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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

No photo of deceased granddaughter in grandparent's new house.

110 replies

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:36

PIL have just moved house. They have put family pictures up around the house from their old place, but have not put up their picture of me and DH's daughter who died at 3 days old. She would be 3 now.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this? They have pics of their children and other grandchildren up. It's not up in their bedroom or anything.

They are lovely and we all get on well, but I feel sad every time we visit them now.

Should I say something? Or is it their house, their rules?

OP posts:

Sansoora · 31/10/2015 12:28

Their house, their rules' is for shoes on/off or no meat in the fridge

Im shocked people thought it was ok to say it in the case.

Sansoora · 31/10/2015 12:29

OP, I would ask them why? But not in a confrontational way.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 12:31

No, you aren't reading too much into it. This is about a person, not an unwanted Christmas present. I would speak to my parents about it because, well, it's upsetting to me and I'd want to know why. Child loss is a different kettle of fish that, thankfully, most people don't experience. Part of what is so painful about it for many who do lose a child, however, is how isolating it is because it's so taboo. It's fine to share photos of dear ol' Grandma or Aunty Mabel who had a long life, but it's not okay to do the same with a child who died. It's almost like, oh, don't talk about it and then it won't happen. Talk too much and you might catch it, too.

So people go underground with it. Don't talk about X because you might upset Y. Well, we're all adults. We can deal with a little upset and being upfront and honest about such a serious topic, can't we?

Bakeoffcake · 31/10/2015 12:31

You say it's your PIL- could your dh have a word with them and ask why the photo has gone. He could then explain (although he shouldn't have to) how you both feel about it and that it would have been helpful of them to talk to you rather than the photo just to have disappeared.

Yika · 31/10/2015 12:32

I think it's too important NOT to talk about actually.

If they say it's upsetting to have the photo up, then at least you have a clear, understandable explanation. But I do think you need to talk about it (the photo and the birthday).

I wouldn't know how exactly to word the conversation starter though. Tricky.

Bakeoffcake · 31/10/2015 12:35

I too am shocked at the "their house, their rules' posts.

Those saying It have no empathy or understanding of the situation.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 12:35

Do you have the pic of your DP's with your DD up in your home Owlina? Am thinking they might well like to see it when they visit you, it's just maybe too much for them to have it all the time in their own home? Although I can see why you'd like the thought of having pics of all of the grandchildren together.
Hope I'm helping, worry that I'm not. But hopefully everyone's thoughts together can be of some help x
Agree with expat that surely no harm in a gentle conversation about how you feel with your own DP's, just to say "Oh, I miss that lovely pic that you used to have up of you with DD" and just see what DM says in response?

DrasticAction · 31/10/2015 12:39

I agree expat, I am also shocked by their house their rules.

Op I totally understand you feel hurt, I just wouldn't jump to conclusions about it though...of course its going to stand out to you, its glaring, and so sorry for your loss and all the others who have lost a child

AloraRyger · 31/10/2015 12:40

I would definitely talk to them, especially if they had a photo up in their old house.

It doesn't need to be confrontational but I think you both need to make them aware of how hurtful it is to have your dd missed from the grandchild count.

I'm appalled at the 'their house, their rules' posts - just so dismissive and unempathetic.

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 12:40

You just bring it up. There is nothing 'gentle' about losing a child. It wrecks people. I know people who did not survive it. They ended their lives. Yet all the time, it's the bereaved parents who are supposed to dance around and not 'upset' anyone.

'Oh, what happened to X's photo? Did it get lost?'

You just ask them because otherwise, you will never know.

DrasticAction · 31/10/2015 12:42

^ yes just ask like expat said. It may have got broken you dont know.

Sianilaa · 31/10/2015 12:42

Owlina, I'm sorry for your loss. You sound just like a friend of mine.

I think in this case, you should be able to talk about your DD. Do they talk about her at all? I would be inclined to maybe catch MIL on her own and say that you really miss the photos and wondered why they hadn't been put up?

Shutthatdoor · 31/10/2015 12:46

This is a tricky one.

We had a similar situation with PIL.

DH did talk to them about it. It turned out that they had had a DS that had died as a baby and would have been DH older brother. DH had absolutely no idea. It was never talked about.

Pics of our little one that died apparently brought back too many memories.

It is a tough one but please ask them.

for you.

StillFrankie · 31/10/2015 12:46

Maybe they find it to upsetting? Maybe other GC would ask questions and subsequently get upset? IMO you don't need pictures to remember someone

ZoeTurtle · 31/10/2015 12:47

Im shocked people thought it was ok to say it in the case.

I'm shocked anyone would think it's okay to force someone to have a picture of a deceased relative in their house. They are entitled to grieve in their own way and to make their home comfortable for them, just as the OP is.

No harm in asking them about it, non-confrontationally, in case something happened to it and they want another photo but have been afraid to ask, or something. But to make them feel guilty about not having a picture up? No.

Fairiesarereal · 31/10/2015 12:48

Could it be that they think they may upset YOU by having it up?
I would get your DH to ask them, when he is alone with them, what happened to the photo

expatinscotland · 31/10/2015 12:50

The OP in NO way implied they would force the PILs to have a photo up or guilt them.

SirChenjin · 31/10/2015 12:51

No-one is saying "make them feel guilty about not having the photo up" though. Every one of us who have said that the OP should ask them is saying just that and no more - ask them, talk about it, speak to them. Don't go in guns blazing, but just have a chat about it and find out.

Sansoora · 31/10/2015 12:53

I'm shocked anyone would think it's okay to force someone to have a picture of a deceased relative in their house.

You're obviously reading a different thread.

CakeMountain · 31/10/2015 12:53

Sorry for your loss OP . As her mum, I think your grief and that of your husband takes priority here (am I wrong to say that? I'm not sure, but you were the one who gave birth). Maybe gently mention it and see what they say.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 12:55

I only meant a gentle convo with DP's rather than a confrontational one expat. I'm just trying to help a tiny bit.
It's personal here too as my DSis lost her boy. I'm trying to help her and her DC's through this devastating loss for all of us

TheTigerIsOut · 31/10/2015 13:07

I think that this is not much as "their house, their rules" but of "their grief, their way to deal about it".

I think that Yorksapudding's post hits the nail on the head. People grieve in different ways, and I am pretty sure they are not forgetting your DD or brushing the issue under the carpet, but that they are trying to find, as you are too, the best way to deal with their pain.

And I say so as someone who not only removed the pictures of a loved one from the house, but who felt the need to get a smaller dinning table because I couldn't bear the pain of looking at the empty chair.

TheTigerIsOut · 31/10/2015 13:13

By the way, my beloved old neighbour, died on my birthday, and I can tell you that every time the day comes, I feel like mentioning something to his wife, or sending a card, but I never know how to aproach the subject as I don't want to upset her or bringing the pain back in any way, specially as we have never been close and I don't see much of her lately. But I can tell you, I'm not forgetting him and his kindness at all.

SlaggyIsland · 31/10/2015 13:15

TheTiger believe me, you won't be bringing back the pain in any way. It's not like you'll be reminding her of something she has forgotten about. And her knowing that you cared about him and remember him with fondness will mean a great deal to her.

AloraRyger · 31/10/2015 13:16

You know its probably more upsetting to her that you do/say nothing. The pain never goes away, you won't be bringing it back so please don't worry about that, just send a card saying you're thinking of her.

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