No photo of deceased granddaughter in grandparent's new house.

[OwlinaTree]

PIL have just moved house. They have put family pictures up around the house from their old place, but have not put up their picture of me and DH's daughter who died at 3 days old. She would be 3 now.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this? They have pics of their children and other grandchildren up. It's not up in their bedroom or anything.

They are lovely and we all get on well, but I feel sad every time we visit them now.

Should I say something? Or is it their house, their rules?

So sorry for your loss Op & I can see how this is upsetting for you. As others have said, I would ask in a non-confrontational way however I agree with you that it may then mean that they feel obliged to put a photo up, when they didn't actually want to. I'm in no way trying to upset you at all, but it could be that they want to move on & whilst they'd never tell / expect you & your DH to, they may now feel it's time that they did & have used the move to do just that.

So sorry though as this is so sad & difficult for all involved.

I'm so sorry for your loss op. I would speak to them. People grieve differently and feel differently about photos. My DH's sister died of SIDS at 7 months 32 years ago. My FIL has never ever faced his feelings about it. All pictures, all belongings were put away after the funeral. She was barely mentioned. A couple of years ago he visited his mother in her new home, where she'd put up the pictures she'd had in various places in her old house. He had never known she had a picture of her dgc and when he saw it he had a panic attack, became hysterical and started sobbing uncontrollably. He was literally clinging to the door frame to keep himself on his feet. As soon as he could he left the house and it took ages for him to come back. That was after thirty years. Photos have the ability to bring comfort or distress, perhaps your ILs are experiencing the latter.

I wouldn't say anything. My df died when me and my sister were in our early teens. I have photos of him in a couple of rooms in my house. My sister can't and never could bare it. And would definitely get upset if someone was to ask why she didn't.

There's no right answer OP. We grieve in different ways and sometimes (generally without meaning to) our different views can be hurtful to others.

Wow, lots of responses while I was away. Thank you everybody for taking the time to respond, it is really useful to get different perspectives.

I have talked to dh about it this pm, when they weren't around. He doesn't seem to think it's a big deal, but he understood why I was puzzled by it.

I'm wondering whether I could ask them about the picture, maybe I could say 'I would like to put the picture up in my house as it is a lovely one, if that is OK with you pil.' See what they say to that. The absolute last thing I want is them to have a picture up in their house they don't want there!

Owlina, the only way to approach this is directly, but with sensitivity. You dont have to make up excuses for asking, all you have to do is say - I noticed DD's picture isn't with the other grandchildren's and I was wondering if you feel able to put it back on display.

They will then say yes or no and explain why if the answer is no.

I think that's a great idea Op - hope you feel able to ask & get a response that doesn't upset anyone.

That seems like a really good way to approach this Owlina. I hope the thread has been helpful to you x