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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

teenage parties

96 replies

goodmumgonebad · 31/10/2015 15:18

AIBU to insist that I first meet any friends that my 17-year-old daughter is going to her first-ever party with tonight? They are friends from her new Sixth Form school we've not met them before. Or, if we are just going to drop her off at the party to meet friends there, AIBU to want to go in and meet the parents and/or party host so we know who she is with? this is new ground for us.

OP posts:

SplatterMustard · 31/10/2015 20:43

Presumably she would have known that there wasn't going to be an adult on the bus?

pinotblush · 31/10/2015 20:50

To be honest in my niaveity, I didn't think there wouldn't be Splattered.

pinotblush · 31/10/2015 20:53

Who organises an 18th party on a bus knowing what can happen and leaves them to it? Really?

pinotblush · 31/10/2015 20:55

Should have said "Disco Party Bus".

Original poster

goodmumgonebad · 01/11/2015 08:59

some of you are quite rude and judgemental whilst giving your opinion. not necessary! some of us are new to this and are therefore clueless about what's appropriate. I wasn't born in the UK and didn't grow up here so what was appropriate in my country isn't relevant here.
of course I was 17 once, and thankfully she is nothing like me. she has never gone to a party before and is a gentle soul who loves animals and spends most of her spare time with her horse and her social circle revolves around riding. so these parenting dilemmas are new for us. we're lucky in the sense we haven't had to deal with her lying, being sneaky, drinking to excess, taking drugs, etc etc and completely trust her judgement. It's not her I worry about but others.
for the record her dad dropped her off and picked her up without embarrassment (she was told she could get a taxi home when she was ready but wanted her dad to pick her up). She had a good time and was happy we let her do exactly as she wanted

OP posts:

maybebabybee · 01/11/2015 09:07

I think parents on MN are quite liberal with their kids. Where I grew up (am 26 so this wasn't yonks ago) it was (and is) normal to keep a closer eye on things like this. My mum lets my 17 y old sister have her freedom but she still expects to know where she is and what she's doing.

My own best friend had a 10.30pm curfew at 18! But again this wasn't that unusual in my peer group so it wasn't social death.

maybebabybee · 01/11/2015 09:09

I also disagree with the whole 'at 18 they are an adult and can do what they want' thing. Well (a) if they're still living at home they still need to respect the people they live with and (b) most 18-year-olds are silly sods, in the nicest possible way. I certainly was.

SouthWestmom · 01/11/2015 09:16

Op I agree some of the responses were bloody rude.
Fwiw I'm quite liberal (dd is nearly 17) but we've recently had a few firsts - alcohol at parties (as opposed to offered at home every so often) , house parties, boyfriends and it makes you stop and think 'what do I do here?'
On a thread about sex I had similar (fewer) crappy answers when I added a post - ask your real life friends maybe not mumsnet.

Hope it all went ok though?

Sparklingbrook · 01/11/2015 09:19

Sounds like it went absolutely fine.

MantaRayBay · 01/11/2015 09:38

Sounds like it went well.

To be fair you didn't say you weren't from the UK etc so we couldn't have guessed that. Of course if you're from a different culture that changes things.

Merrylegs · 01/11/2015 09:57

Loling at the ? and ????? texts. Totally do the same.

The ? doesn't always get an answer but they know the ????? means NOW.

Gatehouse77 · 01/11/2015 10:03

Pinot similar thing happened to my brother but they at least dropped him off at the nearest hospital - whereupon he had his stomach pumped. Not his finest hour or New Year's Eve!

SplatterMustard · 01/11/2015 10:08

Pinot these are all firsts for us aren't they and it's easy to expect other people to do the same that we'd do.
My teenagers are expected to let me know where they are going, who with and when they will be back. They do this without complaint and so they get advantages as a result.

Yesterday DS told me that his friend's GF was sleeping over and that his parents let her sleep in his bedroom. I was a bit about that but they've been together for over 2 years. I'm not sure I'd let DS do that.

Original poster

goodmumgonebad · 01/11/2015 10:15

thanks to those who responded with constructive feedback. The reason I asked mumsnet and not friends is that I was the first in my peer group to have kids so most have younger children. and we've always known the parents of her friends for years so it's never been an issue before. It's only now we're dealing with new friends in Sixth Form. I hope if any other parents read this thread they find it useful...

OP posts:

fakenamefornow · 01/11/2015 11:13

Glad she had a good time and all went well hopefully it wasn't to anxious a time for you.

rogueantimatter · 01/11/2015 11:35

You have my sympathy goodmum. I was very lucky that I knew DD's friends when she was 17. She had a shared 17th birthday in a friend's home that involved a call at 10pm to drive her extremely drunk friend home. I went back in to the party after it (DD and another friend had to help take the very drunk friend home as she couldn't stand) and Friend's mum and I sat exchanging stories of our own drunken exploits while another friend threw up between us as we mopped up and held his head out of his vomit while he apologised to us. This is in a naice middle class area btw.

Safety is important at any age!

They drink shots unfortunately.

rogueantimatter · 01/11/2015 11:41

At the risk of making myself unpopular - I know lots of us are guilty of overprotecting our teens and/or mollycoddling them. But IMO telling posters that you were running a home/had children/working full time/sleeping around on drugs when you were 17 isn't relevant.

susielovessocks · 01/11/2015 13:00

When dropping off / picking up you may also nod in acknowledgment of other parents. You may not get out of the car and speak to other parents, even if you have known the other parents for 16 years since your children were at preschool.
You may not ask how the party went but you may stop at the burger van on the way home.
You may not engage in liking the photos when they appear on social media nor ask who the others in the photos you don't recognise are.
You may definitely not ask one of the girls for advice on doing ghd curls as you are already half dead and shouldn't try to be trendy.
Sounds like you did well OP.

TalkinPease · 01/11/2015 13:15

HA HA : yup that one is too true

luckily a lot of DDs parties are sleep overs - because the college catchment is so enormous
and the parental protocols for the breakfast pickup are much more chilled

mums stand together in the kitchen laughing about the mess and teasing hung over kids with bad hair and makeup ... the boys

coffeeisnectar · 01/11/2015 13:17

My oldest is 17 and she's sensible (mostly), drinks moderately and the only 1am call to pick her up was from a festival when the queue for taxis was 2 hours and her and her friend were tired and wanted to just get home. As much as its annoying to have to get up and go out I'd rather get that call and have told her she did the right thing.

I get on well with her friends but haven't met all of them. They are nice kids.

Original poster

goodmumgonebad · 02/11/2015 09:31

I've heard so many horror stories about kids getting drunk, the binge-drinking culture here is very pervasive. I've said to my daughter she can have just as much fun having three or four drinks over an evening as she can having six or eight, with the bonus they'll be no hangover in the morning.

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