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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU: friend wants my husband to pay for own suit to be best man

98 replies

Sayyousayme007 · 04/11/2015 13:33

Hello,
Our friend is getting married and my husband is his best man which is a lovely request, however, the wedding is at distance and he has been asked to pay for the chosen suit. AIBU In that we are paying already for the hotel, gift and travel to think that's excessive?
TIA

OP posts:
catfordbetty · 04/11/2015 13:37

I agree. If the bride and groom want people in a specific costume they should cough up for it.

MummaV · 04/11/2015 13:37

Yes and no.
We agreed with our best man that we would buy the jacket and trousers if he paid for the matching shirt, tie, cufflinks etc. Same with our bridesmaids, we paid for the dress, they paid for matching shoes, bags, accessories. This was because we had included this in our budget but couldn't afford it all.
I am being a bridesmaid next summer and have been asked to buy my own dress as their budget won't stretch. I have agreed on the provision that it is affordable as I don't have a lot of disposable income.

I think it should be discussed and should be affordable. If it's not the couple getting married should at least pay something towards it.

loveulotslikejellytots · 04/11/2015 13:37

Could your DH explain the above and ask if he could wear a suit he already has with perhaps a matching/coordinating shirt or tie. Chances are it won't match the groom or wedding party, but when we got married we paid for suits/dresses if we wanted people to wear a certain one.

goodnessgraciousgoudaoriginal · 04/11/2015 13:41

It depends.

Traditionally, it should be the groom/couple that pay for the outfits of the bridal party. The whole issue of asking the bridal party to pay for themselves is a particularly grating import from the US.

That said, I think if the couple aren't asking anyone to wear specific outfits, then it's okay.

To be a bit clearer, if the request is "please wear a black suit and a red tie" then I think that is much more reasonable than "here is the website link to the suit I want you to buy/rent".

It might be worth your DH speaking to the groom to see what sort of expectations they would have over the suits. If they have a very specific suit in mind, then your DH would be totally within his rights to say that it isn't within his means, and he will step aside.

That said, I'd be wary over two things here:

  1. This isn't your place to get involved. It's for your DH and the groom to sort out
  2. If the couple start saying things about "contributions to the wedding" or making snide comments about everything else they are paying for, then I'd advise backing away quite sharpish.

A wedding isn't for the guests to subsidise.

Unreasonablebetty · 04/11/2015 13:43

We paid for all the wedding parties outfits and accessories. I don't think it's polite to ask someone to do something then make them pay PS200 or so.

Unreasonablebetty · 04/11/2015 13:43

Not ps200 but PS200

Unreasonablebetty · 04/11/2015 13:45

No idea what happened there. It was a pound sign before I posted with 200

Helmetbymidnight · 04/11/2015 13:46

Why would I buy clothes to wear only once that someone else had chosen for me?

It wouldn't occur to me- fortunately no one has ever told me too either.

AlwaysHope1 · 04/11/2015 13:47

Both, yabu in that your dh should pay for the suit, but one that he chooses. Yanbu to want the tie, or anything colour co-ordinated to be paid for.

budgiegirl · 04/11/2015 13:50

YANBU.
I really object to the idea that the best man \ bridesmaids should have to fork out for their clothes for the wedding. If the B&G want a specific suit/dress then they should pay for it (and I personally think that should include shoes if it's anything more that a pair of black work shoes). I paid for everything for my bridesmaids including accessories, hair and makeup, and we hired all the suits for the best man and ushers.

If it's not in the B&G's budget, then they should just say 'please wear a suit'.

WeAreEternal · 04/11/2015 13:50

I always believed the rule to be;
If B&G choose the outfit they pay,
if the bridsmaid/groomsman choose the outfit (or al least have a lot of say) they are usually expected to pay.

GloGirl · 04/11/2015 13:51

Yanbu, but theres really not much you can do. As best man I'd hope he would be able to find the budget to do it. If you're really very skint you could suggest that he could borrow a suit, or buy a very cheap one from a charity shop or Asda.

Unmarriedhousewife · 04/11/2015 13:52

I was made to pay for my dress, my hair and 1/3 of the room that she wanted us to stay in the night before the wedding. Plus other expenses. In my opinion they should've waited another year until they could comfortably afford it themselves.

Mintyy · 04/11/2015 13:54

Yanbu, of course yanbu.

If you can't afford for your bridesmaids/best men/ushers/whoever to have matching outfits or clothes that you have chosen at your wedding then you don't have them. That's that.

MaxPepsi · 04/11/2015 13:55

I think the bride and groom should pay for the suits and bridesmaid dresses and them not being able to afford it doesn't wash with me.

If you can't afford the wedding you want then you need to adjust your ideas and budget accordingly.

Sevendayweek · 04/11/2015 14:00

What MaxPepsi says. Why does it all have to matter so much? Can't they just enjoy the special day with their nearest & dearest? Who even cares what colour suit the best man is wraring ffs

MovingOnUpMovingOnOut · 04/11/2015 14:03

...Same with our bridesmaids, we paid for the dress, they paid for matching shoes, bags, accessories. This was because we had included this in our budget but couldn't afford it all.

That's not an acceptable justification. If your budget won't stretch choose something cheaper or have less bridesmaids but don't make it someone else's problem.

Your wedding, you pay for it. My wedding, I'll pay for it. Sorted :)

OP YANBU. Why can't they hire suits any way? Much cheaper.

clarabellski · 04/11/2015 14:06

This happened to my DH (we refer to it now as Kiltgate). He and 2 friends were asked to be ushers - lovely. A few months later, the request came to pay for the hire of the kilts (given wedding was abroad it required a longer hire than usual at considerable expense - PS250). They didn't want to pay and end result was they weren't ushers, just guests.

If payment towards hire/purchase of specific outfit is required, I think the bride/groom need to make it clear up front when asking if you want to be an usher/best man. Avoids awkward situations.

catlover97 · 04/11/2015 14:07

Absolutely YANBU.

I hate that it's becoming more and more common to have a wedding you might really want but can't afford and thus expect people to subsidize whether it's "money for a honeymoon rather than gifts" or people in the wedding party paying for full on outfits they'd never wear again.

I was asked to be a bm then 3 months later asked to pay for the dress "because all the others are" (well that's ok then! Hmm ) I relented because she was a good friend but further requests kept coming (hair/makeup/shoes that she chose), I kept refusing, we eventually had a barney and no longer have any contact.

looksamess · 04/11/2015 14:07

YANBU

If you can't afford the wedding you want then you need to adjust your ideas and budget accordingly.

That exactly.

Lemonfizzypop · 04/11/2015 14:08

Yanbu, if you want someone to wear something specific you pay for it.

DinosaursRoar · 04/11/2015 14:09

"please wear a dark coloured suit and white shirt, we'll provide the tie" = OK to ask the best man to provide his own.

"Please buy this suit and this shirt" = cheeky cheap fuckers.

acquiescence · 04/11/2015 14:10

How much are we talking?

We paid for our best men's suits but asked them themselves so they could choose something they would wear again. We said we would pay for a suit at the cheaper end of the spectrum or give them the money towards a more expensive one.

We asked our brothers and dads to wear the same colour and they all bought their own new suits which we didn't contribute to, we would have done if asked to or if they weren't keen on the idea.

Viviennemary · 04/11/2015 14:15

If they are requesting he wears a suit chosen by them then they should pay. Otherwise he wears a suit he already has or picks his own. If they can't afford it well then neither can you. Just tell them no.

scatterthenuns · 04/11/2015 14:15

Yup, B+G pay. If they can't afford it, they downsize their wedding.