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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: friend wants my husband to pay for own suit to be best man

98 replies

Sayyousayme007 · 04/11/2015 13:33

Hello,
Our friend is getting married and my husband is his best man which is a lovely request, however, the wedding is at distance and he has been asked to pay for the chosen suit. AIBU In that we are paying already for the hotel, gift and travel to think that's excessive?
TIA

OP posts:
SenecaFalls · 04/11/2015 17:17

In the US it is the custom for the BM and groomsmen to pay for their own attire but no one is ever expected to buy a whole suit to be in a wedding. They are almost always hired and the cost is very reasonable. It is usually expected, though, that accommodations for out of town wedding attendants are provided by the B and G or their families.

wonkylegs · 04/11/2015 17:25

We paid for the suit hire and the bridesmaid dresses, we also paid for rooms in the hotel for the bridesmaid and best man and their partners. We were asking them to wear specific clothes and stay in a particular fancy hotel so we budgeted to pay for them, it only seemed fair.

waitaminutenow · 04/11/2015 17:25

Yanbu....we paid for everything for our ushers and bm's...even the flights and hotel rooms!!

daisychain01 · 04/11/2015 17:56

Can't they rent all the outfits? It would be a lot cheaper and at least you can just hand them back afterwards.

B&G to pay of course...

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 04/11/2015 18:10

Yes, I definitely agree with the majority. If bride & groom choose the outfit they pay for it, whether that be hire or purchase. If you are just asked to "wear a suit" or "dress smartly" then you either buy something you know you'll be able to wear again or you wear something you already own.

I also hate the "budget" argument. If something isn't in your budget for your wedding why the hell do you think someone else should have a budget for it? Confused Travel costs, hotel rooms, drinks & gifts are all you can expect a guest at a wedding to pay for. And even then the guest gets to choose how they travel, whether they take a hotel room - and where - and what gift they give.

Want2bSupermum · 04/11/2015 18:16

YANBU - When DH and I got married we paid for the suit hire and bridesmaid dresses. I had my sister and bridesmaid pick the dress and stupid me didn't give them a budget. Thank goodness there were only two! The dresses each cost the same as my bridal gown.

I would do as others have said and check to make sure they are ok with a black suit and white shirt and they can provide the tie and waistcoat/cumberband.

madcapped · 04/11/2015 18:35

I'm american, have been in several weddings and never had to pay for my dresses. At my own wedding, we paid for our entire party's outfits, hair and make up, hotels and flights.

RaspberryOverload · 04/11/2015 18:47

Mintyy
Yanbu, of course yanbu.

If you can't afford for your bridesmaids/best men/ushers/whoever to have matching outfits or clothes that you have chosen at your wedding then you don't have them. That's that.

Totally agree. You plan your wedding according to your budget. You don't get other people to subsidise you.

WickedWax · 04/11/2015 18:50

My sister is getting married this year, and told the (nine!) groomsmen that they are paying for their own suits, but that it is their wedding gift to them, and they aren't expecting presents from the groomsmen

How very presumptuous of her. They "aren't expecting presents" from the groomsmen - I'd bloody hope not, the cheeky buggers! Shock

CFSsucks · 04/11/2015 19:33

YANBU, they should be paying and it's cheeky of them to expect your DH to pay, especially when it requires travel just to attend. Does nobody have a wedding near their home anymore? Everyone seems to need to travel and stay somewhere. When we got married we did it in our home town, all of our friends and families lived here. Only travellers were a couple of uni friends and my GPs who lived abroad.

stoppingbywoods · 04/11/2015 19:36

YANBU. I wouldn't dream of asking someone to be bridesmaid and pay for the privilege. Why should they? My bridesmaids had better things to do with their money and if they wanted to splash out on clothes/jewellery they should be able to do it unfettered by the constraints of my wedding. Same rule applies.

budgiegirl · 04/11/2015 20:14

However they were allowed to wear whatever suit or dress they wanted as long as it was to my colour scheme which was fuchsia pink

But what if the bridesmaid doesn't own a fuchsia pink dress? She'd have to go out and buy one just for the wedding. It may be a colour she'd never normally wear, so may never wear the dress again.

If it's not in the B&Gs budget for the wedding, why should the cost be passed onto the bridesmaid? If you can't afford to have bridesmaids, don't have them!

BackforGood · 04/11/2015 20:22

YANBU

Like many others have said - if the request (as was often the way, back in the day, before weddings got all 'matchy' was for him to "wear a smart suit" then that's not too bad, as it's something he can wear over years, and he'd presumably be wearing a suit to attend as a guest anyway.
As soon as the decision is taken that the B&G dictate what is to be worn, then they have to be prepared to fund that, IMO.

So - for my bridesmaids, I bought the dresses (well, had them made, but the point is I provided them). I wasn't bothered how they wanted to do their hair, or what shoes they wore, so they were happy to wear ones they already had or get some they would wear again. Everyone happy. If'd I'd felt the need for every tiny detail to be matched, then I would have provided shoes, hair dresser etc.

spritefairy · 04/11/2015 20:30

I was happy for it to be a hairclip budgie so a fiver maximum

Rememberallball · 04/11/2015 20:44

We bought best man's suit (my dss/DH ds) and his shirt& tie; also bought dress for maid of honour (dsd) they provided accessories. DNephew (acting as father of bride) had his own suit already and flower girls (DNieces x2 and dsgd) we bought dresses, cardigans, shoes, socks and bags.

Puddlejumpingqueen · 04/11/2015 21:15

I am a bit worried I am being unreasonable now Confused (sorry to use your thread)

I am having one bridesmaid and gave her a budget (£250) and said it was to cover everything (dress, shoes etc) and they could pick the dress as long as it was a fairly neutral colour. She decided she just had to have a certain dress which was the whole budget so I said that she would have to pay for the shoes and accessories. Should I have stumped up for these as well?

Also BM/ushers we just asked them to wear whatever suits they had as it is a very relaxed wedding and I am not fussed about matching and I know they all have suits for work. We don't expect gifts from anyone by the way, just worried I should have paid for the men too?

flashheartscanoe · 04/11/2015 21:25

My husband was asked to be best man at a wedding in Australia! It was a very good friend so we agreed he would go and I would stay in the UK with the kids -all fine. They then said he had to pay over £100 to hire his suit. AS WELL AS PAYING FOR A FLIGHT TO AUSTRALIA. We thought this was so rude and agreed that my DH would suggest wearing his own suit. Groom said no and offered to go halves! (I actually think my DH paid but didn't tell me).

flashheartscanoe · 04/11/2015 21:27

Puddle, I don't think you are BU. £250 is generous, if she picked the dress she will get to wear it again. I would be happy very happy with that.

LemonySmithit · 04/11/2015 21:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BackforGood · 04/11/2015 21:49

No Puddle - £250 is far more than she should have needed to buy a dress and shoes - if she chose to blow it all on a dress, that's her problem. Completely different from OP.

Bimblywibble · 04/11/2015 21:49

Puddle no, shoes etc are fair enough I think, as long as you're not too prescriptive.

My gift to my BMs was a necklace each, which they wore on the day.

whois · 04/11/2015 21:59

It's absolutely fucking bullshit this whole 'pay for your own dress' thing.

Can't afford to buy bridesmaid dresses? Then don't have bridesmaids or let them wear their own dresses! I'm a firm believer that it shouldn't cost the bm or best man or groomsmen to attent the wedding in that role.

I spent fucking hundreds on a friends wedding recently. 2/3 of the dress. Luckily I already had shoes and necklace that looked nice. Paid lots towards the hen do. Wedding abroad so flights accommodation and annual leave. And then they had a free bar and kept banging on about how they wanted to do something nice for their friends... I'm like well you could have started by doing something nice for your best friends and paid for my bloody dress! It would have been an insignificant cost on the bar tab.

Puddlejumpingqueen · 04/11/2015 22:02

Ah brilliant - thanks everyone - I have said any shoes and am paying for hair and make -up.

OP I am with you - YANBU

NotSayingImBatman · 04/11/2015 22:24

I paid for kilt hire for all the groomsmen and paid for hair/make up/dresses for the bridesmaids. Told them to buy their own shoes though as the dresses were so long they couldn't be seen anyway. Heavily pregnant maid of honour wore her ugg boots Grin

Wombat87 · 05/11/2015 00:18

Am sisters bridesmaid. She's asking us to pay for dresses as she's got 6. Comes with the understanding that we a) won't pay a lot of money for something we don't like or b) couldn't wear again. If it's not that expensive I'm not too fussed.

If brides are happier to be more flexible with what their maids wear.... Then I'm fine either way. I wouldn't expect to pick out a £400 dress that doesn't suit everyone, they could potentially wear just the once, in a colour I've matched to flowers which they may not like.... Then ask them to foot the bill.

Bit much if it's an abroad wedding though if people are paying to get there etc