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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No photo of deceased granddaughter in grandparent's new house.

110 replies

OwlinaTree · 31/10/2015 11:36

PIL have just moved house. They have put family pictures up around the house from their old place, but have not put up their picture of me and DH's daughter who died at 3 days old. She would be 3 now.

AIBU to feel a bit upset by this? They have pics of their children and other grandchildren up. It's not up in their bedroom or anything.

They are lovely and we all get on well, but I feel sad every time we visit them now.

Should I say something? Or is it their house, their rules?

OP posts:
NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/10/2015 13:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TheTigerIsOut · 31/10/2015 13:20

I'll remember that next year, thank you.

What I meant to say is that sometimes people stop talking of loved ones that are now gone, but that doesn't mean they are being forgotten. It is just that sometimes people do not know how to bring the subject up.

peggyundercrackers · 31/10/2015 13:20

I understand it must be hard for you because you lost your dad however I don't think you should mention it to them, if they wanted to talk to you about it they would have. By speaking to them they will think you are trying to guilt them into displaying the picture. They should not have to justify what they do in their own house.

SirChenjin · 31/10/2015 13:27

How do you know that they will think the OP is trying to guilt them? You don't.

totalrecall1 · 31/10/2015 13:28

Different people deal with things in different ways. Its a different scenario, but when my FIL died very suddenly aged 59 my SIL put up pictures of him all over the house including in the kids bedrooms (aged 3, 5 and 7). Presumably she thought this was a way of keeping FIL in the kids minds. Personally I wouldn't and didn't do that. I left up the nice pictures I already had, and I certainly didn't put them in the kids bedrooms. I didn't understand it and still don't. In my view, At some point the kids will remove the photo, as they won't want a picture of a deceased relatively (that they may not even remember) in their room, she did it because it made her feel better though. people do what they think is right and cope in different ways.

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 31/10/2015 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SirChenjin · 31/10/2015 13:32

If my DD lost a child and I (for whatever reason didn't put up a photo of her child) it would break my heart to think that she was upset about it because she didn't want to feel she could intrude on my house rules, or didn't want to guilt me.

I would like to think that we were close enough that we could have a wee chat about it over a cup of tea - she could tell me how she felt and I could explain what I hadn't put the photo up. We would help each other - I really don't see what is so difficult.

SirChenjin · 31/10/2015 13:33

brackets in the wrong place there obv!

itsmine · 31/10/2015 13:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Aliceinwonderlust · 31/10/2015 13:42

I think most of the posters have misread this - OP said her in laws used to have a picture of her DC in their old house and just haven't put it up in their new house, although they have put up a number of other family photos.
So it's not related to how they grieve or whether they can bear to have a picture- they've already indicated they did, at one point, want one.

I think you need to ask because the explaination could be more simple than you expect - we've just moved house and with no aspersions cast of the subject of the photo it can just be that the Frame isn't right for the new decor so you intend to reframe it, or maybe it was damaged in transit as mentioned. Of course there is a possibility they have decided to "move on" and have a fresh start but I think it's perfectly acceptable for your DH or you to ask about this in a non judgemental way just to find out. You'll always wonder otherwise.

Aliceinwonderlust · 31/10/2015 13:47

Also- I'm going to be brutally honest here so I apologise- but there is a point they will probably not display that photo and that is reasonable. My DHs parents lost a baby 45 years ago at 2 days old and it would be very unusual to have a 45 year old photo of a baby in their house now amongst all the "recent milestone" photos like grandchildren, weddings of subsequent children etc. of course if they wanted to -good for them. but I don't think it's at all unusual to have a point where you stop displaying pictures (of course I understand your situation was nothing like 45 years ago, but still for some it might be 5,10,20, whenever)

Pancakeflipper · 31/10/2015 13:49

Maybe they have the picture but put it somewhere more private like their room, in a study? Maybe somewhere they can reflect and spend time with your daughter?

I dunno.

It must really hurt but I guess they have their reasons. I hope an opportunity comes up so you can ask.

AloraRyger · 31/10/2015 13:50

Photos of babies who died weren't taken 45 years ago. It's a relatively recent development in the care of bereaved parents.

Ime, its not at all unusual for people to have photos of older relatives who have died up for a long time. It just seems that babies are small children are fair game for having their photos shut away.

HackerFucker22 · 31/10/2015 13:54

I think thay given you have a good relationship it would be fine to ask. Just so it can be explained.

SirChenjin · 31/10/2015 13:55

Bottom line is we can all speculate on here 'til the cows come home, but the only way the OP will know is to simply ask them (casually and in conversation)

Fabellini · 31/10/2015 13:59

I know it's different, but here is my perspective. We lost dh several years ago now. I don't have pictures of him in any public areas of our home. There are a couple upstairs and ds2 has one in his room.
I don't want to answer questions about him from people I may not know particularly well, I don't want to see every day how I am ageing and he is not, his children are growing up and he remains the same.
I will never forget, but it's private. And I would be very upset if bil or mil questioned me about it.

momsnest · 31/10/2015 14:01

People grieve in different ways. Personally I would find it far too difficult to have photos on display. I would have some and keep them but not on display. If they are displayed you do have to explain which some people find too difficult.

If it makes you upset can your dh mention it discreetly? Just say I noticed X picture is not up anymore and wondered if something had happened to it? Tell them it's their choice if they want pics up or not but mention that it means a lot to you both to see your DD up on the wall with the others. Then leave it.

Lynnm63 · 31/10/2015 14:02

Do you have a copy of the photo. Maybe you could say you noticed it's not on display would they mind you having it. It might just get them to open up about why it's not displayed. Maybe it did get lost in the move or damaged. I know it's different but I lost two ornaments and an oval fish frying pan in a house move once heaven only knows where they went and they were in different boxes.

Aliceinwonderlust · 31/10/2015 14:04

It's not about their grieving style. As oP said, they had a picture in their old house, presumably displayed for 3 years

ilovechristmas123 · 31/10/2015 14:04

surely it's an individual decision for whatever reason,im sure there is a good reason considering the subject

some people especially the older generation see it as a private emotion

i think you have to respect their actions the same as they should respect your familys

FirstWeTakeManhattan · 31/10/2015 14:11

I'm so sorry OP, and I understand why you're upset.

I'm trying to help by saying this - my beloved father died when I was 15. My sister and mother have photographs of him everywhere, along with my deceased GP's. I don't have any photographs up of any of the people I loved who have died. I've never studied why, but it's definitely, definitely not because I don't care.

Whenever I see photos of my dad elsewhere, I feel incredibly upset. I'm very private about my grief and sadness, maybe that's why I don't have photos up.

I guess I'm saying everyone's different, but don't think they don't care. I'm sure they do.

JugglingFromHereToThere · 31/10/2015 14:11

It could still be about their way of grieving though Alice - they may have had the photo up in the old house for the last 3 years partly as they knew it would mean a lot to see it there with the other grandchildren for OP and her DH. But as SirChenjin said everyone's different feelings can only be guessed at if there's no conversation about it and it would probably be good to talk anyway

Leavingsosoon · 31/10/2015 14:13

Flowers I am sorry for your loss.

How old are your PILS? I do think there is a generation issue with grief; my mum and dad were of the stuff upper lip brigade and although they had a baby who died (she was 18 months) never mentioned her, or my mums numerous miscarriages. No photos of my older sister in the house, at all.

Heartbreaking loss for you and I understand your feelings with the picture.

Retrorocks · 31/10/2015 14:15

Why do people keep saying, 'but they had pics in their old house', that's irrelevant. The've moved, maybe they felt it was time to stop displaying the photo, this is a new house and wanted some good memories. That doesn't mean they've forgotten their DGC,. They want to move on. New place, new beginnings.

Aliceinwonderlust · 31/10/2015 14:20

Retro I am saying that they had pics in their old house so it's not about the pictures being too painful to display. It's a practical issue- not being able to display it, or, they have decided to move on and remember their DG in a different way