Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

Aibu to be disappointed in my parents?

114 replies

SeasonalVag · 31/10/2015 07:23

I slipped two disks on my back three weeks ago and was in hospital for a week. I had to cancel my holiday which was obviously really disappointing and a sign that this wasn't just a passing twinge or two...

I told my dad this and offered him a first class ticket from his house to mine which we were also unable to use and he refused be a use he has to meet his girlfriend for lunch. It never occurred to him that if I zhad been I'm hospital and also had to cancel my holiday, that I might need some help.

I cannot....

Bathe my two year old
Change nappies
Carry him
Drive
Empty dishwasher, washing machjne
Plus I'm. On really strong painkillers

He's just come back from his cruise and it still hasn't occurred to him to come down 200 miles to help.... And he wouldn't even have to pay for the journey...

To get my son to nursery and the other to school, I'll be in a taxi, but as a responsible Parent will have to go with them.... Resulting in excruciating pain after each trip. I'm dreading tomorrow.

My mum doesn't work either and is a nurse, so know what I'm facing and she hasn't offered to come down to help either.

We only just moved here and have absolutely nobody to rely on... I had to get a cleaner and she's been collecting my boys for me.

Aibu to think it's disgraceful that neither of my parents has thought about helping their grandkids even if not for me? Instead I get cursory enquiries via texts and a barrage of I found about their holiday. Or am I being entitled?

OP posts:

QueenArseClangers · 31/10/2015 10:43

Bloody hell, if you live anywhere near me in the northwest I'll come and help! You poor thing

Bellebella · 31/10/2015 10:43

In all honesty, you are in a better position that some and I think that is clouding my view. I had 2 slipped discs for 2 years during which I carried, delivered and raised a 2 year old. Then had the op in which time my oh was off for 2 weeks and then I was on my own. Dad is dead and my mum disabled, certainly no money for a cleaner. Part of me then feels like telling you to just get on with it a little but I appreciate you are in pain and having a moan.

If you parents can't help you, then find ways to make it easier for yourself. I can give you some tips and I am sure others can.

hope you start feeling better soon.

G1veMeStrength · 31/10/2015 10:50

When DH slipped 2 discs we didn't ask anyone for help, we just managed between us - tbh it wouldn't occur to me to expect parents to help. Hope you feel better soon, I know it is really painful.

waitingforcalpoltowork · 31/10/2015 10:51

sorry you offered your dad a ticket to come down asking him to help and he said he was going to lunch with his girlfriend?

your mom has had the same thing and she also doesn't think its appropriate to think maybe you might need a hand?

im lost for words on this one sorry op

ask the school see if they can help you out with transport my friend is off for surgery soon and the school helped get her children to school (school transport thing usually used for the sen children also used by people in extreme difficulties its fully supervised)

GabiSolis · 31/10/2015 11:01

OP, in the nicest possible way (and I do really mean that) you need to stop whining about them not helping and actually ask for their help. Your DF saying no once because he had prior plans does not warrant him being labelled disgraceful.

FastForward2 · 31/10/2015 11:03

Maybe your parents are also not well or have a health reason they cant help you but dont want to tell you. How old are they? Ask your mum again, maybe she is assuming dad is helping or vice versa. How long do you want her to help - this could go on for months - maybe they dont want to commit for months? Do they want to avoid each other as it seems they are separated, perhaps they have things going on in their own lives which have made it difficult for them?

Wish you the best, I would suggest you look for a local childminder or nanny if you cant get parents. For the price of a first class rail ticket you can probably get at least a few hours help each day. Good way to meet local people as well.

If they dont want to help for whatever reason then they wont, and better not to expect it. You are not being unreasonable but that is life.

lorelei9 · 31/10/2015 11:05

Good idea to see if school will help with transport

I totally see your point about lack of concern upsetting you. All I can say is, screw them

I'm off to see my folks shortly, they will be as horrified by this thread as I am. They are elderly and not in good health otherwise I expect they'd offer to adopt you!

Dad in particular will have strong words to use about parents like yours. I apologise for slagging off your folks but......!

coffeeisnectar · 31/10/2015 11:05

I really feel for you. I did this when my youngest was 16 months old and I was on my own with her and her 8 year old sister. Luckily the oldest could go to and from school either with friends or on her own but I was stuck in a flat with the youngest. I had physio and that hasn't worked so 9 years on I'm going for a second surgery.

The pain is excruciating and I'd ask to be reviewed if your meds aren't working.

Yanbu. I got no help from family at all.

LineyReborn · 31/10/2015 11:47

Are both of your parents 200 miles away or just your dad?

cleaty · 31/10/2015 11:54

I have to admit that unless you said anything, I would assume that your DH was doing what needed doing.

ljny · 31/10/2015 12:08

I don't think YABU but im not surprised by some of these responses as MN seems to have this idea that wanting any kind of help or support from your parents (even in times of great difficulty) once you reach adulthood is "entitled". Meanwhile, in real life, it is not even remotely unusual for family members to put themselves out for one another in a crisis.
This^

I'd love to find the lovely fantasy world some MNetters live where local nurseries magically have free spaces available, mystical childminders are waiting to transport your children between home, school, and aftercare, and oh yes, the family bank account always contains enough discretionary ££££ to cover the costs (tbf, this Op can pay for twice-daily taxis - in similar threads, that's not always the case)

Op, back pain is horrible. Glad you were able to vent here, please ignore the nasties.

PurpleHairAndPearls · 31/10/2015 12:27

Op I'm sorry you are in pain. It sucks.

Speak to your LEA they may be able to provide transport assistance, taxi and possibly escort on a short term emergency basis for temporary disablement of a parent. Mine have offered this in the past when I said I couldn't get DC to school but I know it varies from region to region. Or the school might know of a parent locally who could help? You really shouldn't be bouncing around in a taxi if you can avoid it, it's agony, I know...

Of course yanbu to hope that family would help
You, but agree you should spell it out clearly. I also think, being very honest, if you have a DH he should be stepping up to take the load here, not your parents. I know jobs are important but I have been through this (it ended up with a period of
Unemployment while DH became my carer) and my DH (as the DC are both our responsibility equally) said to me "don't worry I will sort out time off and if I can't I will sort help out". And he did (ironically he called my parents who helped to start as much as they could, he called the lea and he called the school etc) is there a reason why your DH can't do this and it's in your lap?

You are married with DC and have responsibility to each other and to them. If you need help and support he should be providing it. I will never forget that DH stepped up the way he did (this was a man in the past who would ask me to ring a utility company to pay a bill normally as he didn't like doing it ) it was like one of those stupid team building exercises where someone falls backward and their partner catches them I was amazed tbh, and our roles have changed so much. Previously I was always "the sorter" but when the shit hit the fan he stepped up and sorted it out. I hope your DH can do the same for you. It's up to him, not your parents really.

TheExMotherInLaw · 31/10/2015 12:33

Just ask them - if you were one of my kids, I'd be down like a shot.

CecilyP · 31/10/2015 12:38

All I want somebody to do is change nappies, bathe them and take them school to avoid me having to neck painkillers to sit inside a taxi.

But do they actually know that is what you need? From their point of view, you have a husband, a cleaner, children at school and nursery and money for taxis to get them there. Even for someone who has had a similar surgery, they might not see recovery from the same point of view as someone who also has to look after a toddler. You really need to stop playing the martyr, contact your mum and ask.

watchingthedetectives · 31/10/2015 13:00

It would have been nice if they had offered - mine would have been on the next plane.

It maybe that they don't really get that you need the help - so worth asking (although that in itself implies a little disconnect)

I don't think YABU at all. Also I don't think PP saying you are whining and describing how they have lived through worse are at all helpful. You are in this situation now and I think if I was your DM I would be there already

Good luck

BarbarianMum · 31/10/2015 13:11

Ok, I understand now . YANBU Only you know if it is worth spelling out a request for help. It's shit they're not even contacting you to see how you are.

AdjustableWench · 31/10/2015 13:38

When I was seriously ill, many years ago, my DM (who lives in a different country) came to help me look after the kids.

More recently, when DM was seriously ill, I went to look after her.

I can't help wondering about all these parents who wouldn't dream of offering help to their adult children - presumably they won't be expecting any help from their adult children when they themselves become elderly and increasingly at risk of illness and other infirmities?

totalrecall1 · 31/10/2015 13:43

Sorry but I think YABU expecting your parents to travel 200 miles to help you out.

SeaCabbage · 31/10/2015 14:38

Haven't read the whole thread but until you actually ask your parents for help and they say no, then the whole thing is moot.

worriedmum100 · 31/10/2015 14:46

I'm in the YANBU camp but I think it does depend on your family dynamic. I slipped a disk badly a few years ago and needed surgery immediately. My parents were on holiday abroad and drove back through the night to be with me. I had a partner but no children at the time. They camped out in the hospital car park for two days and brought me edibLe food. When I went home my mum stayed a week and cooked and cleaned and looked after me while my partner was at work. I was 31 at the time. 10 years later and my parents will still do anything for me or my sister and in your situation would be there like a shot.

Everyone is telling you you should ask for help but I simply cant understand a parent not saying "How can we help?"

But as I say that's based on my own family dynamic.

allypally999 · 31/10/2015 14:57

Don't get why people are so hung up on you having to ASK for help. Its pretty bleeding obvious you would need it.

I had the same op and didn't see my parents for 6 months (until I could drive to them) so am in the same boat and had to manage with DH's help. It gets heaps better quite quickly honest. It would be nice to have the kind of family who help out but we don't all get that .. hey ho! Get one of these grabbers for things you drop as the floor is the last thing you make friends with in my experience otherwise its littered by the time hubby gets home. Good luck!

cleaty · 31/10/2015 15:07

Is it obvious she would need it? She has a DP. And lots of disabled and ill people manage with DCs just with the help of a DP who is working. Her mum would have a better idea of the realities of this operation, but lots of people would assume the DP will be off work for a bit, and they won't need any extra help. It is what the hospital will have assumed as well, as they didn't assess how she would manage.

Lightbulbon · 31/10/2015 15:33

Ive been there.

My parents (both live local, healthy, not working) knew that I couldn't walk, couldn't get out of the house, push buggy, lift toddler etc. They knew dp worked long hours and we were short of cash. They still did next to nothing (a few school runs). We ended up getting into an awful lot of debt to pay for someone else to look after the dcs.

They can rot in their own piss when they're older for all I care.

Dollymixtureyumyum · 31/10/2015 15:39

I can't understand families (who get on of course) that are not there for each others. My mum would have turned up by now wether we wanted her or not :)
And even though I do not get on with my lnlaws and have had lots of issues they would be there if we really needed them.

Floggingmolly · 31/10/2015 16:05

You probably don't need half the help you think you do, op. You drip fed the info that your DH has been off for the past fortnight; but your cleaner has been doing the school run to free him up to sit by your bedside?
For a (undoubtably painful) but non critical ailment, that's a luxury most parents couldn't afford.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Swipe left for the next trending thread