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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU: friend wants my husband to pay for own suit to be best man

98 replies

Sayyousayme007 · 04/11/2015 13:33

Hello,
Our friend is getting married and my husband is his best man which is a lovely request, however, the wedding is at distance and he has been asked to pay for the chosen suit. AIBU In that we are paying already for the hotel, gift and travel to think that's excessive?
TIA

OP posts:

Ricardian · 04/11/2015 14:19

Matching suits are common, anyway. A gentleman should own an assortment of good quality bespoke suits for any occasion, and it is rude to imply he doesn't by demanding he wear your choice.

Inertia · 04/11/2015 14:19

Yanbu. Bride and groom either choose and pay, or accept that your H will wear an appropriate suit that he already owns.

Floggingmolly · 04/11/2015 14:21

As best man, I'd hope he'd find the budget to do it
No, as Groom, the friend should have made sure there was room in his budget to pay for it.

ClaraLane · 04/11/2015 14:24

We have bought the suits for our best men and groomsmen however we asked them for a small contribution (about PS15) as they said they would rather contribute to the suits and get to keep them afterwards rather than have us pay to hire them just for the day. We've also asked them to wear a white shirt and dark shoes but other than that we're paying.

ARightOldPickle · 04/11/2015 14:25

At DD's wedding the men in the wedding party (including ushers) were asked to wear a dark suit and white shirt, and ties were provided in the wedding colour. Pretty reasonable I thought and they all seemed happy, they were in various colours - dark grey, black, navy and looked very smart.
If the couple want specific suits/kilts then I don't think it's reasonable to ask them to pay.

middlings · 04/11/2015 14:25

YANBU if that wasn't the expectation at the beginning. The thing about this particularly grating import from the US (and I agree it is BTW) is that over there, bridal party finery seems to be far more reasonably priced. So when I was a bridesmaid for a friend my dress was $95. And the decision on it was a conversation between the bride and bridesmaids - although the bride did stipulate the colour which I hated. I paid for my dress and shoes and hair and did my own face. She paid for the flowers. But that was the expectation from the beginning, I had my own choice of shoes so long as they were black and bought a pair on Amazon for $15 that I didn't bother bringing home with me.

At our wedding, we didn't make the men have matching suits (which looks weird unless it's morning dress anyway) and they just wore matching ties, which we bought.

Sazzle41 · 04/11/2015 15:03

If its a definite look or colour scheme they want , tradition is they should pay and he maybe provides shirt/shoes. Cant the suit or something more or less identical be hired or are they trying for a flashy wedding they can't really afford and hoping people with subsidise ?

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 04/11/2015 15:31

They should pay for it or pay to hire one I think.

vienna1981 · 04/11/2015 15:32

Certainly if the bride and groom are calling the shots about the bridesmaids' and groomsmen's outfits then it is perfectly reasonable that they should fit the bill.

I have been to two weddings where it was expected/requested/demanded that I wear a penguin suit (incidentally, I looked a complete cunt on both occasions - never again). Me and the other male saps had to pay for the hire of these outfits, whereas the bridal party got all theirs paid for. Talk about adding insult to injury.

vienna1981 · 04/11/2015 15:33

Sorry, "foot the bill..."

WhereYouLeftIt · 04/11/2015 15:44

"he has been asked to pay for the chosen suit."
'Chosen' implies to me that the choice was made by the B&G rather than your husband. Well, just as he who pays the piper calls the tune, he who calls the tune must pay the piper. B&G chooses, B&G pays.

Junosmum · 04/11/2015 15:53

We didn't pay for any groomsmans suits. But neither did we specify what suit they had to wear (asked them all if they had a grey suit, they did). Some chose to buy a new suit, other didn't. We provided matching ties and pocket squares and socks. If they want a specific suit they should pay, if they just want a suit, your OH should chose it and pay, or wear one he already owns.

WickedWax · 04/11/2015 16:00

We specified suits, ties, shoes, cufflinks , bridesmaid dresses, hair, make up, accessories nd paid for the whole lot.

I'd have been cringing with embarrassment if I'd had to ask anyone to pay for their own, utterly rude. If you can't afford to pay for what you want then you need to rethink your wedding plans.

KERALA1 · 04/11/2015 16:03

The law is surely if you are telling people to wear a specific thing you buy it if they can choose then you don't.

Was shocked when my SIL (well paid professional) insisted her bridesmaids bought their own dresses. One of them rebelled and they fell out.

TendonQueen · 04/11/2015 16:03

Agree, they should pay. I don't like this 'it's not in our budget' from couples. If not, you have no right to expect others to pay up.

namechangedtoday15 · 04/11/2015 16:36

OP, I feel your pain. DH was in the same position some time ago - couple in question asked for DH and ushers to pay for their own suits. This was on top of taking time off work, staying in a hotel for 2 nights, gardening for the day (wedding was in a marquee in a relative's garden) then said relative said they'd all go out for a meal the night before the wedding (after said gardening), the bill came and he said something along the lines of "I work everyone's share out to be £x".

One of the ushers and his wife haven't spoken to wedding couple since the wedding.

It shouldn't come to that. It is poor form to ask a wedding party to contribute whether they're choosing their outfits or not.

spritefairy · 04/11/2015 16:43

I had a budget wedding and a way of keeping costs down was bridesmaids and groomsmen paid for own clothes.

However they were allowed to wear whatever suit or dress they wanted as long as it was to my colour scheme which was fuchsia pink. Eg a pink tie for example

SurlyCue · 04/11/2015 16:43

Goodness, from what i read on MN it seems like B&Gs are getting cheekier every year!

If you want your BMs or GM to wear a specific outfit you pay for it. I cant believe the poster who "justifies" making her bridesmaied pay for accessories she chose because she couldnt afford them! Err well have fewer bridesmaids then! Or dont have the accessories. Or pick cheaper ones!

Rivercam · 04/11/2015 16:43

Bride and groom should pay. It's rude to expect you to pay for the suit. Not sure how you are going to explain this to the happy couple though.

If you don't say anything, then you feel resentful. If you say something, then it could cause a problem.

Perhaps suggest you wear a suit you already have, and coordinate with matching ties etc.

LemonySmithit · 04/11/2015 16:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bimblywibble · 04/11/2015 17:00

it's fine they can't stretch to buying him a new suit but they should either pay for him to hire one or just ask for something generic like a grey suit.

But I'm not sure he can politely make them do that. I think it's fine for him to say sorry mate, just can't stretch to it. Do you want me to step down, or will this suit I've already got do, or can I hire one similar enough? (Though he'll prob end up forking out for the hire).

MummaV · 04/11/2015 17:04

The decisions made about our wedding party outfits were made in full agreement of everybody and no one was asked to buy anything as such, they volunteered to buy the accessories so that they could have nicer suits/dresses. The offer of wearing something they already had in the colour scheme etc was offered but the decisions we made were agreed upon by everyone. Our budget would not have allowed what they wanted (not what was specified by me, as long as it was purple I wasn't fussed).

I dont think it should be sprung on you though. If you agree to be a best man/usher/bridesmaid it should be made clear at the time if any costs are involved so that you can decide if you are willing. If you agree and are then told 6 months down the line 'oh it's going to be £250 for the suit' its not acceptable.

bittapitta · 04/11/2015 17:07

DH's own brother made him pay for his best man suit. One of the many things I found inconsiderate about their wedding day. But DH probably doesn't remember! I would never have got the wedding party to pay for anything themselves.

AutumnLeavesArePretty · 04/11/2015 17:09

YANBU, the bride and groom should cover all costs. If they can't, then they either save for longer or downscale.

Asking someone to be best man or bridesmaid and then expecting them to pay for that duty is awful.

vienna1981 · 04/11/2015 17:13

Ricardian. I've just read your post about a 'gentleman...owning an assortment of good quality suits...for any occasion'. Is this for real ?

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