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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Court order!!

29 replies

Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 20:52

not really an aibu, but hoping for traffic as really need some support.

Basically I split with my ex a year ago due to DV and he has been arrested and cautioned since due to death threats and harassment.
He's now threatening to take me to court (albeit through a third party as he isn't allowed to directly contact me) for access to our 1 year old.
Thing is I've never actually denied him access? He gets regular updates via email and plenty of offers for supervised contact due to his anger problems, SS have said he's not to see her unsupervised. And tbh, no court order in the world would make me leave my 1 year old on her own with him.
Can he even take me to court as I haven't actually denied him any access?
I feel they are empty threats as he is in the military and is due a long deployment soon so wouldn't have the time?

Aibu to be a bit worried?

OP posts:
NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 01/11/2015 21:05

Yanbu to be worried but (with no experience to back me up) I wouldn't panic yet. SS have stated no unsupervised contact and you've been as accommodating as possible to actively encourage this.

Yes, he might take you to court. But it sounds like nothing much would actually change even if he did?

Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 21:13

Thank you so much for replying. I'm actually making myself ill with anxiety!
I've offered supervised contact and even mediation which he has refused. It's all just a control thing over me. No actual interest in his daughter. Im just terrified that he will take me to court and they will grant him overnight, unsupervised access as I know the courts tend to try and favour the fathers these days (which in some cases is a good thing!)
He's an excellent liar and amazing at playing the victim and is very manipulating so I'm quite worried that they will believe him as he is saying I'm stopping him from seeing her. I'm so scared I just feel sick all the time.

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GruntledOne · 01/11/2015 21:15

In theory anyone can take people to court for anything, but if it's a hopeless or misconceived claim then their case will be chucked out pretty quickly and I think they are very likely to be liable for the other side's costs.

I guess what might happen in your case is that he will disagree that he should be restricted to supervised access and the court will have to decide on that - but with his history and SS support you won't have any difficulty with that. And if he's about to be deployed for a long time then the idea is even more ludicrous.

I suspect he'll go off the idea when he finds out how much it costs as I'm pretty sure he won't get legal aid. It's probably just his latest idea to try to bully you.

Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 21:17

Thank you that's made me feel a bit better. He hasn't seen her for 6 months so he would have to have supervised contact anyway as she doesn't know him. He's a total stranger to him. He just loves to make my life hell... I just want to move on and not feel on the edge of a panic attack every day.

OP posts:
Helenluvsrob · 01/11/2015 21:22

I think a court order would be a good thing. As SS already say no unsupervised access all he will get surely, if an order for regulated supervised access at a contact centre.....which he's either going to comply with, or more likely huff and puff and not bother with.

PotteringAlong · 01/11/2015 21:24

If he's contacting you, even through a third party, he's breaking the law if you have a legal order saying he can't contact you. Go to the police, report it, let them do their job and ignore him.

Bigfishlittlefishsoggybox · 01/11/2015 21:27

Yes he can take you to court.

However, family court is not scary, and sounds like a good plan in your case. The judge will see straight through the arsehole. Good luck.

Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 21:31

Ah yes sorry I wasn't clear on the third party. He was at the pub telling anyone who would listen that he's going to take that "worthless piece of shit" to court and get his daughter back. So it wasn't intended to get back to me but he forgets that no one actually likes him and I had several text messages sent to me warning me. I really don't want all this to get to court. I don't think I could cope with the stress. I had a breakdown a few months ago and I'm only just recovering, while raising my daughter completely by myself and trying to find work. I was really hoping he would accept the mediation but no... Everything just has to be difficult.

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PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 01/11/2015 21:31

I would be phoning the police as he is breaking the law by contacting you via 3rd party.

SS will back you up in court. He will probably get indirect contact :- letters and cards ect. Maybe supervised in a contact centre. However there is no way with his history and SS instructions will he get unsupervised access.

PiperIsTerrysChoclateOrange · 01/11/2015 21:33

mediation will not be advised due to the history of abuse.

Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 21:38

He has indirect contact. I send him an email update every 3 months with photos attached and he is also allowed to send her cards and letters. He sent her a card for her first birthday but he didn't even bother to write it out himself Sad he just doesn't care at all. I always put on the end of her email update that if he want to see her to let me know and we can arrange an hour of supervised contact.

OP posts:
emotionsecho · 01/11/2015 21:42

It sounds like you have plenty of evidence to back up that you have done all you reasonably can for him to have contact with your daughter and you are abiding by all the instructions you have been given by SS, a solicitor would see that and more than likely tell him not to waste their or the Court time.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 01/11/2015 21:48

I know it seems scary but family court is exactly what you need.

Firstly, him mouthing off in the pub is all for show. There's no way on earth he can 'get his daughter back', if SS have said supervised contact.
The costs of what he will need to do to get to the point of unsupervised contact is prob at least £15k. My ex had a year long non-molestation order against him for both myself and the children. To even be allowed supervised contact he had to do a DV program, parenting programs and counselling, all court ordered. Supervised contact went on for 18months after a year of no contact. Overnights were not allowed for all this time. They do finally now have the odd overnight unsupervised, but it has cost him a fortune and taken him 2 and a half years to get there. The family court were actually amazingly careful.

However, I can't see anyone recommending contact with such a young child that they know will stop due to deployment. Go and find a lawyer and talk it all through, and try not to panic. They really have seen it all before. All abusers seem to follow the same handbook.

Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 21:49

Thank you I'm feeling slightly more at ease now. Do you think I should phone my solicitor in the morning and chat to him about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 21:52

Sorry notquite I posted before I saw your post.
Wow he certainly wouldn't fork out that much money. He's never even bought her a packet of nappies! That's really quite reassuring thank you! Sorry to hear about what you went through Flowers

OP posts:
Aeroflotgirl · 01/11/2015 21:55

I would wait until court papers are produced. He sounds full of hot air, and using threat of court as a means of further abusing you. I don't think he has any desire to see your dd.

gobbynorthernbird · 01/11/2015 21:55

What, don't get stressed. He's gobbing off down the pub and hasn't got either a clue or hope.

NotQuiteSoOnEdge · 01/11/2015 22:15

Really, do let yourself relax. Even if it went to court you would be fine. You have evidence. It makes a massive difference. If it was your word against his it's much harder, but with a police caution etc there's no question and they will act carefully.

You have offered supervised contact, and mediation (do NOT do mediation!) and he hasn't taken you up on that. They will literally ask him why he is wasting their time. I wouldn't want to be his solicitor.

He's a bully. If he does formally go to court, just say 'ok, bring it on'! He'll soon find out it wasn't a good idea......

Dawndonnaagain · 01/11/2015 22:28

As others have said, wait until court papers show up, but be ready with a lawyer. The likelihood however, is that any lawyer finding out the truth will refuse to represent him and throw him out of the door.

Pipsqueak23 · 01/11/2015 22:28

I don't think you have anything to worry about. If SS are saying no to unsupervised, then they obviously have justifiable evidence to back this decision up. The courts will take this into account and as long as you have evidence to support that you have also offered supervised contact, he wont have a leg to stand on.

How long since he last saw your DD? Depending on age and the length of time since he last saw her, there could be a chance she wouldn't remember him, which would then also back up the request for supervised visitation, as it would be like sending her with a stranger overnight. (hope this bit makes sense)

throwingpebbles · 01/11/2015 22:37

Court probably will be a good thing. It could confirm that he cannot have access. I understand your fears, my ex was abusive and is now being v manipulative. However hopefully the social services involvement will add a lot of weight to your argument. Cafcass would be involved in a case like this

You could contact the national centre for domestic violence for advice. They got me a court order to stop ex harassing me and found me a legal aid solicitor etc. you may well still be able to get legal aid as there is recorded domestic violence

Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 22:54

Thank you so much everyone for the advice it's been really helpful. He's such an awful person. He has 2 other kids that he doesn't see (recently born, he was cheating on me when we were together) and his new girlfriend of 2 months is pregnant as well so it just goes to show really.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 01/11/2015 22:55

Yes I have legal aid and a wonderful solicitor so I think I will chat to him in the morning for some advice. Do you think SS would give me any advice?

OP posts:
Original poster
Whattheactualeff · 02/11/2015 10:38

Just left a message for my solicitor, hoping he will get back to me with some advice. Thank you everyone for helping me out my mind at ease. Just hoping this will just end soon. When his new baby is born I'm hoping he will just lose interest in us and leave us alone.

OP posts:
Sandsnake · 02/11/2015 12:24

OP it sounds like he's a controlling bully and that you'd already been more than fair to him. Flowers to you that the waste of space is still managing to impact you and your DD's life. I am probably being hugely naive here but I find it really concerning that a man with anger issues and a history of DV is off on a military deployment. The only upside being that hopefully it will get the dickhead out of you and your child's life.

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