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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to be disappointed in my parents?

114 replies

SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 07:23

I slipped two disks on my back three weeks ago and was in hospital for a week. I had to cancel my holiday which was obviously really disappointing and a sign that this wasn't just a passing twinge or two...

I told my dad this and offered him a first class ticket from his house to mine which we were also unable to use and he refused be a use he has to meet his girlfriend for lunch. It never occurred to him that if I zhad been I'm hospital and also had to cancel my holiday, that I might need some help.

I cannot....

Bathe my two year old
Change nappies
Carry him
Drive
Empty dishwasher, washing machjne
Plus I'm. On really strong painkillers

He's just come back from his cruise and it still hasn't occurred to him to come down 200 miles to help.... And he wouldn't even have to pay for the journey...

To get my son to nursery and the other to school, I'll be in a taxi, but as a responsible Parent will have to go with them.... Resulting in excruciating pain after each trip. I'm dreading tomorrow.

My mum doesn't work either and is a nurse, so know what I'm facing and she hasn't offered to come down to help either.

We only just moved here and have absolutely nobody to rely on... I had to get a cleaner and she's been collecting my boys for me.

Aibu to think it's disgraceful that neither of my parents has thought about helping their grandkids even if not for me? Instead I get cursory enquiries via texts and a barrage of I found about their holiday. Or am I being entitled?

OP posts:

2ndSopranosRule · 31/10/2015 16:22

My parents are less than half a mile away and never, never ever help unless it's a dire emergency. I had to beg them to look after dd1 while I was having dd2 and even then when dh came home at 4 am there ended the help.

Can your DH take the children before going to work?

OddlyLogical · 31/10/2015 17:13

Some people just don't offer - it's not that they don't care or wouldn't help if asked, they just don't offer. I'm like that. I will go out of my way to help out any of my friends or family if I can, but I rarely offer, I would wait to be asked. The only explanation I can think of for that is that I feel uncomfortable when other people offer me help when I am managing just fine.

By the sounds of it, you have plenty of support available if you need it, you just want attention from your parents. Whilst that's not unreasonable, if you want something from them then you really do need to ask.

Laquitar · 31/10/2015 17:23

OP i am a bit surprised by some of the replies.
I dont think that YABU or that you should have asked them. If i was in their shoes i would have asked you if you need help.
I hope you feel better soon x

sharonthewaspandthewineywall · 31/10/2015 17:31

The people who are asking 'why should they help?'- wtf?
parents who love you and care about your wellbeing generally just want to help and make sure all is ok. My parents are always asking if I need any help and will bend over backwards if I need it (Disc prolapse in neckk and 34 weeks pg with spd) as would I if I knew my parents/brother/friend were struggling in this way.

MythicalKings · 31/10/2015 17:49

I would think if they lived closer then the offer would have come. If it's just popping up the road for an hour or so, most people would be happy to offer. Quite another thing to up sticks and put your life on hold indefinitely.

summerainbow · 31/10/2015 17:52

One you moved this is what happens when you move it is not easy for people to see how I'll you are .
Two you have to get freinds to be famliy or pay some one to help you out.
Three you don't need to in taxi. Every time.
Four what about your inlaws s
Five brother and sister
Six NEVER LEAVE HOSPITAL IF YOU CAN'T COPE AT HOME. there is help out there but you have to demand it.

cleaty · 01/11/2015 00:04

If I am honest, I would have got my DP to take time off work when I needed him to look after DCs. I have been in hospital pretty ill while my DP has had to work. It isn't ideal, but 2 weeks off to look after the DCs when you got out of hospital, would probably have worked better practically.

jacks11 · 01/11/2015 00:19

Sometimes you have to ask- maybe they think that with your husband around to help you will manage perfectly well.

My parents would probably assume we were managing unless I told them otherwise (think this is normal)- they probably would ask how I was etc though, so I can see why you might be hurt that they haven't asked if you are ok.

That said- your DH has been off for the last 2 weeks. I think it's distinctly possible that your parents think that your DH can pick up the slack and you will manage fine because of that, so see no need to be offering to come and help you for the next month or so. My parents definitely wouldn't descend on me to "help" for a few weeks without being asked. I wouldn't want them to either! I know they would help if at all possible when asked.

You should ask your parents for some help. If they refuse, then YANBU to be very hurt. If you don't let them know you're struggling, then I think you are being a bit unreasonable, TBH. You can't really expect

MonkeyPJs · 01/11/2015 00:42

YABU if you haven't said to your parents what you'd said to us here about how and why you need help.

YANBU if you have and they still haven't come.

If I was in your position and my husband had taken time off work and I had a cleaner my parents would probably just think I had it covered, not that they don't care.

Namechangenell · 01/11/2015 01:59

My DM would have been like this. MIL, on the other hand, would have been ready to help out with bells on. And DM wonders why we spend more time with PIL than her... I feel for you, OP. I can't think of a situation when I wouldn't help my own children out once they grow up. I hope you make a speedy recovery.

PegsPigs · 01/11/2015 02:15

I can see how you wish they had offered because they could appreciate your situation but if you don't ask you don't get so hopefully they'll say yes if you do for your recovery.

Loungeroomlizard · 01/11/2015 06:27

YANBU. My parents always made clear as a teen that I should leave home and stand on my own 2 feet. I did so and was flabbergasted last year when Mum dropped everything to help when my son was born with a serious medical condition and we were in hospital miles from home with an older child too. She came when I had surgery this year too.

Ilikedmyoldusernamebetter · 01/11/2015 09:14

YANBU to be disappointed they haven't offered, because that seems to indicate they don't care as much as some parents might - this thread is somewhat confusing because for you there seem to be ways around the actual practical problem - your disappointment is emotional rather than practical. However somebody in pain and on medication can probably be forgiven for being a bit muddled about what the issue is (your OP does rather sound as if your parents are your only option for help and by not helping you when they could, they have left you in a practically impossible situation, but later posts correct this).

As others have said your circumstances, with DH and cleaner who is also doing school pick up and enough money to pay for more help, do sound as if your parents could easily assume you have and can afford all the help you need, making it unnecessary given how far they'd have to travel, and making it less brutal that they are not dropping everything and rushing down to change nappies and do school runs.

It doesn't change the fact it would be nice if they wanted to be there for you, especially if they are retired (your mum is, not totally clear about your dad?)

Temporary au-pairs and nannies do exist and are something you might want to consider for the school run and nappy changing you describe, plus playing with the toddler and making children's meals, perhaps doing their washing... as you say you can afford all the help you need why not look into that instead of torturing yourself with the taxi journey and nappy changes on strong pain killers?

Get well soon.

MrsTedCrilly · 01/11/2015 09:19

A lot of parents these days are very conscious of not treading on their adults kids toes and coming to stay, interfering etc.. also like others have said they probably think you have all the help you need as you haven't asked. Ask!! If they say no even after hearing how difficult it is for you, then YANBU and they wouldn't be very caring at all. If you ask and they say yes, then you've given them the green light to come without them feeling like they're decending on you.

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