to terms with your own nutritional demons to raise children with a healthy attitude towards their own diet. I would try and get help if you can - you don't need to return to your old habits or pile the weight on, but you do sound like you need some sort of therapy to address your issues with regard to over and under eating.

A quick Google shows being underweight when you conceive/are pregnant increases risk for miscarriage, premature birth and infant mortality in the first year of baby's life.

To a degree to continue this way when it only affects your health directly is one thing, go put another life at risk is imho irresponsible.

I think you'd also really struggle when pregnant. You're supposed to gain fat when pregnant. Certain nutrients need fat to be absorbed properly, certain fats are essential for a developing baby especially brain and nerve tissue. Also for breast feeding.

If you're so sure you don't have an Ed go to your gp and see what they say? Prove us and your husband wrong?

Fwiw I lost 3 before having dd (endo at that stage undiagnosed/untreated) and I would not wish that on anyone!

I had a very low bmi for most of my 20s. Due to overwork and I can only assume a high metabolism as I did eat plenty, just at 2eurd hours because of my intense job. Looking back at photos, I was too thin. But people rarely see themselves objectively.

I know that you can conceive successfully and carry a child successfully being underweight, tend of thousands of malnourished women do it everyday. However your pregnancy will be tearing nutrients from your organs and bones if you don't give it enough nutrients daily through your food.

In your situation generally I would be concerned on the wear and year you are doing on your body long term. Osteoporosis is a very high risk as you age, you will also be impacting on your skin and teeth. Until you lose your health you have no idea how unimportant your vanity becomes.

The level of control you want to impose on your body is worrying. There is a difference in maintaining a low BMI by imposing control rather than naturally following your body's rhythms. (Even then, some people will have a healthy lifestyle and others won't)

With regard to TTC, pregnancy can be very chaotic on your body. I started pregnancy 1 at the upper end of the normal range, and needed those reserves as a few months of nausea destroying my appetite brought it down to the lower end. When I could face eating food again, a combination of a big baby, fluid and reduced metabolism from becoming sedentary caused my body to gain 50% of my bodyweight. Some of that was a rapid loss in the weeks after the birth, some of it was lost gently in the following year.

That was physically a big toll, but also pregnancy causes open season on commentary from other people on what I was eating or not eating. If your mental attitude to eating is disordered then that is a lot of extra pressure at a time when you're physically vulnerable and mentally adjusting to a rapidly changing body.

Why have you not opted to add exercise into your weight maintenance / loss programme? You say you lost four stone just by dieting alone? What if you were to up your calories and add in some exercise? Then you would be fitter and physically stronger, which wouldn't hurt for if you are TTC, as well as having a huge positive impact on anxiety and stress.

But that aside..yes, as others have said, it does sound as though you are on a spiral leading to further disordered behaviour eating wise. It is good that your DP is concerned and is wanting you to examine what is going on and that you are willing to look into it.

I can't understand people who never exercise out of choice.
My mental health would fall to many bits if I didn't have a generally active lifestyle.
My whole objection to being fat would be around the idea that it screwed up my mobility & active lifestyle. Must be so much harder to stay motivated about staying thin if it makes no difference to what your body can do, anyway.

I don't know if this is helpful or not but I think that disordered eating is common and probably applies to everyone who is obese/ very overweight for a start.

I have a friend who took dieting too far at university, at 5'7 ish got down to under 8 stone (not sure to what, but she was very thin). Then one day bit like you she woke up and realised this wasn't right. So she reset her target weight to 9st which she still weighs 20 years later. I'm guessing her eating is still 'disordered' but she is perfectly healthy.

Any chance of maybe aiming to maintain at 10stone/ 10stone7 ish? If you can maintain where you are now that would surely be a doddle in comparison? I'm 176 and weigh around 10st7 which works for me, no idea how many calories I eat, probably about 2000, more some days and less others. I think taller women need to eat more tbh.

ED services won't take people with my BMI I don't think

They can and they will. My BMI has never dipped below 18.5 but I'm in a treatment programme for anorexia (technically atypical because of the ludicrous BMI diagnostic point) at the moment and I am a long way from being the largest person there. I know I'm not fat but I'm still anorexic.

It sounds to me like your eating habits/fears are not dissimilar to mine. I cannot cope with gaining weight and going up a dress size - the fear of that is utterly crippling. It's a miserable way to live though.

DH went on a carers course as part of my treatment and a lot of the people there were speaking about their loved ones coming into an eating disorder from losing weight/getting healthy and then not being able to relax. It's such a common route in, and it does sound like what has happened here. Please speak to your GP for help. There are great treatment programmes available on the NHS without you having to be hospitalised - mine is workbook based therapy and I have an outpatient appointment each week. You need to get better because this can and will take over your life.

I'm in London Dancingqueen so am probably getting better treatment than in other parts of the country (am at the Maudsley). I know there's a huge variation across the country but the OP won't know what is available where she is until she seeks it out.

I have a lot of sympathy for you OP, but I can also see why your DH is worried.

My advice, for what it's worth, is that you shd keep your focus on eating WELL, but maybe make some tweaks.

BMI is looking at weight/height only ... ie doesn't look at % fat versus % muscle ... so check you are strong and that you have sufficient strength to get you thru a pregnancy, and still have enough in reserve for the post-birth babycare?

It can be exhausting not getting enough sleep after the baby arrives, with the risk of turning to sugars and 'bad' carbs just to keep going, so best to be in peak condition before you give birth if poss ... like training for a big sports event!

Maybe include more good fats in your diet? (Eg quality olive oil, butter?) They will keep you warm/feeling full, and are good for general health. And more protein? (Eg eggs for bfast instead of dry toast? Eggs are full of goodness and keep you going a long time.)

And a bit more dairy too, if you want strong bones for your old age? So some cheese, more milk/cream, or full-fat plain greek yog? But make sure you are getting enough veg/fibre/fluids. I sometimes had to resort to putting some bran into my yog or scrambled eggs when I was not eating enough fibre.

Personally, I would ditch the raisins and choc at 10pm. Banana, (not too ripe), with fresh/single cream, is sweet enough for me & much better I think? (Also very good for inducing sleep.) While raisins/choc chips are just all sugar and not much goodness in there I reckon?

I don't really think you have a full blown ED right now. You are just, (quite rationally), worried about gaining weight and not being able to lose it again.

But maybe you do need to loosen up a bit, as you shdn't need to be calorie counting all the time? (Just have a meal routine and listen to real hunger/your body's needs?)

Once you are pregnant, there's no need to eat a LOT more .... just normal amounts should be OK. But if you are slightly underweight at the start of a pregnancy, (and as you have been a higher weight in the past), your body might start 'telling' you to eat a LOT more calories, once you decide to listen to it. So only eat a little bit more, and make it something with good nutrient value. Also try to keep active eg walk a lot if you can. (To keep yourself lean/strong.)

It's OK, IMO, to keep weighing yourself regularly before, during and after a pregnancy, so you can see what's going on there. (Think that one shd be putting on about 10kg in order to give birth?)

And don't automatically panic if you put on more that 10kg. Just try not to gain too much in the 1st 4 -5 months. (Like I did!)

I think it's a good idea to check, (once you start to gain), that you are not getting fat all over, and only growing a healthy baby/bump. (You will be able to judge this I think if you stand naked in front of a big mirror?)

FYI, my weight has gone up and down throughout my life, as I always can put on weight v rapidly as soon as I eat too much/make poor choices. So I can understand why you want to keep control over your diet the way you do. (And that you fear that your appetite cannot be trusted.)

But right now, (in my late 50s/being more sensible), my weight is stable/the same as when I was 18, and it has been like that for about 20 yrs now, tho I don't do anywhere as much exercise as when I was 18. This is cos I have learned roughly how much I need to eat and what sort of foods to avoid. And I average out what I eat. (So I eat what I want but I try to make good choices overall.)

I am sometimes a bit hungry but I try to stick to my meal time and I never let my hunger get out of hand. (Tho occasional hunger isnt such a bad thing? Some ppl even think it's the key to a longer life?)

I feel my best at my current weight. (Nb Even a few kgs more makes me feel more tired/uncomfortable.) So this must be how I am meant to be? (And I can't imagine how it would feel to carry around a bag of 10/20/30 kgs more on a daily basis!)

For the record, my BMI is just 20. (At 60kg)

We are so VERY fortunate to live in a country of cheap and constantly available food, but the result is that most adults in the UK are now overweight and cannot go for more than a few yrs without food. So we must either learn to resist our natural urges, (and social pressure), to eat and eat, (and go for the wrong sorts of foods), or else risk ending up unhealthily fat?

It's always going to be hard to walk that narrow line between appearing food/diet obsessed and piling on the pounds with the majority?

Anyway good luck, as I can imagine how tricky this weight management situation is going to be for you in your life. But I think you will be OK, as long as you can relax the calorie counting/eat a little bit more? And I'm sure NHS staff will be far more worried about seeing an OBESE mum-to-be as opposed to a slightly slimmer one?

Wonder how much Kate Middelton weighed before she got pregnant? (Cos she still seemed to be able to give birth to 2 healthy-weight children?) The key must be WHAT you eat and what you DO NOT eat ... aswell as what's a normal weight for your build/how well you feel?

Alice I'm an obstetric registrar. If we put aside whether or not you have an eating disorder (which I think is likely but it is up to you how you manage this) your original post was about TTC. It is less likely that you will conceive anyway but as your periods are regular this may be fine. The problems start once you are pregnant. You are significantly increasing your chances of placental insufficiency, growth restriction in your baby and stillbirth plus as someone mentioned previously you are increasing the risks of neonatal death after birth. If you can manage to get your BMI up to 19+ and maintain this through pregnany you will be doing your baby a huge favour and if you could maintain this after you will be decreasing your risks of long term health problems and premature death. That all sounds really harsh but you asked for the facts on this. I hope this helps in some way.

Also, the stress of seeing your body grow out of your control, people thinking you're fat and not pregnant (I was massively paranoid about this) and then the constant talk of what you're eating and losing baby weight is a huge head fuck when you have an ED.

My first baby it almost completely overshadowed my enjoyment of the initial few months. Second time round once I'd made decent inroads in overcoming my ED and I've enjoyed it much more.

So many reasons to go and get advice. When I first approached my GP I was recovering and gaining weight, but asked for help in doing so. I had a 'healthy' BMI but an unhealthy mind. I was given weekly therapy on the NHS and have been under the care of the eating disorder clinic of my hospital ever since.