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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to be disappointed in my parents?

114 replies

SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 07:23

I slipped two disks on my back three weeks ago and was in hospital for a week. I had to cancel my holiday which was obviously really disappointing and a sign that this wasn't just a passing twinge or two...

I told my dad this and offered him a first class ticket from his house to mine which we were also unable to use and he refused be a use he has to meet his girlfriend for lunch. It never occurred to him that if I zhad been I'm hospital and also had to cancel my holiday, that I might need some help.

I cannot....

Bathe my two year old
Change nappies
Carry him
Drive
Empty dishwasher, washing machjne
Plus I'm. On really strong painkillers

He's just come back from his cruise and it still hasn't occurred to him to come down 200 miles to help.... And he wouldn't even have to pay for the journey...

To get my son to nursery and the other to school, I'll be in a taxi, but as a responsible Parent will have to go with them.... Resulting in excruciating pain after each trip. I'm dreading tomorrow.

My mum doesn't work either and is a nurse, so know what I'm facing and she hasn't offered to come down to help either.

We only just moved here and have absolutely nobody to rely on... I had to get a cleaner and she's been collecting my boys for me.

Aibu to think it's disgraceful that neither of my parents has thought about helping their grandkids even if not for me? Instead I get cursory enquiries via texts and a barrage of I found about their holiday. Or am I being entitled?

OP posts:
Original poster
SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 08:10

He cant really, he's been into work for the odd meeting and previously was with me in hospital hence cleaner collecting. From tomorrow is full on taxi bullocks.... But do you know what? Feel much better having a moan and my dad would get arsey after about three minutes of fetching and carrying so I just have to get on with it. I'm 3 weeks in three to go

OP posts:
Original poster
SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 08:11

No sorry and I feel bad about that, poor bloke deserves some recognition

My mums retired, hyper, full of beans. Nowt wrong with her.

OP posts:
Enjolrass · 31/10/2015 08:14

The assumptions will be that your dh is helping you out.

If he really can't do anymore, then ask your mum if she can help.

Maybe call the school and tell them. Parents cars are not allowed in the car park at our school. But under these circumstances they would allow it and send someone out to get the kids from the taxi.

Have you asked the school if they can help?

Only1scoop · 31/10/2015 08:14

They are like my parents by the sounds of it.

Unless you ask they assume you are just dandy.

Also thought you were abandoned all alone for your Op

Get well soon.

Original poster
SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 08:15

My mums retired, full of beans, normally great in crisis

OP posts:
CardinalPoint · 31/10/2015 08:17

Do they think you can afford someone to help you?
Do they think your DH can take time off?

Flowers back pain is horrible - I really hope it improves soon.

TurnOffTheTv · 31/10/2015 08:18

But have you asked her????

Mermaidhair · 31/10/2015 08:19

Yabu. You have your dh to help you.

Only1scoop · 31/10/2015 08:19

Ask you mum then.

Original poster
SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 08:23

My husband is out of the house 12hours a day so basically I'm on my own during their waking hours.

I'll just ask them then

OP posts:
PedantPending · 31/10/2015 08:24

Why should they?

Sequine · 31/10/2015 08:27

Sorry about your injury... but I think YABVU to expect your parents to come and help. I would never expect my parents to do that... not their responsibility, and they have their own lives, social commitments etc. If they offer to help that's lovely but I don't think it's ok to put pressure on them.

The hospital should have assessed what you could/couldn't do before discharge and provided help at home... did you have an occupational therapy or Physio assessment on the ward? OTs and Physios can usually put services in place to get you through the first few weeks, like a short-term rehab-at-home service (with or without carer support) that would work on getting your independence back.

Alternatively, could you pay privately for a mother's help or childminder? Could you put your DC in nursery for a few weeks? Or can your DH use up some annual leave?

I appreciate it's hard but it seems unfair to expect your parents to drop everything and travel such a distance. I think you and your DH need to sort out some reliable support even if that means paying for it.

Sirzy · 31/10/2015 08:27

You need to ask for help otherwise people will think your fine. Also people may put off traveling up because they think they will be under your feet.

I guess it's the problem when you live a long way from relatives it makes getting the balance of helping/being a pain harder to find.

Are there no other school parents who could help with school runs? Or could you find a temporary nanny or similar to help out?

TurnOffTheTv · 31/10/2015 08:27

If you had just asked in the first place you could have saved yourself all this stress Grin

BondJayneBond · 31/10/2015 08:28

Have you actually asked your mum and dad to help?

If not, they may well be assuming that you have help available and don't need them.

Even if your mum has had similar problems before and has an idea about how difficult you'll find things alone, she may be thinking that you've got help unless you've actually told her that you're going to have to manage alone because DH has to go back to work.

notquiteruralbliss · 31/10/2015 08:36

If not asked we would not dream of descending on our DD if we thought she needed help. She is a capable adult and would hate it. And, if she wants help, she tells us and we are happy to do whatever is needed. Otherwise, we assume she doesn't need / want us to do anything. Maybe The OPs parents are the same.

WorldsBiggestGrotbag · 31/10/2015 08:39

Some of the comments on this thread are really sad. It's not about expecting help, more about people wanting to help people they love who are struggling.
My toddler broke her leg when I was 39 weeks pregnant with SPD. She couldn't walk, I couldn't lift her. DH couldn't get out of work. My mum used her annual leave to help (I didn't ask, she just did it). I realise not everyone can take time off work so easily but my point is she wanted to help us out as she would hate us to be struggling.
However OP I do think you need to ask. Obviously for some reason they haven't realised how hard you're finding things.

Alwayssunny · 31/10/2015 08:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Owllady · 31/10/2015 08:43

They sound like our parents and its infuriating. Unfortunately though, you are going to have to suck it up. Source out to friends what you can. Carry on paying a cleaner, after school club etc, childminder if need be and get on with it between you and your partner. I'm sorry if this is harsh but I've spent too much time getting upset about lack of help from our relatives, that I think it's just a waste of time - though of course it's upsetting. BUT you are in pain/unwell and you need to just think of yourself and now.

I wonder if social services would be any use....or have you spoken to school?

Enjolrass · 31/10/2015 08:48

Why should she have to go cap in hand

Why is asking for help seem as a bad thing.

The parents may think her dh is helping or that her cleaner will continue to help.

They may feel they will be under her feet.

None of it will be known until she actually asks.

yorkshapudding · 31/10/2015 09:01

I don't think YABU but im not surprised by some of these responses as MN seems to have this idea that wanting any kind of help or support from your parents (even in times of great difficulty) once you reach adulthood is "entitled". Meanwhile, in real life, it is not even remotely unusual for family members to put themselves out for one another in a crisis. If I was in your situation I know my DM and DF would be here like a shot and I would absolutely do the same for them if the roles were reversed. I appreciate that not every family operates that way, but many do and I don't see what's so terrible about that. I would hate to think that, when my DD is grown up, she would be reluctant to call on me if she was ill or injured for fear of appearing entitled Hmm
Presumably your parents are aware that your DH has a job so they wouldn't assume he was at home 24/7 to help. I can see why you would be disappointed that they haven't even enquired as to how you will manage, let alone offered any assistance. I do agree with pp that it's likely to be thoughtlessness rather than malice though so maybe if you asked for their help directly you might get a different response.

NerrSnerr · 31/10/2015 09:02

I don't think it's 'entitled' but the OP needs to ask them. They're not mind readers, especially as they've been coping for a couple of weeks.

CecilyP · 31/10/2015 09:08

Why should she have to go cap in hand to family to help when it is clear that OP must be in agony and would inevitably struggle with driving, cleaning, seeing to kids etc

It is clear to us because OP has spelt it out in her opening post. If she hasn't told her parents this, they can't be expected to just know. They may assume that after an operation and 2 weeks recovery at home, she is now just fine. If she OP needs help, she really needs to tell them.

StampyMum · 31/10/2015 09:18

I absolutely shudder to think about the family lives of those who think YABU. Of course your parents should be helping you, and if they're not offering, then you need to ask for specific help, ie, "Mum, can you do the school run for a week?" I'm not saying my family have always been perfect when I've been ill, but ffs, we're humans, not cats - parental love and nurture doesn't stop when your kids leave home. Poor OP, hope you're better soon and that all these snarky comments haven't made you feel worse.Flowers

ahbollocks · 31/10/2015 09:24

My dmum would assume dh was doing it all.
Also as much as it woukd be nice for some help do you really want two extra bodies to cater for and be in your house all day? Or would they have to stop at a hotel?