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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

teenage parties

96 replies

goodmumgonebad · 31/10/2015 15:18

AIBU to insist that I first meet any friends that my 17-year-old daughter is going to her first-ever party with tonight? They are friends from her new Sixth Form school we've not met them before. Or, if we are just going to drop her off at the party to meet friends there, AIBU to want to go in and meet the parents and/or party host so we know who she is with? this is new ground for us.

OP posts:
balletgirlmum · 31/10/2015 15:20

At 17! Really?

In about a years time your Dd may well have left home & you'll have no control at all about her friendA so you need to start trusting her.

turningvioletviolet · 31/10/2015 15:21

so, so unreasonable. Not to mention embarrassing.

HTH

FernieB · 31/10/2015 15:23

I suspect that if you ask your DD, she will think YABVU. You could always offer that they can get ready at your house and then you'll give them a lift to the party. That way you'll meet them fleetingly. I'd leave her to it. She's 17 and probably would be very embarrassed if you got involved.

attheendoftheday · 31/10/2015 15:23

YAB totally U.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/10/2015 15:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Salmotrutta · 31/10/2015 15:24

I think going in to the party is a bad idea and your DD will never forgive you Wink

Insisting on meeting her new friends might go down like lead balloon too...

claraschu · 31/10/2015 15:24

YABU she is way past the age when she is old enough to be in charge of her own social life.

If this is her first party with new friends, she is probably a bit nervous; don't do anything to embarrass her.

Clobbered · 31/10/2015 15:25

If you don't trust your 17 year old to behave sensibly by now, I think you have missed the boat. Just make sure she has a mobile, money for a taxi, and knows that you are available to bail her out any time and let her go and enjoy the party. End of.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 31/10/2015 15:26

I can understand why you would want to but please don't. Nothing screams 'we don't trust you' to a 17 year old then their parents checking up on their new friends.

I started a new school for 6th form and my parents didn't know any of my new friends at first but as they trusted me I was happy to bring said friends home so they soon got to know them.

HTH.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 31/10/2015 15:27

Don't embarrass her, let her go in by herself.

She'll never forgive you, you'll also make yourselves look like idiots.

Original poster
goodmumgonebad · 31/10/2015 15:28

thanks very much for the feedback, very much appreciated. As I said this is new ground as she is the eldest. I do trust my daughter, she is a lovely young woman, I am just being a worried mum. I shall take your advice with thanks and show this to my husband as well as we are both sitting here scratching our heads wondering what is best.

OP posts:
cruikshank · 31/10/2015 15:28

If it's an even halfway decent party, the parents will be on holiday.

And of course you are being vv u. You do realise that she's old enough to join the army, don't you? Why in the name of blistering fuck do you think it's at all appropriate to chaperone her in this way? The days of playdates are long gone. Just let her get on with it. Presumably you were 17 yourself once? Therefore must know how these things work?

ValancyJane · 31/10/2015 15:29

Oh god, YABVVVVU. It would be the equivalent of social suicide for your daughter, please don't do this. Just make sure she has her phone and tell her to have a lovely time!

fakenamefornow · 31/10/2015 15:34

Good, glad too hear you'll let her go on her own.

If I were her and you did this to me I'd be packing my bags and moving out.

Lightbulbon · 31/10/2015 15:39

Id moved out and far away at 17 and was going to parties where I didn't know anyone let alone my parents.

ChiefInspectorBarnaby · 31/10/2015 15:51

Don't do it it's embarrassing.

fakenamefornow · 31/10/2015 16:06

It occurs to me op, is your daughter quite unworldly? If she's been very protected in the past she might me. I do mean this in the nicest possible way but if she is you may need to give her a crash course in how the world works. As a pp said, any teenage party worth it's salt the parents aren't going to be around. There will almost certainly be alcohol at the very least. Does she know not to drink too much, small drinks, followed by soft drinks, does she know to ALWAYS use a condom, how to get emergency contraception if she or any of her friends need it, how to get home safely. Hopefully she won't drink, take drugs, have sex and will be home by 10pm but she also needs to know how to cope if everyone around her is and not be too afraid of disappointing you to call if she needs you to bail her out if she has done all of the above. She needs to cope with the world how it is, not how we want it to be.

As I said this is meant with every kindness and I realise you may well have been through all this with her.

StarkyTheDirewolf · 31/10/2015 16:13

Hopefully she won't drink, take drugs, have sex and will be home by 10pm but she also needs to know how to cope if everyone around her is and not be too afraid of disappointing you to call if she needs you to bail her out if she has done all of the above.

This. Brilliant advice.

Also. Don't go into the party. That would be beyond unreasonable!

howabout · 31/10/2015 16:13

I had left home by the time I was 17. My dd are 14, 13 and 4. I don't know most of the older one's friends and the last party the 4 year old went to I dropped her off with the birthday girl's Mum but had no idea who half the other dc were.

bigTillyMint · 31/10/2015 16:17

I was also wondering if you as parents/your DD have led quite sheltered lives as it would be quite unusual for parents to get too involved in their DC's social lives from about 13, IME.

If she has really never been to a party before, I would urge you to have a chat with her about how to handle it and that she shouldn't be frightened to use the word NO! And also that she should call you at any point that she feels like she wants to leave.
Whilst not all DC will want to drink alcohol/smoke weed/get up close and personal with others, it could be on offer and she shouldn't feel pushed into doing something she doesn't want to do.

Hope she has a great time and that you don't die of worry whilst she's out (we've all been there!)

claraschu · 31/10/2015 16:20

We were always in the house when our teenagers had parties. We kept a low profile, but let everyone know we were there. They had good parties, with the usual teenage excesses, but nothing horrific. The parties with no parents present ended in some real tragedies or near-tragedies.

I agree with fakename that you need to talk to her about what might go on, and emphasise that she can always call on you for help, no questions asked.

MantaRayBay · 31/10/2015 16:20

Were you ever 17, OP? Grin

And did you go to parties?

Sparklingbrook · 31/10/2015 16:28

Say you did do it and the other parents didn't come up to scratch? Shock Would you bring her home again?

BackforGood · 31/10/2015 16:40

Have to agree with everyone else - YAB V U to even consider this Shock

I have a just turned 17 dd in the same situ - new 6th form, new friends - indeed, going to a party tonight (wonders if it's the same??) but I wouldn't dream of doing any more than dropping her and collecting her.

Sparklingbrook · 31/10/2015 16:44

Collecting should be as follows. Park up outside and text 'I am outside'. Then wait. And wait. On no account get out of the car/honk or draw attention to yourself.