Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Aibu to be disappointed in my parents?

114 replies

SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 07:23

I slipped two disks on my back three weeks ago and was in hospital for a week. I had to cancel my holiday which was obviously really disappointing and a sign that this wasn't just a passing twinge or two...

I told my dad this and offered him a first class ticket from his house to mine which we were also unable to use and he refused be a use he has to meet his girlfriend for lunch. It never occurred to him that if I zhad been I'm hospital and also had to cancel my holiday, that I might need some help.

I cannot....

Bathe my two year old
Change nappies
Carry him
Drive
Empty dishwasher, washing machjne
Plus I'm. On really strong painkillers

He's just come back from his cruise and it still hasn't occurred to him to come down 200 miles to help.... And he wouldn't even have to pay for the journey...

To get my son to nursery and the other to school, I'll be in a taxi, but as a responsible Parent will have to go with them.... Resulting in excruciating pain after each trip. I'm dreading tomorrow.

My mum doesn't work either and is a nurse, so know what I'm facing and she hasn't offered to come down to help either.

We only just moved here and have absolutely nobody to rely on... I had to get a cleaner and she's been collecting my boys for me.

Aibu to think it's disgraceful that neither of my parents has thought about helping their grandkids even if not for me? Instead I get cursory enquiries via texts and a barrage of I found about their holiday. Or am I being entitled?

OP posts:

ZenNudist · 31/10/2015 09:27

If you've asked and they've said no then it's a bit mean but up to them. You know here you stand in helping them in their dotage don't you?

If you haven't asked then you have no right to bitch.

MrsJayy · 31/10/2015 09:29

Bits could be hanging off me and my mum still wouldnt offer to help me it just doesnt register with her she lives in her own weird bubble hints go over her head but if i ask she is all yeah yeah i can do x y z for you its so frustraring you need to ask your parents out right.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 31/10/2015 09:36

If you are incapable of caring for your children then you have a DH who one assumes is the other parent.

That's who should be either sorting it or facilitating some type of support if you are unable

lorelei9 · 31/10/2015 09:36

I'm stunned by the thread and some the responses
OP, you're not even in the same room as unreasonable
My parents would bust a gut to help, would want to do it regardless of whoever else was around

Sorry you're having such a tough time

Picturesofmatchstickmen · 31/10/2015 09:40

I am also shocked at so many saying why should they, they have their own lives, I wouldn't dream of asking etc.
families help and support each other as much as they can when the chips are down, surely? That is only normal family behaviour? I feel sorry for the posters who say their families would not help.

123MothergotafleA · 31/10/2015 09:48

You really shouldn't have to ask for help. If they haven't worked out that you could use their help, then perhaps they are too wrapped up in their own lives.
Selfish is the word that comes to mind. Sorry, but if I had a daughter in your predicament, I would be on the case PDQ

123MothergotafleA · 31/10/2015 10:00

Good points Zen!!
No. 1. Ask for help.
No.2 . Ummmm.. I know you will do the right thing when the time comes,Vag.!!!!!
(Love your name.)

Original poster

SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 10:04

I cant even pick my own knickers off the floor.... If something drops it stays there... I can luckily afford all the help I need but would much nicer to have some concerned parents.... They don't even phone me?! Get a text every few days from them.

OP posts:

arethereanyleftatall · 31/10/2015 10:06

I think the posters saying they feel sorry for families where help isn't given haven't actually read the ops posts.

The op hasn't actually asked her parents to help (yet). The op has a husband.

The op has now said she will ask, so her/your rants about tgan bit helping can only start after she has actually asked!!

BarbarianMum · 31/10/2015 10:14

Confused now. If you can afford all the help you need why do you want your parents to be doing all the fetching/carrying/cooking/cleaning? Because it is nicer? For whom?

My parents would definitely help out in a similar situation but the expectation would definitely be that they'd cover the things I/we couldn't otherwise manage, not come over simply to save us money.

Floggingmolly · 31/10/2015 10:16

Of course you have to ask! You have a DH (which really wasn't clear from your op; you actually haven't been alone with the children as of yet ), so your parents might reasonably suppose you are sorting whatever help you need between the two of you.

bigkidsdidit · 31/10/2015 10:18

Of course families should help each other out. But have you actually asked?? Spelt it out and asked? Many people have asked you this but I can't see if you have answered.

razmataz · 31/10/2015 10:18

Do you phone them OP?

To be honest this whole post comes across as you'd rather play the martyr with uncaring parents than actually tell them how much you're struggling and ask for help. Also if your parents are separated then they have no idea if the other parent is helping...

Original poster

SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 10:20

Not to save money for fuck sake. That is so insulting. It's the lack of concern that has really upset me.

OP posts:

WeAllHaveWings · 31/10/2015 10:21

If you have told your parents your husband has been off to help you, you have a cleaner who has also been dropping the kids and they also know you can afford all the help you need I'm not surprised they haven't offered to drop everything and come stay with you.

Just because your parents are retired doesn't mean they don't have their own lives to drop everything and come sit around your house for 3 weeks. They could obviously show more interest by calling.

As cash is not an issue, can you pay for the cleaner to continue to take the kids to school and do a few extra hours perhaps helping with dishwasher/shopping and picking up your dropped knickers

Hope you have as speedy a recovery as possible.

TheFairyCaravan · 31/10/2015 10:23

I've gone NC with my parents over something like this.

I got really severe SPD when I was pregnant with DS2 19 years ago. I had DS1 under 2 and I ended up in a wheelchair. DH is in the RAF, my parents lived an hour away then. They have been self employed since I was born. They never came down once, not even when I was in hospital. They never helped, I used to cry on the phone, my mum would give a wet "oh dear" while my nieces were playing in the background!

It never went away, I was never able to walk unaided again. My parents used to take my sisters kids on holidays, weekends away, days out, etc. They never baby sat mine. DH was away for 4 months, I had 2 kids in 2 different hospitals at one point, again a wet "oh dear". Thank god for neighbours.

It came to a head 4 years ago when I was having yet another major operation and I asked my mum of she'd have my kids because we were being subjected to a lot of anti social behaviour and it would have been nice for them to get away for a few days. She couldn't possibly because she had to work. Three days before the op she let it slip that she was taking my sister's DC and my DNiece's DS on holiday to a villa, abroad, so my sister could have a child free holiday. I was bloody fuming. She rang when she got back and I told her to ring when she could treat my children the same. I'm still waiting...

YANBU OP. It's horrible when parents don't step up, and I agree with you most people wouldn't need it spelling out that you've had 5 days in hospital, you've 2 little children you could do with some help at home. Common sense would tell them.

GabiSolis · 31/10/2015 10:24

I think YABU solely on the fact you haven't asked them for help. You have a DH and a cleaner. I think in those circumstances they probably (understandably) assume you can cope just fine especially since you haven't asked for their help.

Original poster

SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 10:25

All I want somebody to do is change nappies, bathe them and take them school to avoid me having to neck painkillers to sit inside a taxi. I wouldn't dream of them cleaning etc.

OP posts:

Hissy · 31/10/2015 10:27

Jesus! Did they it even come and see you in hospital? Did they call to see how you were?

Have they always been this self interested?

Ok so you didn't say the magic words "can you please help me" but if they didn't even ASK if there was anything they could do, that's terrible! Even a passing acquiaintance would ask if there was anything you needed!

I don't blame you for being disappointed. I have similar family, and it really hurts.

Chippednailvarnish · 31/10/2015 10:27

I've been there OP and it was one of the most miserable experiences of my life.

However you do need to spell it out to them, even if its just to make you feel better...

Hissy · 31/10/2015 10:29

Even just to come and take the babes off your hands for an hour... That'd be better than this. I'm so sorry. :(

SeveredHeadsDragOnTheFloor · 31/10/2015 10:30

They don't even phone me?! Get a text every few days from them.

And what contact have you initiated with them?

Having suffered from excruciating back pain before (but not slipped disks thankfully), you have my complete sympathy. I find it makes me extremely irritable and pissed off at people - is this perhaps clouding your view?

I hope you make a speedy recovery!

MissDuke · 31/10/2015 10:30

It is so hard op without knowing the back story. Are you normally close? How often do you usually ring them and visit them? Do you ever help them out if needed?

My parents would drop everything in a heartbeat if I needed them, however they know I do the same for them. When my youngest was in NICU for a week, my parents took the older children everyday - the inlaws went to their holiday home a couple of hours drive away to do some painting

Take care, this injury sounds miserable

Duckdeamon · 31/10/2015 10:35

Am very sorry about your back. Please take care of yourself well: if one of your parents won't come to help (please do ask them directly), it's important that you get immediate help with the DC. To help you avoid further injury / nerve damage.

Could DH start and finish work later, for example, to do the school runs? Could you get a temporary nanny or mother's help? (Childcare.co.uk or an agency).

FluffyNinja · 31/10/2015 10:36

So because your mum is retired, she's sitting around all day with her feet up being lazy when she should be mind reading across the ether that you want her to come and look after you and your kids.

Good luck with that one then.

If my grown up kids wanted help, I'd expect them to have the sense to actually ask us directly.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread