No photo of deceased granddaughter in grandparent's new house.

[OwlinaTree]

PIL have just moved house. They have put family pictures up around the house from their old place, but have not put up their picture of me and DH's daughter who died at 3 days old. She would be 3 now.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this? They have pics of their children and other grandchildren up. It's not up in their bedroom or anything.

They are lovely and we all get on well, but I feel sad every time we visit them now.

Should I say something? Or is it their house, their rules?

I'm so shocked by some of these posts. OP is a bereaved parent. This is her family. It's abosolutly fine for her to ask 'that photo of you and DD is lovely, where have you put it?' In a non confrontational way and IMO it's fine for her to be upset and the loss/removal of it. She lost a child fgs. I really hope that OPs family deal with it sensitively rather than the selfish 'my house my rules' mentality displayed on here.

I think it's less my house my rules and more if someone told me they were upset I didn't have a picture of their DC in my house I might feel obliged to then display one even though I may not want to. But agree, in a close, transparent family, you could talk about it. But to be fair, most families aren't close and transparent

Well the OP was the one who used their house their rules

YANBU. I would take action by giving them a photo of her in a frame as a house warming present.

It wasn't me who retyped that. Maybe you should check before you're so bloody aggressive.

I would ask straight out.

I have that relationship with my mum though where we can talk about anything and no feelings or subjects are out of bounds.

This is something you should be able to talk about. You do not need to be confrontational.

to you

They have the right to grieve in their own way and if they find photos too painful and don't want them on display in their new house, then that is their right.
I don't think it is fair to question them about why they don't have the photos on display.
However, I do think that you should be able to talk to them about your daughter. It should never be off limits as a subject. She will always be part of your lives.

There is not a timescale for grief. Don't take it that they have forgotten her. I bet your life she is in their minds every time they glance at another GC in a photo, or running and playing. They are probably grieving even more each time they see the photo.
It is not up to anyone else to say you should be feeling this way or that, and you really should have a photo up or not.
Please let them deal with it in their own way.
I am sorry for your loss OP.

If a childs life has ended you can keep the memory of the child perfect and beautiful - in a bubble outside time - and keep the photos and memories in a precious place that you can visit when your heart takes you there -
But if you put their image next to that of a child who is growing up and and changing - you see the difference too- that one photo is only a memory of a point in point in time - along a line that flows into the future. But the other is a picture of a child who only existed too briefly and you grieve the past the present and the future and the unfairness of the world.
I expect it may be not that they care too little - but they care too much.
or thats how I feel.

Sorry for your loss

Mrsdevere: in response to my post:
"Ok that makes it ok to just retype it as a response then?

No.

This is not the type of thread that you look at because you have nothing better to do, are not particularly interested but thing you will just have a quick stab before you move on to style and beauty.

Just maybe try and put yourself in the OP's shoes before responding?"

I'm presuming you're asking me to put Myself in OPs shoes.

What OP has said is - is it their house their rules?

Some responses- yes it is their house their rules

What retro said. Its sort of worse to take a photo down than it is not to put it up in a new place

So sorry about your loss op I think they would be well aware of not having the photo, and bringing it up will only obligate them to put it up.
They may have taken the approach of new house, new start. It does not mean that they love her any less, just that they want to deal with their grief in their own way.

itsmine - rightly or wrongly they may have made the decision not to put the photo up. I think that is their right to make that choice, and I don't think they need to consult with the parents - sorry but I don't. I can understand totally why the op is upset, but it really is up to them.

My parents have done exactly the same thing. Over ten years ago my first child was stillborn at 42 weeks. They had her picture up, as do I, until they were modernised, then the picture was taken down never to resurface. It's not a huge picture either, just a 5x7 and, honestly, she just looks asleep in it. Most people who come to my house as a one off visit assume it's my second daughter as a newborn. It's really upsetting and I did bring it up but was fobbed off with the excuse that it would no longer fit on the tv as they now had a flat screen. Plenty of room for the other grandchildren on sideboards, walls etc though!

On the 'they had one up before, why not now' point. My godmother died when I was 20. We were very close. For a few years, I had her picture on my wall, it helped me. Then it became less helpful - I was beginning to adjust to her not being there and the photo was making me upset. When I moved I didn't put it up again. I still grieve for her every day. I'm not saying it's the same as the OP's situation, more that when it was time to move and put up stuff on the walls the right choice at that point was to not put it up.

itsmine - and how would OP have reacted if they had said "we have decided not to put the photo up because it is making us upset?" Surely better to just not say anything from their perspective rather than have that level of confrontation.